I cant stand this feeling

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I cant stand this feeling

Postby rufio89 » Mon Mar 28, 2011 12:03 pm

I hate being so self-pitying but I’m just really struggling at the moment, it’s been a lot of years since I remember being this low ?

Since splitting up with my boyfriend, I’ve been (understandably) pretty up and down, but I’ve been struggling with my feelings, I think mainly because I’m not upset about splitting up with him. I don’t miss him and although it makes me feel a bit guilty to say it, honestly, I’m just glad to be rid of him. It’s not his fault, he’s a nice guy, but the whole situation was just draining me, and if I’m completely honest, I don’t think I was ever really, properly in love with him.

So I don’t know what’s causing me to feel this way. For those who don’t know, we were living together, so I’ve had to move to a one bedroom flat, but again I’m not upset about that. I love my little flat and I love living by myself. I’m trying really hard to keep myself busy and I meet up with a friend most nights in the week, or I’ve been going to the gym a lot, which I’m enjoying and I’m feeling a lot fitter.

I just cant seem to lift myself out of this ditch. At the moment, I wake up in the morning and nearly everyday I just want to cry. I find myself walking to work holding back tears, and while it does usually get a bit better during the day, some days it just gets worse and worse, (some days I’ve been having to go off and cry in the toilets) and even if it gets better I seem to be right back to it the next day.

I’m feeling really lonely, and isolated. It doesn’t matter how much (or little) time I spend with other people, or what I’m doing, I still just feel hollow and lonely all the time. I’m starting to question my existence in a big way – like nothing I do matters, and I’m never going to amount to anything. I can spot these sort of thoughts in other people a mile off and I’d send them right to the doctors, but I just don’t want to go. I’ve had counselling and I just didn’t find it helpful and I don’t want my mood chemically altering.

I really thought I was stronger than this but I just cant seem to pull myself out of it, it’s been weeks and weeks now and it’s just getting worse. I just HATE my job as well and I get up in them morning with this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I’ve been applying and applying for jobs, but there’s not a lot going and no-ones getting back to me.

I can just feel myself getting more and more withdrawn – I’m finding it really hard to talk to people, to make conversation and enjoy myself and I’m REALLY trying to get myself out there doing things, but it just doesn’t get any easier. If anything I feel like it’s getting harder ?

I don’t know what advice I’m hoping for really, I’m just really, really struggling at the moment ? I’d forgotten how bad this can feel.
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Re: I cant stand this feeling

Postby Skarlet » Mon Mar 28, 2011 1:15 pm

hey Rufio,

Really sorry to hear that you are feeling this down. I know you say that you don't want to go to the doctors, but maybe the counselling you had just wasn't quite right for you, and you can find someone who does work for you and get to why you are feeling this low.

It's not a matter of being strong, you know deep down that you have had an tough year, and its natural for it to get on top of you. I don't have enough time to post any more, will come back later on.

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Re: I cant stand this feeling

Postby LME79 » Mon Mar 28, 2011 7:30 pm

Hey Rufio,

I was (well, am) going to post a thread quite similar to this. I have been in the same sort of situation for, goodness, I don't know how long as it's crept up on me all of a sudden. The common link that we have is work - we're not happy in our jobs and if you think about it, it's not that weird that it may have this horrible affect on us socially - we spend more than half our lives there which means if that part is unhappy then it's bound to affect our personal lives.

I can't say too much more as I'm not quite right myself but hopefully this will give you some assurance that you're not on your own in feeling like this. I really hope things pick up for you soon.

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Re: I cant stand this feeling

Postby captainf » Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:10 pm

Hm sounds like you have alot on.
Perhaps you're just adapting to being in your own place without your boyfriend? Like maybe you are happier without him but maybe you're just getting used to living alone again without having that someone there with you.
The job front is a frustrating situation at the moment. What websites are you using? Have you ever tried gumtree? Thats normally a good site for jobs and you can often find things on there not listed anywhere else. Hopefully you will get lucky. All you have to do is just keep applying but try not to get too focused on getting a particular job just incase you dont get called up for an interview. Just apply for things and try not to think too much about them afterwards. Eventually something will come up.

Do you have any idea what the core problem is? I know you speak of feeling isolated but is this because you dont have many friends that are close? If so, I must confess I feel like this at the moment - when me and Emma broke up it was 2 weeks before any of my friends even bothered to offer a 'sympathetic' ear, and even when they did they werent the friends I was expecting to be there for me. Does your gym do any member evenings or anything like that? It might be a good thing to attend if they do as it could be a means to making new friends and relationships.
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Re: I cant stand this feeling

Postby Meep » Sun Apr 03, 2011 3:24 pm

Rufio..I used to be registered on this site a long time ago and was just browsing today and re-registered because what you have said really touched me and made me want to reach out to you.

I have been where you are and intermittently am still there...having also broken up with a boyfriend with whom I was living and then 'getting on with things,' in the sense of outwardly appearing to get on with things whilst inwardly crumbling - at least this appears to be what you are describing.

You have to know how brave you are to be putting on this faccade of meeting up with people most nights and going to the gym etc...its so easy just to close everything out and thats almost what the world expects. People in your life would probably be being more supportive if you were acting outwardly how you feel inside but they are most likely just very impressed by your resolve and determination.

I don't think it would be altogether a BAD thing to see a doctor or counsellor, however, your reaction appears to be a normal grief reaction (which I think is fine when responding to a break up - it is like grieving in a way! How long have you been broken up for?). I think you just have to hold onto the knowledge that you have been strong enough to make these steps towards your future in spite of everything that has happened and so you are strong enough to come out the other side with your head held high..and you will, poppet! Time is a great healer and you will adjust to your new life; especially when you see all the job opportunities there are available - the world is your oyster!

As time passes; hurt eases and you adjust to your new path in life but every so often we do stumble. I'm having a stumbling day today where I just yearn for my old life which was easy, but satisfaction is gained from getting through those days which seem impossible.

Take care and don't beat yourself up for feeling this way.
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Re: I cant stand this feeling

Postby rufio89 » Wed Apr 13, 2011 6:30 pm

I just cant stand these f-ing mood swings. Ill be fine one minute and the next im in floods of tears and i have no idea what's happened to upset me or why Im so upset.

I dont know what to do, I'm feeling totally lost and alone, I dont know how to deal with this.
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Re: I cant stand this feeling

Postby snail » Wed Apr 13, 2011 6:45 pm

PP is always here, Rufio :grouphug:
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: I cant stand this feeling

Postby brendo » Thu Apr 14, 2011 12:08 am

Hi Rufio,

You're definitely going through a rough patch at the minute and I think you need to appreciate that fact a little more. You ARE a lot stronger then you give yourself credit for, believe me. Its ok to feel lonely, stressed, sad and a little isolated right now. You're going through a range of emotions and various situations all at once and there is very few people who could equate fully with you on what you're going through and how to cope.

I think you're putting far too much pressure on yourself at the moment - you seem to want a good job, to forget about your past and get on with your life right now. You want to pull yourself out of this rut and stop feeling bad INSTANTLY. But its not that simple. Healing takes time. You need to give yourself time.

You've underplayed the impact breaking up with your boyfriend has had on you - you may not have been in love with him, but there is still the absence of a close and intimate friend in your life. On top of that you're now living alone which is isolating in itself. This has affected you and you need to recognise this and know that is ok to be going through all that you are going through right now.

Can I add something here without sounding like a fruity counsellor? You need to take the time to learn to love yourself right now. You need to look at yourself as if you were a child that you were caring for. You would do everything and anything to ensure that child's contentment. You would do whatever that child wanted to be happy. You would surround them with love and acknowledge any pain they were going through. Take a moment and listen to yourself. What do you really need right now but are afraid to do? Is it possible that you need to just walk away from your job and risk being unemployed for a month or more? Would you be prepared to do that? Would you be happier in that situation? Or maybe you could take a leave of absence from work for a short while. Would being out of work help you refocus your efforts to find another job? Have you tried alternate methods of job seeking such as networking, submitting cv's in person and pitching yourself on the spot? Perhaps you want to look at trying out a slightly different field to the one you're working in now? If that's the case then know that it's ok to change. Obviously, I don't know what you're thinking , so only you can answer these questions yourself.

You're not prepared to consult a counsellor but what about reading up a little on the subject instead? I'd recommend anything by Tony Humphrey's, he's a pretty level headed guy. He's got books and cd's available to buy online, not sure if his stuff is available in many shops.

Right now, you're in a tough place. It's gonna take a while to get out of this so allow yourself time. Tell yourself its ok to be here and its ok to feel the way you feel. You ARE strong, you're surviving the best you know how right now and I think you've done a great job to come this far. You're getting regular exercise which is a great start for feeling better. Be sure and eat well too. A meditative or breathing exercise cd would be a good addition to your efforts as a daily time out and calming exercise if you'd be open to that?

Finally don't loose patience with yourself, you're mood swings are a result of the pressure you're putting yourself under to over-perform and rescue yourself from the dark place you're in right now. You DO know how to deal with this and that is one step at a time. Stand back and give yourself room to breathe. It will get better! Don't question you're existence at all, you have so much to offer the world and you know it! You're not alone, we're always here online to read and respond to you. Take care.
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” -Albert Einstein
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Re: I cant stand this feeling

Postby get1 » Fri Apr 15, 2011 11:21 am

hi, i can totally sympathise. i did not realise how depressed i was until i got better. you should see your gp in the first instance.
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Re: I cant stand this feeling

Postby HelenAshby » Sun May 20, 2012 11:27 am

brendo wrote:Hi Rufio,

You're definitely going through a rough patch at the minute and I think you need to appreciate that fact a little more. You ARE a lot stronger then you give yourself credit for, believe me. Its ok to feel lonely, stressed, sad and a little isolated right now. You're going through a range of emotions and various situations all at once and there is very few people who could equate fully with you on what you're going through and how to cope.

I think you're putting far too much pressure on yourself at the moment - you seem to want a good job, to forget about your past and get on with your life right now. You want to pull yourself out of this rut and stop feeling bad INSTANTLY. But its not that simple. Healing takes time. You need to give yourself time.

You've underplayed the impact breaking up with your boyfriend has had on you - you may not have been in love with him, but there is still the absence of a close and intimate friend in your life. On top of that you're now living alone which is isolating in itself. This has affected you and you need to recognise this and know that is ok to be going through all that you are going through right now.

Can I add something here without sounding like a fruity counsellor? You need to take the time to learn to love yourself right now. You need to look at yourself as if you were a child that you were caring for. You would do everything and anything to ensure that child's contentment. You would do whatever that child wanted to be happy. You would surround them with love and acknowledge any pain they were going through. Take a moment and listen to yourself. What do you really need right now but are afraid to do? Is it possible that you need to just walk away from your job and risk being unemployed for a month or more? Would you be prepared to do that? Would you be happier in that situation? Or maybe you could take a leave of absence from work for a short while. Would being out of work help you refocus your efforts to find another job? Have you tried alternate methods of job seeking such as networking, submitting cv's in person and pitching yourself on the spot? Perhaps you want to look at trying out a slightly different field to the one you're working in now? If that's the case then know that it's ok to change. Obviously, I don't know what you're thinking , so only you can answer these questions yourself.

You're not prepared to consult a counsellor but what about reading up a little on the subject instead? I'd recommend anything by Tony Humphrey's, he's a pretty level headed guy. He's got books and cd's available to buy online, not sure if his stuff is available in many shops.

Right now, you're in a tough place. It's gonna take a while to get out of this so allow yourself time. Tell yourself its ok to be here and its ok to feel the way you feel. You ARE strong, you're surviving the best you know how right now and I think you've done a great job to come this far. You're getting regular exercise which is a great start for feeling better. Be sure and eat well too. A meditative or breathing exercise cd would be a good addition to your efforts as a daily time out and calming exercise if you'd be open to that?

Finally don't loose patience with yourself, you're mood swings are a result of the pressure you're putting yourself under to over-perform and rescue yourself from the dark place you're in right now. You DO know how to deal with this and that is one step at a time. Stand back and give yourself room to breathe. It will get better! Don't question you're existence at all, you have so much to offer the world and you know it! You're not alone, we're always here online to read and respond to you. Take care.


I just wanted to say that, although this post was not meant for me, it has helped me. I don't know if the recipient ever read it - did she return to the forum?
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Re: I cant stand this feeling

Postby snail » Sun May 20, 2012 4:38 pm

Hi again Helen
Yes, Rufio is a regular on here and lasted posted yesterday.
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Re: I cant stand this feeling

Postby HelenAshby » Sun Jun 17, 2012 5:24 pm

snail wrote:Hi again Helen
Yes, Rufio is a regular on here and lasted posted yesterday.


I wonder why she hasn't come back to this thread then. Perhaps she is feeling better and doesn't want to revisit how she felt back in March. I thougt Brendo's response was terrific, and I would hate Rufio to not have the benefit of it.

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Re: I cant stand this feeling

Postby rufio89 » Mon Jun 18, 2012 9:24 am

Hi Helen,

I thought I would update:

I think things got a lot better for me. It was a rough summer really, I lost a close family member so shortly after this post, I had to deal with that, but I think things got better for a while. Around Christmas time I started struggling again and DID go to the doctor, but they could only refer me to a counsellor during working hours so I didnt end up going.

If I'm honest, there was a guy on the scene at the time I posted this, who came back on the scene around Christmas, who I didnt mention in my post, but I think he was having a massive negative impact on me.

Currently I'm not at my best again, I seem to go in cycles of a few weeks or months, but I'm certainly not as bad as I was last March. There's been a lot of stress again lately, but that's all starting to settle down now and I'm starting to feel much stronger. I'm trying to put more things in place to protect myself when I feel down.

I'd also like to thank everyone for their responses last year, I was too much of a mess to respond at the time I think.

I think you're putting far too much pressure on yourself at the moment - you seem to want a good job, to forget about your past and get on with your life right now. You want to pull yourself out of this rut and stop feeling bad INSTANTLY. But its not that simple. Healing takes time. You need to give yourself time.

I think this is something I'm doing again. I'm in a different job now but I'm not happy with it and am still looking for work, but obviously the job market hasnt got any better since last year.

You've underplayed the impact breaking up with your boyfriend has had on you - you may not have been in love with him, but there is still the absence of a close and intimate friend in your life. On top of that you're now living alone which is isolating in itself. This has affected you and you need to recognise this and know that is ok to be going through all that you are going through right now.

I think I adjusted quite well to living on my own. I have a housemate now because I was short on cash but I do really really miss living on my own. If he moves out, I wont be getting anyone in to replace him. But I did miss having someone in my life I think, I like being in a relationship and I was lonely being single I think. (although Im single now and pretty happy about it! :) )
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