"...then he started to mess me about..."

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"...then he started to mess me about..."

Postby blackcloud » Wed Mar 26, 2003 6:55 pm

I need help so much. These past 2 years of my life have been hell. I don't know where to begin. I have been on and off of anti-depressants more times than I've had hot dinners.

Please don't stop reading this, I really need help. :cry:

2 years ago I met my boyfriend. Everything was perfect, we were the happiest couple alive. Then he started to mess me about. He'd go out with his mates after making plans with me and tell me he'd got kidnapped. He booked a holiday behind my back. And plenty more. We finished over these things, but everytime he would beg me back or I would go back to him. It's like we can't break away from each other.

I hold this grudge against him and can't seem to forgive him. I really want to but just don't know how. I also get very jelous if he wants to go out with his mates cos i can't trust him and think he'll hurt me again. What can I do to stop this?

A while ago, I was so down I was cutting myself and crying atleast 20 times a day. I even tied a dressing gown tie around my neck once, but bottled it. He used to tell me to stop winging and saying I was messed up in the head. This made me feel even worse and make me want to do it all the more. Just before christmas he split up with me and slept with someone else, and me like a fool has taken him back again.

Why can't I just get on with things and learn to trust him and stop being so jelous? Or why can't I just walk away from him?

It's so so hard. I swear i'm on the verge of suicide and I hate it. It makes me feel like a crazy woman.

Please please please, someone reply and help.
:cry:
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Postby Jo » Wed Mar 26, 2003 9:09 pm

Hi Blackcloud

It sounds as though you have been quite damaged by this relationship. At the same time, however, you don't seem to be able to let go of it. Have you tried to talk to someone about why you are finding it so difficult to let go?

I am assuming that you have been to your GP in order to be prescribed antidepressants - did he or she mention anything about getting counselling? If not, you might want to go back and ask what is available in your area.

One statutory service that is being developed at the moment is the Primary Mental Health Team. The one in our area has been operating for around 12 months now.

They are there for people who are finding it hard to cope with life events such as bereavement, relationship difficulties etc. The Primary Mental Health Teams are made up of different professionals such as counsellors, behavioural therapists, occupational therapists etc.

Ask your doctor if there is one in your area, find out what they do, if it sounds like the kind of service that would help you then ask the doctor to refer you.

Have you told your doctor that you have been feeling suicidal and that you have been self harming? You will need to tell your doctor exactly how you are feeling in order to be referred to the appropriate services (if that's what you want).

Another option is to find a voluntary service that offers you the chance to talk to someone in confidence. There are quite a few helplines that you can phone just to talk to someone. You can find one by visiting the Telephone Helplines Association web site here;
http://www.helplines.org.uk

The important thing to remember is that there is nothing wrong with feeling unable to cope. It happens to everyone at some time in their lives. There is nothing to be ashamed of in asking for help. Quite often the actual act of looking for help can make you feel more in control and much more positive.

Try to avoid shutting yourself away. If you do that you will end up feeling isolated and without support. You need to start taking tiny steps outside your comfort zone in order to see what's out there. Once you do you will find that you can cope and that there is a lot of support to be had if you just look for it.

One practical step you can take now is to make a list of numbers that you can phone if you start to feel seriously suicidal. Write down everyone you can call on for support, family, friends, neighbours - don't be embarrased about it - if you ever need to phone them they will be relieved that you gave them the chance to support you, rather than suffer in silence.

Also put some helplines on your list, starting with the Samaritans - they are there 24 hours a day - they will even offer support via e-mail if you don't feel up to talking - their web site is here;
http://www.samaritans.org.uk

Please keep in touch
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Postby blackcloud » Wed Mar 26, 2003 11:29 pm

Will I be able to learn to trust him or do I need to walk away?

I have been to the doctor on numerous occasions and once she said to me 'well it's not that bad is it?'. Surely that is the wrong thing for a doctor to say? especially the way I was feeling? Since then I haven't been back.

I can't bring myself to call or go and see someone. I can't beleive how i've let myself get. I feel like a freak. I hate it.

What sort of things can I do when you say go out of my comfort zones??

Please. I need suggestions. I need ideas, things I can do. Should I stay and try and make it work, or try and leave him?
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Postby Jo » Thu Mar 27, 2003 1:17 am

Hi

Nobody can decide whether or not you should stay with him, or whether you will ever be able to trust him, that's your decision! If you decide to stay you could try relationship counselling or something like that.

You need to start looking after yourself though, regardless of whether or not you are with him.

When I mentioned going out of your 'comfort zones', I meant doing things that you are scared of doing, like asking for help with the self harm and the suicidal feelings. If not asking for help, then at least finding out what help you could get if you wanted to.

People sometimes get into a rut where they may not be happy, but where they feel safe - that's what I meant by comfort zone. It can stop you from doing lots of things, depending on whatever it is you are scared of doing, it might be driving on certain types of roads, it might be avoiding certain people, or it might be staying in a relationship that is not healthy because you are scared of the alternative.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying your relationship is not healthy, I don't know you or your boyfriend, but if it is causing you this much unhappiness why are you still putting up with it? Do you feel as though you actually need him?
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Postby blackcloud » Thu Mar 27, 2003 7:51 pm

I don't know how I feel about him. I so want to just walk away from him and be happy again, but then I worry that i'll never meet anyone again. And if I do what if I can't trust them? And then loose them aswell?

When you say go counselling would he need to come as well? Do I have to pay?

I can see i'm insecure and I hate it. I just want him to act as though he wants me.
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Postby Jo » Thu Mar 27, 2003 11:00 pm

Hi again

Well, if you go to Relate as a couple you probably wouldn't have to pay. They do ask for donations but they don't expect payment from those who can't afford it. You can find out more at their web site here; http://www.relate.org.uk/

If you think about it though, what would be so bad about being alone for a while? What is the worst that could happen? It might do you the world of good to find out that you can cope on your own.

It would give you some quiet time to yourself that you could use to rebuild your confidence gradually without the complications that come with a relationship. You are an individual after all, not just the other half of a couple. You really are!

It worries me that you are scared of leaving him in case you never meet anyone again - it worries me because that is not a reason to stay with someone.

There is no need to be scared of not meeting anyone. Being single is not a bad thing - it can be extremely liberating. Going it alone is one of the best ways to learn who you are and what you can do. How can you learn all that if you are constantly looking for the approval of someone else?

You need to learn to accept yourself without needing someone else to tell you you are worth something - because that is what it sounds like you are waiting for. It sounds as though you are waiting for him to tell you he wants you so that you can then feel better about yourself - but it might never happen and if it does, how long will it last? You can't rely on other people to tell you that all the time because most of the time, they don't bother.

You need to learn how to do it for yourself - which means looking after you because you are important and you are worth it, regardless of what anyone else says - you have to believe that.

As for learning to trust again, that will come with time, but only if you look after yourself. You are worth looking after, you are important, you really really are. Have you seen that advert with the blue furry inner self? Well you need to give yours a cuddle and a lot of TLC!

God I can waffle can't I? :lol:
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Postby blackcloud » Sat Mar 29, 2003 10:42 am

No. You don't waffle on. You can't even begin to imagine how much better you've made me feel. I even began to feel happy about it all yesterday and thats something I haven't done for a long time. :-?

Thank you again for your help. I will let you know how it goes x x x :lol:
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Postby misatok11 » Sat Mar 29, 2003 12:15 pm

Solid advice as ever from Jo. You need time to decide what you want yourself. A break away from this person is what you need. You will find somebody even if you do leave him. For the time being decide what you want. It can be hard to change people especially if they dont want to be changed, so go out and have fun. Who knows you may even meet mr. right! take care.
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