My Mental Health

For problems with mental or emotional well being.
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Just Landed
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My Mental Health

Post by Nikijohnsen » Wed Nov 24, 2010 12:30 am

Hello, this is my first post but I'm sure one of the hardest I'll ever make.

To provde you with a brief history, I'm 24 years old, female, eldest of what was 4 children, and one of which was born severly handicapped. He was 2 years younger than me. My parents battled in court for compensation (long story) and were eventually awarded a substantial amount of money. Sadly, my brother died only two years after the settlement and the inheritance tax meant they had to sell our house and they had little left afterwards, ontop of the stress of the death itself. Literally, weeks after this my Father was complaining of a sore back, and went to the doctors where he was diagnosed with the most aggressive form of Multiple Schlerosis. That was 4 years ago, he's wheelchair bound now and in pain all of the time. I believe he is depressed, as I can see the pain in his face whenever he has a fall. On one ocassion he suffered a weak bladder during a fall and his deep embarssment hurt me beyond words. He's 44 years old.

I'm currently living with my boyfriend who's 10 years my senior. I've been with him 4 and a half years. About two years ago, for no reason I can think of, he just stopped having sex or trying to have sex with me. I've tried and he has rebuffed my attempts. I've dropped many hints and confronted him about this, but at the beginning he said that it was normal for relationships. Now, my confidence is shattered and although he has never tried to have sex with me in these two years, if he did now, I don't think I could.

I work as a sales assistant in a store. Before my brothers death I was in University studying law but the debt and family circumstances meant I dropped out. I'm deeply, deeply unhappy but I'm void of all motivation.

I lost touch with most of my friends years ago. The year my brother died, I made very many mistakes socially. I lied and hurt my friends and the guilt still eats at me, but the punishment was being cut off and it's something I've learnt to live with. I have one friend, but she has a busy life.

The reason I'm posting is mainly cathartic, I've never shared this before and it's a slight relief. All in all, I'm officially falling apart. I'm severely self harming, but the cuts are in places no one see's. I've been doing this for well over a year and I have no idea why. At times when I get most upset, usually at least once a day, I find the pain calms me down. I've not suffered from a lack of appetitie, rather increased, but I feel absolutely disgusting, and ugly, and although eating makes me happy at the time the guilt afterwards is awful. I feel completely and utterly pointless. I'm a coward because the pain of seeing my Dad in his pain hurts me so much I avoid going round. I am wholly ignored by my boyfriend but I'm petrfied of being alone. I'm scared, lonely, and I'm finding it harder and harder to wake up each morning. I wish I could change. I don't know how. :(

Thank you so much for taking the time to read.

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Re: My Mental Health

Post by ennis81 » Wed Nov 24, 2010 11:10 am

Hey hun,

I'm so sorry to read all that you and your family have had to cope with, its a lot to go through at your age or any age for that matter

Firstly alot of what you have personally described about how you are feeling sounds like you are suffering with depression yourself (guilt, lack of motivation etc), I think you should go and see your doctor as you need proper help and possibly counselling to make you feel better.

You must tackle one problem at a time, and in time things can get better.

Have you tried discussing your relationship with your partner? Does he give you support?

I know things must seem terribly hard at the moment, but there are lots of good people here you can talk to and get advise from.

I hope i have helped a little xxxx

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Bel Bel
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Re: My Mental Health

Post by Bel Bel » Thu Nov 25, 2010 1:23 pm

I agree you must get help. Your problems are deep rooted and too complicated for us to help you in any significant way.
I think you have been hurt so much by so many things it is totally understandable you are hurting yourself but you know it's wrong and the fact you have come here shows you are ready to start making changes.
For now I think it would be best to stay with your b/f. It isn't perfect but as you say you would be lonely and right now you don't need to add to your problems. Once you are stronger you can deal with that issue whether it be sorting it or leaving him.
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