Getting my head clear

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Getting my head clear

Postby cheekymonkey » Sun Mar 22, 2009 11:08 am

Hiya all

My hoping that sending this e-mail will help me try and clear my head a bit!

Firstly i know that everyone who reads this will think am stupid, In fact i know am stupid. I should be grateful for my wonderful like but for some reason i cant seem to clear my head of something that didnt happen. Its like i wont allow myself to be happy.

A couple of years ago after a night out, i got very drunk and ending up kissing a good friend of mine. I went back to his house, we kissed and i ended up topless but nothing happen. I feel dirty for allowing this to happen, but again i know nothing could of happened cause i had a tampon. After the incident we were still good friends and i seemed to forget al about it until about a year ago. I was single at the time. I just cant get over it. I am scared something happened which i didnt want to. I actually spoke to the lad recently and he said nothing happened so why am i still worrying about it.

I have the most amazing boyfriend, i love him so much but i feel i am spoiling my relationship with my boyfriend. I cant look at other couple cause i always think i bet they lifes are prefects. I always think i bet their girlfriends didnt do what i did, (but what did i do wrong?) My boyfriend is great and keeps telling me to stop worrying but i cant.

I am hoping that writing this will help me but it just has my headed all messed up!

Please help me get over this
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Re: Getting my head clear

Postby RagDoll » Mon Mar 23, 2009 1:21 pm

Stop beating yourself up for something that happened whilst you were single! It's not like you jumped into bed with the guy, so please don't worry about it. We've all had a past and it sounds like your boyfriend doesn't have an issue with it, so why should you?

With regards to other couples.. no one is perfect and neither is their life. You said yourself you've got an amazing boyfriend and that's as perfect as you can hope for.
We don’t see things the way they are; we see things the way we are
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Re: Getting my head clear

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Mar 23, 2009 1:28 pm

you feel like you don't deserve to be ahppy but why shouldn't you be
what you did was nothing at all to worry about, your boyfriend doesn't care the friend you did it with doesn't care
it can't be that bad be4casue topless girls are in the newspaper everyday with 1000's of poeple having a look, you7 only showed one guy
As ragdoll said you din't sleep with him
We all make mistakes but you can't change what you did so don't let it mess up your future, it's done and over with, leave it in the past where it belongs
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

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Re: Getting my head clear

Postby cheekymonkey » Mon Mar 30, 2009 12:20 pm

I dont know how to get over it!!

I honestly hate myself and cant seem to be happy. Whenever am happy i always think about this and then remember what a horrible person i am. I just cant seem to get this out of my head. I just think i wish my life was over sometimes then i could be free from all this worrying. I am so fed up. I cant stop crying and am sick of feeling like i've done something really wrong.

I've even tried to broke up with my boyfriend, to see if i can clear my head. I dont know what to do anymore.
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Re: Getting my head clear

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Mar 30, 2009 12:29 pm

everytime you think of it you have to replace the thought with something else that makes you happy
If you really can't stop this maybe you need conselling as it could be like an obsesssive compulsion
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

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Re: Getting my head clear

Postby cheekymonkey » Mon Mar 30, 2009 1:12 pm

Thank you so much for your reply.

I have just type obsesssive compulsion into the serach engine and i actually do most of the things it says. I never for 1 moment suggested this but i honestly think you have put your finger on it.

am going to do loads of research into this and try and book an appointment with my doctor
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Re: Getting my head clear

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Mar 30, 2009 3:18 pm

Good luck with it. You'll have to post an update when you can :)
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Re: Getting my head clear

Postby cheekymonkey » Sat May 09, 2009 7:35 pm

Good evening.

Well am back with no news. I never went to the doctors cause am so scared he will just laugh at me.
I really need some help but i really dont know where to turn.
I try to look postive but i find it so difficult, Any ideas on what i can do?
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Re: Getting my head clear

Postby snail » Sun May 10, 2009 10:52 am

You said you do many obsessive-compulsive things - make a list of these and take it with you when you go to see your doctor. He or she certainly won't laugh at you, but it does help to have as much 'evidence' that you need help as you can. If you're very unhappy, or struggling with work or relationships, make sure you specifically tell the doctor so - the doctor is looking for someone who really can't do usual things, rather than someone who is just experiencing the typical day-to-day frustrations. Or if you really don't want to talk to the doctor could you afford to see a counsellor privately?

cheekymoney wrote:Whenever am happy i always think about this and then remember what a horrible person i am.


Well, that really doesn't make sense, since what you did wasn't wrong or bad in any way whatsoever.

cheekymoney wrote:Its like i wont allow myself to be happy.


But that does. That's what it's all about.You want to hurt and punish yourself, so you are using this incident to beat yourself up. If this incident had never happened, you'd find something else to beat yourself up about. So it isn't about the incident at all, it's about why you don't feel you're allowed to be happy, or why you're not worthy. That's hopefully what counselling would help you work out.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: Getting my head clear

Postby cheekymonkey » Sun May 10, 2009 6:47 pm

Thank you so much for your reply.

I can't afford counselling and even talking to people isnt making it any better. Am trying so hard to find what is causing this.
When i think back i just think what a dirty whore you were. Maybe i gave out the wrong signs, I know nothing happened but what if he raped me? What if i dont knwo about it, I think that is what is scaring me mostly, what could of happened. But then we were friend after that and spent many nights out together and i felt so comfortable around him, He always looked out for me and i think he wouldnt of hurt me if he cared for me that much.
This poor fella, he aint dont nothing wrong yet i cant look at him anymore without thinking he has.
When i was 11 i was sexually abused but a senior family member and i dont honestly think am 100% over this yet. I do things and then do all the thinking after and usually over think!! (Which is what i am doing now!)
I just wanna be happy again and think...... So what i had a snog and fell asleep pretty much naked in his bed! Unlucky sod did get any!! I wanna laugh about it but i just feel digusted.

Does any of this make any sense??

Thanks for listening to me! I needed this much!
Last edited by cheekymonkey on Sun May 10, 2009 8:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Getting my head clear

Postby snail » Sun May 10, 2009 7:41 pm

Well, I'm no expert but I think the sexual abuse is definitely linked to this - both in making you feel like you don't deserve to be happy, and making you blow the sexual incident with your friend out of proportion. I would go see your doctor - what have you got to lose? Mention how troubled you are, and that you feel you haven't come to terms with being sexually abused as a child. I'm sure your doctor will agree to counselling. If you don't feel you will express yourself properly, make some notes of what you want to say and take them with you. Phone and make an appointment tomorrow.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: Getting my head clear

Postby cheekymonkey » Mon May 11, 2009 9:37 am

Good morning all.

Well am not feeling to good 2day. I have booked an appointment with the doctor but i dont know he can do. Am so scared he is going to laugh at me.
Am feeling really upset 2day, i just wanna cry, i think if anyone shouts at me at work 2day i think i'll cry!!
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Re: Getting my head clear

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon May 11, 2009 10:02 am

The doctor will NOT laugh at you.

You seem sort of paranoid in a way, my friend went through the same thing - he kept thinking people at work were watching him and they were laughing at him. In reality no one was or did laugh at him. He got so upset by it that he took an overdose - he was hopsitalised; it took him to be hospitalised that he did need help and that just talking through his problems to me wasn't the best solution - that doctors were better. My friend said he used to visit the doctor and just break down crying. He was put on anti-depressents.

Please go to the doctors; it's not worth risking anything else happening or making yourself more upset!
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Re: Getting my head clear

Postby cheekymonkey » Mon May 11, 2009 12:09 pm

Hiya, Did the anit-depressents help?
Am so scared, I really wanna be my happy self again. I miss her!
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Re: Getting my head clear

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon May 11, 2009 12:22 pm

I think they did help him.

However speak to your doctor because then can advise you better than 100 pp'ers. Go to the doctors and you'll be on the first step to getting happy "cheekymoney" back.
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