I don't know how feel.

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I don't know how feel.

Postby ThisIsATempo » Sun Apr 19, 2009 5:06 am

As posted in the School/College/Uni thread, I'm under a lot of stress.

I find myself caring less, and less, everyday about everything.
From college I've gotten stress, lack of faith, depression. And to top it off my whole family keeps telling about about how successful my siblings now are. It's as if it's a competition or something. I know they mean no harm, and I am proud for those siblings, but for someone like me it's heartbreaking. To know that I'm from a successful family, and I can't even decide what I'm good at.

Also, I can't feel affection properly.
A year and a half ago I got into a long distance relationship(unofficial. I dislike proclamations) - she was the perfect woman; the epiphany of perfect, if you must. It was fine for a good 6 or 7 months. We saw each other practically every weekend anyway, it only being a 6 hour train away. But after 6(/7)months she started ignoring me, rejecting my calls and let it die out. We talk minimally. She acted as if nothing happened.
Ever since then I haven't felt affection for a woman. Sure, there's been some weekends that didn't mean anything but even then it was just desire that killed me a little inside.
I feel so detached from the world. I can only show happiness when I'm drunk.

My friends know nothing about me, either. My personality is constantly changing and I find myself lying compulsively, even at small, tiny things that don't even matter.
I don't understand what's going on with my mind.
Another problem is my memory is terrible. I can barely remember anything of a year ago. There's been a few occasions where someone has been talking to me and within seconds I've completely forgotten what they've said. Friends have also pointed that out.
I just.. Don't know what to do. I don't particularly want to go and see a shrink.
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Re: I don't know how feel.

Postby staravia » Sun Apr 19, 2009 3:29 pm

hey there,
I'm sorry to hear how bad you must be feeling, I felt really sad reading your post..
I suffered from depression for 8 months or so, only now after seeing a 'shrink' and coming out the other end that I now look back over that time and realise how bad it had become and appreciate how good it is to think with a clear, assertive and balanced mind!
Thing is, you know yourself your depressed and I think to anyone else reading your post would agree.
All your feelings of caring less, no feelings/affection and memory loss (oh my god I couldn't remember anything! was quite embarrassing) are all symptoms I'd say.
You are still not over your past relationship, sounds like you were you in love with her? and for it to finish the way it did was terrible, my god that was horrible!!!
The lies, (at least you admit it) do you thing you may be doing it because although everything for you is out of your control, that lying however big or small is something that only you can have control over? I was also behaving odd, odd behaviour that I could control but maybe a part of me wanted others to notice and pay me some attention, cry for help! You say no-one knows who you are, do you not think your worth knowing?
Do you have high expectations of yourself and others?
Sounds your on a 'self destruct' at the moment, how on earth can you deal with this by yourself? I don't think you can, you need to open up to someone.

You've got to stop bottling up!!! sorry to nag but please, just talk to someone :)
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Re: I don't know how feel.

Postby ThisIsATempo » Sun Apr 19, 2009 11:02 pm

Thanks for taking the time to reply:).

The reason I don't particularly want to see one is because, well, although it's a pretty grim outlook of life, it's the inevitable of it. In my head I've got this little theory that if I don't expect anything then what's the worse that could happen? It's probably why I'm so judgmental of everyone I see; depicting the bad points and outlining them with the good(though, it's just what goes on in my head. I wouldn't go around telling people their bad points). I also guess that because of this I'm saying to myself 'Well, what good could a psychiatrist do?'.
I guess you could say that, yeah. I've never really got over it. I compare everyone to her.
Yeah, I think so too. It's also because even with the slightest lie it's a story to tell; it makes my life seem that tiny part more interesting, where in reality I have had a pretty interesting life.
It's not that I'm not worth knowing, it's that I don't want to hassle people with how I really feel. I'm scared of people knowing me. I change my personality around different people, with one person I could be quite vulgar, with another quite sensitive.
I don't know what I expect of myself really. My whole life 'get through Uni to have the most amazing lifestyle' has been drilled into my head, so I can't even tell if it's what I want or not. Yeah, of course I want to go to Uni. But it feels so.. hereditary as opposed to something I genuinely want..

I don't really have anyone to talk to, that's the main thing really. My family would get worried. Close friends would just be 'Ah, you'll get over it.'

Thanks again.
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Re: I don't know how feel.

Postby snail » Sun Apr 19, 2009 11:41 pm

ThisIsATempo wrote: I also guess that because of this I'm saying to myself 'Well, what good could a psychiatrist do?'.

We all think that. The reality is that a professional's input can be immensely useful - your thinking gets stuck in patterns, and you need someone else's feedback to make you realise that, and change it. A lot of what you've said - that you are judgmental, that you can't tell what you really want, that things are 'inevitable' - indicate that your thinking goes round and round in the same rigid ways. I really think you could benefit tremendously from counselling (you don't need a psychiatrist as such - you are not mentally ill, just wrestling with life's problems). Counselling can be painful and hard work, but I found it very useful for similar problems myself. There really are whole new ways to look at things and deal with things that probably haven't occurred to you, and this is when a good counsellor can be so helpful.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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