I feel so ashamed of my life.

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I feel so ashamed of my life.

Postby JennaXXX » Fri Sep 04, 2009 9:18 am

It was my birthday yesterday and it was the worst one I have ever had.
Started off fine but then my mum started laying into me. She said something like:
*You are 24 now and so running out of time to find Mr Right. You really need to settle down asap as you will only be left on the shelf. I also think that you need to reconsider your career and become a teacher as you will never make any money in your line of work. (I am a creche supervisor).*
I went to bed and just cried for hours.
Why can't she just accept me? I constantly feel like she is trying to mould me into what she wants and I can't do it anymore. I am so tired of constantly feeling ashamed and upset for the person that I naturally am. I don't feel ready to settle down. My parents and grandparents as well as my best friend and her partner met when they were very young. I have sort of gone against the tradition and to be honest, I don't even really want a boyfriend just now. It's just not on my list of priorities. My colleague said that I was the only girl in the world who thinks like that but so be it. I'm just not interested right now in settling down and being committed to someone.
I love my job and the kids and parents all like me as well. I find the under 5's a fascinating age group to work with but my mum constantly makes me feel bad for loving what I do and says that I am watsed and that I will never make any proper money like I would if I was a teacher. Teaching doesn't interest me at all. Yes, I would probably be good at it but I don't like the over 5 age group and I am not interested in education as such.
I have colleagues who accept and support me more then my mother. But then I am worried that when they find out my real age and what my life is like that they will think the same as my mother.

I just feel so down.
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Re: I feel so ashamed of my life.

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Fri Sep 04, 2009 10:06 am

How old are your colleagues? Why should it matter how old you are? you have a job you love, if you love it - stick at it.

JennaXXX wrote: have sort of gone against the tradition and to be honest, I don't even really want a boyfriend just now. It's just not on my list of priorities. My colleague said that I was the only girl in the world who thinks like that but so be it. I'm just not interested right now in settling down and being committed to someone.


That is me too. I do have a bf but I'm not ready to 'settle' and start a family AT ALL. Before I met my bf I didn't really care if I met someone or not. I was happy as I was. All my family met young as well; my parents met late. My bf's family all met young; his sister started going out with her bf when she was 15, she's 20 now with an almost 1 year old son. My bf's mam seems like your mam and seems to encourage them to settle down. My problem is there are lots of things I would like to do; and I need to do these before having a family and settling down. I mean last year me and my bf went to Paris, we booked it in January and went in February - you cannot take a kid with you doing that. How interesting is a city for a kid? I'd like to enjoy a few more nice holidays before I settle down, because once I do I won't be able to afford holidays or nice things. My parents also agree with me; they want me to do and experience things I can do now, rather than settling down and then being upset because I never got to do these things.

Have you explained to your mam that you don't "care" and that you are REALLY happy as you are. Maybe she is just worried about you, but she is going about it all the wrong way.
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Re: I feel so ashamed of my life.

Postby snail » Fri Sep 04, 2009 10:07 am

If your mum really said that then she should be ashamed of herself. And you can tell her that from me! Not only was it not supportive enough, it was also quite frankly rubbish.

A 24-year-old is not by any stretch of the imagination 'running out of time', in fact quite the reverse - someone who's just turned 24 is not usually at the right stage of their life to chose the person they want to settle down with permanently, they haven't had enough experience of themselves, the world, and relationships in general yet. I think the way you feel about relationships sounds fine. It's also quite normal, despite what your colleague said. People say things like this without really thinking about it.

I also think your career sounds like it's doing very well - in these tough economic times, you have a good job, that you love. That's quite impressive at your age really.

My mother is a bit like this with me, but I've come to realise (partly through counselling) that the things she says are all about her, not me. Your mum is really expressing her own insecurities. I don't know what her actual problems are, but with my mum she criticises me because she is insecure about herself and her life at a deep level. She needs to believe that she did the right thing with her life, and when she sees her daughter making different choices, she finds it deeply troubling. It makes her feel scared and uncertain, and opens up the possibility that she might have to face the fact that her own life and the choices she made and the values she held were wrong. If she can force me to be just like her, that will validate her life, and help her stop thinking that another life was possible, and she needs that desperately.

You could say your mum only wants what's best for you, but I actually think that's not what's behind this in this case. If she wanted what's best for you, she'd want you to be happy in your job and your relationship status, and it sounds like you already are.

I would ignore it as much as you can, although I know that's very hard to do. Or you could just try saying "I don't agree" and leave it at that - it may be useful for you psychologically to draw that line by saying something. But I doubt there's much point actually arguing the case with your mum, she will always have something else she can say.
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Re: I feel so ashamed of my life.

Postby LME79 » Fri Sep 04, 2009 10:16 am

JennaXXX wrote:It was my birthday yesterday and it was the worst one I have ever had.
Started off fine but then my mum started laying into me. She said something like:
*You are 24 now and so running out of time to find Mr Right. You really need to settle down asap as you will only be left on the shelf. I also think that you need to reconsider your career and become a teacher as you will never make any money in your line of work. (I am a creche supervisor).*
I went to bed and just cried for hours.


I'm sorry that your mum felt she had so say this - my mum used to do similar things when I was younger but I'll go into it in a minute, I'm going to try to answer point by point.

Why can't she just accept me? I constantly feel like she is trying to mould me into what she wants and I can't do it anymore. I am so tired of constantly feeling ashamed and upset for the person that I naturally am. I don't feel ready to settle down. My parents and grandparents as well as my best friend and her partner met when they were very young. I have sort of gone against the tradition and to be honest, I don't even really want a boyfriend just now. It's just not on my list of priorities. My colleague said that I was the only girl in the world who thinks like that but so be it. I'm just not interested right now in settling down and being committed to someone.


24 is still very young and if you don't want a boyfriend, then good for you. You know what you want and you aren't like loads of my single friends who want a boyfriend for the sake of it. Keep onto that attitude because it's great and shows strength of character. Although your parents and grandparents met very young, that's not the norm nowadays - I definitely don't see it as tradition these days to meet someone so young and get married right away. You're perfectly normal, in my opinion.

I love my job and the kids and parents all like me as well. I find the under 5's a fascinating age group to work with but my mum constantly makes me feel bad for loving what I do and says that I am watsed and that I will never make any proper money like I would if I was a teacher. Teaching doesn't interest me at all. Yes, I would probably be good at it but I don't like the over 5 age group and I am not interested in education as such.


Keep on loving your job. There are far too many people out there that are stuck in jobs that they hate. I work in Marketing & Comms and it took me absolutely ages to get into the industry, well over three years after graduating. My mum used to actually tell me to give up and, funnily enough, look into teaching. Like you, I was never interested in teaching and knew I wouldn't be very good as my heart wouldn't be in it. I absolutely love my sector and wouldn't change it for the world. My mother has never admitted that she was wrong and I don't think she ever will. But the important thing that I have learned is that happiness comes from within - not from mother's approval. If I did everything my mum wanted me to then I would be unhappy. Very unhappy. I completely understand how you mum must make you feel because mine was exactly the same - the only thing you can do is rise above it. Think to yourself "I'm happy, I'm doing what I want to do and it's all because of me, no-one else". That really does say so much about you as a person, trust me.

I have colleagues who accept and support me more then my mother. But then I am worried that when they find out my real age and what my life is like that they will think the same as my mother.

I just feel so down.


Ok, if I'm being honest, the age thing really isn't a big deal - I think possibly because of your family's attitude towards you you've developed a slight paranoia that everyone thinks negatively of you when that definitely won't be the case. Instead of being scared that your colleagues won't respect you because of your age, just bite the bullet and tell them your real age - you'll be surprised by their reaction. I doubt they'll even care, seriously.

Just to finish off, now that I'm older, I realise that in her own somewhat warped way, my mum was only trying to help me and wanted the best for me - because it took me ages to get into the sector I wanted to be in, she thought she was trying to protect me from constant disappointment and so told me to get my PGCE (which I point blank refused). I suspect your mother is doing a similar thing.

Keep doing what you're doing but please try not to be so bothered about what others think - to reiterate, your happiness will come from you, not the approval of others.
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Re: I feel so ashamed of my life.

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Fri Sep 04, 2009 10:25 am

Just something LME stated...I wanted to do Engineering, my dad always advised me against it, I did a BSc in Physics (spent 3 years doing it) quaified and thought what now? I did a MSc in Engineering and I have a good job, well paid in engineering. My dad said "I was wrong but I thought engineering would be what I do, sitting by a machine in a factory". Sometimes parents just don't understand how things have changed since their "time" lol. Job terms have changed, what used to be good jobs now can be bad and vice versa.
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Re: I feel so ashamed of my life.

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Sep 04, 2009 11:45 am

Happy birthday for yesterday jenna
Here is a virtual cake (with lots of little uns on :lol: ) to cheer you up - sorry it's late
http://www.makemeacake.co.uk/images/peppa_pig_cake.jpg
I agree with others regards you not be over the hill and sanil and lme give very good advice
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Re: I feel so ashamed of my life.

Postby captainf » Fri Sep 04, 2009 3:56 pm

Try sitting down with your mother and tell her that you are happy with what you do. Explain that being a teacher wouldnt make you happy and its not something you would enjoy doing. Let her know that although you may not be earning mountains of money you are very happy with what you are doing and its very fulfilling. Its hard to know if your mum is looking out for you or being a general snob. Whatever it is you have to do exactly what you want to do.

As for Mr Right. Do not worry about this, ive said it in numerous topics, to numerous people, its not important to have a partner but it is important to be with the right one when you do have a boyfriend. Take your time with making the decision on who you want to go out with and when. If you dont like anyone now then thats fine, one day you will fall for someone and that will be lovely.

Finally, happy birthday. I'm sorry it wasnt a very good one, but I hope the advice you recieved here has cheered you up.
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Re: I feel so ashamed of my life.

Postby retrochav » Sat Sep 05, 2009 12:42 pm

I am sorry to hear that your friends and family have such limited expectations for you.

Your job is very valid and there is more to life than merely earning lots of money, or having a man by your side. You could try telling your mum that its better to wait for Mr Right than simply take Mr Right Now. Some of us are lucky enough to find Mr Right when we are young, most of us are still searching into old age!

The job you have will give you an excellant foundation to be a wife and mother later on - if thats what YOU want. Until then, enjoy the things you are doing and dont let anyone pressurise you into any other path. We only get one stab at life.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Re: I feel so ashamed of my life.

Postby everloney » Tue Sep 08, 2009 5:54 pm

Don't be, I'm 25 and get the same grief from my mum. Although she trys to not act like that, but i think because i can see right through her its worse. She wants me to settle down and start a family, I would totally love to do it too but not with any tom, dick or harry.... hehe. Its worse at the moment as my cousin is having a baby and my mum has bought and knitted loads for her..... shes really excited so i think she would love it if i had a baby.

I think its great that you're happy single, this means you are in no rush and you will find mr right when the time is right :). Its also great that you are doing something you love, its sooo important to love what you do. I think your mum prob just wants you to be happy, so try telling her that the next time she brings up this stuff.
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Re: I feel so ashamed of my life.

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Sep 14, 2009 11:25 am

You know in regards to settling down, I think my mam especially would do anything possible to get me to not settle down. At the end of the day you have to ignore these things and do what you want to do.
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