How do I stop taking things personally?

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Re: How do I stop taking things personally?

Postby Skarlet » Thu Sep 03, 2009 1:00 pm

You may think that you are confident, but others might not be reading that from you, and then its turning into a vicious circle. You need to act more confidently, and speak more so... so that people take notice of when you do say things. That doesn't mean shouting or being over the top.
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Re: How do I stop taking things personally?

Postby sazzled » Thu Sep 03, 2009 1:38 pm

Skarlet wrote:You may think that you are confident, but others might not be reading that from you, and then its turning into a vicious circle. You need to act more confidently, and speak more so... so that people take notice of when you do say things. That doesn't mean shouting or being over the top.


I don't know what to do. I'm careful of my body language, I'm polite, well mannered and I have a laugh and joke. I try to speak as clearly as possible. I smile. What else is there to do? ](*,)
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Re: How do I stop taking things personally?

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Sep 03, 2009 2:24 pm

but you do say your are shy so mybe you think you are being outspoken and clear enough but maybe you are being quite and are obvioculy not confident. It's really hard to say without seeing you.
IS there no one you can ask about this? Perhaps one of your parents or a really good friend. Tell them you need them to be brutally honest so you can help yourself
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Re: How do I stop taking things personally?

Postby sazzled » Thu Sep 03, 2009 8:44 pm

Bel Bel wrote:but you do say your are shy so mybe you think you are being outspoken and clear enough but maybe you are being quite and are obvioculy not confident. It's really hard to say without seeing you.
IS there no one you can ask about this? Perhaps one of your parents or a really good friend. Tell them you need them to be brutally honest so you can help yourself


I am shy but I've tried so hard to not show it and it feels like people don't take me seriously. I can't speak to anyone near me about it which is why I'm on here. They just don't listen. My dad just says the same thing over again which I've heard many times and I've asked him to stop but he just goes on and on. No one listens.
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Re: How do I stop taking things personally?

Postby Richard » Sat Sep 05, 2009 11:26 pm

sazzled wrote:I don't think I'd have problems with my self esteem if I was actually listened to. Every time someone doesn't listen, or repeats what I've just said - I'll always mention it, but it gets ignored anyway. I don't know what else to do.


I really sympathise with how you feel, but you've got it the wrong way round. People don't listen to you because you are unconsciously (without realising it) sending out 'signals' that say "Don't listen to me." They won't start listening to you until you stop sending out these signals. Although I can understand that you feel that everyone else is to blame, the problem lies inside you. I know that's a very tough message to hear. I'd recommend seeing a good therapist and working on empowering yourself. Good luck!
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Re: How do I stop taking things personally?

Postby sazzled » Tue Sep 08, 2009 8:10 pm

Richard wrote:
sazzled wrote:I don't think I'd have problems with my self esteem if I was actually listened to. Every time someone doesn't listen, or repeats what I've just said - I'll always mention it, but it gets ignored anyway. I don't know what else to do.


I really sympathise with how you feel, but you've got it the wrong way round. People don't listen to you because you are unconsciously (without realising it) sending out 'signals' that say "Don't listen to me." They won't start listening to you until you stop sending out these signals. Although I can understand that you feel that everyone else is to blame, the problem lies inside you. I know that's a very tough message to hear. I'd recommend seeing a good therapist and working on empowering yourself. Good luck!


How can I send out signals saying, "Don't listen to me" when I want the opposite? A good therapist costs money, money that I don't have because I'm unemployed. No one will employ me either, I've had 13 interviews, been close in a couple but they've been so stupidly picky, I don't stand a chance!
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Re: How do I stop taking things personally?

Postby Skarlet » Tue Sep 08, 2009 8:18 pm

Sazzled what you have got to remember, is you do stand a chance, but there are a awful lot of people applying for every job out there. You obviously have something that makes you worth interviewing. You just have to make sure you shine when you do get in there. Although obviously you want to be heard, if you don't believe in yourself, and don't feel what you are saying is going to be heard, then it won't.

Act confident, find someone who you would like to be like, and emulate them. I know you don't want to be loud, but you don't have to be.
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Re: How do I stop taking things personally?

Postby peecee » Tue Sep 08, 2009 8:20 pm

Sweet pea, a therapist isn't the only person who can help you with your self-confidence - your friends, PPers and you yourself can help you! :)

Start by reading Dipsy's thread about self-confidence.
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Re: How do I stop taking things personally?

Postby sazzled » Tue Sep 08, 2009 10:09 pm

peecee wrote:Sweet pea, a therapist isn't the only person who can help you with your self-confidence - your friends, PPers and you yourself can help you! :)

Start by reading Dipsy's thread about self-confidence.


The whole point of this topic was that people don't listen to me, so how can I get my friends (which I don't have alot of anyway, and those who do have their own lives) to help me if they don't listen?
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Re: How do I stop taking things personally?

Postby captainf » Wed Sep 09, 2009 1:59 am

Hey,

I havent read all the replies here, im replying to the original post in the topic.

Regarding to the people who have annoyed you - dont bother letting it get to you. Just change your thinking towards certain situations abit. For example if they have said things that have upset you just sit back, dont take any notice, afterall anyone whos out to hurt you really isnt worth your time - always remember that. In the past i've had people say bad stuff about me and what i've done is just been totally relaxed about it so whenever people asked me if something was true my reply would be 'Nope, they've made it up for some reason and if you choose to believe them then its up to you but i've got nothing to hide'

With regards to getting people to listen to you, when you're putting accross an idea have you tried putting it accross as a question? Sort of like 'How about we....?' That way they have to give a response. Theres nothing wrong with being shy, you can be shy and still get your point accross. Although do you think that you should work on assertiveness abit? I did notice after reading one of your longer replies to this topic that you stated your relatives often speak for you and I understand how annoying that is. My nan used to do that for me but eventually I told her I didnt like it (we did argue about it abit because she is slightly controlling at times) eventually she got the picture that I wanted to speak for myself. Showing a little bit of assertiveness can help. Infact a few years ago when I went to counselling my counsellor helped me with my assertiveness. Dont worry, you dont need to go to therapy or counselling however heres a few links that may help regarding to assertiveness.. (have a read through, they may, or may not help you but its worth a look)

http://www.plymouth.ac.uk/pages/view.asp?page=16445

http://stress.about.com/od/relationship ... sertiv.htm

http://www.businessballs.com/self-confi ... veness.htm

I think your assertiveness will be key when it comes to getting a job and to other people in your life listening to you. I was much the same as you, no one listened to me, the only times I really made decisions and made myself heard was when I was piloting aeroplanes accross the sky. Nowadays though I have much better assertiveness on the ground and in the air and thats because of the advice and help I recieved.

I can see that you're getting quite frustrated in this topic and I hope that my advice is of help, but if it isnt then please let me know and i'll offer you some other advice instead that maybe of help.

Chin up, it will all come good in the end.
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Re: How do I stop taking things personally?

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Sep 09, 2009 10:37 am

I think captain has offered some good advice but I am afraid I agree with Richard. You are being negative in this post and your other post about work. You obviously do have self esteem issues even if you don't believe you have because despite getting interviews (which alot of poepl aren't even qetting to that stage) you are qucik to give in and say that you don't stand a chance.
I think you have to accept you are the comon denomiator in the problem and therefore the problem must lie with you
Until you can accept that I don't think you will get past this problem
Sorry if that is harsh but I think it is the truth
Last edited by Bel Bel on Thu Sep 10, 2009 10:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: How do I stop taking things personally?

Postby sazzled » Wed Sep 09, 2009 1:01 pm

Captain F, you're making sense!
Thanks for the advice. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has had the same problem, so obviously, you know what it's like! It's always better to get advice from those who have been in the same or similar situation and they can tell you from their experiences.
I try my hardest not to let it get to me, problem is I have too much time on my hands and as those who have been made redundant in the past year know that it isn't easy to get a new job at the moment and there's only so much you can do to get a job, and therefore I end up over thinking - which isn't a good thing at times!
I'll just have to try to think of something pleasant instead...like chocolate :wink:

I've never thought of putting it across as a question, I'll keep that in mind next time it happens. I agree, there's nothing wrong with being shy. People who don't understand or know anyone close to them that is shy, often mistake shyness for ignorance. It's not like that at all. I'm not the type of person to have verbal diarrhoea 24/7. Yet, people expect you to talk and talk all the time, and coming from a family of people with verbal diarrohea, it can get really annoying as they just don't know when to shut up and listen for a change!

I've had a few people telling me to be more assertive, but no one actually explains how! I found the second link very helpful, as it gives advice and examples which will come in handy.

You are right, I am getting frustrated! People keep saying "don't be so negative" like they expect you to be happy 24/7. No one can ever be happy 24/7 and we all have our down times but it feels like some people just don't understand.

Thanks for the advice! :grouphug:
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Re: How do I stop taking things personally?

Postby captainf » Wed Sep 09, 2009 10:01 pm

Hey,

I'm glad you found the links helpful, when I read through them I thought that the examples may of been some use to you so im glad you highlighted their usefulness! For the next few weeks its worth applying those examples to your life and seeing how things change around you because of that. You may start to notice that people start listening and noticing you more. Also as you probably noticed in those examples you dont need to be a big talker neither. Sometimes the best way is to be short and sweet! When I was a kid my teachers often picked out that I was too quiet - I was quiet indeed but only because I was more observant than a talker. I'm still relatively like this, I make alot of observations by watching/listening rather than talking lots.

Also let me know how you get on with using questions when putting accross ideas. It would be interesting to see if that, coupled with assertiveness will help turn things around for you.

Also I dont think you're really being negative. You've highlighted some points that were frustrating you and that you wanted to change. The advice you wanted was how to implement those changes in order to make life more bearable. Hopefully i've put you on the right track to make that happen!

I did notice you said that people expect you to be happy 24/7 and also said they dont understand when you are down - do you have any people in your life that you regard as caring, or supportive? Do you have anyone who truely understands you?
Remember how the runway lights looked one night long ago when you were lost and found your way, and how-you still dont know?
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Re: How do I stop taking things personally?

Postby sazzled » Thu Sep 10, 2009 5:57 pm

captainf wrote: do you have any people in your life that you regard as caring, or supportive? Do you have anyone who truely understands you?


I don't think there is anyone that understands me in every way, but there are people who understand me in different aspects. Like how I don't always find it easy talking to random people about anything. Or how I'm shy, or how there are times when I don't say much. I don't think there will ever be someone who truly understands every bit of me, as we're all different.

My boyfriend and close family are caring most of time, except when they don't shut up! I don't know if they understand why I'm quiet though (like what I said above). I'm the quiet one out of the family, whereas they'll all happily chat about themselves 24/7, even my boyfriend. He finds it easy to talk to people, whereas I, at times, get my words muddled up! Being talkative obviously skipped me! I find it annoying, especially when my younger brother just doesn't shut up. He talks and talks and talks about anything and it drives me crazy!
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Re: How do I stop taking things personally?

Postby captainf » Thu Sep 10, 2009 8:01 pm

Its good that you have people in your life who understand you, even if it is different aspects of your life that each one understands. So I guess in that respect you do have a relatively good support network if they are willing to really listen to you.

All I can suggest is that you try telling your family your reasons for not talking much and see how they react to that. If they dont respect you for it then so beit, you dont have to talk for hours to be interesting and liked.
Remember how the runway lights looked one night long ago when you were lost and found your way, and how-you still dont know?
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