Why can't I bond properly with my newborn son?

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Why can't I bond properly with my newborn son?

Postby Glitter_mummy » Tue Jun 22, 2010 10:35 am

Well I had my 2nd baby nearly 4 months ago now. My oldest is nearly two. the problem is i'm worried I havn't bonded properly with my newborn. I think part of it was to do with the fact that all through my pregnancy I was told i ws havng a girl - and allthough i didn't care a stuff what sex the baby was along as it was healthy and happy, i had bonded with the little girl i'd been told i was carrying. Then when he was born by c-section(he was breech) he turned out to be a boy, i didn't feel disappointed atall it was just a bit of a shock. there were problems after the birth as i bled alot, they thought i may die at one point but fortunatly they stopped it. I had to have a blood transfusion though. I breast fed him for the first months which was nice but i struggled to feel a connecion from it with him that i had first time around. And now he's 4 months old, as always i do care about him, of course i do. but i just dont feel the rush of love i felt and feel for my first. My 2nd looks very much like my partner and i struggle to see myself in him atall - not that this matters but it makes it hard to find a connection..he also suffers from colic/wind quite badly so cries alot, I know its terrible but sometimes i feel like he hates me as whatever i do he just cries, then i'll pass him to his dad and he'll be find. I feel so guilty and upset for feeling like this. Whats wrong with me? am i hateful cow who cant even love her own child? :( please help i really dont know what to do. I cry alot over this as i know its not right. it's really effecting my whole world. I spoke to my fiance about this yesterday(i'd wanted to talk to him about it for ages but just couldnt bring myself to talk to anyone) and he said i was being silly and it was all in my head. I booked an appointment with the doctor for tonight but i'm terrified of going now. i'm scared i'll be told i'm an unfit mother and the social will be contacted... please help me..any advice much apreciated
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Re: Why can't I bond properly with my newborn son?

Postby Skarlet » Tue Jun 22, 2010 11:38 am

Hey Glitter_Mummy,

Honestly what you are going through is very very common, and you will not be branded an unfit mother. It sounds like you have postnatal depression- please go to your doctor and get help. Don't be afraid of seeking help- no one will think less of you.

Take care of yourself.
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Re: Why can't I bond properly with my newborn son?

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Jun 22, 2010 3:50 pm

I agree it is likely to be some form of post natal derpression. I had it so you have my sympathy. I am so glad you got the courage to tell someone. Your fiance will find it difficult to relate to

You have also had a rough time of it with the birth and all that happened after.

The other thing is maybe it's because he is your second and you have been there and done it so your feelings are quite so extreme as last time as you knew what to expect in some ways but in others your expectations have not been met becasue of your memories from last time, hope that makes sense.

Try not to be hard on yourself the baby is bound to be picking up on your inner emotion and that's why he will react to you badly but then be fine with your calm partner whos isn't worrying

Hopefully the doctor will help but if not see your heal th visitor who will be highly trained to deal with situations like this

What your feeling is not enough of a reason to take your baby away so stop worrying about that. Even IF socail services got involved they would see you are taking great care of your baby but to be honest I don't think they will be involved at all given what you have said
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Re: Why can't I bond properly with my newborn son?

Postby Glitter_mummy » Tue Jun 22, 2010 6:39 pm

Thank you guys - great advice. saw doctor this evening. It was very emotional and i couldnt stop cryng. But i got it all out. She said its very common and that i'm a good mother (shes seen me and my kids a few times) and that it can take upto a year to bond. i'm seeing her next monday and she's getting the health visitor to ring me
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Re: Why can't I bond properly with my newborn son?

Postby retrochav » Wed Jun 23, 2010 12:37 am

Theres absolutely nothing wrong with you as a mum. When most mums are really honest, its frequent to feel this way. Its often worse with a second child as there is so much more comparision with how you percieve it was with the first.

In my job many mums tell me the truth in a way they feel they cant tell anyone else so i speak from experiance here. The fact that you have talked about it is a huge triumph - you have probably helped other mums feel less isolated and freaked out just by sharing. Its a taboo that must be broken if mums (and other carers) are to feel its okay to feel this way and get reasurance

The danger sign to me is the mum who never talks of anything but absolute joy and love - having a baby is a wonderful thing...but it is also overwhelming and can leave us tired, afraid and anxious. By saying that things arent perfect, we allow others to help us and to give us the permission to talk. A bond with a baby isnt always automatic, but it is something that will grow and develop in time as long as we dont force it upon ourselves.

Take pride in the fact that you are caring for two dependent children and meeting as many of their needs as you humanly can, the rest will get so much easier with time and support.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Re: Why can't I bond properly with my newborn son?

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jun 23, 2010 3:42 pm

glitter mummy - well done for speaking up
Retorochav is so right, my mum made me feel the pressure of being a perfect mum and I hide my post natal depression becasue of it. It went on for a long time and I feel gulity that iIwasn't emotionally there as much as I probably could have been for my daughter. Luckily we have a fantastic relationship now and it was my child minder who helped me cope with it and made me feel normal when all around me people were making me feel I had to conform to that poster my image

If your having a bad day please feel free to pm me (I am not usually on at weekends and evenings but will alwasy get back to you

Chin up, hopefully you will start to feel better sooner rather than later :D
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