Need help to move on..

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Need help to move on..

Postby magpiePe » Fri Nov 19, 2010 12:27 pm

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. At the beginning of this year I went to Namibia and South Africa for two months doing voluntary work (I’d always wanted to do it, but my boyfriend wasn’t interested, he made it clear he wouldn’t come) I didn’t want to not do it and end up resenting him so I went alone. I had amazing time up until the last half of my voluntary placement. The coordinator and I got a bit flirty and ended up kissing on a few occasions (only when I had been drinking - stupid I know) Why did I do it? I don’t know, I’ve never cheated before and it’s never even entered my head. To be totally honest my boyfriend and I hadn’t had the best year, (I know that doesn't make what I did ok) for one reason or another it felt like we had started to drift apart and whilst I was in Africa I realised (or thought) that we wanted different things out of life…so were these subconscious reasons in the back of my mind or just convenient excuses? I had kind of thought we would go our separate ways when I got back. How wrong could I be!

The thing is, I didn’t even really fancy the coordinator guy, and I am so glad to say that nothing else happened, he did try, but I batted his hands away, I definitely had no intention of sleeping with him. I felt so guilty afterwards though for even kissing him but not nearly as much as I did once I got back to the UK and saw my boyfriend. As it actually sunk in I couldn’t believe what I had done. I’m no good at lying or dealing with a guilty conscience, so it didn’t take me long before I confessed. He knew something was up anyway. Of course he was gutted, we have 7years of history and a mortgage and he was really hurt that I could ever do that to him. It upset me so much to see how I'd hurt him. Somehow though, amazingly, he has forgiven me and put it behind him. We talked about the past year and both agreed to make changes, we've spent more time together and now things have completely changed, I think our relationship (weirdly) is better than ever, and I realised recently just how much I love him and that I actually I would like to make the full commitment and spend the rest of my life with him.

Ok, so why am I putting a post on this site? Even though my boyfriend has forgiven me and moved on, I can’t seem to. There’s not a day gone by where I haven’t thought about what I did. How I've let myself and him down. The whole thing plays on my mind. Every time I feel happy I get a sudden huge wave of guilt and I am so wrapped up in guilt and regret and I don’t know how to deal with it. Whenever ‘cheating’ comes up in a conversation I feel myself go hot, I feel so ashamed. I try to push it to the back of my mind and box it away, if my boyfriend can do it so should I, plus people have done worse things in life haven't they?? Is it because he's been so wonderful and understanding that I feel more guilty? He was amazing, he just hugged me when I was in floods of tears and told me that "it's going to be ok" and "at least you know you love me now". Would I feel better if he'd turned around and slapped me or something? I feel that's what I deserve. Is not being punished the worst punishment of all? In that, I'm now punishing myself. There are times when I feel nothing but hate for myself, I look in the mirror in disgust, my confidence has gone, I’ve lost all ambition at work and I feel worthless - it's pathetic! On a couple of occasions I've even had panic attacks and once I even cut my leg and arm with a pair of scissors because I wanted to hurt myself. Am I blowing it all out of proportion in self pity? Or is this what I deserve?

My boyfriend asked me not to tell anyone about what happened because it would have to be over between us, he couldn't deal with the shame. So I can't talk to a family member or friend about it. So… as you people on here are strangers to both of us maybe I can talk to you? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, please can you help me get over this and move on????!!!!!

Any advice appreciated, thanks
A
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Re: Need help to move on..

Postby ILoveChristmas » Fri Nov 19, 2010 1:51 pm

I think you need to bring the subject up again with your boyfriend and talk about it. I sense that you've been left in some doubt about how he's dealing with it and how he really feels deep down and I think it's partially this uncertainty that's stopping you from putting the whole thing behind you.

I imagine you feel a little like you're walking on egg shells, but unless you both sit down and talk openly about how it's made you both feel and how each of you is moving on from it then it'll be very hard to truly get over it rather than simply box it away.

Do try to get a little perspective though. What you did was certainly wrong, you know that, but it was kissing and nothing else went on. It's on the fringes of cheating and as you say, others have done far worse, most of whom don't have the courage to confront it the way you have.
Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive. - Stephen Fry.

The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. — Steve Furtick
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Re: Need help to move on..

Postby Planty » Fri Nov 19, 2010 3:19 pm

I have to say I think you should be proud. Obviously not for the kissing but with the way you dealt with in afterwards. You were honest with your partner when so many people wouldn't have been and you didn't sleep with the guy. If you only kissed him when you'd had a drink then the chances are it could have easily gone further but you didn't let that happen.

I do agree with ILC too though, in that I think you should speak to your boyfriend about how you are feeling now as it really could put a wedge between you when all you both really seem to want is for your relationship to progress.
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Re: Need help to move on..

Postby snail » Fri Nov 19, 2010 6:36 pm

As ILC said, what you did really wasn't that bad, so there must be some other reason you're experiencing these extreme feelings. Is it possible you have some suppressed anger towards your boyfriend, and this may be what's behind some of your feelings? I think there would have been a strong element of punishing your boyfriend in your behaviour with the co-ordinator - it's clear you felt your boyfriend was unsupportive and perhaps uninterested in you. Do you in some part of your heart blame your boyfriend for what happened, but you haven't been able to talk this through with him because of your own guilt?

Or do you think you're trying to sabotage your relationship with your boyfriend in some way? Do you worry that you might do this again? Or did you just have a view of yourself as a perfect person, who never put a foot wrong or made a mistake, and you're having a hard time adjusting to being in the wrong? What do you think is behind this?
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Re: Need help to move on..

Postby magpiePe » Tue Jan 04, 2011 2:04 pm

Hi– thanks for your comments. (sorry for the long post!)

Well my partner and I did talk about it again, he brought it up as I do think he doubted me when I said I didn’t sleep with the guy, which is understandable, I broke his trust!!! I have assured him again that we never slept together (but because they were quite passionate kisses I almost feel like we did in a way which is so absurd because we did not have penetrative sex, we were fully clothed, not even naked at any time, I didn’t touch his bits and he didn’t touch mine - I know I am just blowing it way out of proportion in my mind, because I was drunk and the night is a blur I guess it feels more intense – but it was just kissing, that’s what I have to keep reminding myself).

We were open and honest and I did actually say to him that when I went to Africa I was feeling like we weren’t getting on all that well and like we were drifting apart. He did agree that it wasn’t as good as it used to be but didn’t think it was coming to an end and said he had never had any doubts about our relationship. We’ve never argued or anything really in our relationship its just we seemed to lead separate lives, he had all his hobbies, always out and about with friends and I seemed to be stuck at home in a routine of cooking for him, cleaning, doing chores and lunchboxes and then also seeing my family and friends alone. So when I decided to wanted to go travelling and he wasn’t interested yes SNAIL, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said I felt my boyfriend was unsupportive and uninterested in me. I had kind of told him that’s how I felt at the time of planning the trip and he just said don’t be silly, it’s just that travelling isn’t something I want to do, if you want to do it, go and do it. I felt at the time like it was all about him and what he wanted to do and what I wanted didn’t really matter, and if I am being honest I thought at the time that maybe I didn’t want to be with someone like that. I had always supported him in whatever his “new thing” was but he didn’t do the same for me and yes that hurt. So yes maybe you are right in saying I have some suppressed anger towards my boyfriend, but it’s unfair for me to try and blame him for what I did, the end of the day I did wrong, he didn’t. I didn’t intentionally mean to punish him, did I subconsciously try to sabotage my relationship? – I don’t know, to be honest all these things are confused in my mind I can’t figure them out.

All I know is that I felt different about him then to what I do now and because we have rekindled our love I keep thinking back to what I felt and thought then and feel guilty for it.

As for being perfect it’s funny you say that, cos my Nan only said to me only the other day “You’re problem is you want everything to be perfect all the time, well life isn’t like that” – that hit me like a tonne of bricks because I had never thought about it like that before. I know in reality that no one is perfect but I suppose I have always been proud of my self for having such high morals, always trying to do the right thing and try never to put a foot wrong, I live by the rules and like to please people and then feel guilty if I don’t – so yes, I think you are right, because of what I did, I am having a hard time adjusting to being in the wrong. How can I change my perspective?

Since our discussion about it I think (and hope) my boyfriend believes me, he says he does and we both promised each other to start this year a fresh and forget the last couple. I am trying to do it but I still have these bad feelings, how do I change my views on perfection, accept what I did and move on?....I guess only time will heal?? - Plus I am going to stop drinking!!!!!
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Re: Need help to move on..

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jan 19, 2011 5:25 pm

Sorry for late reply.

If you drink it will heighten any negative emotions so knocking that on the head will be a good start

Your boyfriend has forgiven you so you need to forgive yourself. Hanging onto this will only create more problems. If your b/f can forgive then tell yourself off for having the cheek to carry on feeling bad [-X - :lol:


You have an opportunity to have a good relationship. What you did has actually bought you closer together so it happneded for a reason and it could have been a lot worse. You could have slept with someone and your b/f may not have forgiven you.

Even time you feel guilty give yourself a ticking off and move on. Hopefully in time you'll just get it out of your head
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