Bridesmaid/wedding/relationships dilemma :(

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Bridesmaid/wedding/relationships dilemma :(

Postby stressball » Tue Jun 01, 2010 9:26 pm

Hi All - I'm not sure If I've said this after my last post but I have recently got engaged to my partner and I am very happy, we are thinking of getting married in 2 years time - although I have a bit of a dilemma.

I have an older sister who I am not close with at all - we only see each other at family gatherings, and whenever I have tried in the past to ask her round my house she always fobbed me off with excuses. She's criticised my fiance with what he wears, what he looks like, and because hes shy and reserved thinks hes rude when he isnt. Yet when we do get together very rarely we have a laugh, but she seems to make sure it goes no further than that. She even gives my mum my xmas/birthday presents to give to me so she doesnt have to see me - then complains I never make an effort - she has never invited me and my fiance round her house - ever!!! When she does get in contact with me she is very overly nice then when I get friendly with her again she backs off and I'm not sure why.

Now my mum has told me ever since I got engaged I HAVE to have my sister as bridesmaid because its the "right" thing to do and she will be heartbroken if i don't involve her. If I'm speaking honestly, if she had treated me better I would have loved for her to be my bridesmaid, but I'm thinking if she doesnt want to know me, why should I give her this when she's distanced herself from me so much?

Well, to be honest I would love to have at least 1 bridesmaid, but I do not think anyone I know is worthy of that title. I do have thoughts on 2 other people I could ask to be bridesmaid - one of them I have known since school and she has just come back on the scene ever since I got engaged after ignoring me for a year to hang out with other people. This girl was my best friend up until a year ago when I realised that if she could drop me like that after all those years she wasnt worth it. This girl knows my family really well and everyone likes her. The other girl I have only known 6 months and she blows hot and cold on me all the time, Its like we are best friends when she talks to me through the internet, then when we meet up its really awkward like she doesnt know what to say, which I find really frustrating. Other than that, shes a lovely girl.

I really dont know what to do here - I think at the end of the day I would like a bridesmaid in my heart of hearts but none of these people have treated me very well. Any advice??
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Re: Bridesmaid/wedding/relationships dilemma :(

Postby Jenny22 » Wed Jun 02, 2010 10:16 am

Congratulations on your engagement :)

I have a really awkward brother so I kind of know where you are coming from with this!

Its your wedding, its about you and your fiance and no one else. There are so many conventions that come along with a wedding, like the bridesmaid and the best man, when really it should all be about you and your partner, and in the grand scheme of things, no one else really matters.

This could be a really good opportunity to extend an olive branch to your sister. There is clearly something going on with her, it could be down to jealousy (sounds like it from the way she criticises your fiance).
You could say to her 'I know we haven't always got along, and I think its a real shame because you are my sister, we're only here once, and I would really love it if we could get along better, I want to put whatever has happened in the past behind us, and it would mean a lot to me if you would be my bridesmaid'
I know on principle she doesn't really deserve it, but you only get one chance with your family, and sometimes it just takes someone to be the bigger person and say 'you know what, we've not got on in the past, but you're my sister, lets put this behind us.'

As for the other girls, they sound a bit flakey, like in 10 years time you probably won't even talk to them anymore. In a way it would probably be nicer to remember your sister as your bridesmaid than some girl you never talk to anymore.

This wedding is about you and your partner, not the politics of who is going to be the bridesmaid, in the grand scheme of things they're not important, I would try not to make too much of it, and concentrate on you!

I hope that helps in some way!
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Re: Bridesmaid/wedding/relationships dilemma :(

Postby snail » Wed Jun 02, 2010 3:35 pm

I agree - ask your sister. Neither of the other girls sound suitable, and as Jenny says, this could be an important and rather lovely thing to 'give' to your sister. Her behaviour reminds me of some of the members of my own family, and I know in those cases it's down to their own unhappiness and problems, so it probably is in your sister's case as well.

If this really doesn't feel right (for example, if your fiance is unhappy with her there) then I would just not have a bridesmaid.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: Bridesmaid/wedding/relationships dilemma :(

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jun 02, 2010 3:52 pm

I too agree with the others
And remember your fiance may have female family memebers he might like too
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

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Re: Bridesmaid/wedding/relationships dilemma :(

Postby stressball » Wed Jun 02, 2010 7:19 pm

Hi everyone, thanks very much for your replies, you've given me lots to think about.

I think you are all right, in the way that my sister has some underlying issues which I don't think I will ever know about. I guess we should just both grow up and try to get on at the end of the day! After all, she will always be my sister, and friends will not always be friends.

My fiance says he does not mind who I have as bridesmaid, as long as I'm happy. He is an only child and has no female siblings/cousins to choose from to offer so unfortunately that wouldn't be an option, although if it was, it would probably annoy my family for choosing them over her if that was the case.

I think I will bite the bullet and ask - after all, I am interested in having a relationship with her, and who knows, this may bring us closer together.

Thanks for all your advice, I'll keep you all updated!

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Re: Bridesmaid/wedding/relationships dilemma :(

Postby Jenny22 » Fri Jun 04, 2010 10:00 am

I hope you manage to work it out with your sister. x
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