Feeling blue

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Feeling blue

Postby everloney » Tue Jan 05, 2010 11:25 am

Didn't know where to post this... I'm feeling alittle sad because tomorrow i fly back to the USA. I don't know, i just don't want to go back. Mainly because of my boss, he's really tough on me, i know he does it because he thinks it will help but it doesn't help. I know i should just ignore him keep my head down and get on with it but i worry i will do an experiment wrong and would like the support of a more experienced scientist. Also my housemates girlfriend has now moved in with us, after alot of pressure from them i agreed. I get reduced rent. I am dreding going back though and i think because i think being around a couple will upset me. I was reading this book called single, because i do want to be happy and single. I'm sick of making my own life miserable. The book is ok and some stuff did make me feel better but alot of it is just cheesey...

Also one of my long term ex's got engaged over the break, i am really happy for him and my other long term ex got over me and is with someone else. now i know it shouldn't bother me and i shouldn't care, after all i do not want him but it does bother me. I have not said anything to him and told his sister i want him to be happy. I do want him to be happy. I don't know why its upset me. Also i ruined newyears, i got upset after 12 (i was drunk) i was upset because i am still single. I hate myself for feeling this way but i do. I don't know how to be ok with it. My friend told me to delete the online dating account because i will only find losers. I think they are right, not because i will find just losers just because i am so desperate i will end up being ok with any loser i find. This is all i can think, but then i do reject people aswell.. Arghh. i just feel rubbish and need cheering up.
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Re: Feeling blue

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Jan 05, 2010 1:12 pm

I think part of the problem is you think being in a relationship will fufil you but to be honest you have to be happy with yourself before you get with someone else or it is doomed to failure. It's not someone elses responsibility to make you happy.

Why do you feel you need someone so much? Can't you try to enjoy all that being singles offers
Try to really work at broadening your places to meet potential people, expand your friends but don't actually go looking for partners and don't be disappoitned if it doesn't happen.

Try to relax about the whole thing. You are still so young

The boss thing is an issue. Can you look for another job elsewhere? Does it have to be in the part of the USA you are now? You have moved before perhaps you need to do it again

As for letting the girlfriend move in make it clear that if they want to be slushy they need to go to their own rooms. I think in your state of mind it was perhaps a bad move because now you will have to see them as a couple everyday.

However use the rent saving to join a club or go out and do some interesting things where you have the potential to meet new people and to make new friends
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Re: Feeling blue

Postby everloney » Tue Jan 05, 2010 5:46 pm

Thanks for the reply belbel. I agree with everything you say. I know you are right. I feel people think you are a loser if your single and i am sort of getting over that. I know its not true for everyone. I think i am worse around couples i feel lonely and jeulios of their happiness. I don't want to feel this way and i want desperately to be happy with being single and to be happy within myself. I want it but have no idea how to achieve it. How can i do it? I am just going to stop looking for a partner and do things that make me happy. I hope it will help. I think its natural to be upset about it sometimes. I have done alot of stuff on my own though and so i can be proud of this. I fixed my bikes brakes and my car lights without any help. :)

As for work, I guess i could look for another job, would be really hard to get one in the USA again. My J1 only allows me to work in one place, so would need another J1. Its a long process. Plus i want to come home. There are no jobs at the moment. I think the best thing for me to do is to keep my head down and try and get a paper from this job. It will help me get back to the UK. My boss is just tough on me and very inapropaite sometimes... he used dating menphors for lab experiements. Very odd. As for a new hobbie, i love that idea, i want more friends and something i can get in to. Love karate but there is very little social side and all the friends i have are work related friends. Any suggestions? I was thinking of sailing or something...
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Re: Feeling blue

Postby RagDoll » Tue Jan 05, 2010 5:57 pm

Everloney, I don't mean this in a nasty way, so please don't take it in that way... but I feel like you're asking the same questions over and over. No one can make you feel happy being single, only you can do that and it takes time. I know it's tough - I was single for pretty much a year before I met my current boyfriend and it was hard sometimes, so I'm not trying to belittle how you feel, but there are advantages to being single and you're still young!

I know this might sound a bit odd, but I found it helpful to think of people who had life much harder than me and were actually happy and strong for inspiration. I basically tried to remind myself how lucky I was. My Grandma (not the one that died recently) was such a strong character, when she lost my Grandad, who she'd been with all her life, she didn't just give up and mope (obviously she must have been devestated but...), she went out and socialised all the time, joined drama groups etc. I guess I just felt pretty inspired by that and drew some strength from it - she clearly went through something so much harder than me and I wanted to be strong like her. I know I am rambling, but what I'm saying it have some faith in yourself - you CAN be happy by yourself and you WILL meet someone at some point.
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Re: Feeling blue

Postby everloney » Tue Jan 05, 2010 9:33 pm

I agree ragdoll, this is a similar story and i am tired of it. I guess i just hope someone comes up with something i can do to help myself :). I just find it hard to think things will get better and i will change, if i change nothing and not knowing what to change to help myself drives me mad. I agree with you though, it is the same story....
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Re: Feeling blue

Postby Skarlet » Tue Jan 05, 2010 9:49 pm

The only thing you can really change is small things, like going to new classes or hobbies, like not going on dating websites. You need to change the things you are doing, to foster change in how you think. There is no magic pill, but working on making friends, getting involved in things will help keep your mind off being single. Did you ever look for an expat community out where you are?

You have mentioned about where you work lots, could you not ask your manager for a meeting, and go in there with a plan of how you are going to get your experiments working, and show him that he is underestimating you. You are a really intelligent, attractive friendly woman, you just have to believe it. :D
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Re: Feeling blue

Postby everloney » Thu Jan 07, 2010 5:24 pm

Skarlet, i know your right, i guess i'm just tired. Its been 5 years and i have been stuck in this rut for that long. I guess i feel like things will never change, i will always feel like this. I hate that thought because i feel like i am wasting my life being sad, stressed and depressed. I think i would like a partner, just to take the edge off, so i don't have to feel alone and so i have some support. My friends tire of my wining and i think people here are tiring of it too. They say, you'll find someone or shut up. I guess no-one likes someone who is always feeling sorry for themselves. I'm not sure if its lack of a boyfriend that is making me sad. i think it was at newyear, mainly because i was ment to get married in 2007, so since then i get alittle depressed. I ended the relationship before we properly planned anything and i don't regret it. Thinking about it i wasn't happy then either. I would spend alot of my time day-dreaming. I guess this proves someone else can not make me happy. I think the reason i am single is because i was on self destruct for so long, i looked back and i would always choose the person that was bad for me over the nicer person. I think i thought i didn't deserve better. I'm not really looking for advise, i just feel better to talk.

As for work, this is my plan skarlet! i am writing a proposal for a series of experiments. I am thinking i will work my ass off for the next year and a half and hopefully get a paper. then i am coming home. I am back in the states now and miserable, i miss my family and friends. I guess i have learnt one thing from all this and thats that i want to be closer to my family and friends. I am also planning on making the most of my time here in the states, after all its an experience and i shouldn't ruin it for myself. Maybe i will start surfing or something?
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Re: Feeling blue

Postby snail » Thu Jan 07, 2010 6:37 pm

everloney wrote:My friends tire of my wining and i think people here are tiring of it too.

I don't think PP-ers get tired of someone posting problems unless the person never listens to anything that is said, and that isn't what you do. Sometimes, people don't post replies because there isn't much to say - as you said, you are not looking for advice so much as wanting to talk. For what it's worth, Everloney, you seem to me to move on a little all the time, understanding yourself better, planning ahead, and continually choosing positive actions.
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Re: Feeling blue

Postby everloney » Thu Jan 07, 2010 9:01 pm

Thanks snail, that makes me feel better. I feel worse when people seem to get angry at me. You know snail, this will sound weird but you are kind of my role model. Your older than me and have been on and off single and you seem to have it all together. This gives me hope that i can be single and happy. I think i just need to make peace with the fact that a partner will not make all my problems disappear and although i think being with someone will bring me happiness it will not solve my underlying unhappiness. I think i am just feeling lonely today because i just left all the people that love me. I was really happy being home with my family and friends around. I think in a week i will feel better again because i will have settled down alittle. I guess i am alittle freaked out that it will be a long time till i see my friends and family again. Sorry this turned into a rant....
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Re: Feeling blue

Postby Skarlet » Thu Jan 07, 2010 11:13 pm

Hey Everloney, I am glad you have a plan for your work, I think that you are unfortunate in having a bullying type boss. I think you need to be really business like, and put ona real business like front.

Its really hard when you are so far from your family, but they still loving you from afar. Its okay to rant on here, and I am in no way fed up of you talking about how you are feeling. I think you should read over your old posts, so you can see how far you have come. I am sorry if you thought i was being short, I didn't mean it in that way, I have been coming on in really short time frames, so haven't been able to say everything I have wanted to.
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Re: Feeling blue

Postby everloney » Fri Jan 08, 2010 12:01 am

Oh skarlet, i just read my reply you to and think maybe i was short with you. I was not hurt my your message, i rather liked it. I think this "nobody wants to listen to me" is just how i get when i am down. I am going to do my best to rise above it and carry on. I will most defendly give work my very bestest. Regret is one of the worst feelings and i do not want to look back and wish i did better. I still think i am going to make myself feel better tonight, with a chocolate dinner, lots of TV and book reading and by cuddling my housemates dogs... thanks guys, you really make a lonely girl feel less lonely
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Re: Feeling blue

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Jan 08, 2010 10:47 am

I do agree with sanil you are progressing and sometimes you need to hit the bottom to start coming back up again. You do seem to be thinking about things and how you can change them and thats the first baby step
The surfing sounds a brilliant idea. It will keep you fit and you are bound to make some new frineds. Make a pact with yourself to not talk about being single for a couple of weeks. It might help you change you thinking if you don't express your negative feelings out loud

Also think your work plans is a good idea and just start counting down to when you can come home, 18 months isn't all that long.

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Re: Feeling blue

Postby snail » Fri Jan 08, 2010 11:34 am

I also think you need to trust yourself more. You (like a lot of the other 20-somethings on here [-X ) often beat yourself up because you haven't got everything 'sorted' - career, partner, house, car, etc etc. I wouldn't expect anyone to have all those things sorted at your age, and anyway if you did, what would you do with the other 50 or 60 years of your life? Life is a journey, you move and grow and learn new things all the time. You have to trust your own journey, and trust that you are doing exactly what you should be doing. Your journey seems a pretty exciting one to me!
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: Feeling blue

Postby everloney » Fri Jan 08, 2010 7:46 pm

Thanks guys, I think you are right, i should trust myself more. I plan to make this year my year of change and discovery. I want to change my negative attitudes and discover what makes me happy. I will make that pact belbel, i will not talk about being single for a whole two weeks. Just before i start though i think i will write a list of positive things about being single. Its not all bad after all.
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