Seeing My son

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Seeing My son

Postby ILoveChristmas » Mon Jun 08, 2009 8:41 am

Well i've just had a weekend from hell.

My ex-partner and mother of my son has just met someone else. Until now i've gone down to her house every night, read stories, put his pajamas on and tucked him into bed - it was our little time together after a hard days work. Now that it's no longer convenient for me to be around i've been told I have to stop coming round and that I can see him for a couple of hours on a Tuesday and he can stay with me on Saturday night.

Maybe to some people that's a lot, but to me it's devastating. What makes it worse is that she refuses to tell Adam why i've stopped coming round, so Adam is simply going to think I don't want to anymore.

Adam needs me, so i'd never actually do anything to harm myself, but I sometimes think it would be so convenient if I was hit by a train.
Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive. - Stephen Fry.

The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. — Steve Furtick
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Re: Seeing My son

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Jun 08, 2009 8:50 am

Firstly I can see how you are devastated! Is there no way you can set up some legal agreement? Can't you arrange to have him come around everynight for his tea and take him back home for bed? I know it's not ideal but it's something at least?
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Re: Seeing My son

Postby ILoveChristmas » Mon Jun 08, 2009 8:55 am

If she lets me see him twice a week she's already giving me more than my legal entitlement.

For the past 2 years i've gone round every night, read him stories and put him to bed. His mum doesn't work so she has him all day every day and by night time she was always quite glad of the chance to relax. She's doing this purely to hurt me unfortunately.

There is no reason why I could take Adam for an hour or two every night, or even play with him in his room, but she won't have it. She'll be as stubborn as a mule and won't care about hurting anyone. She's always been that way, it's just that she's never used my access to Adam as leverage before.
Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive. - Stephen Fry.

The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. — Steve Furtick
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Re: Seeing My son

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Jun 08, 2009 9:00 am

It seems like your ex's new bit stuff doesn't like the fact she has you hanging around; it's perfectly understandable on his part...however you think he'd be glad that you would take your son to give them some time together.

ILoveChristmas wrote:There is no reason why I could take Adam for an hour or two every night, or even play with him in his room, but she won't have it.


Maybe when you next see him when he is in front of his mam, you could say quite loudly and obvioulsy that would Adam like to go around yours tomorrow night for his tea - if he says yes then you'll have to see if his mam says anything. If she's going to play dirty, you need to as well. Make sure next time you see Adam that you tell him why you aren't going around as much; maybe phone him? - I know he's really young and it probably isn't ideal but at least it's still some contact.
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Re: Seeing My son

Postby ILoveChristmas » Mon Jun 08, 2009 9:13 am

dipsydoodlenoodle wrote:Make sure next time you see Adam that you tell him why you aren't going around as much; maybe phone him?


Yes I thought i'd start to phone him every day when I get into the office, that way at least I get to speak to him and he'll know that i'm thinking about him. I'll be able to tell him how much a love him and things.

I wish she would just see that it's Adam who's losing out over this. She thinks she's punishing me, which on the surface she is, but it's Adam who's losing out really.
Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive. - Stephen Fry.

The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. — Steve Furtick
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Re: Seeing My son

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Jun 08, 2009 9:44 am

I know phoning him is no where as good as seeing him, but it means you are still in contact with him and he knows you are there and still love him then it's the next best thing.

ILoveChristmas wrote:I wish she would just see that it's Adam who's losing out over this. She thinks she's punishing me, which on the surface she is, but it's Adam who's losing out really.


This is very true. It's not like you had a massive break up and you upset her - you've been broken up a while and you've still been seeing Adam most nights; it's just out of the blue; although I do think it is down to the fact she's met someone new.
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Re: Seeing My son

Postby bellajennie » Mon Jun 08, 2009 9:55 am

Is there any way you can apply for joint custody? It is quite common nowadays with two working parents to split time with each directly in half.
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Re: Seeing My son

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Jun 08, 2009 10:01 am

bellajennie wrote:Is there any way you can apply for joint custody? It is quite common nowadays with two working parents to split time with each directly in half.


He said his ex wasn't working...I don't know if it makes any difference for joint custody.
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Re: Seeing My son

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Jun 08, 2009 10:14 am

and you can tell your son when you see him it's not that you don't want to but mum and you have come to a new arrangement and he gets to stay overnight withyou every week. Make it sound like he isn't going to lose anything
if your ex has a new guy she may be gald to have you take adam some additional night
Put it to her so it sounds like your doing her a favour "would you like me to have adam stay over on a wednesday so you can have some time with your man" she may well go for it I actually would try not to play dirty as she holds all the cards and atagonising her could put you in a worse position
It sounds like it could well be to do with the new man not liking you around so if you offer her solutions that don't involve you being around then it might help i.e picking him up from school or mum in laws house etc
I hope you get things sorted because you sound like an amazing dad and that is really refreshing
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Re: Seeing My son

Postby crumpetsandtea » Mon Jun 08, 2009 12:21 pm

My Mum and Dad had quite a bad split and haven't spoken since. To the credit of my Mum, despite how much she hates my Dad, she never put any obstacles in the way of him seeing me or my brother, the only thing that made it awkward is that she wouldn't let him into our house, so we always had to go to his house. (which I suppose I could understand)

I would be wary of playing any dirty tricks or stooping to her level. Children understand more than you think, and they are very much aware of bad atmosphere or disagreements and they do find it upsetting. Also I think Bel Bel is right, you don't want to start winding her up, in case she becomes more stubborn. I would just be firm but fair.

As stubborn and cruel as she appears, she does have a heart (somewhere!) I would maybe suggest writing her a letter and letting her stew on it.

Maybe say something like;

I understand that its not convenient for me to be around in the evenings anymore, but in our previous arrangement I have got into a routine with Adam, and I am missing him terribly and am finding it very difficult not seeing him as much as I used to.
I would really appreciate it if I could have him for an extra night during the week (or whatever you want to get from her) so that I can spend more time with my son.

With regards to your son, you sound like a fantastic dad :) and I don't think you need to worry about him thinking you don't want to be there, because you clearly love him very much. Keep reassuring him that you love him and always look forward to seeing him and it might be hard for him at first but he will understand, as long as you keep that reassurance, keep your promises and stay consistent, and he will see this as simply a change in routine, not you or his mother filtering him out of your life.

I can understand why she doesn't want you round every night. She does have the right to move on, and having you there every evening would make it awkward for her and her new partner. Compared to some mothers, she has been very generous with the access she allows you to have with your son, and this is probably how she sees it too. Equally though, she should be grateful that you are so devoted to your son, as there are a lot of fathers out there that don't bother to see or support their children.
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Re: Seeing My son

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Jun 08, 2009 12:27 pm

i like the letter idea
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Re: Seeing My son

Postby whoopsie » Tue Jun 09, 2009 6:40 am

Before my boyfriends daughter lived with us, he called her every night before her bed time to ask about her day and say goodnight. Maybe, in the meantime, you could do this?

I like the idea of a letter too. Have you already been through a custody 'battle'? You could also offer, as I think BelBel suggested, to have him stay an extra night. Maybe a Friday, to completely free up her weekend. I'm sure that's something most people miss when they become parents. Hopefully she will compromise and you can come up with a routine that suits you all. That's what your son needs.
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