Lonely times

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Lonely times

Postby inkpainting » Sun Feb 22, 2009 1:05 am

Hi, sorry im not sure where i should of put this but...yes, if it needs to be moved please tell me and i will?
It might be usefull to tell you some backround information about things that are bothering me.

I recently went to a counsiler at my university to talk about problems that i felt i had about my personality (those being that i felt i copied people, and that my personality didn't feel like my own just a combination of other peoples) and how i have a very strong empathy with other people that can often cause me to mimic there emotions...so if i was spoke to alot of people who were sad during the day then i myself would become sad for no reason at all. Although the sessions were helpfull and made me realise when i started to 'copy' people the counsiler decided that we should stop the sessions because there was something that was stopping me from telling her about my feelings? I tended to just sit there and talk about my day in a general sense, which in hindsight isn't really what counsilling should be about?

In my opinion this stems from my childhood where...well my parents were good and all at bringing me up they just wern't emotionally 'stable' and were both on medication so i ended up being the rock of the family and often sorted out situations, in regards to my parents relationship etc or with there relationship to my brother. I started to feel awkward about opening up to people, and hold most of my feelings and emotions close to my chest...im worried about appearing to be weak/stupid/pathetic and im cautious to let anyone in just incase they hurt me. This includes my parents. The counsiler asked me one question which still kind of rings in my ears

"So who do you depend on?"

I thought about this and i honestly can't name one person which to be honest kind of came to a shock to me. I know that i do want someone to depend on, but finding that person is really difficult for me, i don't want to speak to any of my friends because most of them are in a relationship and i feel that if i speak to them it will be unfair because they allready have someone that they share the burden with. This is also tied in with the realisation that i have been best friends with couples since the age of 15 and have only just now started to resent anything and everything couply i witness...its terrible jealousy i know.

All of this is coming up at a time where i am at the dawn of my two year anniversery of singledom, where the prospect of ever finding anyone, possibly the only person that i can depend on?, seems completely foreign to me. The whole 'finding that someone' is made 1000 times harder by the fact that i am gay, not very scene and cripplingly shy when it comes to speaking to people that i find attractive. To me its like i am never going to find what i am looking for, whilst i dodge offers of sex and one night stands but can't seem to find anyone that wants to do anything else with me but have sex.

Im sorry...i know that doesn't make much sense but i had to get it all down...i admit i feel a tiny bit better after writing that but, i want some advice on what to do next. Wether i should try to speak to the counsiler again or....how i can open up to people? i don't know what to do. All i know is that Im incredibly lonely but scared to let anyone know that fact.
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Re: Lonely times

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Feb 27, 2009 1:39 pm

i think maybe this counsellor wasn't right for you
a good counsellor finds ways to get you to opn up
find another one
i don't like the fact you have come away feeling like you need to depend on anyone
yes have friends and support system but depend on yourself
you can't get a partner because you want someone to depend on, you both have to be who you are and come together and hoepfully support and help each other but dependence on any person or a substance is a dangerous thing becasue when it is gone or they are gone what happens then or you can drive someone away becasue you become clingy
you need to find acceptance with yourself and this is obvisouly about your self esteem that is why you feel the need to mimick others becasue you aren't comfortable with yourself or your own emotions
you have admitted you hate to open up but with the right counsellor you can begin to heal if you open up and let go of the past and learn how to love yourself more
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Re: Lonely times

Postby Evi » Wed Mar 11, 2009 12:46 am

Omg...apart from your unstable parents, you sound EXACTLY like me-or how I used to be! I know exactly what you mean when you say your personality doesn't feel your own, but just lots of bits of other people's and about the whole empathy thing. I experienced those feelings almost all through my teens, and in my opinion, all it means is you have self-esteem so low that it's virtually non-existant: You are constantly looking for other people to copy and other people's emotions to mimic, without even meaning to, because you feel so empty all the time. That's how I always used to feel, anyway-it may or may not be the same for you, but I think it sounds extremely similar.
I too am gay and have been single for two and a HALF years now (Ha! I beat you on this one :P), and I totally feel your frustration-almost all my friends are in couples, too-and is it just me, or is the whole world actually straight??? I swear I haven't met anyone gay since I was last in a relationship! I seem to be offering empathy rather than help here-sorry! You might be better off going to your GP, explaining how you feel, and being refferred to a counsellor through them. Sounds like this one at the university felt a bit out of his or her depth, and more or less panicked and ran away! But I'm sure you DO have a very unique personlaity of your own-after a while, watching and copying and feeling like others becomes a habit, in my experience, and it's also one that's very easy to rely on when you're feeling low, more so than facing up to the past and sorting out why you feel this way. But, as I'm sure you've realised, sorting out your past, acceptng it, and moving on from it, is what will enable you to "find yourself", if you like-rediscover your own, real personality. I sound like a bit of a daytime-TV guru, I know, but this has been my personal experince on the same topic.
Well I wish you the very best of luck, and feel free to message me on here whenever you like-I haven't worked out if and how you can do that on this site yet; I only joined it this evening, but I'm sure I'll soon learn! Good luck xxxx
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Re: Lonely times

Postby Peanut1977 » Thu May 28, 2009 5:16 pm

Oh my goodness you sound EXACTLY like me, our lives are parallel!! I too was the dependable rock, i still remember sitting by my mum when I was about 4 and just sat there stroking her back as she sobbed over my horrible dad. My feet didnt' even touch the floor and my overwhelming memory of that is thinking "I have to be strong for my mum". This kind of thing fks you up in all kinds of ways. The thing is, and I really don't mean to sound patronising when I say this, but you know where your 'issues' come from, you have a) realised you have a few problems and b) know why you do - you honestly are halfway there. I do agree in that maybe the counsellor wasn't right for you - Lord knows I tried my fair share and it's not just a professional relationship, you have to genuinely like and feel comfortable and secure with the councellor. I tried one for 6 months and not once did I cry, I left thinking "hurrah i'm cured" and wondering why, a few months later I was back to square one. The second wasn't much better but the third I really liked, I felt she cared and encouraged me to just let it out. It was liberating. I know it's a pain but maybe you need to try a few frog councellors before you meet your prince one! And don't feel bad about not being able to talk with your friends, tbh a lot of people can't cope when you start to talk about stuff like this, unless they've been through it themselves and more importantly,dealt with it, they can't even start to understand. Trust me on this one, save this stuff for a good counsellor. I wish you all the luck in the world, PM me if you'd like to talk more about it x
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Re: Lonely times

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Fri May 29, 2009 9:16 am

Thats good advice from peanut as someone else who has been through the same thing.

Peanut1977 wrote:I too was the dependable rock, i still remember sitting by my mum when I was about 4 and just sat there stroking her back as she sobbed over my horrible dad. My feet didnt' even touch the floor and my overwhelming memory of that is thinking "I have to be strong for my mum


You know I was the rock too, for different reasons...but when I was younger my parents always talked about divorce, except they'd come to me and talk about it and their problems rather than with each other. I do honestly think it's the reason I can't emotionally become attatched or I'm never sure about how I'm feeling and that I always hide my feelings, it's made me loose the ability to say "I love you" - which hurts me too. Point is please go and see another counsillor or another few counsillors, as peanut said you need to find a few frog counsillors before you find your prince counsillor (sorry I just liked peanuts phrase). Once you find the right one, it'll be worth it!
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