oh no, here I go again......

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oh no, here I go again......

Postby staravia » Sun May 17, 2009 4:24 pm

oh no, here I go again......
cut a long story short of my previous posts, in the last year I have quite a bit too much to worry about, loosing my mum in August, suffering from depression (thankfully I'm on top of that now I hope) and a crisis with my husband.
I recieved some counselling which was great for me and I understood that most of my insecurities were down to a variety of stuff like, neglect as a child, not trusting people in particular other women and this leaving me with an inability to make friends. I understand why I am the way I am now and when I finished my counselling I felt positive about changing my life for the better.
To any outsider, I am friendly, I can speak to people without any problems, am outgoing and I get on with most people. I still can't seem t make freinds, I know it'll take time and I know my insecurities mean I push people as I can't seem to let the 'barriers' down in fear of being rejected. I'm embarrassed that by getting to know people they will see how 'friendless' I really am.
As my husband works away so much of the time and my son thankfully is sociable and at 9 years of age has more friends now than I've had in my life, I am now very lost and lonely, I dread weekends when I have nothing to do and summer holidays coming up I have 6 weeks off, I worry I'll become depressed again.

For some reason this has only become such a big issue since loosing my mum, I never had anyone to talk to about her death and spent night after night trying to keep it together until my son went to bed before I'd either cry myself to sleep or stare into space in shock. So many times I just wished someone was there for me (my husband couldn't deal with me)....and still do....

I don't think the depressions back but the lonliness on some days like today is hard to bare.
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Re: oh no, here I go again......

Postby jen » Sun May 17, 2009 6:22 pm

Hi there

I haven't read any of your previous posts so don't completely know all the background of this so i'm only replying on the basis of your current post, so apologies for anything i get wrong.

Firstly i just want to say i'm so sorry about you losing your mum. I can barely imagine what that would be like to go through. My mum is like my best friend and i wouldn't even be able to contemplate what life would be like without her. Maybe one of the reasons you are feeling so lonely (especially since the passing of your mother) is maybe because she would normally be the person you would talk to about things like this?

You say you've been going to counselling and it is helping with insecurities etc, but have you thought about maybe discussing your mothers death with your counsellor? I think maybe going through this with them and having the proper chance to be upset/angry about it when you're with someone who is quallified to deal with these types of situations might be the first step in helping you to overcome it. I don't mean that it will disappear, but they will maybe be able to give you help with coping.

As for you not having many friends/people to spend time with (other than your son and husband) have you thought about maybe joining a club or a class in your area? I know some areas that have clubs where people can broaden their interests and skills and also have the chance to meet new people. Maybe even an evening class? A few years back, I moved over 350 miles from home to be with my partner at the time. I have to say that i felt totally lost. The only people i had were my (now ex) and his friends. I had a job but no-one seemed to socialise outside work. I constantly felt lonely. I decided to have a look online for classes in the area i lived (the local council website sometimes has things on it) I found an interior design class/club. I have always had an interest in this and thought it would be a good way to meet people. It was very scary at first (new city/people etc) but once i got there, i realised that most people that were there had come on their own too so didn't feel as bad. I ended up meeting lots of new people and eventually built up the courage to ask one of the girls i'd become friendly with to go for a drink. I then went on to meet some of her friends and became friendly with some of the other people in the class. I'm not saying i was suddenly swamped with friends but it did help. Even if i hadn't made any friends to go out with after the class, at least i know that those two nights a week, i'd be able to do something i enjoy and just have a coffee and a natter with people. I don't knwo if there is anything like this where you are. Even if it's something you know nothing about, it still gives you a chance to get out and just really have someone different to talk to.

Sorry i don't know if any of this helps, i just tend to use personal experience and hopefully give some ideas.

I'd also like to say, and i don't know if you've previously posted about this but i find it very difficult to understand why your husband wasn't there for you when your mum passed away. It seems strange that your life partner, lover and (supposed to be) best friend just couldn't be there for you - even to listen or just give you a hug when you were going through this. Is everything ok with this part of your life? Have you spoke to him about it? Does he even know how you feel. Again sorry if you've already gone over this.

I really hope this has helped and i'm really happy to hear that you're managing to (albeit slowly) overcome/contol your depression - this intself is a great achievement.
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Re: oh no, here I go again......

Postby peecee » Sun May 17, 2009 7:16 pm

Darling, I've linked this to your previous thread, which gives more of the history, and makes it easier for PPers to advise you. :)

Lots of love

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