Is it just me? is my husband normal and I'm too sensitive?

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Is it just me? is my husband normal and I'm too sensitive?

Postby staravia » Mon Apr 06, 2009 11:32 pm

Hi, been here before for advice on depression caused by a very sad year. I am very glad to say I have recovered with help from a counsellor. My main issue before was my husband who was finding it difficult to support me and the rejection lead to me feeling worse.
Sometimes, he was there, but on his terms.
I feel that I have come out the other end now but feel a bit let down. If I am ever upset now I will hide it from him rather than face his rejection.
We have been married for 16 years, he is faithful, hard working and a great dad to our son.

We decided to go on holiday abroad, hoping to move on and I saw it as a new start.
I am 36, size 12-14 and I think reasonable good shape, my husband is very fit, always watching what he eats and so on...
I made such an effort to look my best each night, yet he never made comment. He occasionally made comments about my eating and how I could have a better body If I wanted and did something about it. He knew I felt insecure about him seeing me in a bikini in daylight but couldn't bring himself to make comment. His silience comfirmed my fears but his comments on other 'fit' women was too much for me.

It felt so bad I spent most of the holiday wishing he wasn't there, I wasn't comfortable, I felt completely inadequate.
One night a song was being played that reminded me of my mum who I lost last year, tears came to my eyes, I told him why and he laughed at me.
He is sarcastic to me. I irritate him. He thinks it's okay to admit to me that he wishes I looked better and states that all men must think this of their partners. Then when I get upset, he back-tracks by saying that he thinks I'm beautiful. He says that he hopes it will motivate me if he puts me down. But I remember being size 10 and he was still negative, he tells me now that he did like the way I was then but did appreciate it. I don't think he'll ever be happy or I'll ever be good enough.

We tried to discuss this, I have suggested couselling together.

Then he expects me to be able to make love, oh my god but he has made me feel alone, unworthy and just plain frumpy.
Is it just me? is this normal and I'm too sensitive?


Now, I'm scared aas I feel numb, sort of past caring, that If we weren't together as least I would feel so bad about myself. If it wasn't for our son, I would go but neither of us could bear doing that to him. I feel trapped. I love him so much but I have no fight in me left.
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Re: Is it just me? is my husband normal and I'm too sensitive?

Postby rufio89 » Tue Apr 07, 2009 8:10 am

I don't think you're being over-sensitive at all. I think he's being rude, chauvinistic and just downright cruel. You shouldnt put up with that kind of behaviour. I'm a size 12, and my boyfriend is a fitness freak, he panics if he gains a pound whereas I try to watch what I eat, but I dont freak out if I gain a bit of weight, and he has NEVER made me feel like that, he's always telling me how beautiful I am etc, so even if he does think "she could lose a few pounds" (which maybe he does, I think I could!), he would NEVER say it to me, and he makes a big effort to make sure I feel attractive, which is what men SHOULD do. Your husband is being horrible to you and you shouldnt put up with it.

as for the thing about the song - I cannot believe he acted that way. You only lost your Mum last year, it'll still be raw, and to be honest, if it were me and I heard the song, I'd probably have to excuse myself to go and sob somewhere, whereas you stayed strong with a few tears in your eyes.

You dont deserve to be treated like this at all, this man has no respect for you, and if he loves you like he says he does he needs to sort himself out. You are not doing anything wrong.
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Re: Is it just me? is my husband normal and I'm too sensitive?

Postby kerrie24 » Tue Apr 07, 2009 9:20 am

Most men I know are rubbish at giving compliments or making you feel good or even having an opinion when your trying something on.I have to say to my boyfriend 'do you think this looks good?' 'do you think its too tight?'etc, if you want a confidence boost, take a woman with you,haha.
No but not saying you look good is one thing and purposely putting you down/commenting on other women is a different matter alltogether!That is unnacceptable and i would make sure you let him know that.As for the song thing, i think he was a bit nasty and insensitive to laugh when he could of just shown you a bit of support or given you a hug or something.You are not being over sensitive at all, a little bit of compassion is not too much to expect from him.Try not and dwell on it though and in future tell him when he does or says something that bothers you,he might not have realised.
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Re: Is it just me? is my husband normal and I'm too sensitive?

Postby RagDoll » Tue Apr 07, 2009 10:55 am

As Kerrie pointed out, I agree that a lot of men are rubbish at giving compliments, but there is no need to just criticise all the time - the way he's treating you sounds horrible. My boyfriend wouldn't dare say things like that to me - firstly, he'd get a mouth full back, but most of all, he loves and respects me. I don't see how putting you down will motivate you, it'll just make you feel miserable, besides, being a size 12-14 is fine anyway, I don't see what his problem is.

When you suggested you see a counsellor together did he agree?

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what to suggest. Counselling might be an idea, but is it going to change him/make him see the error of his ways?! I don't know if it will, though for your sake I hope so. I know you said you feel trapped and don't want to leave for your sons' sake, but I wouldn't put up with this kind of behaviour. You need to have some respect for yourself and firmly tell him it's not on and you won't put up with it at the very least. I'm outraged on your behalf!!
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Re: Is it just me? is my husband normal and I'm too sensitive?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Apr 07, 2009 10:56 am

I agree with the three above posters...you have done nothing wrong, you are not over sensitive. Your husband is just plain rude and immature!

Maybe men do think "I wish my partner looked more like her" however they'd never say it!
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Re: Is it just me? is my husband normal and I'm too sensitive?

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Apr 07, 2009 11:15 am

you need to get your partner to understand that by critising you he will just make your self esteem worse
I agree that conselling together so someone can make your husband realise the effect he has
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Re: Is it just me? is my husband normal and I'm too sensitive?

Postby staravia » Tue Apr 07, 2009 6:15 pm

wow, I really didn't expect that replies! I expected maybe replies saying that men are just made up that way and I'd have to accept it, thankyou very much though, it has made me think that your right, I don't deserve this.
I love him but can't put up with feeling so low about myself in his company. I know he's loves me but is he (cliche I know!) in love with me? he certainely doesn't worship/adore me, he doesn't go out of his way to make me happy....
If I bring this up, he'll roll his eyes, say I'm never happy and so on, so maybe a counsellor is the best way to go.
I worry that it's too late now, even if he stops saying it, I know him so well now, I'd be paranoid knowing what he's thinking. He'll justify it by saying he always tells me the truth, even so if you love someone.....
haha I could of swung for him on the plane on the way home, there was a pict of mel b (spice girl) on stage in a basque looking great, last year I attempted a similair look, I'm size 10/12 bottom half and I'm 34E size 12/14 top, thought I looked great for him...so he said ' you could look like that if you made an effort' om my god!!!!! I said 'mmmm I looked good as her in my basque'....arghhhh he just rolled his eyes!!!!!!

Oh heck! no it's not acceptable flip sake, do you stay with someone if they are not 'in love' with you? Thankfully he's away working until tommorow night, give me a chance to calm down!
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Re: Is it just me? is my husband normal and I'm too sensitive?

Postby snail » Tue Apr 07, 2009 9:58 pm

As the others have said,this is NOT acceptable. He is not showing you respect or affection and I don't think you should put up with it.

By the way, why don't you find a few pictures of nice-looking men with their tops off in a magazine, drool over them a bit, and then frequently say "You could look like that if you wanted and did something about it". Tell him it's natural for all women to wish their husband spent more time in the gym. Don't worry if you think he already does look that good - it sounds like you look pretty good too and that hasn't stopped him putting you down, so don't let it stop you. Let him be on the receiving end of being treated like a piece of meat, bullied and put down for a change.
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Re: Is it just me? is my husband normal and I'm too sensitive?

Postby peecee » Tue Apr 07, 2009 10:27 pm

staravia wrote:He'll justify it by saying he always tells me the truth.....


No, he doesn't. He says the first thing that comes into his head without worrying about the effect it's having on the person he's supposed to love most in the world, and support the most; ok, we're all guilty of that sometimes, it's easier to be careless with someone you're close to, because you don't feel you have to guard your tongue all the time.

But when he KNOWS he's hurt you, or he KNOWS you're upset about your mum, he doesn't even seem to care. How is that supposed to be love, whether he's "in love" with you, or just "loves" you? Whichever sort it is, love doesn't go out of its way to hurt people. :evil:

Would it be ok if I dropped a sack of potatoes on his head, hun...? :)

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Re: Is it just me? is my husband normal and I'm too sensitive?

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Apr 08, 2009 10:33 am

Don't give up yet without at least trying the conselling - he may well really love you but have difficulty expressing it
sometimes people attack first as a form of defense, he may well have his own self etseem issues and cover them up well.
There will always be better looking woman, younger woman and ones with better bodies but there will also be worse looking, older and ones who really don't look after themselves. It isn't just about that though he should love you for who you are and you should be able to be friends, lovers and confidents to each other.
It is possible with conselling he will start to realise just what a great woman you are and he will start to express it. I don't beleive he would have been with you all these years if he didn't love you
At least if you give it a go and it doens't work you can walk away knowing you really have tried your best and it's through no fault of yours it hasn't worked
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Re: Is it just me? is my husband normal and I'm too sensitive?

Postby Josie » Sat Apr 11, 2009 8:30 pm

I cannot believe that you might think this is normal!! It is awful that you have been made to feel inadequate, and also to believe that you are over-sensitive. You sound like a normal, caring, feeling person, and he sounds as though he is the one who has issues about feelings and grief. You heard a song that reminded you of your mother who has passed away, and you had a completely normal reaction to that sadness, which any normal, loving person would have -- and instead of giving you a hug and kissing you and making you feel better, he made you feel stupid and even sadder. He sounds completely insensitive and I cannot believe he criticises your body in such a way. If somebody loves you, they should love everything about you, 'imperfections' and all. In fact, our personal, unique 'flaws' should be those little extras that make us special, and that make our loved ones love us even more. He is damaging you, he is damaging your confidence, and he is hurting you in a time when you are still raw from enormous emotional upheaval, and what sounds like a terrible grieving period in your life.
You sound like you KNOW that you are in good shape, that you deserve compliments when you look your best, and he obviously has a brain-blockage when it comes to these things (sorry that is a stupid expression, but my brain is mush since having my babies). He needs serious talking to. Have you told him how this makes you feel? I just wanted to tell you that you are definitely NOT 'too sensitive', you sound very much in touch with your feelings and you sound caring and considerate. He is being none of those things towards you, and you NEED that. You need love, affection, support, compliments, and you deserve them. He is not giving you what you need. I hope you are able to confront these issues with him, and maybe sort things out, but to be honest, from what I've read, it doesn't sound like he is a very desirable person to be with. There is no WAY I would stand for it if my partner made comments about other women and their bodies; it would completely CRUSH my already very low confidence, and my partner knows this, he would not dream of doing such a thing. He is sensitive towards these feelings. Have you tried giving him a taste of his own medicine? Have you tried comparing him to some extremely attractive celebrity or something, telling him he needs to work on his abs or whatever? I would if I were you; just to show him how it feels. Next time he criticises your figure, straightaway say something similar back, let him know he is treading on very thin ice, and that you could easily go out and find someone far more attractive, kind, sympathetic, affectionate, sensitive, and loving. Which you COULD by the way.

Good luck to you, x
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Re: Is it just me? is my husband normal and I'm too sensitive?

Postby staravia » Wed Apr 15, 2009 12:40 am

I know, I totally agree with comments and would be the first to get annoyed if a friend of mine was putting up with this treatment, really it wasn't until I got it all 'out' here that I realised how bad it has been.
We have had a long serious talk, I have explained that he makes me feel bad about myself, unworthy and so on and that I have thought about how things would be if we were not together I wouldn't feel so bad. Counselling is our next step. I just hope this is a step in the right direction and not the begining of the end.
The comments posted have really helped, making me realise that this can't go on. Thank-you very much!!!
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Re: Is it just me? is my husband normal and I'm too sensitive?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Apr 15, 2009 9:52 am

staravia wrote:Counselling is our next step. I just hope this is a step in the right direction and not the begining of the end.


Good luck with the counciling.
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Re: Is it just me? is my husband normal and I'm too sensitive?

Postby staravia » Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:59 pm

I don't know what to do, I still feel numb, my husband is making an effort, when I say that, what I mean he is trying to charm me into forgetting how I'm feeling. He's telling me he loves me and so on, but I just feel like I'm seeing for the first time how much he has hurt me over the years.
Just little things, but the odd 'dig' here and there, feeling that I have to fight for anything and being made to feel that I should be forever thankful has just dragged me down.
I'm so scared for my son who thinks the world of his dad, I also know that deep down somewhere my husband does love me in his own way and I'm more worried for him now as I do think he'd fall to pieces.
I want to be happy but all I have is negative thoughts and reminders of how he has hurt me.
This afternoon, a work colleague was mentioning that her husband loves it when they wake up in the morning and she has no make-up on, puffy face and messy hair! oh I wanted to cry, for someone to love you so much. It's not that I want anyone else; I just feel I'd rather be on my own, not feeling inadequate or unworthy. I think this is what started me off again!!
Since our 'this can't go on' talks, he seems to think we have cleared the air and everything’s fine again.
I'm embarrassed of the fact that I have no close friends, no parents, aunts, uncle or anyone I can go for a shoulder to cry on, I'm not sure as at work I'm outgoing, friendly and can speak to anyone without any problems. I do have a problem but understand after having counselling already this has been brought on with growing up with parents with mental health issues and spending a lot of my childhood alone. I accept this but I think that is why I am finding this so hard. My husband is the only close person in my life and without him I'd be totally alone.
I just really want him to be there for me and that I can rely on him.
I really appreciated the advice received so far and I will still have a go at marriage counselling, but it does help just getting it out.
Oh, I feel like running away!!! (My son though is everything to me, I could never do that to him)
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Re: Is it just me? is my husband normal and I'm too sensitive?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Apr 21, 2009 9:50 am

Go to mariage councilling and see how it goes for a while first.

After your chats your husband seems to think everything is ok - I'd like to add here that "some" men (and women) think that discussing the problem will mean a sorted problem. He probably doesn't realise that you will need more time to come to terms with it and that he's actually hurt your feelings so much. Take your time; you won't have a miracle cure within a few weeks it will take months, maybe even years to sort the problem out thoroughly. Just take each step at a time - set little goals rather than huge goals. You said your hubby had been saying how much he loves you - take that as small step number 1.

:grouphug: You do ALWAYS have a PP shoulder to cry on you know. I know it's no where as comforting as a real shoulder however there are more shoulders and more opinions and more people who will say nice things to you.
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