"Quarter life crisis" - sound familiar to anyone?

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"Quarter life crisis" - sound familiar to anyone?

Postby LME79 » Wed Dec 22, 2010 8:15 am

Hi all,

Long time no speak!

I'm in my early 30s, I have a fantastic boyfriend with whom I am very much in love, I live in a lovely part of London and I have a good job. It sounds like I have it all but for some reason I'm starting to question everything apart from the boyfriend part as our relationship is growing from strength to strength.

Living situation - I'm part of a flatshare and the flat itself is gorgeous as it's new build and very close to the centre of London. But I'm questioning this in the sense that I'm thinking I should be living alone as I no longer feel 100% comfortable, even though my flatmates are brilliant. But I'd just like for something to be MINE, if that makes sense.

Job - I work in the field that I've always wanted to and I've done well. But I'm now questioning this because I've been thinking about my early 20s and the stuff that I didn't do (one of them being travelling and maybe teaching abroad). I don't know why I've started thinking about that again because there was a reason I didn't do all that ... maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm not overly happy in the job I'm in (only been here for a few months so too early to anything drastic, probably).

I know this sounds really really selfish because I know I could be so much more worse off (hence the " in the subject title as I don't think I categorise it as a problem, per se) but I'm just wondering if anyone's ever had these feelings?
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Re: "Quarter life crisis" - sound familiar to anyone?

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Dec 22, 2010 12:20 pm

I think these thoughts are perfectly normal, especially as you aren't enjoying your job.

Is there any possibility to get your own place. I certainly think at your age that would feel like a great achievement

However don't do it if you want to travel or teach abraod as it just wouldn't make sense.

If you did do a job abroad where would your b/f fit in?

I think initially you need to think about changing jobs to see if you feel more happy if you do then work on getting a place of your own.

If the job change doesn't solve anything perhaps you need to explore the possiblities of working abroad for a bit.

You are still young enough to get out there and have some great experiences.

Either way don't ignore the nagging feelings they are likely to grow and become a monster if you don't get them under control by making necessary changes.
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Re: "Quarter life crisis" - sound familiar to anyone?

Postby LME79 » Thu Dec 23, 2010 8:50 am

Hi Bel Bel,

I don't think I was very clear - I'm not thinking about travelling or working abroad (still want to do the latter but not right now); these are just things that I thought of years ago and for some reason I'm now questioning whether I did the right thing in not pursuing them. For the old school PPers, you may remember that I interviewed for a role YEARS ago for a teaching role in Japan which I didn't get ... but now I'm thinking "could I have tried harder and applied to more companies?". Not that this matters really, but the thought is still there. Not a regret as such ... argh, can't explain it.

Renting a place of my own is doable but not a mortgage - I just don't have the money for a deposit. I've done calculations and I can afford to rent a place and save at the same time. I think I'll only be able to afford a mortgage until maybe my boyfriend and I decide to move in together but that's another topic for another time (i.e. isn't an issue).

My job ... I've only been there for a short while, as in a matter of months, therefore although I'm not happy at the moment, I don't want my CV to read that I upped and left quickly. My questioning about the job is probably more 'is this definitely the right career for me?'. Career wise, I'm not sure if I'm just chasing an ideal that may not exist. Hope that makes sense.

Basically, I've just reached 'that age' where I'm questioning practically everything that I've ever done. I just wanted to see if this was normal and if anyone else had experienced this.
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Re: "Quarter life crisis" - sound familiar to anyone?

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Dec 23, 2010 4:47 pm

Well I do think it's perfectly normal.

Just keep in mind whatever choices you made you can never go back and change them, they are done. However you can still fulfill any dreams you have in the future.

As your b/f seems to be "the one" then it may also be worth comforting yourself with the fact you may not have met him had you got hte Japanese position

Hope all this helps a bit

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Re: "Quarter life crisis" - sound familiar to anyone?

Postby sarahjane699 » Thu Dec 23, 2010 9:36 pm

I know what your saying LME79, I'm only 27 but I've started thinking lately if I had done things abit differenty when I was younger then I might be better off now.

Like you I always thought about working or studying abroad but never went through with it and I can't now as my other half has his own bussiness here and he would never want to leave and I've been stuck in a job I can't stand for 7years. but u know what, I have thought to myself recently; its never too late to do anything, life is too short to think about the past, think of the now and the future. Don't say what if, say what can I do. Maybe sit down one night and think what could you do to make your life better. change is the first step to feeling good. hope that helps :D
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Re: "Quarter life crisis" - sound familiar to anyone?

Postby retrochav » Fri Dec 31, 2010 2:52 am

Would it help to tell you that you arent alone in any respect of this post? Before i offer advice i will tell you about me at 25 and maybe you will feel i am talking from experiance.

By 25 i had raised 2 kids (my aunts, not my own), had a council flat, and a steady job and a boyfriend of 7 years who i loved dearly. Yet there was this terrible doubt in my mind. I was about to commence a nursing degree which i had given up to raise my cousins (7 years earlier), leaving Brighton and returning to London to do so. So at 25 i was in a job which i felt was below what i could have been doing, and in a home which wasnt about to get any better (once in a council flat its hell and high water to upgrade to a better area/bigger council flat - leave it and you can nearly always forget getting another).I was in a relationship which whilst i was happy there was an echoing voice saying "is this it? Is this as good as life will ever get?"

I lost a further 5 years in this situation. I began to hate my job, my home, and looked on everyone else as achieving things whilst i stood still. I couldnt see that i was actually setting impossibly high standards by thinking about where i should be rather than where i was. This desire to match my expecations and the "what if" chances that i hadnt took all stopped me taking the chances i needed.

like slidding doors i couldnt help but play the what if game until it tore me apart. The sad thing is that it is so much easier to think that the other options we didnt take would have made us feel so much more "complete". Try turning the negatives to the "what ifs". Suppose you had gone to Japan - what if you felt isolated and alone miles from friends and family? What if you had bought a home and lived in fear of rising interest rates? Or rented somewhere else where you had lousy flatmates/ struggled to cover the rent?

All the "what ifs" didnt happen for a reason - that is quite different from the "never could" scenario. You could look for oppertunities to teach in Japan at a later stage, you could rent or buy something better at a time when you feel more secure. You can change job/career when you feel the prospects are better out there (busts turn to booms and visa versa every five to six years)

I am now 35 and have finally laid the "what if" ghosts to rest. I cant change yesterday, but can influence now to change tommorrow, and you can do the same. Please dont waste time on such things, and i know thats easier said than done - aim to live your days instead of counting your years.
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Re: "Quarter life crisis" - sound familiar to anyone?

Postby LME79 » Fri Jan 07, 2011 10:17 pm

THanks all for your replies. I don't dwell on the 'what ifs' at the moment (and I intend to keep it that way!) and, retrochav, that's a great point about turning the negatives into 'what ifs' and I appreciate your sharing of experiences.

Today I decided to take the bull by the horns. I'm not happy in my current job - not the company, more the job itself - and I'm going to enquire about moving area in the same company on Monday. If nothing comes of that then I'll be proactive and look for a new one so I'm not festering and becoming bitter in a job where I'm unhappy. I've also drawn up a budget where I'ved worked out how much to save per month in order to move out on my own at the end of April. I've overestimated things like bills quite significantly so I'll be in a position to still have money in savings after moving. Emergency fund or something (or holiday fund ;)).

Screw my early 20s - that was then and this is now. Now that I've really thought about things and made a plan, I don't feel quite so bad!

Thanks again, everyone.
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Re: "Quarter life crisis" - sound familiar to anyone?

Postby retrochav » Sat Jan 08, 2011 4:26 pm

What a great post to find!

I must say that your positive actions have been inspirational to me. I hope things turn out well for you, and i have decided to set up a plan to save something each month too. Thats the great thing about quater life crisis - we usually have a bit more disposable income than when we were young!!

Wish you all the best and please keep us posted
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gaRe: "Quarter life crisis" - sound familiar to anyone?

Postby Enigma » Sun Jan 09, 2011 4:43 am

Hello you! I remember leaving a drunken "happy new year" message on your mobile's voicemail many years ago :D

After your initial post in this topic I wrote down "own space" and "sabbatical" as key words to focus on. I mainly thought having your own space was really important to you.

I was going to suggest that, depending on the flexibility of your employer, you could request a break from the role to go abroad. A colleague of mine that had only been employed for about two years was recently permitted a sabbatical, to take unpaid leave to stay in Australia for provisionally three months. I don't think after her time abroad she'll want to return to her role at the company, but that's unrelated to this.

In your opening post you said you are being selfish because you are in a comfortable, safe and secure situation but are still not feeling contented. I don't think you should put yourself down by saying that your feelings are less valid because you are in a more comfortable situation than other people. It's really good that you are aware of the other people out there, but this is about you.

We are similar ages and I think it is normal at this time to be questioning and reassessing things. You have realised that the big issue is your job role and you are being proactive to fix this. The big positive I see is nowhere have you expressed any dissatisfaction about your partner. You are happy and secure in your relationship with him.

Like me you know you want your own space, to feel comfortable, safe and secure. All the best.
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Re: "Quarter life crisis" - sound familiar to anyone?

Postby reckoner » Mon Jan 10, 2011 8:56 pm

Yes, it is very familiar. I reckon I could have an age crisis whenever I want.

retrochav said it all, it sounds you're about to make your life better. I only want to add that, in my humble but correct opinion ( :lol: ), regardless of whether the choices we've made were 'right' or 'wrong', they are what you are. It's up to us whether we spin a tragedy, comedy, destiny or whatever out of it.

I thought for ages I'd wasted a significant amount of my life working in camera shops. I used to be jealous of the corporate types I began to work with who'd jumped straight from uni to a high-flying marketing career at United Biscuits or Proctor and Gamble or whatever, and were younger and more senior than me. They could really walk the walk and talk the talk in a way I could only poorly imitate. Now, I appreciate and value the route I took, and that I'm not that corporate type. For 'better' or 'worse', all those choices and decisions you've made and are making are part of what makes you unique, so all your experiences are valuable.

Incidentally, I'm 35 and have been travelling for nearly two years, something I'd never have had the resources for back in my twenties, either financially or emotionally, and I wouldn't be (loving what I'm) doing now if I hadn't put up with a career I mainly hated for seven years. I'm not saying you should go travelling (you should definitely go travelling), just that it's never too late to do whatever you would love to do. I'm making a list of things I've learnt to do since turning 30: skiing, snorkelling and swimming so far.

I'd really recommend the film What The Bleep Do We Know. It's a bit cheesy and annoying in places, but it might inspire you to do... what you're already doing! :D
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