What is wrong with me?

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What is wrong with me?

Postby misfits » Mon Jun 20, 2011 1:54 pm

Hi,

Im hoping for some brutally honest no holds barred opinions on this secret that ive been harbouring for a very long time. I really dont know where to start or how to explain, all i know is ive got to figure out why and how to stop before i end up alone and hurting people.

In the most simplest way i can put it, im always after the thrill of the chase. Im quite a naturally flirty person anyway, but it seems like its taking over my life. I have always been this way, and thought that eventually it will go away. I cannot go through a period of time without having a crush. 9 times out of 10 I do not actively seek to have one, they just pop up out the blue and theres no discrimination.

I have the most oddest of crushes, and been told by many people that ‘i fancy ugly people’. When i say no discrimination, i mean that its usually starts to develop from one or two personality traits, it is never ever because of physical looks, for example the last one i had was for this guy who could speak many languages. Can i just say at this point that looks have never been that important to me. Just like how it comes up out the blue it can go away the same way.

I suppose you could say its just an admiration for the said person thats got out of hand but the intensity of these crushes are most times overwhelming. And i do not help matters. I look for ways of creating situations / conversations with the crush and get my thrills from this. Dont get me wrong, It has never ever develops into something physical.

I never feel so excited as i do and so happy as when the crush responds in the same way.
Its like a game and im ashamed to say that i get alot of emotional/mental reward from it.

It becomes my whole thinking, it drains me completely. I day dream alot about said crush and what could happen. Sometimes i just cant stop. I try and clear my mind. Think of other things, engage in other things. Sometimes it works but most times no. This makes me quite distant to others around me.
The other problem, and i think its related to this, is that i only ever seem to be sexually turned on to these crushes.

From reading this you would never guess I am in a long term relationship. I know, I am a very bad person, despite never physically cheating on my partner I can still see and feel that im doing wrong.
I have never been fully satisfied sexually with anyone ive ever slept with, granted that you can count them all on one hand. I have orgasms doing sex but thats always down to me, only 2 or 3 times down to my partner.
i have tried talking and trying loads of different things with my partner but nothing works. Gradually i just stopped wanting sex with him completely. He has been amazingly patient. He just thinks ive lost my drive, because i cant bare to tell him that i only ever feel like it with strangers. I do wonder whether this is a grass is greener situation. Let me just say at this point, i have never stopped pleasing him in that manner.

The only way to stop is to not have any friends, go out, mix with other people. Which i was doing for many years, but living like that made me really unhappy.

I have had 18 months of CBT and on anti-depressants. I found CBT very helpful and have learned alot which has helped me with my depression and all my problems barring this particular one.
I just want to stop, i want to be happy and not constantly on the chase or look out.
why cant i just be grateful or satisfied?

i wonder if i would still be this way even if i met my perfect man whatever or whoever that maybe, but i know this is a problem in me rather than other people.
I just dont want to carry on like this.

Can any one please shed some light because i am desperate to change?

Just for some additional info, I am 30 and feel like my life has been wasted. CBT has taught me to focus on the now and future and although this has helped heaps it doesn’t change my opinion on my past.

Thank you for reading.
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Re: What is wrong with me?

Postby misfits » Tue Jun 21, 2011 3:41 pm

is anyone there?
having a really low day :cry:
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Re: What is wrong with me?

Postby Ticktock » Tue Jun 21, 2011 4:30 pm

With your history you will have to forgive me if I have to think about my reply.

Your behaviour around the object of your affection seems fetish like... Which makes me wonder if you have an early sexual experience based around an interesting person, say a teacher. Especially as you say it seems to be getting worse, which I would expect if you were unhappy in your relationship.

I am not surprised that the CBT has had not effect as it is not linked to low self image, in fact some fetishists can be very dominant personalities.

The problem you have is that without treatment you can't find the trigger incident and then place it in a rational context, at the moment you lose control when the crush kicks in and everything else seems secondary. You aren't alone in this, a colleague of mine has an obsession with John Barrowman, which will eventually cost her the marriage and daughter she loves. At least you have made the first step of recognising it as a problem, something she is incapable of at the moment.

Aside from the guilt over your secret passions is the relationship with your boyfriend really happy, or are you just staying with him because you think you need to punish yourself?
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Re: What is wrong with me?

Postby snail » Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:18 pm

It seems to me that this is simply escapist behaviour; in the same way that some people find refuge in alcohol or drugs, you do in these crushes. They're fantasies that make you excited and happy in a safe way (safe because it's not real) - they give you an escape from mundane everyday life, make you feel excited or desirable, and make you forget some of the pain inside you. They also give you a reason not to make things work in a real-life relationship. As you identified, you're getting an immense emotional pay-off from them.

I think you just need to spend some time with a good therapist and work through what is underlying this. I feel quite sure that you could change this behaviour. You sound as though you're quite self-aware so you're well on your way to unpicking this.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: What is wrong with me?

Postby misfits » Wed Jun 22, 2011 1:29 pm

thank you both for your response,
Snail you have hit the nail on the head, this is escapism as i truely get lost in this world, sometimes for days and when i hit reality with a bump it feels like i really have been away.
Tick tock, no no early experiences with an interesting person, although i did have a major crush on a teacher the same way I do now with other people.
I know where this has all stemmed from, I had an extremely controlled and sheltered life as a child up to the age of 20. My parent never let me out to socialise at all so i use to sit and day dream / fantasize as I was so unhappy. Also, and im not entirely sure this is related, but my parent used to have no problems making sexual comments or physical suggestions like dry humping her partner infront of me and was never ever quiet in the bedroom when she had sex.
Then from 20 onwards i have always been in long term serious relationships.
This is why I hate my past. But i know i cant change it.
Well, Ive finished my CBT, the therapist said she could not do any more for me. and now im at a loss and not sure where to go from here?
Am i happy in my relationship? no i guess not, but i think that is really more me than my partner.

where can i begin to stop this madness?
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Re: What is wrong with me?

Postby snail » Thu Jun 23, 2011 8:59 pm

I still think you need to see a proper counsellor/psychotherapist and spend some time (maybe a year or so) getting to the bottom of this. You could ask your GP about counselling as a first step.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: What is wrong with me?

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jun 29, 2011 1:32 pm

I haven't had time to read all the replies but just wanted to add that it may be worth getting some sex therapy with your partenr to help improve that side of things, which in turn may help with the crushes if it's realted to sexual frustration.
Also agree with Snail to get help elsewhere
More improtantly don't beat yourself up too much about it, brains work in funny ways and we haven't always got control
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

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