I feel so lost...

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I feel so lost...

Postby sez » Tue Dec 14, 2010 12:40 am

As I'm writing this I'm in tears... I've been reading the sticky posts on suicide etc and they have just made me realise how close I am to ending my life. It sounds so trivial, but me and my gf split up after 4 months, the way she did it was so heartless and made me feel so bad inside. As a 22 year old man I can't understand why it's been so hard to get over, or why it has affected me in the way it has. It's been just over a week and I am feeling no better, if anything I keep on feeling worse... I properly fell for this girl.

She was like my ray of sunshine in an otherwise fairly bleek world, and I found out she was cheating on me, she even said she didn't care to my face. I havn't been able to get my essay for college done in time as I havn't been able to concentrate, I can't focus on getting a job, I can't gather energy or motivation in myself anymore. It's like my life has lost it's momentum and I have no drive to move forward. Which is quite annoying, as I have a good family and people who care for me... I know this, but simply cannot find the will inside of myself to go on. I can't picture myself in 20-40 odd years having success, a house, a nice car, a family... I just want everything to be over and not have this gut wrenching feeling inside of me anymore...

The main thing that's stopping me at the minute is my little brother... he's only 15 yet he tries to help me feel better if see's me down, and he looks up to me so much too. In a way I don't want him to see as a broken person anymore, but I don't want him to have to deal with losing me at such a young age either. I feel guilty about having these thoughts, but I can't help but imagine doing something. I don't want to hurt my family and friends.

Why I'm even writing this I don't know... I suppose some words from people in a similar situation or who have been through what I'm feeling might help... I havn't even been able to stop crying writing this, like what the hell is wrong with me!?? I've always tried to be an upbeat person but I just feel so lost in life now...
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Re: I feel so lost...

Postby RagDoll » Wed Dec 15, 2010 4:51 pm

I'm off to a meeting in a mo, so sorry for short reply, but just wanted to reassure you that nearly every single one of us has felt like this at some point in our lives, and you DO get over it.

Breaking up with someone is heartbreaking. It can feel the same as grieving for someone and you just have to let yourself feel all the emotions you're feeling, knowing that one day, you will feel better. You just have to take it one day at a time.

Please try to keep some perspective too - you're only young, you weren't together than long and she cheated on you. Despite how strongly you feel, she can't be the one for you and someone else will come along eventually that will blow you away and make this girl seem insignificant in comparison.
We don’t see things the way they are; we see things the way we are
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Re: I feel so lost...

Postby snail » Wed Dec 15, 2010 9:22 pm

How are you feeling today, Sez?
How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.

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Re: I feel so lost...

Postby sez » Thu Dec 16, 2010 8:13 pm

I'm better Snail, thanks for asking. I got a PM from another member (yet to reply, but I will after this) and it put things into better perspective for me... pretty much on the same wavelength, and if they can keep going, so can I. My gf/ex e-mailed me saying sorry and how stupid she was... as she put it, we were going through a rough patch, and she sees that as the only reason for her doing what she did (it was just a kiss by the way, I believe her as I seen a text to a friend of hers saying the same... I see a kiss as cheating though, even if it is a mild form of it). I'm going to meet her and see what she has to say, and to say what I need to as well. By the way, my gut told me something was up cus she was being very weird with me, and vague about her night out that she kissed the guy. I looked at her phone as I had seen a text come through from a random name she never mentioned before, and I got a feeling it was about me... which, strangely enough, it was... intincts can be alot better than you would imagine sometimes. Wasn't right of me to look through the phone, but I was right on my hunch at the end of the day.

Things have just been so unsure for me lately, my direction in life is at the biggest crossroads I've faced so far and this tipped me over the edge. Though I seem to have caught myself thankfully, and I'm just trying to take each day with little tasks and goals to make myself feel better... I forgot how important it is to have goals in life. Due to being on dole from no job, and only having a one day a week part time course, things can get bery boring and I've noticed how lazy I have got. Starting a new exercise regime as well which should help. I realised after reading the thread on 'Singledom' that only I can make things work for ME in life, and that takes time and effort.

Thanks Ragdoll for your words too, they're helping me keep positive here. The e-mail I got has made me feel more up, but I'm not getting hopes up and taking things very slowly.
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Re: I feel so lost...

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Dec 17, 2010 11:51 am

Have you thought about voluntary work? It can be very uplifting knowing you're helping others. It also looks great on a CV, helps you meet other people, gives you a reason to get up and can often helps you see/get opportunities that wouldn't otherwise present themselves.
Glad you are feeling better, remember there is always the samaritans if your low and it's a time when you have no one else to call.
Take things slow if you are considering geting back with your girl, make her work for it.
Have you finished the essay, if not ask for a bit of extra time
I don't think manmy people know where there life is going at your age, it is totally normal. And for those older ones amongst us most of us can't honestly say we are where we thought we were going to be. Things change, we change and circumstances present themselves that throw you in a completely different dircetion.
All you can do for now is finish your course, keep applying for jobs and stop worrying too much about the future
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

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Re: I feel so lost...

Postby Tarantula » Sat Dec 18, 2010 12:32 am

Hey, I'm so glad my ongoing thread got a mention..!

It sounds like you're doing better and that's great. I would mirror what others have said: don't put pressure on yourself either way. I noticed that in your writing you judge yourself so much for what you feel. 'I feel bad - I'm so pathetic, why can't I get over this??' That is, or was, the gist, rather than just accepting how you feel, having self-awareness WITHOUT the added self-beat-up.

You can be wrong about what you say and/or what you do, but you are NEVER wrong about what you feel. By that I mean, emotions are neither right or wrong. All you can do is recognise how you feel about a thing, and decide - choose how to best process it. It's your choices that can be wrong, and by all means if you go through life consistently making the wrong choices then yes, maybe self criticism becomes necessary so that you can really identify what's compelling you to make those choices - but what you feel can never be wrong, so never ever judge yourself just for having feelings, even if they seem unnecessarily severe to you at the time. That's life, or that's emotions - they have a way of knocking us off our feet from time to time, and it can go either way.

Please bar in mind that we all fall behind from time to time. It's all a big learning curve, and you get to choose how this plays out. You can't control or change others - there's nothing you could've done to prevent the girl cheating (yes, I agree, kissing DOES constitute as cheating), but you CAN decide whether you wanna be that guy who hangs around afterwards. Which brings me nicely to my next point - make sure that you are being wholly self-honest at all times. It's tough, but it's in your longterm interests to decide if your feeling better is more or less based on the idea of meeting up with her/getting back together. Now I'm not saying that's the case - only you know what the reality is. But if it IS the case, and you're only setting yourself up for another fall, then I would say... Don't.

Be careful. This person didn't respect you or the relationship, and ironically (but not unfortunately), if you were to get back together it would show - in my opinion - a lack of self worth in that you think it's GOOD ENOUGH for you, and that matters because it's a turn off and would probably result, indirectly or otherwise, in her losing attraction and wandering off again anyway. I get that people make mistakes, but equally one doesn't slip and fall and end up kissing someone else, that takes planning and forethought and a knowing disregard. That said, I'm quite Nazi when it comes to anything cheating-related. Absolute zero tolerance is my approach no matter how facilitated, how drunk etc - it don't matter. I realise there are other schools of thought.

People always say 'don't worry someone'll come along later', and for a few people it probably is as simple as that, but generally I don't find this to be the case - or it is the case, but the person who comes along follows a similar trajectory to the last person in our lives. Water seeks its own level: if you don't wanna get cheated on, you gotta be the kind of person who exudes an aura of 'I'm not standing for that because I value myself higher'. But of course this is all very subjective and also depends on the morality of the other person. I reckon a big reason why you've been hit hard by this is that, 4 months in I'd imagine you're still full of all those floaty, cynically named 'honeymoon' feelings, and then oh, suddenly, it's over, never again, door shut. It hurts like hell, and it'll likely happen many more times than once in your life. That's why it's so important that you strive to make the right decisions in how you process the experience now. It pays dividends later.

Anyway, please try not to let anyone become the centre of your life ever again. Especially not after 4 months. You've said you have a good family and I feel for your brother (I have an older brother) - BUT that's okay, don't feel guilty. You're only human and we all fall behind sometimes. That said, only you can make the decisions here. As I was saying, you have a good family and I would imagine a fairly cool life other than the obvious. And you're so young - you're 22... And I'm 19, and I think we both need to realise how big the world really is. There's so much going on, all of the time, there's so many interests and activities and general THINGS to be a part of. I totally encourage anything along the volunteering lines in particular, but whatever. What do you wanna do with yourself? Who do you wanna be, what's your constitution, what's the master plan? I wanna learn another language, climb Kilimanjaro, write a book and become a black belt before my time here is done. But what does sez want to do? How can sez engage in life from now on so that the next time a girl happens, he'll be prepared to, by all means be emotionally present in the relationship BUT have enough of an invested interest in his own development to not let everything go to pot if it fails..?

My point in this mammoth response is this: you have a purpose on this Earth, and being devastated over a relationship, whilst an inevitable part of being a human being, is not it.
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Re: I feel so lost...

Postby sez » Sat Dec 18, 2010 4:27 am

Me and my ex met up tonight and had a long talk. We both said about things that annoyed us with regards what has happened with arguments before, and figured out a bit more about why it all happened. She said she needs time to think as she is worried about things going in a circle and ending up this way again. My view is that yes, things have happened but we know each others ways better from it, so will probably work better as a result. She said she feels a lot for me, but still is worried as her friends have been saying about if it goes the same way again... which is a worry for me to an extent as well, how do I know she won't cheat on me again? She even said to me that if I had done it then we'd be over full stop... I don't know why I'm not affected so much though, and I'm worried that should I show forgiveness for this, then I'll be walked over as I'll be seen as weak. We did end up just talking away and having a laugh eventually after some air clearing (that was really good, it just felt like our natural selves again and that's what I like most about her, we are both on such a similar level and get on so well despite the rubbish parts), then we ended up kissing suprisingly! Things a bit hot under the collar, but we didn't go further than heavy petting (folks in the house). To be honest it was very hard for us to keep off each other... makes me wonder if it's more just sex than relationship material us being together? It's quite complicated... and I've been left waiting for her to think again... my dad said I'm like a 'puppy on a lead'... maybe he can see something I can't... love is blind and all that jazz! But I duno, I just see something in her that pulls me in, I duno what it is.

....... I'll get back to you's on the rest later because this, at the minute, is frying my head and I can't even think about the other stuff! Feels like I'm more confused you know. Toast and tea then a much needed bed for some rest.
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Re: I feel so lost...

Postby sez » Sat Dec 18, 2010 2:34 pm

Back again, good nights rest was needed for my head! I got chattin to a friend away at uni I havn't spoke to in ages last night, he rang at about 3am and we chatted for 2 hours nearly, was a great head clearer. Anyways, I've decided that my ex cheated on me... if she did it once, she can do it again, and just cus we were going through a rough patch doesn't excuse it. She put the guys name under a different girl's name in her phone, was texting away at him whilst I was with her... nuf said. If we were to be in a relationship, I know my trust will have dropped for her and that stuff will play on my mind... it'll do me more harm than good. I am, however, meeting her tonight (for another sort of release more than anything) so I'm going to make it clear that as far a relationship goes, it won't happen. Though we do get along well, so we can be friends and maybe have some fun every now and again should the notion take us (if she's ok with that, then ok.. if not, the bye bye) I know some people wouldn't do that, and people may also see it as clinging on, but for me I'm ok with it that way and I'm not holding out hope for anything. I know what I want and that's nothing serious. It means I can focus on myself more! It's about time I started doing things for me to improve my future and my life as a whole.

Broken Chord your thread is actually very inspiring, especially seeing as you are only 19 still. Clearly you've had a lot of growing up to do at an earlier stage than most, but it is very commendable how you think. I get a little kick out of reading your posts when you realise something you need to do for yourself, I'm just sitting here thinking 'yeah, that's true, must do that' lol. Oh and Bel Bel thanks for your words too, managed to get my essay in, all be it with an extenuating circumstances form, but it's in! *pats self on back* :) I let this girl get in the way of my own things, I started to love her more than I love myself. One way I can put it that maybe you will understand is this... I made her my life, not PART of my life. See, I do an extreme sport as well, and I wrecked my equipment for it so have been out of it for a while now... nearly half a year! :/ It's the one thing that keeps my head clear in this small town, I can just disappear into the mountains and do some crazy stuff to take my mind off things and keep fit... I'm going to apply like mad for any work (voluntary too) and start saving up to get that part of my life rolling again. It's a massive part of me, my biggest passion as it's the one thing in life that I really excell at (apart from being naturally awesome of course! haha [that's just me, I was like that before the summer and when I met my ex, slightly cocky but in a fun way not an arrogant way, full of confidence and eager for life, and that's going to be me again!]).

What was draging me down was how things were left with me and my ex, it was so hurtful the way things ended. It made me feel worthless and everything that was a problem seemed so much bigger and unfixable because of it. But having talked to her and cleared the air, I feel better inside knowing that she really isn't completely heartless and does feel sorry for what she did. Not to have one up on her, but just to know that I havn't just been thrown to the side like a plastic bag full of dog turd. My sense of self worth is building quite rapidly now (all in the mind). Speaking of mind, I'm going to sort out having a counsellor in my life. I have my sport for my physical well-being (all in good time with saving for it of course), but I've never had something for my mental well-being. A counsellor will be good as it will give me an opportunity to talk about anything I have troubling me and get it sorted before I go off on a bad one and start thinking about doing silly things. Looking back on it, as much as I really felt like ending it, that was quite scary to be thinking that stuff, but I've managed to turn my head around to a more positive outlook. Thanks in no small part to you guys on here (especially Broken Chord's thread though, it really was a big inspiration).

So, I've got to find myself and be happy in myself again. Time for Sez to be his own ruler and to hell with anyone who stands in my way or doesn't accept me! I'm smiling as I write that lol, makes a welcome change! :)
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Re: I feel so lost...

Postby ennis81 » Mon Dec 20, 2010 11:43 am

Hi Sez,
So glad your feeling better, great advice to be had here :D
After a seriously rubbish day yesterday due to someone messing with my head, I felt quite down this morning, and broken cords post inspired me too.
My point in this mammoth response is this: you have a purpose on this Earth, and being devastated over a relationship, whilst an inevitable part of being a human being, is not it.
I love this :wink:
Thanks for cheering up my miserable monday :) :) XX
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Re: I feel so lost...

Postby chosenfew » Mon Dec 20, 2010 11:49 pm

Hi sex.

After Reading your post I think your better off without her. She's using an excuse of "we were going through a rough patch" aftr four months. That time is meant to be the honey moon period yet in this perfect relationship with someone you somewhat adore your having a 'rough patch' already?

I think you can do better than this girl. She's off out and kisses another man behind your back but she also gets his number? This worries me and should you. I'm glad you spoke to an old friend who seems to be making you see things more clearly which is really good. Listen to this friend coz they speak in good terms.

Stay strong and next year will be a better one without her :)

x
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