Update: what to do.

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Update: what to do.

Postby littlebee » Fri Jul 03, 2009 3:28 pm

I posted "What to do..." last month, it was about my depression, or what I thought was depression, and now I'm here to update.
I finally got the courage to go to the doctors and he gave me a questionnaire to fill out and forwarded me to a councellor, I haven't yet heard back about the councellor but I was told I would receive a letter by post (I don't know how long it usually takes). It's been about 2 weeks since I went to the doctors and afterwards I felt quite good like I'd accomplished the hardest part of getting better.
I had an interview for a training programme to become a Nurse and I went in, and as I do have agoraphobia and social anxiety that was quite a big achievement for me, and I answered all the questions. I went back to the car and told my mam the questions and the answers I gave and she said they were perfect answers so I had high hopes and made plans around that.
Earlier this week everything turned around again. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like I'm getting a mental illness, I know some people say "crazy people don't know they're crazy" but I know that isn't true. I can feel myself changing, it's like I have my mind where I think and then there's this whole other part of my mind thats trying to control my thoughts. The random flashbacks from my past have gotten worse and now when I close my eyes I just see horrible things, like last night I was lying in bed and when I closed my eyes I saw this man about 40 and he went into a lake and took a child, that was it, nothing else, but then uncontrollable thoughts went through my head as if the part of my mind that isn't me wanted me to think that that man was going to hurt that child and then I got all angry and upset because I couldn't help her, but I know it's just a thought, I just can't help it. Also, at night it's the worst, but I feel like I change, like during the day I'm more in control than at night, my mind shows me myself doing things and then I decide whether to do it or not, but sometimes I just do it whilst its in my head like I can't control it. It's hard to explain, but I hope you're understanding slightly.
Two nights ago I told my best friend that I want to die and this morning I started to regret saying it because I thought; "no, im not letting this beat me". Then about half an hour ago I got a phonecall telling me that I didn't get a place on the Nursing programme. I had to try so hard not to cry whilst she told me what I done wrong, and the horrible thing is that it's something I can't control and change, it was my nerves and shyness, but I have social anxiety and I'm always nervous in unfamiliar places, I'm agoraphobic, it isn't something I can help. So I'm crying and I'd like to say I'm not suicidal, but I don't think I can say that anymore because I don't want to be alive anymore, I'm not strong enough to face it.
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Re: Update: what to do.

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Jul 03, 2009 3:51 pm

go back to the doctors or ring and ask how long until you will get a letter
or ask for the persons number so you can chase whats happening
you will be ok but you need to start seeing someone to help you sort through this
you have done really weel, don't get disheartened becasue you didn't get the nursing thing be proud you went and did so well given your circumstances
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

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Re: Update: what to do.

Postby spacegirl » Fri Jul 03, 2009 4:09 pm

i agree with bel bel, ring up and ask how long roughly it will take to process your paperwork, at least then you'll know how things are progressing and it won't be an empty vague. i'm sorry things didn't work out with your nursing course, but try again. the first time you do interviews or exams it's often nerves that get you down, and if you say you already suffer from anxiety then it could have been a factor. you've already proved you're strong enough to stand up against your fears once, you can do it again. once you get what you want it will be a huge triumph for you. but everyone goes through this kind of thing at least once in their life re jobs, uni etc. don't take it to heart.
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Re: Update: what to do.

Postby snail » Fri Jul 03, 2009 9:20 pm

littlebee wrote:I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like I'm getting a mental illness . . . I can feel myself changing, it's like I have my mind where I think and then there's this whole other part of my mind thats trying to control my thoughts. The random flashbacks from my past have gotten worse and now when I close my eyes I just see horrible things . . . Also, at night it's the worst, but I feel like I change, like during the day I'm more in control than at night, my mind shows me myself doing things and then I decide whether to do it or not, but sometimes I just do it whilst its in my head like I can't control it. It's hard to explain, but I hope you're understanding slightly.


Although these things feel strange and utterly terrifying, they are in fact the normal symptoms of severe stress and anxiety. Take it from someone who's been there! I understand completely. Try not to worry too much about what your mind does: it's frightened, depressed, and exhausted, and it won't make much sense.

I think, as the others have said, you need to chase up your treatment. If you feel suicidal, go back to the doctor, or in a pinch just walk into your local Accident and Emergency department, and say that you are considering suicide. It's not that unusual at all, and you will get emergency help.

littlebee wrote:Earlier this week everything turned around again


That's also normal. You will have good days, then other days when you feel like you're back at the beginning. But your overall trend will be to get better. Just hang on in there.
How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.

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Re: Update: what to do.

Postby littlebee » Thu Jul 09, 2009 12:20 am

I got my letter in the post and I've made an appointment with the councellor for 24th july. I feel more calm because I can ease my mind as I know I'm going to get everything off my chest, but it just seems like that's so far away and I can't sleep or anything with all these things on my mind.

I also made the mistake of telling my mother about everything. I love my mam, she always tries to help me and she can relate to things but she's my mam and there's certain things that are bothering me that nobody would want their mother to know. When I got my letter she read it and she said "do you really want to be classified as having a mental illness?" because thats what the leaflet said. I know she worries because she doesn't want me to get put on pills and she has a friend who went into depression and 10 years later isn't out of it, and she doesn't want me to become reliant on councelling, but I think she has to understand that some people aren't as strong as her and have to rely on someone else to help them.

I don't know.
I'll update after my first councelling session.

As of now, my mental state is still confusing and going downhill but I'm much more relaxed about it so I feel that things are looking up.

Thank you for all the help.
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Re: Update: what to do.

Postby snail » Thu Jul 09, 2009 10:03 am

You won't be classified as having a mental illness. You don't have a mental illness - stress, anxiety and depression don't make you mentally ill in the way she means. And even if you were classified as once having had a mental illness, surely that's better than suffering and actually being ill and not seeking help! Honestly, your mum should be beaten about the head with a wet fish for making such a stupid and unhelpful remark, and you can tell her that from me :lol: And it's nothing to do with you not being as 'strong' as her either - you might suffer more because you have been through more, or because you just feel more deeply than she does. You never have to justify why you are unhappy like this, and it's nothing to do with being weak.

You won't become reliant on counselling: counselling teaches you to look after yourself, that's what it's about. So don't worry.
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Re: Update: what to do.

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Jul 09, 2009 10:15 am

DITTO what snail says although I don't want to hit your mum with a wet fish :lol:
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Re: Update: what to do.

Postby littlebee » Sun Jul 26, 2009 4:38 am

Honestly, your mum should be beaten about the head with a wet fish for making such a stupid and unhelpful remark, and you can tell her that from me :lol:

Haha, that made me laugh :D if i told her that she'd be like "whaaaaat" and probably hit me with a wet fish, so i think i'll pass.

I'm actually feeling a lot better than i did a few weeks ago. Haven't had my councelling session yet though because the councellor rescheduled for 29th, I'm looking forward to it though. Just to get things off my chest really and try and get my past and present in order; make sense of some things. My mam's actually helped me a lot lately, she comes in from work and asks me about my day and how I'm feeling; it's nice to know that she realises that the little things can make massive differences. She also gave me a little post-it note with something written on, it said; "Some days are tough, I'm always here for you". That made me smile, and I put it on my wall just to remind me, and when she saw it there she smiled too.

It's been good so far but a few problems are still there, the confusion and things, and also some new problems; I just know how to handle them better now. Hopefully councelling will help me put things into perspective and help me improve my way of life through talking and not taking pills.

:) Thank you so much for all the help you've given me, it made a real difference and was greatly appreciated. I only hope I can help atleast one of you with one of your problems some day. Although, I do hope you never have any problems and life is lovely for all of you.

Bee xxx. <3
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Re: Update: what to do.

Postby snail » Sun Jul 26, 2009 6:20 pm

littlebee wrote:She also gave me a little post-it note with something written on, it said; "Some days are tough, I'm always here for you". That made me smile, and I put it on my wall just to remind me, and when she saw it there she smiled too.


Aw, that's lovely. Hold back on the wet fish for the time being then :wink:
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Re: Update: what to do.

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Jul 27, 2009 9:38 am

Your last post sounds so positive and up beat. I'm glad that your mam is asking about you, maybe let her know how much you appreciate such a 'simple' question and that it makes you feel so much better when she asks.

Make sure you keep posting updates for us. It would be lovely is you stuck around to help with other problems too, if you can't help with problems make sure to join in to the general chat and discussions in "general chat".

Glad you are feeling so much better :).
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