The search for happiness......

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The search for happiness......

Postby everloney » Wed Sep 09, 2009 7:35 pm

Has anyone found it? if so what is it that makes you happy?

I have been up and down for all of my life. The last 5 years have been really tough, i did my PhD and now have moved to california for my job. I feel down and cry alot. I just want to be happy and i'm not sure how to go about fixing myself. I think i have been looking for a place or person to fix my unhappiness. I keep running to new places, but the problems just come with me, even over the ocean :). I think on some level i have been waiting for a boyfriend to make me happy. So every time i get into a relationship, there is alot riding on it and i may put pressure on the men (i don't think i do, but its prob sub-conscious). Then when it doesn't work out it all comes crashing down around me and i get depressed over it for months, then move on to the next, am happy for a week or two, until they leave and again the depression. People shouldn't be able i affect my moods this much. I think i need to make myself happy, but i don't know how. When i see my friends happy in relationships i get jeloius and i feel like a terrible person for feeling like this. I am also alittle over weight and worry thats why no1 wants me... I just think if i can make myself happy take this crasy pressure off myself i may one day find a good man but at this rate, its going to be a bad man who hurts me or no man. I feel like im wasting my life worrying over this stuff.... i don't want to anymore. What can i do? does anyone else feel like this?
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Re: The search for happiness......

Postby captainf » Wed Sep 09, 2009 10:15 pm

I reiterate what I said to you before, just relax and try enjoy being in a new country. Do things like go and relax on the beach, sunbathe etc Live the dream that so many others would want to live. You should be out there taking photos of California to show your friends and family who may never see the place. Its important to enjoy the experience.

Also while you are single you are free to do as you wish. You can go wherever you want to, with whoever you want to. You can try new hobbies and interests. I dont think you are the problem. I think that the problem is that you so badly want the right person that you are happy to settle for someone who shows interest and thats why it doesnt always work out. As I said previously, just get to know someone over a longer period of time. Even if its a year or so, atleast you know them better then. You may find that you click with someone relatively quickly and if that happens its possible you may work out. You dont know how or where you're gonna find the one, no one does, everyones story is different, but when you are picking partners do it abit more judiciously. You may find that in time you may fall for a friend that you've known all your life, and you guys maybe at a similar point in life, get together and work out. Alternatively things maybe different, you might meet someone in the USA, online, or in the UK etc The possibilities are endless but the important thing is to relax and remember that you will have a beautiful relationship one day but its not going to be with just anyone.

Regarding your weight, if you're not happy with it, why not try going for a jog each day? That way if you miss the gym its not a problem because you're compensating with another form of exersize and also jogging is a good way to relieve stress too.
Remember how the runway lights looked one night long ago when you were lost and found your way, and how-you still dont know?
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Re: The search for happiness......

Postby RagDoll » Thu Sep 10, 2009 9:44 am

Everyloney, I think the key is to be happy in yourself. I know it sounds like such a cliche, but when you are happy in yourself, you're much more likely to find a decent guy and a good, healthy relationship.

The thing is no one can 'fix you', and you can't escape yourself by moving to another locality. I have felt a little bit like you in the past, when one of my exs and I broke up. I'd spent so much time with him that I didn't have a lot of friends left and the ones I did have were in relationships, so there was a massive hole in my life when we broke up. I tried my best to use that time to find happiness within myself though, enjoy my own company, enjoy the company of my friends again and make some new friends. I also deliberately stayed single for a while, as I wanted to prove to myself that I COULD be on my own and happy. Plus, I used that time to reflect on what I was really looking for in a partner and to recognise my flaws and mistakes with the hope of not falling into the same pattern with subsequent relationships.

It was actually quite hard to stay positive at times, but I am really glad I stayed single for about a year before getting into my current relationship, as I think I have benefited from it and know that I have the strength and confidence to be on my own, if my current relationship were to crumble.

I would also like to point out that although you may feel jealous of your friends relationships at times, that jealousy may well be mis-placed. No matter how happy they seem, their relationship/life might not be as good and straight-forward as it looks from the outside. There are advantages to being in a relationship (a fulfilling and loving one anyway) but as Captain has alluded to, there are also advantages of being single. You can please yourself and not have to think of anyone else.

I very much doubt that being a tad over-weight (if you are) is putting anyone off you. I think, if anything, what will put guys off is your lack of confidence/happiness in yourself. If it is really bothering you though, the only option is to eat a bit more sensibly/do a bit more exercise. I know that's much easier said than done though!

Lastly, if you really are down all the time and have been like that for some time, without any highs, it might be worth seeking help from a doctor/counsellor?
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Re: The search for happiness......

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Sep 10, 2009 10:44 am

I agree with both captain and ragdoll
Learn to be happy with yourself and the rest will follow naturally
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

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Re: The search for happiness......

Postby everloney » Thu Sep 10, 2009 4:18 pm

I agree guys and thanks for your replies, i just don't know how to do it.... how do i be ok alone. When im with people im so happy, i went shopping last night with a friend who lives on campus and i was skipping around the shop. I think its harder because im in CA but i feel i'm learning alot about myself being here. I don't have many friends here and i really want to learn to enjoy my own company. I think im going to choose to stay single till xmas atleast. Any tips on enjoying my own company? I'm thinking im going to get the bus to the beach on saturday, its a long trip without a car but i think it will be worth it. I'm going to go somewhere i havnt been yet in CA, i think it should be fun and hopefully will be a step in the right direction for enjoying my own company. I think ill prob be alone friday and saturday night too, so im trying to think of things i can do. I'm thinking the gym, and prob takeaway and a film or two. I wish i had a car and i would go to the cinema, maybe ill check the bus times for friday or saturday night.... i don't know guys, im just sooo down and i think im depressed. I don't really cook anymore, not even simple things. I just eat sandwiches and ready meals... i'm not sleeping, so im tired all the time. I feel so stressed. My friend said last night, you may be depressed due to moving countries.... I just don't want to waste my experiences here but feel so trapped and alone.
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Re: The search for happiness......

Postby captainf » Thu Sep 10, 2009 8:57 pm

I've already said a fair bit when I replied to a PM you sent me earlier so I wont add much here, however I do have to say that you are thinking in the right direction regarding to different things to do - the beach, cinema etc See what America has to offer.
Regarding to eating - try to get back into the habit of cooking healthy things again. That may also help you feel better about yourself.
Will counselling help you?
Remember how the runway lights looked one night long ago when you were lost and found your way, and how-you still dont know?
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Re: The search for happiness......

Postby Tarantula » Thu Sep 10, 2009 9:04 pm

Life is very long when you're lonely, isn't it? I relate to most of what you've said, particularly (though I loathe to admit it) the part regarding men. But the thing is, if you hope for a guy to come along and solve your problems for you, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Birds of a feather really do flock together, in the sense that the person you are with is a reflection of yourself. That's why, at school, the popular attractive girl always got with the popular attractive guy, and the hormonal Myspace-addicted teenager always got with the other hormonal Myspace-addicted teenager. People who are at a similar level of confidence naturally gravitate towards eachother. So as long as you are not feeling tip-top in yourself... You know what that means.

I agree with choosing to stay single til Xmas, but at the same time, don't beat yourself up if you don't. If a seemingly nice guy comes along and you wanna give it a go with him, fine. But take it easy. Date whoever you want, but I'd avoid getting 'serious' about them for a while - until you really know them and until they've EARNED your trust, as opposed to it being freely given.

I'm actually writing a philosophical essay at the moment that investigates how much of our perception of the world around us is affected/determined by our perception of ourselves. Poor self esteem is the root cause of almost every emotional issue. But you sound like you're on the right tracks with your beach plans and such -

as I understand it, happiness isn't something that requires a search.. As in, the key seems to be, it's already there in your life, waiting to be CLAIMED, not found. It's also small joys on a much tinier scale than what you might expect - like finding an extra beer in the fridge that you forgot you had at the end of a stressful day, for example. Or doing a spontaneous good deed for someone, just because. Just because the sense of altruism makes you like yourself more.

I think first, you have to stop comparing yourself to other people. Not as in YOU personally, but anyone in general who wants to be happy. Don't be jealous of your friends who are in happy relationships; be happy for them if you can. But if you do still feel jealous, then ACCEPT the way you feel. Never beat yourself up for how you feel. You have a right as a human being to feel freely. And it's perfectly understandable why you might feel jealous given your situation.

I'm not gonna just say 'see a counsellor' 'cos they never worked for me really - but I am lately really getting into the self-help section of bookstores! Some may say it's pretentious rubbish, but I think some of the stuff that's been written is really helpful, and by just reading that book you'll feel better for knowing that you're making a positive step. I'd also reccommend something vaguely spiritual, like meditation. I love meditation.

... Also.... Keep your place tidy. Light candles and inscense (if you like). Make your home a sanctuary that you look FORWARD to coming back to. And tell yourself that you are happy. Literally. In the mirror. Everyday. Don't dread the last five minutes of a meeting with friends or whoever, because it means you'll be by yourself again - change your perceptions of being alone to being centred, having your own space and time, being free. And when you have problems, write them down and literally work them out on paper, like an equation.

Where there's a will there's a way! Really!

But whatever you do, do SOMETHING. I know that when you're depressed, it's so hard to find the energy to do anything about it. But as soon as you do something as simple as banish the pile of washing up or laundry, you'll get inspired to do more because you want more of the happy feeling of having made a step in the right direction, and it's a snowball effect from there.

... The only other things I would say is, utterly BAN anything that in some way links your mind to negative feelings or thoughts, in your home and lifestyle. Until you get out of this mental rut, don't listen to any music that's even remotely saddening. Once your place is tidy, fill it with objects of bright colours, and wear bright colours, and oh... I know I keep rattling on about keeping your place clean, but I swear! It's therapeutic! You could make a project out of it, like a life-makeover as it were. Also, plants. I love plants in my home. They just make everything in it seem more glorious.

... Uhhh.... Listen to songs like 'You Gotta Be' by Des'ree or 'Move On Up' by Curtis Mayfield... And do exactly what they say in the song!

As soon as you accept happiness, it will show itself to you, and you'll realise there was never much of a 'search' to begin with. That's what I think.
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Re: The search for happiness......

Postby RagDoll » Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:00 pm

I think Broken Chord has offered very good advice there :)

You might have to learn to enjoy your own company, but I think the things you've mentioned e.g. going to the beach and so forth, sound like a great start. You just need to learn to be self-reliant... do things that you enjoy, be that reading a book/magazine, watching a good film, going for a walk... as Captain has said, explore CA. There must be plenty of places you haven't been to, so go for an adventure!

As we've said before, there are advantages to doing things alone, this is a silly example really, but one thing I much prefer (and love) doing by myself is shopping. Ok, it can be fun with friends, but then you end up wanting to go in different shops, waiting around for ages whilst they try things on and so forth. If you go by yourself, you can do as you please :)

If you want to boost your self-esteem in the short-term, why don't you buy some new clothes, get your hair cut etc? I know they're only trivial things really, but they can give you a bit of a boost sometimes.
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Re: The search for happiness......

Postby everloney » Fri Sep 11, 2009 4:36 pm

Thanks broken cord, that really was great advise. I think im going to save it so i can re-read it as i will forget all the great advise in your post, so will need reminding. I think you are all right i can do things by myself and still enjoy them. I agree ragdoll, shopping alone is much better, when i shop with friends i don't normally buy anything for myself. I think i should go on an adventure! Getting around CA without a car is hard, so im going to make special effort to get a car and make the most of my time here. I think one of my issues is that i think its "sad" to do things alone, but maybe it could be fun? I'm going to try to stop myself comparing myself to others, this is def one of my big pit holes, as i do it with EVERYTHING, like oh shes better at work, hes better at karate. Shes got a bf and hes nice. Shes thinner and prettier. I'm going to try and stop.

As for this weekend im going to vegas with a friend and her friends. She invited me and i wasn't sure, then i thought, why not it will be fun. Thanks guys, your advise was great and i feel better. I'm just going to work on changing the way i view things.
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Re: The search for happiness......

Postby RagDoll » Fri Sep 11, 2009 5:08 pm

Aw I'm glad you've got a nice weekend planned - sounds like lots of fun and I'm glad you didn't pass up that opportunity. You might well make some more friends :)

With regards to comparing yourself to other people, I find myself doing that too sometimes, but I also find it useful to remind myself that other people will no doubt compare themselves to me at times, and wish they had certain parts of my life etc. (I don't mean that in an egotistical way)... I guess it's good to remember that there's always someone less fortunate than yourself and you should think yourself lucky. I am sure you have a lot going for you, so try remember that!
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Re: The search for happiness......

Postby captainf » Fri Sep 11, 2009 8:16 pm

Glad to hear you're sounding more positive.
Its not sad to do things alone and dont go comparing yourself to others. We're all our own person.
Remember how the runway lights looked one night long ago when you were lost and found your way, and how-you still dont know?
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Re: The search for happiness......

Postby snail » Fri Sep 11, 2009 8:29 pm

Going to Vegas for the weekend . . . oh my god . . . . where is the 'jealous as hell' smiley . . .
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Re: The search for happiness......

Postby peecee » Fri Sep 11, 2009 9:34 pm

Not sure...start with this one? :)

http://www.orkut-scrapping.com/img/Smil ... ealous.gif

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Re: The search for happiness......

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Sep 14, 2009 11:23 am

I have a project for you; go out sightseeing, visit all the tourist places and take loads of photos, post them on here and make us all jealous. Do not waste your opportunity, make a point of visiting everything because just think you probably won't go back so make the most out of it.

How was your weekend Vegas trip?
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Re: The search for happiness......

Postby everloney » Mon Sep 14, 2009 8:52 pm

Hey guys i had a great time in vegas. I'm going to make that one of my goals dipsy. I'm having another bad day today, boss and work related. My boss thinks i'm an idiot and gives me monkey projects to work on, or atleast thats how i feel.... He likes me though, so thats something. I'm moving in with him for 10 days on sunday because i have no where to live until the 1st of oct, when im moving in with this guy..... I feel like theres alot of stuff going on in my head and its all abit much for me, i just want to exit the ride that is life at the moment. Have bank and parking ticket drama going on and it made me almost cry this morning. Stress i think... :(
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