How do I get over this?

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How do I get over this?

Postby whoopsie » Sun May 09, 2010 11:21 am

Last weekend, I found out that my fiancè's 5 year old told her mum and grandparents that i was hitting her and starving her. Apart from it being physically impossible as I'm never alone with her, I could never ever hit her, I don't have it in me and there's just no way I would. I don't even really tell her off. And the only time I stop her from eating is when she's had enough.
Thankfully she eventually told the truth otherwise the repercussions are just unthinkable. She's obviously troubled, they're trying to get her to see a child counsellor. Everyone thinks her mum is manipulating her. She doesn't like me. I guess cos I've been a mother figure to her daughter when she has not been a fit state to be.

Thing is, i feel incredibly hurt by the whole thing. I have been nothing but nice to his daughter, treated her as if she were my own. I've put myself completely out of my comfort zone and rarely complained. I feel betrayed and belittled. That is a massive lie to tell, and she's far from stupid, she knew it was wrong.
I can't even look at her at the moment. I'm not being horrible to her, but I'm not making an effort. I can't bring myself to pretend to be nice to her. I know she is just a child, but I can't help but think 'what about how I feel?' i feel like it's starting to get brushed under the carpet. Everyone is acting like nothing has happened. Maybe soon, people are going to think that I'm milking the situation by still being upset. This has crushed me. Why can no one understand that?
=^..^=
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Re: How do I get over this?

Postby LemonJuice87 » Sun May 09, 2010 12:24 pm

I think I get it.
No-one seems to understand because you have been there for sooo long helping to raise this child. That people are forgetting your not her parent.

I do it sometimes with Mr. LemonJuice. I think "Why hasnt he done this, why hasnt he done that" I stomp around doing it myself then realise "Oh yeah, he's not her real Dad, it's not his place" When, if asked, he would happily do it.

I feel for you though, its not a nice situation for you to be in and i cant imagine how your feeling. Have you spoken to your boyfriend about it? Maybe because he's wrapped up in his daughters world trying to find out why she told this lie, he forgot how it might of affected you?
I know you said you cant look at her, but maybe having a little girly chat with her. Ask her why she felt she had to tell her Mum that. Ask her if its because of...... such and such?

I dont have a lot of time for a more detailed reply. But hopefully you will get the jist of what i'm saying.

Hopw it all works out for you. xxx
You know you're a mum when the thought of food shopping alone becomes exciting.

When you and your significant other are having an argument, just take all of your clothes off during the spat and stand there. Something is bound to happen!! =]
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Re: How do I get over this?

Postby whoopsie » Sun May 09, 2010 5:18 pm

I do, thanks. I've had a bit of a chat with her today. She's still not giving much away. I just can't forget it that quick. I don't want to let my guard down. That's understandable right?
=^..^=
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Re: How do I get over this?

Postby Bel Bel » Mon May 10, 2010 11:42 am

Totally get where your coming from but try to look at it from her perspective.
If her mother is manipulating her and she is desperate for her mothers approval then she would obviously do anything to get it.
You, whilst admirable being a good step parent, are actually the baddie to her right now. If you weren't around maybe her mum and dad would be together, that's how kids think. And her mother may be reinforcing that point to her.

You just have to be patient and she will come to her own conclusions despite what her mother says.

I think she does need conselling and may be suffering form abandonment issues, I know she hasn't actually been abandoned but kids get it when parents split up let alone when they split and their is acromony between the parents

The fact she has lied once will make people wary about beleiving any further stories so try not to let it get to you
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Re: How do I get over this?

Postby snail » Mon May 10, 2010 12:06 pm

I agree. I feel terribly sorry for you, Whoops, but also terribly sorry for this little girl. Throughout all your posts on here it's been clear she is troubled, and no wonder really. I think it all goes back to what has happened with her mother. I think you just have to hang on in there.
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Re: How do I get over this?

Postby Jonaslove » Mon May 10, 2010 3:26 pm

It is quite obvious that this little girl is troubled, but even so, that doesn't change the way that her actions have made you feel.
You really need to talk about it with someone who is part of the situation, maybe your boyfriend? Explain calmly how it has made you feel, Im sure he will understand and be able to give you some support.

If not maybe try talking to his daughter again? Try and sit her down and tell her your not angry with her, you just want to know why she did it. If not maybe you could get your boyfriend to talk to her. Things like this can't be ignored and have to be talked about. Alot of people try to avoid talking about things because its not going to be a comfortable conversation to have, but I believe its the only way it can be resolved! You both need to make each other aware of how you feel.

I also think that getting a child counsellor is a very good idea. Im certain it would really help her!

Hope things get sorted out, and you feel better about this soon! Keep us posted!
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Re: How do I get over this?

Postby mysterychild » Tue May 11, 2010 7:59 am

Been there, done that. I truly sympathise.

A couple of years ago, my stepdaughter (SD) told her mother that I'd been physically and verbally abusing her - and all hell broke loose until she was put in a position of having to tell the truth - that it was totally untrue.

Sadly my SD was in her teens, but I think that there are some similarities in the situation, the main one being that my SD wanted to find something with which she could 'connect' with her mother, and get her mother's attention. Creating a drama about me got her mother's attention all right, and her mother believed every word of it because I was, in her eyes, the evil step mother.

I, like you was devastated but it made me take a step back and reconsider my role in the situation. From what I learnt, this is what I'd suggest in your situation:

- remember that this actually isn't about you - it's about the child and her need to get attention from her mother - talking to her about why she did it probably won't get you very far, she's only 5 and won't have the capacity (yet) to completely understand her own motivations;
- be careful not to overplay the 'mommy' role. She already has a mother - and regardless of what you think of her mothering skills, she's still her mother and you aren't. I think that this is a really important boundary to respect and understand;
- step-parents rarely get the credit they deserve (particularly if there are 2 parents active in the children's lives), don't invest TOO much in what they say and do relating to you;
- it's important that she understand what she did is wrong, but it's up to her dad to talk to her. Again, she's 5 so she won't have a good sense of time or consequences. Kids live in the present so she may not even fully understand why you're quiet with her or feeling hurt.

I've been where you are and can honestly say that it's vital you don't take it personally - I know that this is hard and that you naturally want to distance yourself from her. Personally, I found it easier to support my husband in the parenting of his daughters rather than to be a parent to them myself. It allowed a certain distance and helped me maintain a sense of perspective.

Given what has happened to you, you may want to consider this yourself. I wish you well, it's a hard and complex situation being a step parent. I don't know that I'd willingly choose to do it again!
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Re: How do I get over this?

Postby ennis81 » Tue May 11, 2010 1:01 pm

I think mystery child has given excellent advice on this
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