My wasted youth

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My wasted youth

Postby zooma » Sat Oct 04, 2008 8:40 am

I'm 28 years old. I didn't kiss a guy until I was 26 and my now boyfriend is only the 3rd guy I've kissed and done anything more than a kiss was. He had sex with someone before he met me which is causing MAJOR problems in our relationship. We are constantly arguing about this and at the moment can't go more than a couple of days without a massive argument, screaming and occasional throwing of things (by me)

He said he wanted to wait until he was in love but then when he was 20 he was fed up of being made to feel like a freak by his mates and tv/mags etc who made him feel like everyone was having sex and he'd never meet someone if he didn't sleep with them that he met some 15 year old girl that was coming on to him and he started seeing her, after several months he slept with her. He said he knew he shouldn't have but did it just so he could meet someone. He said he used her in a way.
It upsets me so much that he has had that sort of intimacy with someone apart from me and I just constantly picture him touching her or having sex with her or being intimate or doing couply relationship things with her. I don't want to but they just pop into my head.

At first I thought it was because I hated him being intimate with someone apart from me and whilst I hate that more than anything still, after some thinking about it I have come to the conclusion that it is more her (the girl he had sex with) that I am jealous of.

When I was growing up my parents never let me grow up. Every time I did something like when I got my first bra my dad teased me about it, which might not seem like a big deal but when you're 12 and feel self concious enough about your developing body it is! I felt so embarrassed and ashamed about the bra that I then didn't wear one until I was 16! When I first wore make up I got teased, not only by my siblings( which I suppose is to be expected a bit) but by my parents as well. My mum never bought me a deodorant which although seems silly now, at the time when I was at school and constantly paranoid that I smelt for about a year until I had to go out and buy one myself. When I first started getting crushes on guys I got made fun of to such an extent that I felt ashamed of those feelings and never acted upon them. There are so many more examples that I could use but they are just a few. It seems that at every stage of developing and growing up I got made to feel bad about it that I never did. I did everything I could to stay a child in order to please my parents.

Even when I was 18 and friends were going out to clubs my dad would always say what a set of idiots standing in pubs being drunk, and much worse things than that! that I felt that in order to gain his approval I shouldn't drink or get drunk with friends. If I ever did go out, which was very rarely, I always drove and therefore never drank alcohol.

I remember the one time I did go out when I was 18 I went on a date with a guy, got drunk because I was so nervous which resulted in me being brought home in a taxi which I'd thrown up in by him! Understandably my parents weren't that impressed but instead of just treating it as a one off thing by an 18 year old my mum went and told my whole family about it! I heard her on the phone telling people and although only one of them said anything to me, my parents have teased me about it in a cruel way for years.

In the 10 years since I turned 18 I think I've only been out on a Friday or Saturday night maybe 20 times!

When I was 26 (i'd lived with my parents up until then due to being a student and not being able to afford moving out) I went away travelling for a year and this time away from my parents really made me come out of my shell. I didn't have to worry about their teasing or making fun of me and I think that is why I got the nerve to kiss that guy and meet my boyfriend.

I am so happy with him apart from getting upset over his being intimate with that girl. I think it all comes down to the fact I am jealous that she was allowed to grow up by her parents. She had a boyfriend at 15. Her mum bought her a few drinks to share with him when she was 16.

Feeling the way I do about my lost and wasted past has made me so bitter and unhappy. I feel like I wasted my youth by constantly trying to get my parents approval, which I never did. Now I feel like I'm 28, in a serious relationship but I was never 'young'. I never just went out dancing with friends, I never kissed boys, I never had fun!

I know I'm still technically young but now my friends are in serious relationships too so it wouldn't be the same as when I was 18. Also, we don't have the money to go out at the moment so I couldn't even if I wanted to.

When I see teens in the street I am so jealous but as well as that I just have got it in my head that they are all slags, sleeping with every guy they meet, think they are all awful and drunk and I've realized I'm turning into my dad by thinking these things which is the last thing I want! I feel like I am just so angry that I never felt allowed to grow up and people around me have done. I am even thinking that if I did have kids I'd probably resent them if I saw them going out when they were teens and having fun and I wouldn't let them have boyfriends incase they had sex. I feel like I'd stop them having a life and grow up because I didn't feel I was allowed to which obviously I know is the last that I should do!

I know I have to stop feeling this way, stop getting upset with my bf since he is with me and whatever he had in the past is in the past so doesn't matter but I can't. I just feel so unhappy right now because of what I've missed out on that I'm taking it out on him. I don't want to be so bitter and twisted like I am at the moment!

I feel that in the two years since I've moved out I am only beginning to grow up. I feel as though I'm still a teenager because I've missed out on everything when I was younger. Although I now have very little to do with my parents even now I would feel too embarrassed to wear make up or 'grown up' clothes around them!

I'm sorry about such a long post but please can someone help me!
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Postby ayeaiii » Sat Oct 04, 2008 10:19 am

Hi zooma,

How are you? You're right, a long post, but I hope it was helpful to share. The way I see it, there are 2 seperate problems here, so I will tackle them seperate. The first is your jelousy of your boyfriend. I think the hard thing for people to accept, and I include myself in this, is that relationship don't exist in a vacuum. That person had a life before you, they will have done things they regret, and yes, they will probably have exes.

I don't mean to sound harsh, as I know your pain is very real, but he should not have to explain himself all the time about his past; remember this: whatever happened, happened, but they are exes now. You say you are jealous of the girl he sleep with, but you have no need. He is with YOU now, so he obviously wants to be with you, not with his exes. You cannot change his past, so I think what you need to do, is try not to let it dominate things.

Perhaps it does because you are a little insecure in the relationship? I do not wish to be unkind. This is quite usual for first serious relationship, expecially for someone who like yourself has been denied the chance to explore adult relationships. I think you have a role to try and trust your guy, and realise that it is you he loves. And he has a role to reassure you, and treat you in a way that makes you beleive it.

I am afraid I must go now, and wish not rush my reply, so I will
add the second half later. I hope this was helpful. Take care!
xxxxxxx
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Postby lidopig » Sat Oct 04, 2008 3:09 pm

Hi,
I'd just like to say that if you want to stay with your b/f you're going to have to learn to live with his (perfectly normal,blameless) past,or you will lose him,for sure.
Two virgins meet,fall in love,and live happily ever after is fairytale stuff,I'm afraid.He CAN'T be held accountable for his life before he met you!
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Postby ayeaiii » Sat Oct 04, 2008 5:06 pm

Hello again, I have come to finish!

Firstly may I say, about your problem with your boyfriend, I think lidopig is right, if you behave too jealous, i am afriad you may drive him away. For a healthy relationship you need to have trust, and to feel trusted. Try not to let this pull you apart.

Anyways, on to the second issue, you feel you have missed out because your parents have let you grwon up properly. That must have been really difficult for you, being made fun of by your own family, at a time when you were at your most self concious (as all people during adolsecence are!). I do not imagine your family intended to be cruel, more likely they just found it hard their little girl growing up (parents always think of their kids as kids, in some way, even if they are fully grown!). Maybe they did not know how to deal with it so well, and maybe it was easier for them to respond with humour, than compassion. This has obviously harmed you, but you must know that your family still love you very much.

I am sorry you feel you have missed out on your youth..but also there is a positive! It still IS your youth, you only are in your 20s! You say you loved when you went travelling and could be more independent, and not by how your parents want you. And although for the reasons you explain you cannot move out right now, it doesn't mean you cannot have this independence you once enjoyed. You are 28, you don't need to appease them anymore. Whilst it is true that if you re under they roof you must follow certain house rules, you are allowed to be your own person; let them make judgements of laugh, if they will, but in time you can gain the confidence to be your own person, and not care so much.

You say you haven't had many night outs, and this saddens you. Well, go for it! Maybe you don't have friends who like nights out, but if so you can always make some more. uni is great place for meeting new people! Or you can suggest going clubbing with your boyfriend. Do the things you want, no one is stopping you!

Basically I think the bottom line is your really need more confidence. Confidence to overcome your jelousy by beleiving that you are the one your boyfriend wants, regardless of what came before, and confidence to be yourself, and live life to the full, the way you wanted. I feel confidence is the main thing holding you back, I truelly do.

I would say it is good if you go out there and have fun, and be the adult self you always wanted to be, and I am sure confidence will follow!

I hope this is of use!!

xxxxxx
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Postby LME79 » Sun Oct 05, 2008 8:33 am

Hi there,

First of all, you have realised the problem - that it's you being jealous and not necessarily his past- and this is a very good thing. Have you spoken to your boyfriend about your upbringing and how ashamed your parents made you feel?
I used to be an incredibly jealous person but with help I got over it and you will be able to as well! Do you love your boyfriend? Because if so you really really need to speak with him about this, otherwise (like others have said) you'll drive him away. Speaking about it with him won't cure your jealousy overnight but at least he'll understand why you feel the way you do and, secondly, it'll be like a weight off your shoulders.

That said, whether or not you have spoken with him about your past, I think you should get some counselling in order to help you deal with your past. Like you said, you're a grown up now, it's your life and you shouldn't have to feel held back or bitter about your past otherwise you'll spend the rest of your life as one unhappy woman which I know you don't want (otherwise you wouldn't have posted on PP). You could try going for counselling as a couple (e.g. Relate) or you could ask your GP if you could be referred. I went for counselling two years ago to help me deal with issues in my past and although it started out painfully (as I was raising issues from where I'd try to bury them in my mind), my counsellor helped me 'file' them away and taught me how to deal with them, should they ever arise again. Going to counselling was one of the best decisions I've ever made!

Keep us updated.

xx
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Postby zooma » Sun Oct 05, 2008 11:04 pm

Thank you for the kind replys. He is in the shower so have to be quick and can't write a full reply but will tomorrow when he goes out.

Lilmissespana - how did your counsellor tell you to file things away? How do you do that? It feels like I'm at breaking point right now and I have to get over feeling so upset like this.
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Postby Bel Bel » Mon Oct 06, 2008 9:39 am

or a cognitive therapist will help too.
I totally agree with all the others you will end up driving your b/f away and to be honest other men you meet are likely to have longer list of girls. It is rare you have met someone of that age who on;y has had one girl.
You need to remember he has adimitted he wasn't with her for love but becasue he felt pressured into it. Like you felt pressured not to wear a bra. You must try hard not to give hiom a hard tie for being honest with you or he won't want to be in the future
I definately think this all stems from your upbringing
What you must do is eveytime you satrt to feel like this, stop, breath and think of the consequences if you continue down the path of having a go at your b/f. TYhe outcoe will be an argument and pushing him away more. Hopefully if you keep reminding yourself this and take time to think before starting the argument you can back away from it until it becomes instinct not to take it out on him
I still think you should get help though as it will manifest inteself in another way if you don't deal with the cause.
good luck
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Postby LME79 » Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:17 pm

zooma wrote:Thank you for the kind replys. He is in the shower so have to be quick and can't write a full reply but will tomorrow when he goes out.

Lilmissespana - how did your counsellor tell you to file things away? How do you do that? It feels like I'm at breaking point right now and I have to get over feeling so upset like this.


One of the reasons I went to counselling is because I absolutely hated about myself so she asked for examples .. I said I hate the fact I can't make decisions. She then asked me about various things in my life which I thought were complicated and then she made me realise that I WAS good at making decisions, it was just the decisions I couldn't make were really obvious to me so she advised me to just look back over situations in that way.

With more sensitive situations I literally just spoke to her. It didn't matter if I cried my heart out (she had lots of tissues in the room), I just let everything out. There's no set way of 'filing' things - it really is situation dependent. Help is free if you go to see your GP and if they think you are a priority they'll push you up the waiting list.

Have you spoken to your boyfriend?

xx
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Postby zooma » Sun Oct 19, 2008 10:21 am

Thanks for the replies. I have spoken to my boyfriend about my feelings and he has been INCREDIBLY patient with me which has only made me love him all the more.

Recently I have been putting the bad things I've been thinking about to the back of my mind and trying so hard not to get upset even if I feel it. I don't want to ruin this relationship so know that is what I have to do. Apart from a disasterous weekend last week where we argued for two and a half days straight until he asked me to move out and then later that same day asked me back, we've had a brilliant couple of weeks. He's been off work so I haven't been able to reply on here and we've just spent a nice time together so its been good between us.
Bel Bel - you saying that him feeling like he had to have sex was like me feeling like I had to not wear a bra really helped so thank you.

However, even though I have stopped getting as upset about him having had sex with her, I'm feeling more upset that I haven't had any previous experience with guys and very rarely went out dancing, etc when I was younger before being with him. I feel like until I was 26 I lived like I was 96 and stayed in every night watching tv or having a bath. I feel like I've really missed out and I really regret that so much. I hate that I've never dated or gone out and done the 'young' things that everyone else seems to do. Now I'm in a serious relationship and its not as easy to do that. We can't afford to go out much and its not the same now I'm 28 as it would have been if I was 18 and single.

I love him more than anything and do not want to break up but I just wish I had done the things in the past when I was younger. I'd rather regret things I'd done than have regrets for not doing them and always wonder about them.

I just wish I'd had a normal youth and not have these regrets now. How can I get over this? I can't just go out now and pull guys because I have a boyfriend.

I just wish I'd gone on dates, had a boyfriend or whatever, just had fun with friends when I was a teenager. I get so incredibly jealous when I see kids these days because they have what I don't have and never had. I hate seeing 14/15 year olds in a couple or just having fun because I never did at that age. It wasn't until I was 26 that I did.
My lack of a past is the reason I get upset about his, especially my jealousy of the girl he had sex with because she had a normal teenage time since she went out with him at 15/16. My jealousy of her (not just because he slept with her) is the cause of all the problems.
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Postby Millenia » Sun Oct 19, 2008 12:06 pm

Why can't you do things anymore that your 26 now?

My boyfriend (who is 26) had never been to the zoo. Like yourself he didn't have a very nice childhood and had never been taken out to nice places so i woke him up, made a packed lunch for us like good ol fasioned parents would do and took him to the zoo.

I bought him a balloon and everything!

What im saying is, from my experience when i was single and going clubbing i find it no different to when i go clubbing now just because im older.
You can still do anything you want to do. Would you rather keep looking into your past and how you missed out? or look back in ten years and say 'hey i may have missed out in the start but i've caught up now!'

If you are tight money wise, i always had a 'going out' jar where i would put money in it every week and then by the end of the month i could do anything i wanted with it.

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Re: My wasted youth

Postby emmylou » Thu Apr 08, 2010 9:43 pm

Hi Zooma,
I know you wrote this post 2 years ago, but i only just read it and it almost made me cry.
I identify with you on so many levels, although my situation is not quite as extreme as yours. I also feel that i've been made to feel embarassed about growing up. I'm the youngest out of my siblings by a good few years, and although my parents never expressly forbade me to do anything, i was very sensitive, and couldn't stand even the mildest of teasing, especially to do with boys. I was a late developer, and wasn't too interested in boys at a young age. But i remember receiving chocolates one valentines day (they were placed outside my house) and my family mocked me all day. I actually liked the boy, but had to pretend that i didn't want the attention because i felt humiliated. My mum told everybody on the phone - family, friends - and i just felt stupid :oops: And whenever boys and me were mentioned, they'd always make a real fuss about it, trying to embarass me, but my siblings weren't taunted at all. Now i'm 21, and although i've had the occassional (secret) fling, i've never brought a guy to meet my parents. I couldn't face it. And i feel the longer this goes on, the harder it will be when (if!) the time comes. In fact, i've never had a proper boyfriend. And the funny thing is, i do get my fair share of attention from guys, but i won't let it go further than texting/flirting - when they ask me out, i suddenly don't like them anymore. I couldn't tell my parents i had a boyfriend. And now they keep asking me if i have a boyfriend/have a seen anyone i like etc. and i think to myself "no, thanks to you". It annoys me that they made me feel embarassed about boys growing up, and now they're making me feel embarassed for not having a boyfriend ](*,)
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Re: My wasted youth

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Apr 09, 2010 12:13 pm

It's such a shame you are missing out and letting your parents still have this hold over you

You are obviosuly afraid to take the next step with a boy but you should try to. You could be mising out on someone really nice because your scared. Whats the worse that can happen, you meet, don't like them so you don't see them again. As for meeting your parents don't worry about that until you actually have a b/f

What you are doing by flirting and then turning them down when they ask you out is being a bit cruel to the boys, I know you don't mean to be but have you ever thought that they had to pluck up the courage to ask you, after getting flirty messages suggesting your intereested and then you cut them off. Wouldn't it be better to give one of these guys who plucked up the courage to ask a chance?
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