Child sexual abuse (explicit content)

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Child sexual abuse (explicit content)

Postby Nail Queen » Sun May 08, 2011 11:26 pm

Wow I haven't been on this forums for a very long time but stumbled back across them and really need to get something of my chest so here goes
I am writing this because I am being eaten up inside and just need to let it out, I'm sorry if it offends anyone.
I was sexually abused by my grandfather for as far as I know my entire childhood, I don't remember when it started but it stopped when I was about 17 when I just wouldn't allow us to be alone together . My earliest memory I think I was about 8 and I remember it feeling normal so I can only presume this is because it had been going on many years before this. It would happen every time I saw him which was very frequently. He would perform oral sex on me, kiss my entire body, get me to perform oral sex on him, try to penetrate me with his fingers which used to really hurt and twice he tried to rape me but stopped when I started crying. When I was 11 we were in the garage and he had pulled my top up to expose my back and stomach and was continually kissing this area, my grandmother walked in on this and screamed his name, but that was it, it was never mentioned to me and the abuse did not stop. I thought when she found out it would stop but when it didn't this just confirmed to me that I am completely worthless, that I deserved what happened and that telling someone wouldn't help. When he was abusing me I just used to feel numb like it wasn't happening to me but then he would make me orgasm so I must have been enjoying it, how disgusting does that make me to enjoy being abused I am disgusting. After he had made me orgasm I would push him away and he would stop but I just felt so disgusting and dirty that I wanted this to happen to me. When we were alone I would even flirt with him to make him do it and wanted him to make me orgasm and please him, I disgust myself I don't deserve to be alive. When I was 17 the self loathing it was causing became too much I and didn't allow us to be alone together. I thought I would start to feel better but I just felt worse, the fact that I could have stopped it all along and I didn't just makes me a disgusting freak I even miss the attention. I'm 25 now and only lost my virginity last year, I had 2 one night stands and didn't enjoy it at all I just wanted them to hurry up and ejaculate so it would stop, I tried to enjoy it but I ended up just lying back and letting them do what they want. I don't know why I thought I would enjoy it I don't deserve to why would anyone love me I'm disgusting and hideous. I can't stand the idea of trying to have sex again but sometimes I just get so horny that I end up masturbating but when I orgasm the same feelings of disgust and self hatred come back, I am even getting horny writing about my abuse, its like I want it to still be happening I am disgusting and horrible.
I have hardly any friends and am currently suffering from depression, but most people don't know anything is wrong because I just turn on the clown act and they think I'm fine, but when I'm alone I can't stop thinking about death and often end up self harming, but I'm useless so I can't even do that properly. I was seeing a psychologist but stopped because I just felt so guilty taking up her time, I know that there are people far worse off than me so I shouldn't complain and I don't deserve her help, but somewhere deep down I guess I think I might deserve a chance of having a life. But how will it ever be possible I am horrible no one likes me and why should they, when people try to get close to me I just push them away, I hate physical contact and I fear anyone finding the real me and realising how horrible I am and not want to be my friend any more. So this means I'm not really close to anyone I spend most of my time alone and when I am with friends I just keep thinking they don't really want me there and are just using me.
Is it possible to change, to not be horrible any more to deserve to have friends and a life and maybe even a boyfriend?
Thank you to anyone that has taken the time to read this (I know its annoyingly long) and maybe even commented
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They were not listening, They're not listening still, Perhaps they never will!
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Child sexual abuse (explicit content)

Postby Skarlet » Sun May 08, 2011 11:36 pm

Hi there,

This is a massively complicated issue, and there are going to be people with much better advice than me. But i just wanted to state, that you need to forgive yourself. There wasn't anything you could do to stop it, and the fact that you orgasmed does not mean that you enjoyed it or wanted or that you are disgusting. Please go back to getting help, your issues and problems are just as important as anyone else's. You deserve the freedom to enjoy your life without this guilt holding you down.

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Re: Child sexual abuse (explicit content)

Postby brendo » Mon May 09, 2011 1:29 am

Hey,

After reading your post, I just want to say that my heart goes out to you. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for!!

You are a clear communicator and a logical thinker, therefore you are already well equipped to tackle these issues within the right supportive environment. I'm not going to paint a rosy picture here and say that its going to easy. Its not. But you have the will and the hunger for change and that is a brilliant start.

The first and most important change I would recommend is that you start seeing a psychologist again. I understand your guilt for taking up her time as I have thought the same with my own counsellor in the past. But you must try and remember that this is her job and that it is your mental health that is the top priority in your life right now. Don't be afraid to ask for and even demand help sometimes. Your grandmother failed to help you in the past but you need to help yourself now.

I suspect that deep down you realise you didn't enjoy being raped - your orgasms were a natural reaction to your body being stimulated; your free will and independent thinking were not at all linked to these reactions. You were a child when all this started, you knew no different.

You are not a freak either. Granted, you have developed some unusual associations with sex and orgasm that need addressing and that is why you really should go back to seeing a psychologist. No one here is qualified or experienced enough to help you affect real change in your life.

I hope you will stop self harming too. You probably weren't successful at ending it all because deep down you know your true worth, how much life still has to offer and how much you want to be part of that. And it HAS so much to offer you. You are worth so much despite what you might think :)

Also, it's ok to be vulnerable. You had people let you down in the past and its difficult to let anyone back in again, I get that. But I think you'd be surprised just how many good and genuine people there are out there who want nothing more than to love and support their friends no matter what. You will find them once you've stopped convincing yourself how horrible you are. I know so little about you and already I like you. Others will too, maybe some already do and you can't recognise that?

Of course it is possible to change. You will need help and guidance along the way so don't hesitate to ask for it. You are not now nor were you ever 'horrible' and you deserve everything life has to offer you

Finally, just one last thing: maybe it's time to adopt the L'Oreal saying 'Because I'm worth it'!! (if you want to do the hair flick at the same time, then go ahead by all means :P )
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” -Albert Einstein
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Re: Child sexual abuse (explicit content)

Postby retrochav » Wed May 11, 2011 5:37 am

It is really common in abused children to suffer the effects of guilt and somehow feel responsible for the abuse itself. As a previous post said you are a logical thinker so lets look at the problem logically as opposed to emotionally:

* As a child you loved your grandfather. There would be no reason not to, the role is like a second protective father, a loving male figure in our lives.
* When he abused you, it muddled everything. We are conditioned to love family memebers, they are supposed to love and protect us. Therefore anything they do must be right and for our own welfare and welbeing. Yet somehow it feels wrong, children arent emotionally equipped to cope with sexual contact and the feelings afterwards. Physically children arent developed to cope with this either, hence discomfort - which futher causes problems - why does someone loving want to hurt us?
* When love for a trusted family memeber collide with abuse, we partly want to make that family memeber happy as we are conditioned to, partly want it to stop as we instinctively feel its wrong and partly feel curious about it - can it be wrong if its a family memeber? It doesnt always hurt, so could it mean it feels okay?

Then we reach adulthood. Aware that it was abusive, it shatters us. We try to make sense of it and ask what we could have done differently. Yet here is the key to the problem. We are looking back as adults, who away from the abuse have grown stronger. Why didnt we fight back, tell someone, shout no? Loosing sight of the FACTS that we were children, unsure of what abuse means, how to stop it, if to stop it, if it would mean family would hate us and not believe us. Therefore we reason as adults that we must have colluded in it, that other family memebers believed we deserved it (which can happen, but is extremely rare to have two abusive parent figures together) and therefore we are tainted and guilty.

The way out of this is to split childhood feeling from adult feeling. You wouldnt consider yourself worthless because as a baby you couldnt look after yourself, or as a child you didnt have a full time job or own your own home. In the same vein - you couldnt look after yourself when abused within a family - where can you run to?

As for your grandmother, it is likely that she convinced herself that she had got it wrong. Abusers are world class manipulaters, and your grandfather probably acted disgusted with her for even thinking he would abuse you. Her shocked shouting of his name tells us all we need to know. If she really thought you deserved abuse, then he wouldnt be sneaking about. She wouldnt have been shocked to see it. (Had she been an abuser too, she would have probably joined in) Clearly she was a loving grandmother who would have been horrified to know what was really going on - and horrified at her husband - not with you.

Ideally, you will seek counselling for this. Possibly you will press charges as he has broken the law - remeber that if it were possible for some children to "be dirty and worthless" then the law wouldnt make child abuse illegal. Society says that all children have a right to grow up without sexual molestation and there arent any exceptions.

With a talking therapy, you will begin to understand that as a child you played no part in the abuse, beyond being a victim. As an adult you will being to see that you have a right to enjoy mutual and consental sex with a partner and that isnt based on being a passive doll and having things done to you. I hope you will at least consider the reasurring help of a proffessional.

good luck
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Re: Child sexual abuse (explicit content)

Postby Nail Queen » Fri May 13, 2011 1:36 am

Hi
Thank you so much for the replies , it means a great deal to me to receive such supportive responses. I can see where you are all coming from but the trouble is even the most logical of minds can take all the facts and come up with the wrong answer, plus I am beyond stubborn so my brain fights of any any ideas that don't fit into its understanding. ](*,)
I have been reading peoples stories of abuse online and it terrifies me how much and for how long people can be affected by abuse, it makes me wonder if it is truly possible to move past it and on with your life?
Some websites say as many as 1 in 4 girls will encounter some form of sexual abuse during their childhood, but their not all in therapy, why can some people get on with their lives and others can't? I mean my life so far would seem like a walk in the park to some people, yet they are getting on with their lives, so I feel like I'm just being pathetic and should just "get over it", but at the same time I feel so confused.
I am going to try and see a psychologist again, the one I was seeing before at my gp surgery is going on maternity leave and isn't being covered so I have to go back to my gp and get re-referred to the psychology service to try and see someone elsewhere , or my old psychologist said I could be referred to the secondary psychology treatment service for more long term work into my difficulties, not entirely sure I'm ready or capable of baring my soul, its one thing writing it down but to actually talk about it seems nearly impossible. I feel so stupid for not going back to my psychologist, now I can't see her anymore I realise I actually felt quite comfortable talking to her, well not comfortable I really struggled to open up to her, but I opened up to her more than I ever had before and the thought of having to start again with a new psychologist is terrifying, I really don't manage change well!

Thanks again for your replies
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Re: Child sexual abuse (explicit content)

Postby retrochav » Fri May 13, 2011 3:22 am

If writting it down helps, why not write it and show it to the therapist? If nothing else its a way to communicate your feelings.

Also, dont get to hung on website statistics. No one really knows how many women, and men, out there have been abused/being abused. It seems to be quite high because at last people are actually talking about it rather than existing in silence. I sure as hell dont believe anyone simply gets on with their lives unaffected - far more likely that they have just got good at drowning the memmories out....usually meaning that the torment catches up one day.

There is no magic wand to make the pain and hurt go away, but it can be faded to more copable memmories through therapy and the constant affirmation that no one deserves or wants abusive situations in their lives.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Re: Child sexual abuse (explicit content)

Postby Tarantula » Thu May 19, 2011 2:09 pm

Is it possible is it possible???????

Hello Nail Queen. I'm a child sexual abuse survivor and I'm here to tell you that it is DEFINITELY possible to move on and lead a fulfilling, dignified, HAPPY life.

I read your post when I was doing exams, and thought I would write back when I had the time. Your story is very, very similar to mine with the only immaterial differences being that my abuser was my father... And the massive difference that at 15 I told my mother and she told my brothers who DID SOMETHING TO STOP IT. They told the police and a year later he even got a conviction, which in rare in cases of this type (difficult to prove etc).

So I guess that's what sets us apart. Let me tell you I can TOTALLY understand why you feel contorted with feelings of guilt, shame and self-loathing, and why your grandma not doing anything to stop it reinforced those impressions in your mind. Oh, I understand. I know how difficult it is to speak out and how when people say 'it's not your fault', those words kinda wash over and don't sink in. Even if you understand it intellectually (he was an adult, you were a child, he had authority), acknowledging it on an emotional level is so much harder, isn't it?

Sweetheart you've gotta realise that absolutely every negative feeling you have about your abuse is purely a result of it, and not a result of some overriding moral mandate which you've in any way betrayed. What I'm saying is, feeling guilty is part of the abuse itself. It's all a big mirage because - let's face it - it's not difficult to manipulate the mind of a child.

As for enjoying it. I know exactly what you mean, and the same is true of my abuse. It's such a sickening contrast, because whilst my mind may have been saying no, my body was saying yes. Do you know, my own abuse only started because I literally ASKED for it? I asked my father to touch me where I had started touching myself, because I liked it. And that's all there was to it. I liked it. What else? I didn't understand, I was only a kid

and THAT'S THE POINT!!! You were ONLY A CHILD. Even when you got older, as I did, by then it was all so old hat wasn't it? If it's happened once, it's happened a million times so what difference does it make by then? I went back and forth between the mindset of 'no point stopping now' to 'this is disgusting, he's disgusting, I'm disgusting, we're as bad as each other but I don't wanna do this anymore.'

Believing that you are as blameable as the abuser is PART OF the abuse, it's part of the downright brainwashing that occurs when our physical boundaries are totally ignored when we're a child. You've got to stop outside of yourself and realise that. You didn't tell anyone because you'd been 'programmed' not to, as you were so very sure that everyone would hate you and see you as some kind of dirty prostitute, and it boils my blood that your own grandma reinforced that belief by not doing anything.

Why didn't she? Well. Because she's equally as dysfunctional as your abuser. She's part of the dysfunctional makeup that is your family background. It's very sad.... But it's not your fault. You were born into this unit, you didn't create it. Who knows how far back it goes? Maybe your abuser was himself abused in some way. There are loads of theories about what makes someone sexually abuse their own family. I personally think it's just the epitome of a severely broken value structure... Mixed in with fundamental needs not being met... Mixed in with a bit of Freud. But my point is, whatever it is, it's NOT YOUR FAULT. Yes, now I'm saying those words, and I mean it, because it happened to me and I've come to realise the truth. And that means, so can you.

Yes my circumstances following the abuse were better than yours, but all the same I still had to make a decision somewhere along the line, between following the life that my childhood prescribes me and becoming a tragic statistic (and who could blame me?) or going against the current entirely and trying my utmost to put the past behind me.

You never had a choice as a child but you do have choices now. You CAN overcome this, it IS possible, you DESERVE to be happy, happiness is your BIRTHRIGHT and there isn't some God or overlord up there who's looking down on you as a dirty, perverted thing; I think it's safe to say that soceity is entirely on the side of the victim, and that's YOU. You are a VICTIM, NOT a criminal. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Even enjoying it! Even the flirting! Even the instigating of your own abuse! That was all part of the process, don't get locked into thinking that because you asked for it, you must be culprit. No. In any other case that might be true, but when there's a child involved.... No. Just no. Your body is physically designed to perceive certain sensations as sexual pleasure irrespective of how or by whom it is being received. That's natural, that's normal. Being a child who doesn't understand the full implications of what they're asking for is normal.

See you've carried all this weight of responsibility on your shoulders, which a child should never have to deal with. You probably never really felt like a child, so find it hard to accept that you were ever not responsible for your choices. But as a child, you have none. All you want to do is play and eat yummy food and if something feels nice, you naturally want more of it and it's just as simple as that.

... I also want to applaud your bravery for disclosing to us on PP. Notice how absolutely no one has said 'ew, you're right, you ARE disgusting' - because it's not true!!! And you don't have to be a survivor to know that, you just have to be a normal, reasonably-adjusted human being - which your family were not. A few members of mine didn't believe me or did, but didn't wanna accept it, so I cut them out of my life completely. If ANYONE ever questions my abuse or questions it's purely devastating nature, or questions my innocence in it, I will cut them out of my life. Those people do not deserve to be in my life. They way I see it, condoning the abuse of a child is as bad as abusing them yourself.

Look, at 17 I told my story on television and created a website to hammer the point home that we survivors suuuuuure can go on to lead lives of excellence. I also shared my story in Cosmopolitan magazine and spoke about it on the radio. My angle has been to persuade current victims to speak out about what is happening to them, as well as to reassure past victims that they were wholly innocent and thus begin the process of dissolving the massive amount of guilt that needs to be addressed.

Please go on my website at [deleted for internet security reasons!!!] The point is, it happened to me so I know the feelings all too well. Sometimes I still have nights where all I can do is think about it, and I get very upset. I don't think it will ever leave you completely, but I'm happier now than ever - five years on. Since putting the abuse itself behind me, I've had to deal with the spin-off issues like trust and how I relate to men. I've always needed some boyfriend to complete me in the past, and that's needed to be addressed. It's vital, actually. 'Cos when you think about it, if you ever settle down with a man and have children, then he will be their father. See where I'm going with this? I'll be darned if any child of mine will ever go through anything like I did.

So it's important to give yourself time to heal, and it's okay to cry. I didn't find counsellors helpful so I'm not going to suggest it. I drew a lot of comfort from books about abuse, which often include real accounts from other survivors so that you can see how you're not alone in this. When you distinguish that you didn't have a choice then, but you CAN control how your own life turns out NOW... That's when the real healing begins.

I hope this has been helpful and I of course wish you the very best in your recovery.
Last edited by Tarantula on Thu Aug 20, 2015 7:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Child sexual abuse (explicit content)

Postby Nail Queen » Tue May 24, 2011 12:22 am

WOW, thank you thank you for such a long and heart felt reply.
Its so easy to feel alone and like your the only one so it means a great deal to hear from some one with similar experiences. I am truly amazed at how you seem to have moved on from your abuse and although I cannot currently see a way forward from mine I'm trying to work on it. I see you didn't find counsellors helpful but I'm going to give it another go, I've got an appointment with my GP and I'm going to ask him about a referral. It might not work but I need to try something and there is no way I can go public like you (which I applaud you for) because I don't want my family to know and I don't want people to look at me differently, I already feel detached from the rest of the world I don't want to give it more reason to think I'm weird. How did people react to you when you spoke about your abuse?

Thank you for the support it has definitely been helpful :-)
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Re: Child sexual abuse (explicit content)

Postby captainf » Tue May 24, 2011 12:11 pm

It must be really hard what you went through and it can take a long time to come to terms with it.
One of the things that I noticed was you havent spoken to your family about it yet. I think that you should try working on that because my ex was much the same in that respect (as far as im aware she still hasnt told her family) but it can be a weight lifted off your shoulders if you can confide in a relative.
Sometimes my ex would be watching TV and there would be a scene of an attempted rape or something of that nature and she would leave the room and cry in the bathroom for a little while. Her family had no idea. I always told her she should confide in them but she never did before leaving me.
I just think if you can, try your best to confide in a relative as they will be able to comfort you and its always good to have a support network around you that can help you move forward, especially during those moments when you are struggling and finding it difficult.
Remember how the runway lights looked one night long ago when you were lost and found your way, and how-you still dont know?
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Re: Child sexual abuse (explicit content)

Postby Nail Queen » Wed May 25, 2011 12:01 am

Hey Captainf
I don't think I can ever tell my family, I don't think they would believe me and even if they did I don't see what good would come from it. My grandparents are well loved and respected by the rest of my family and are a central part of my family, when I was I child I would have appeared to have been closer to my grandfather than any other relative so why would they believe me. My Grandmother ignored it when it was happening so I think now she would still deny it happened. If I tell and they don't believe me then I lose my family and their not all bad. Even if they do believe me they will hate me for taking away the happy family they thought they had and presuming that everyone didn't know about my abuse they don't deserve the pain and embarrassment having a child abuser in the family would cause. If I keep it to myself only I am hurt and that has to be better than hurting my whole family.
I know how your ex felt in regards to rape on tv, it often makes me cry or I just feel really angry inside and want to lash out, it doesn't matter if its fictional or not it just makes me so angry.

Thanks for your input
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Re: Child sexual abuse (explicit content)

Postby brendo » Wed May 25, 2011 12:39 am

Its your choice whether to ever tell anyone in your family. But they wouldn't hate you. If anything, they'd hate that this had happened to you unknown to them. We are each only responsible for ourselves and our actions; no one else's - it is not necessary to hide others mistakes for the sake of outward appearances. A relative's bad deeds are theirs and theirs alone, no family is perfect. Any parent knows that every family has its troubles. It is absolutely your choice who you tell, I just wanted you to know that the option to share is there.

It would break my heart if I thought I had a sister/mother/cousin who carried such a burden in silence. Sometimes it good to know these things so you have the chance to offer an occasional hug or just change the channel on tv when such a sensitive topic is on screen.
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” -Albert Einstein
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Re: Child sexual abuse (explicit content)

Postby captainf » Wed May 25, 2011 11:41 pm

They definitely won't hate you for talking about it. They might be in shock at first, but they definitely won't hate you nor will they think you are lying. I can understand why you would worry about this as naturally its a bad kind of 'what if' but at the same time there are alot of people who have been abused and go years having not told anyone and it doesnt really help them to bottle it up.
Do you have a sister? Perhaps you could confide in her? This is what my ex almost did but in the end she stopped halfway through because she felt her sister was too young to hear it (her sister is 15 ) I still think if you can find someone you are close to that you can confide in it will be a huge weight lifted off of your shoulders.

Yeah, rape scenes are not nice in any way, shape or form. For now its best to avoid shows with that in, but if you do see one by accident its always good to have someone close to be a shoulder to cry on.

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Re: Child sexual abuse (explicit content)

Postby Nail Queen » Thu May 26, 2011 12:49 am

Even if my family don't hate me for telling them, I would hate myself even more than I already do for putting them through pain that they don't deserve.
I don't have any sisters (3 brothers), one of my friends knows about the abuse and she does her best to be supportive but she's not the most sensitive of people and just doesn't really understand how I'm feeling, also it doesn't make for the nicest of conversations and she has her own problems to deal with.
To be honest when I told her I felt worse, I had always sworn to myself that I would take the secret to my grave but one very drunken night a few years ago I let the secret slip. In a way it now feels good to have someone I can sort of talk to about it but at the same time the guilt and shame I feel for taking about it is almost unbearable.
In the words of Don Mclean......
They were not listening, They're not listening still, Perhaps they never will!
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Re: Child sexual abuse (explicit content)

Postby captainf » Thu May 26, 2011 2:18 am

I dont think you will be putting them through pain. I think they will be shocked if you opened up to them but I dont think it would cause as much pain or damage as you might think. I think that what you could do is open up but just also say that you don't want them to make a huge deal out of it. Explain your worries and concerns.
You shouldnt feel so guilty about opening up. You was a victim of abuse and this isnt something you can bottle up, as you know, because it plays on your mind and you need to open up and talk things through. Talking lets you vent emotions and the important thing in this is that it will help in the long term. At first its hard and you can feel asthough you are not getting anywhere as it appears to make things worse but as you to grips with venting you will start to see the long term benefit. Thats why its imperative to talk to someone you feel close to and that you can trust :)
Remember how the runway lights looked one night long ago when you were lost and found your way, and how-you still dont know?
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Re: Child sexual abuse (explicit content)

Postby Nail Queen » Sun May 29, 2011 12:05 am

Hello
I know I need to talk to someone but I don't want to tell my family or overburden the few friends I have. I've been back to my GP and he is going to refer me to my local psychological treatment service so now I just have to wait and see if they will give me an appointment and take it from there.
Thanks for everyone's help
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