How can I deal with this?? (long)

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How can I deal with this?? (long)

Postby Angel_Fairy » Sun Nov 01, 2009 11:45 pm

Right,

In 2004, I started a relationship with a man whist we were both at university. It started off OK, but after 4 weeks we started rowing. These rows ended up in him pushing me over several times. I still had a low esteem from a previous break up 2 months before. I think this is why I put up with it. We would row about tiny things- i hadn't ironed his shirt for example. Then after another 2 or so weeks he started slapping my arms and legs when I did something wrong.

Everything would always be MY fault. If he failed an assignment- my fault -Though obvi i had nothing to do with it!! It was ridiculous, but I stayed with him. The psychological abuse just got worse and worse. His ex claimed he's cheated on me with her- but he made her sounds so crazy- i believed him...stupidly.

He would go out with his mates on nights out, and because of being so demoralised by him I became a recluse. I did all of his assignments for him and he would gloat in front of eveyone if he got more than me, and if he failed he would hurt me.

The rows got worse and worse to a point where he started raping me in my sleep. I would wake up with his hands around my neck (enough to leave bruises sometimes) and swearing at me. I would beg to stop- he didnt... I asked him once why he was doing this to me, his excuse was I stole the covers and he was cold because of me. I would apologise but it didnt make it better.

He would say mean things about me to others which made me more shy and cut off. I started cutting myself because I felt everyone hated me. I would fantasise about killing myself and how easy it could be to be out of this situation.

He would make my life a living hell, which led to migraine attacks and even fainted at work. I was mentally and physically exhausted.

He told our housemates I was hitting him- so I was then called 'a b****'.

Due to 2 close family bereavments I had to return home...and he was not sympathetic. He would moan that he had to buy a black suit specially and that he didn't like my family.

I moved in with his family. I was jobless and searching like crazy. I wouldn't sign on, so my money was running out fast. Due to his gambling habits I had to use my savings to bail him out on several occasions.
Whilst there- I couldnt do ANYTHING right which led to me having a break down. I had noone to talk to as all my family and friends lived 300miles away and I didnt want them to worry.

He would go out with his mates (which actually turned out to be his new gf) and leave me at home as I obvi wasnt trying hard enough to find a job.
It was wrong of me...but i checked his email and he'd stayed in a hotel with this girl whilst I was at home with my family.

I found out I'd got a job- he then dumped me 3 days later- which gave me 1 week to find a new place to live. I was very lucky- and found a place. Now I truly was alone, I had no one.

This gave me a chance to think everything through. I accept it wasn't my fault- only that I stayed with him so long and should never have moved in with him- especially so far from family.

I then found out he'd given me an STI (which now I know he got from his ex when he cheated on me). This means I'd had it for 3 years without knowing. I was advised to take a fertility test- hich I haven't done as I'm too frightened of what I may be told. It has been a dream to start a family when I'm married- but this may never happen- my bf knows this.

To this day I have flash backs and nightmares about him occasionally. I just ignored his messages for months, and still he was in my head. I tried talking to him and he apologised to me (which meant alot to me) but still it didnt work. I've told my bf everything and he's very supportive.

I get very low sometimes where the old feelings come back of self hate, even though now I have no need to be.


How can I get over these feelings?? I can't go to a councellor...I've spoken about it to others, have no feelings towards him at all, yet its still there at the back of my head.

What can I do??????
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Re: How can I deal with this?? (long)

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Nov 02, 2009 10:46 am

Just a couple of things to clarify first please :)

Angel_Fairy wrote:I can't go to a councellor...


Why not?

Also towards the end you mention a bf, I just want to ched this is a new boyfriend and not the ex boyfriend? - just to make sure I have the story right.
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Re: How can I deal with this?? (long)

Postby ennis81 » Mon Nov 02, 2009 11:47 am

Yes, I agree with Dipsy question why can't you go to a counsellor?
You were in an abusive relationship and it can take a long time for your mind and soul to heal after being treated so badly I really think you would benefit from talking to a professional counsellor about your experience, and then trying to move on with your life from there
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Re: How can I deal with this?? (long)

Postby stressball » Tue Nov 03, 2009 10:28 pm

Hey Angel_Fairy,

I've just read your post and felt absolutely overwhelmed by everything you've said, I cannot even begin to imagine what you must have been going through, and there isnt even an end to the torture, it's just now its mentally rather than physically.

I looked at this site, which may be helpful to you: http://www.completecounselingsolutions. ... -trauma%3F.

I think all the advice I can offer at the moment is that whilst it may take a while to recover from the trauma, it is a long process which requires understanding and patience, it sounds like your new boyfriend will make this process run quicker as he sounds very understanding and sympathetic. Just keep focussing on him and all the good things in your life like friends, family and work and you WILL recover and eventually things will get easier, it's just a question of when - when you are ready that is. But by no means think yourself a "failure" in any way, shape or form, as I'm guessing you do think that way. In fact you are the opposite - you've managed to escape the situation but you need to resolve the last of the torture. Everyone goes through some horrible c r a p in their lives, and it sounds like you've had more than your fair share already.

Hope I've helped - I'm here to talk if you need to, as I'm sure we all are.
Stressball x
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Re: How can I deal with this?? (long)

Postby Angel_Fairy » Wed Nov 04, 2009 10:46 pm

Hey, Thank you, Stress Ball- I wil look at the website. xxx

:- In response: I have a new supportive boyfriend (stated at the end), and I cannot go to a councillor as A I cant afford it, B because I'm a teacher- parents would find out and ask questions!

Thank you again xxx
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Re: How can I deal with this?? (long)

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Nov 06, 2009 12:57 pm

You can get free consel;ling via your GP. you may ahve to be on a waiting list but at least you know it will be forthcoming
The counsellor and the docotr will noit be able to disclose to anyone what you have discussed so no parents need to know and even if they managed to find out you were going to a counsellor they couldn't possibly know why and it doesn't have anything to do with them or how you are in your job
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Re: How can I deal with this?? (long)

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Nov 09, 2009 11:50 am

I agree with Bel Bel

You can get free counsilling, go and have a chat with your doctor and see what optinos are available.

As for anyone else finding out, why would parents find out? Why would anyone find out if you didn't tell them?
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Re: How can I deal with this?? (long)

Postby stressball » Sun Nov 15, 2009 11:31 am

Hi Angel_Fairy,

How have you been getting on? x
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