How do you get over someone?

For problems with mental or emotional well being.
Forum rules
NEW USERS HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEIR FIRST POSTS TO BE APPROVED BY AN ADMINISTRATOR. Rules | Essential Information | FAQ | Support | Twitter

How do you get over someone?

Postby ILoveChristmas » Wed May 27, 2009 9:21 am

I said at the beginning of my reply to Ruth (Rufio) that i'm not the one to be dishing out advice on relationships and here's why.

I was with my partner for more than seven years, in that time we had a baby boy who's now nearly 4 and the love of both our lives. We split up nearly 2 years ago for various reasons, but primarily because we avoided things rather than talked them through. Inevitably the things we avoided caught up with us and the relationship ended.

Anyway, my ex-partner moved on from me very quickly. Within a month she was in a relationship with a man she met on holiday and has been in other relationships since. The problem I have is that i've never stopped loving her and my feelings today are as strong as they've ever been. I see her most days because i'm lucky enough to be able to see my son most days too and i'm sure that doesn't help the 'getting over' process.

My question is how people get over relationships. I completely understand that there's no sense in holding onto the past, but i've no desire to find anyone new. Going to see my son every day just puts me closer to what's going on in her life and I find it impossible not to let that upset me.

Any miracle cures out there? Suggestions, even reality checks welcome.

ILC
Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive. - Stephen Fry.

The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. — Steve Furtick
User avatar
ILoveChristmas
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 676
Joined: Tue Oct 21, 2008 4:24 pm
Location: Ayrshire, Scotland.
Gender: Male

Re: How do you get over someone?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed May 27, 2009 9:30 am

I would say you just get used to it with time, however you've not been together for 2 years, but you were togehter for a long time! You can't move on because you see her almost everyday, you are stilll involved in her life; I also think because she jumped into another relationship 'straight away' didn't help you. You haven't had the chance to grieve her so to speak.

I know you say you have no desire to find someone else...however have you tried dating, even just meeting women as friends, it may help you 'get over' her. It's just something to focus on you and your feelings.
A hug is a great gift, one size fits all.
User avatar
dipsydoodlenoodle
Long Term Lodger
Long Term Lodger
 
Posts: 3928
Joined: Fri Feb 08, 2008 4:24 pm
Location: England
Gender: Female

Re: How do you get over someone?

Postby m_m » Wed May 27, 2009 9:36 am

I think you need to be a bit easier on yourself here. Seven years is a long time to be with someone, most marriages nowadays don't last that long and this is the woman who bore your child. It may be that she is moving on very quickly but that is how she may deal with your break-up, she could be torn-up on the inside too but this is her way of showing it and coping. Perhaps she feels she needs to have a man in her life to look after her and your son (even though you are there nearly everyday) as I know 'single' mothers often worry about being left alone (however irrational that fear maybe as your obviously there for them :) ).

Why not put yourself back out there, so to speak, and try going on a couple of dates. You may feel differently when you open yourself up again. Do you think your convincing yourself you still love her because your scared to get into another relationship?

x
User avatar
m_m
Familiar Face
Familiar Face
 
Posts: 289
Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2008 9:40 am
Location: England
Gender: Female

Re: How do you get over someone?

Postby ILoveChristmas » Wed May 27, 2009 9:49 am

Thank you for your reply :)

I wouldn't say I was scared of entering another relationship. I've toyed with the idea for a while, i've even joined a couple of dating websites, but I always end up thinking 'what am I doing?'. I'm doing it because I think I should, not because I actually want to.

Of course it doesn't help that i'm a pretty sensitive (read emotionally weak) person, who can't help but get upset over things like this. I would have thought that 2 years was enough to pick yourself up and get on with life without this other person, but it seems not in my case.

I suppose there's an element of me having not completely grasped that it is over. Being there every day to see my son usually leads to me sitting down and having a cuppa afterwards, watching a bit of telly etc.

She's outwardly cold emotionally, and has been since i've known her. She lost her father when she was 12 and i'm certain that has made her the way she is. Nothing ever appears to upset her and she picks up and moves on very quickly.
Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive. - Stephen Fry.

The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. — Steve Furtick
User avatar
ILoveChristmas
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 676
Joined: Tue Oct 21, 2008 4:24 pm
Location: Ayrshire, Scotland.
Gender: Male

Re: How do you get over someone?

Postby m_m » Wed May 27, 2009 10:01 am

ILoveChristmas wrote:I wouldn't say I was scared of entering another relationship. I've toyed with the idea for a while, i've even joined a couple of dating websites, but I always end up thinking 'what am I doing?'. I'm doing it because I think I should, not because I actually want to.


If this is the case then I wouldn't worry too much. Do what you want, not what other people expect you to do. Just because she has moved on doesn't mean you need to rush into a relationship if your not ready. Fair enough it has been two years but maybe concentrate on getting over her first, which of course is easier said than done, and even if it takes another two years at least then you know when the right person comes along you'll be ready.

ILoveChristmas wrote:Of course it doesn't help that i'm a pretty sensitive (read emotionally weak) person, who can't help but get upset over things like this. I would have thought that 2 years was enough to pick yourself up and get on with life without this other person, but it seems not in my case.


Not always :) some people love very deeply whereas others, not so much. Like I said, don't worry, its not like you have some set time limit you have to get over someone in, its all down to the individual and it doesn't mean your emotionally weak.

ILoveChristmas wrote:I suppose there's an element of me having not completely grasped that it is over. Being there every day to see my son usually leads to me sitting down and having a cuppa afterwards, watching a bit of telly etc.


Obviously being so involved in your son's life (which is fantastic :D =D> ) does bring with it a couple of downsides, namely you come face to face with your ex everyday which does make it very difficult to let go. Perhaps work on distancing yourself, putting those feelings aside and being friendly and amicable instead. Concentrate on your son and if you do want to sit down and have a cup of tea or watch tv, keep reminding yourself that it is over and treat her like a good friend.

ILoveChristmas wrote:She's outwardly cold emotionally, and has been since i've known her. She lost her father when she was 12 and i'm certain that has made her the way she is. Nothing ever appears to upset her and she picks up and moves on very quickly.


Some people are like this. Although she appears to 'move on' you can never be sure how she is feeling, so don't convince yourself she doesn't care. She will always love you as the father of her child but she may not be 'in love' with you anymore as you are with her. That is what you have to keep remembering, as I said before. Care about her but as the mother of your child, not your partner which again is much easier said than done :)
User avatar
m_m
Familiar Face
Familiar Face
 
Posts: 289
Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2008 9:40 am
Location: England
Gender: Female

Re: How do you get over someone?

Postby Bel Bel » Thu May 28, 2009 1:01 pm

Instead of seeing your son everyday could you pick him up some days and take him away from her so you don't have to see as much of her
Spend as many hours with your son but do it regular set days and times rather than a bit each day
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

Cheap Pandora Charms UK

User avatar
Bel Bel
Fully Fledged Flatmate
Fully Fledged Flatmate
 
Posts: 6758
Joined: Thu May 10, 2007 1:58 pm
Location: Hertfordshire
Gender: Female

Re: How do you get over someone?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Thu May 28, 2009 1:06 pm

ooh Bel Bel welcome back, how were your holidays?
A hug is a great gift, one size fits all.
User avatar
dipsydoodlenoodle
Long Term Lodger
Long Term Lodger
 
Posts: 3928
Joined: Fri Feb 08, 2008 4:24 pm
Location: England
Gender: Female

Re: How do you get over someone?

Postby Bel Bel » Thu May 28, 2009 1:10 pm

fab thanks
amazing hotel, best we have ever been to
put on half a stone (all inclusive food was mega and snacks all day)
very hot, i hide under the parasol most of the day but am still really brown
and came back to 284 e mails of which 200 were junk mail - have just finished checking throuhg the genuine ones about an hour ago so thought i'd drop in herre
have to go now but i will be abck this afternoon sometime 8)
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

Cheap Pandora Charms UK

User avatar
Bel Bel
Fully Fledged Flatmate
Fully Fledged Flatmate
 
Posts: 6758
Joined: Thu May 10, 2007 1:58 pm
Location: Hertfordshire
Gender: Female

Re: How do you get over someone?

Postby snail » Thu May 28, 2009 2:15 pm

Bel Bel's back, hurray! =D>
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

Najwa Zebian
User avatar
snail
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 4347
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2007 8:59 pm
Location: Your guess is as good as mine.
Gender: Female


Return to Mental wellbeing

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests