Disabled after a stroke and I hate myself

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Disabled after a stroke and I hate myself

Postby steveuk405 » Mon Aug 30, 2010 7:32 pm

Please help me. I don't know where to start.

Before my stroke, I had treatment for depression and managed to keep it under control. Engineers, in my case Electronics, don't talk about their feelings, so I shut them away in a box and kept the lid shut.

I had a few jobs, good at every one, but was too good to be promoted because I was making money for other people. Instead, the more I did the more I was given because I could never say no to a boss. So I ended up doing more and more for less money and in 1999 I had time off for blood pressure. This was due to kidney disease. The firm I was with fitted me up to get me off their BUPA membership.

I felt worse and worse, but because of my background and not to be seen as a government scrounger, I drifted from job to job and again, had to had time off because one employer forced me onto a roof without a safety harness with the phrase 'You're still under probation do you want to be sacked'. I fell through the roof. Not badly hurt, just bruised, but landed on my dodgy kidneys. I returned to the sack.

By 2003 I was keeping working using various medicines to reduce blood pressure and pain, driving round the country for virtually no money fixing door access controls for David Lloyds. I was nearly home but still driving when I finally gave way and had a stroke. I didn't even damage the car as I stopped....

...and came round in Hospital. On Dialysis because my kidneys had finally given up the ghost.

I now walk with a stick, my right arm is dead and after a transplant am more or less OK. But the way I am treated is still bad and my depression is back. I don't show it and have become good at hiding it, after all I don't want to go to a psychiatrist and be put away. I don't cry - never have - but I feel tense and worried all the time. But I punish myself for everything now. I have just whacked myself over the head a few times for knockinh something over. It happens all the time. I call myself a sick basket.... and worse. It's like I'm angry at myself all the time.

It helped in a way as I forced myself to do things. Walking, Driving...

I used to be a radio presenter too. But the station I was on was closed and the community station in it's place didn't want me because I am disabled. They've got some of my stuff and I want it back. No go. The chairman fobbed me off. I even repaired stuff for them with one hand - I've learned how. Somebody at the station has been slagging me off to other stations. They are not interested in finding out who, and I can't go anywhere else because of the slagging.

I'm reaching the end. Please help.
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Re: Disabled after a stroke and I hate myself

Postby ennis81 » Tue Aug 31, 2010 11:15 am

Hey :)
How are you? I had to respond to your post as my heart went out to you for being so badly treated and having such a rough run of luck.
You need to get some help to sort yourself out and start living again, I'm not sure if you have looked into anything like this, but I looked up some support groups for you
•British Council for Disabled People (BCODP)-
•Disabled Information Advice Line (DIAL) UK-DIAL
•Keep Able-Provides mobility and lifestyle ideas

Stop thinking about all the bad things and people and try and find something good in life again, and please try and stop being so hard on yourself you have suffered enough. I hope you have some family and friends to help take care of you.
You could maybe try counselling to come to terms with what has happened to you and deal with the anger, frustration and anxiety you feel.
I hope I have helped a little bit, try to stay positive you have already come through so much

Take care :wink:
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Re: Disabled after a stroke and I hate myself

Postby Sussexlady » Tue Aug 31, 2010 12:20 pm

I truly believe you need proper face to face help, your situation and feelings are too serious for any online forum where anonymous people can give advice but cannot meet you and give you the personal help that you truly need.

You should start by going to your GP ask for a double length appointment and pour out everything you have said on here.

Good luck.


PS Don't worry a psychiatrists, they don't put people away these days!
52 yrs English female
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Re: Disabled after a stroke and I hate myself

Postby Peanut1977 » Fri Sep 10, 2010 9:12 pm

Hi there, I can feel your despair through your words. However, as an objective person I can see clearly how you have come to this place: you have never allowed yourself to even cry let alone get all of this heavy, stressful stuff off your chest. My dad was very high up in the fire service and worked his way right up from the bottom. He comes from a generation of men who just don't talk about how they're really doing. Eventually after years of stress (personal, historical and professional) he had a breakdown. He used to mock people who talked about their feelings and slagged off anyone who wanted to talk about themselves like that. He now regrets how he was and thinks that the fact that in those days and those professions you simply don't talk about stuff, contributed to his breakdown. When you are in the midst of depression you can't see the woods for the trees and think everything is bad. I suffered from depression and wanted to die for a long time. It's not an exaggeration to say that my doctor (first)and now my councellor have pretty much saved my sanity if not my life. Talking things over is highly, highly underrated. Just to get all that rubbish out of your head and your heart will work wonders, if you find the right person to talk to it about, trust me. Councellors don't wave a magic wand and make your situation change, but as we know we can't change situations or other people, only how we see or react to them, and I feel this change in your thought processes could help you massively. I wish you all the luck in the world x
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Re: Disabled after a stroke and I hate myself

Postby sunlight » Fri Dec 03, 2010 10:31 pm

Why on earth do you hate yourself, you sound like a competent and skillful person a nice person who has been taken advantage of over the years and treated badly THATS NOT YOUR FAULT. If you know your suffering from deprssion you need to go and see your GP, he may give you the medication you need which in turn amongst other things will help you see more clearly, I also agree with sussexlady you should talk so some one face to face, you need to be strong and believe in yourself, you can bounse back. many years ago I went through depression, mistakes where made and I hated myself there were things going on at the time and I couldn't see a single nice thing about my self I was treated badly by people I knew at the time. when your in that place you feel that everything is your fault I know, one day when I was sitting alone thinking I pretended in my head that my brother was me that he had gone through everything I had gone through that my problems where happening to him. I reallized that I was being way to hard on myself.I defended him where I wouldn't for my self what I'm saying is you need to cut your self some slack here theres nothing to hate about you, I allways say to my dad the person who critisies you the most is yourself.I'm so sorry to here about your accident and about your arm it must of been horrendous for you. you have the rest of your life ahead of you and you can make it as good and pleasurable as you want, while theres breath in your body you can do anything. dont let your past reck your future because the future is yours its your life no one elses it belongs to you, you can only learn from the past. please see your GP.and do you know for a fact you wont get another radio station job have you actually tried. dont give up never give up lifes to precious. you need to learn how to love yourself your only human .

wish you all the luck in the world, be strong
Last edited by sunlight on Fri Dec 03, 2010 10:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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