grieving and lack of support

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grieving and lack of support

Postby staravia » Wed Dec 31, 2008 12:44 am

Hello, can anyone help me? I am 36 and have had the worst year in my life. January I had a breast lump, then March, a suspected brain tumor(all clear thankfully) June my mum took ill, July she died, I started suffering from depression then recently my brother attempted suicide. I am dealing with all this the best I can but my biggest concern is my husband, married 15 years, he is the love of my life. He can not deal with any emotional issues, if I cry he gets aggitated and can not offer any support. This makes me feel lonely and worthless. The rejection is hard to take as I suffered some emotional abuse and abandonment as a child. I have has a few epidodes where I have broken down in front of him and clearly he has had enough. 5 days ago, I told him from now on I will deal with my problems myself, that I can't take any more rejection, he says thats unfair as he needs to know how I am but I told him I need to dettach myself emotionally from him to be able to deal with this situation. He has agreed to this, I know thats what I asked of him but really, I just want/need him to be there for me, I have begged before, told him how much I needed him but he just can't do it. Because of my insecurities I have never made friends. I have no aunts/uncles ect, I have no-one else to turn to. What do I do? If I didn't love him so much, I would leave him. He won't attend counselling with me. I am scared of how lost I am.
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Re: grieving and lack of support

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Dec 31, 2008 11:42 am

i think initially get yourself some support perhaps a grief counsellor would be a good starting point
once you have dealt with your grief and are stronger then you can tackle the issues with your husband, i don't think this will be an easy process if he is already refusing conselling
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Re: grieving and lack of support

Postby staravia » Wed Dec 31, 2008 2:30 pm

Thanks for that, I am visisting a counsellor next week.
Funny thing is, I totally understand why I am feeling so low, I work full time teaching, I come home look after my son, my husband works away 10 days out of 14 so I have no-one at all to speak to, I am very careful never to let my son see how I am.
I'm not sure what I need to hear but the feeling of worthlessness is hard to take, if my own husband can't be there for me then if it wasn't for my son I wouldn't want to carry on. I just want to curl up and not deal with harder times to come, which there are.
My appointment is not for another week and I don't know how to cope in the meantime.
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Postby morris mouse » Wed Dec 31, 2008 3:24 pm

staravia wrote: My appointment is not for another week and I don't know how to cope in the meantime.


......by keeping in contact with us here at pp. We really do care about you & are interested in what you are going
through and ready to listen whenever you need us.
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Re: grieving and lack of support

Postby caroline82 » Thu Jan 01, 2009 5:41 pm

You poor thing, all of this must be so difficult to deal with without feeling alone too.

So many people are unable to deal with the emotional issues of others,maybe this is the case with your husband. This is not a lack of empathy but perhaps a frustration he feels by not being able to do anything practical about the situation. I find that many men are fantastic when it comes to non-emotional problems, your car breaking down for example, and will jump right in, take control and deal with the situation. However, faced with an emotional woman begging for support, they become uncomfortable and edgy, as they cant see what to do to "fix" the problem. I often think that this is why men do not attempt to deal with their own emotional problems, they dont know how so they try to ignore them. Of course i'm not suggesting this is true of all men out there, but maybe that is the difficulty with your husband - he doesnt give you support because when you try to talk to him he thinks you want him to fix the problem which is impossible, and doesnt understand that what you need is for him to care about it, listen to you and comfort you.

Understanding your husbands inability to support you through all of this is of course not going to help your situation. Counselling and forums such as this may be the route for you to feel that you're not alone.I've come to understand that many of the difficulties we experience in life must be dealt with by ourselves alone, regardless of who is available to offer kind words or a hug. Grief is such a personal experience that no one can take away. The ability to deal with it alone comes from talking, to anyone sympathetic enough to listen. One suggestion that i feel helped me is to start a diary, just write down everything you are feeling. Its can be a relief to get it out in any way possible.

I really hope the new year brings you some happier times.
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Re: grieving and lack of support

Postby staravia » Sat Jan 03, 2009 12:49 am

Hi Caroline,

Thankyou very much for that advice, of course you are right, that's exactly whats he gets frustrated about, trying to fix it and not being able to. Since reading your reply yesterday I have manage to chill out and not be so uptight and thankful that he is there for me in every other way.
I understand this is just something that I need to go through and think I will start keeping a diary of sorts as it does need to come out somehow.
I don't feel as bad now as when I thought he just didn't care and has given me a much needed lift!!!

Thankyou very much....again!
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Re: grieving and lack of support

Postby peecee » Sun May 17, 2009 7:09 pm

staravia wrote:oh no, here I go again......
cut a long story short of my previous posts, in the last year I have quite a bit too much to worry about, loosing my mum in August, suffering from depression (thankfully I'm on top of that now I hope) and a crisis with my husband.
I recieved some counselling which was great for me and I understood that most of my insecurities were down to a variety of stuff like, neglect as a child, not trusting people in particular other women and this leaving me with an inability to make friends. I understand why I am the way I am now and when I finished my counselling I felt positive about changing my life for the better.
To any outsider, I am friendly, I can speak to people without any problems, am outgoing and I get on with most people. I still can't seem t make freinds, I know it'll take time and I know my insecurities mean I push people as I can't seem to let the 'barriers' down in fear of being rejected. I'm embarrassed that by getting to know people they will see how 'friendless' I really am.
As my husband works away so much of the time and my son thankfully is sociable and at 9 years of age has more friends now than I've had in my life, I am now very lost and lonely, I dread weekends when I have nothing to do and summer holidays coming up I have 6 weeks off, I worry I'll become depressed again.

For some reason this has only become such a big issue since loosing my mum, I never had anyone to talk to about her death and spent night after night trying to keep it together until my son went to bed before I'd either cry myself to sleep or stare into space in shock. So many times I just wished someone was there for me (my husband couldn't deal with me)....and still do....

I don't think the depressions back but the lonliness on some days like today is hard to bare.
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Re: grieving and lack of support

Postby peecee » Sun May 17, 2009 7:10 pm

irnbrubar wrote:Hi there

I haven't read any of your previous posts so don't completely know all the background of this so i'm only replying on the basis of your current post, so apologies for anything i get wrong.

Firstly i just want to say i'm so sorry about you losing your mum. I can barely imagine what that would be like to go through. My mum is like my best friend and i wouldn't even be able to contemplate what life would be like without her. Maybe one of the reasons you are feeling so lonely (especially since the passing of your mother) is maybe because she would normally be the person you would talk to about things like this?

You say you've been going to counselling and it is helping with insecurities etc, but have you thought about maybe discussing your mothers death with your counsellor? I think maybe going through this with them and having the proper chance to be upset/angry about it when you're with someone who is quallified to deal with these types of situations might be the first step in helping you to overcome it. I don't mean that it will disappear, but they will maybe be able to give you help with coping.

As for you not having many friends/people to spend time with (other than your son and husband) have you thought about maybe joining a club or a class in your area? I know some areas that have clubs where people can broaden their interests and skills and also have the chance to meet new people. Maybe even an evening class? A few years back, I moved over 350 miles from home to be with my partner at the time. I have to say that i felt totally lost. The only people i had were my (now ex) and his friends. I had a job but no-one seemed to socialise outside work. I constantly felt lonely. I decided to have a look online for classes in the area i lived (the local council website sometimes has things on it) I found an interior design class/club. I have always had an interest in this and thought it would be a good way to meet people. It was very scary at first (new city/people etc) but once i got there, i realised that most people that were there had come on their own too so didn't feel as bad. I ended up meeting lots of new people and eventually built up the courage to ask one of the girls i'd become friendly with to go for a drink. I then went on to meet some of her friends and became friendly with some of the other people in the class. I'm not saying i was suddenly swamped with friends but it did help. Even if i hadn't made any friends to go out with after the class, at least i know that those two nights a week, i'd be able to do something i enjoy and just have a coffee and a natter with people. I don't knwo if there is anything like this where you are. Even if it's something you know nothing about, it still gives you a chance to get out and just really have someone different to talk to.

Sorry i don't know if any of this helps, i just tend to use personal experience and hopefully give some ideas.

I'd also like to say, and i don't know if you've previously posted about this but i find it very difficult to understand why your husband wasn't there for you when your mum passed away. It seems strange that your life partner, lover and (supposed to be) best friend just couldn't be there for you - even to listen or just give you a hug when you were going through this. Is everything ok with this part of your life? Have you spoke to him about it? Does he even know how you feel. Again sorry if you've already gone over this.

I really hope this has helped and i'm really happy to hear that you're managing to (albeit slowly) overcome/contol your depression - this intself is a great achievement.
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Re: grieving and lack of support

Postby staravia » Sun May 17, 2009 11:21 pm

Hi, thanks for your reply, it opened up a much needed flood gate!!lol
Well, I discussed my mums death with my counsellor in quite some depth, she helped me get over the guilt I felt and also issues I had with her, my mum was very unstable but I have now a better understanding of the relationship I had with her and appreciate her 'better' side, but is without a doubt why my childhood had left me with a feeling of being unworthy of everyone I meet.(I'm working on that!)
My husband has tried to be there for me and we are trying to work at making things better, he just can't handle my emotions, I then feel rejected, so I am learning to take a deep breath when I get upset and wait for a time suitable by myself to let go.
Night classes are a great idea, tricky as because my husband works away so much it's tricky to arrange childcare, I do already attend once every 2 weeks organised through my work which is mandatory, but just my luck I'm the only female! I'm looking into some charity work but as I do work full time I'm anxious that my free time I should be there for my son...but yeh, I'm not giving up, just need to find something that suits.

Thanks again, it's good to know someones there to listen and give support and that horrid horrid lonely feeling doesn't feel quite so bad :)
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Re: grieving and lack of support

Postby jen » Mon May 18, 2009 10:21 pm

Hi again

I'm glad i was of some use and it's good to hear that you've been going through everything with your counsellor.

I wouldn't feel too guilty about a couple of hours a week away from your son. All people (especially mums) need some "me time". You certainly sound like you deserve it.

One of the other ways to maybe make some friends would be to get to know your sons friends parents. Maybe arrange a day out during the holidays for your son and one of his friends and see if they want to come along. The kids can play, or if they're a bit older "hang out" and you and the other mum can maybe have a coffee. I know that when i was growing up, my dad worked a lot and my mum stayed at home. She didn't have many (if any) friends because she was always busy with us kids (i have three brothers so it must have been quite a handfull for her) The only friends i seem to remember her having was one of my friends mums. I don't think they were really really close but i know she used to enjoy just having a coffee and having another adult to speak to other than my dad. It might not be something you fancy trying but again, it's just a thought.

Anyway as i said, i really hope you continue with the counselling. Remember these people are paid to listen to you and help so if anything is bothering you (however insignificant it may seem) just talk to them about it. Alternatively if you fancy a rant or a natter, come here and everyone will be more than happy to listen. Everyone needs to vent sometimes and i know i find it easier when it's here and not face to face. Plus there are a fair few people who have all had different experiences with things so there's bound to be someone that can offer advice or a friendly ear.

All the best :)

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