What is the point of this existence?

For problems with mental or emotional well being.
Forum rules
NEW USERS HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEIR FIRST POSTS TO BE APPROVED BY AN ADMINISTRATOR. Rules | Essential Information | FAQ | Support | Twitter

What is the point of this existence?

Postby robinbrum » Mon Aug 01, 2011 11:18 pm

I am a 45 year old man and I am about as miserable and unhappy as it is possible to be. I have one daughter, aged 16, who I love dearly but who I find at times very trying. I have three sisters who I also love dearly but see very very seldom as they live far from me.
I do live-in-care work which takes me away from home every other week where I work 24/7 and come home the following week. It is hard work and very poorly paid, plus I work in quite a depressing environment. That said I have a very good relationship with my client who is severely disabled. He tolerates my moods and moaning. In return he gets someone who works tirelessly for him, takes him out and tries to enhance his life in any way possible.
I never get anything done when I come home and I live in a shit-hole (sorry for bad language). I am useless at DIY so I can not decorate my flat properly. Nearly everything I have is old or second-hand and I can not afford to furnish my home to a decent standard. This makes me extremely depressed and I never invite anyone I don't know to my home as I am ashamed of it.
I have no friends anymore and everyone has abandoned me. This has made me very mistrustful of people and human beings in general, although I realise people don't want to be around me because my misery rubs off on them. I do everything I can to try not to act depressed but even when I'm happy people often comment that I look "fed up" or "worried" about something. This only makes me more depressed and so the vicious cycle of loneliness and rejection continues.
I suffer with depression but no medication has ever helped me feel better. The NHS has never helped me one jot despite my pleas for help.
I am overweight and not particularly attractive. I have joined a gym but despite my efforts my metabolism will not allow me to lose much weight quickly. I am also not able to get to the gym as often as I would like.
I hate the way I look and can not bare to catch sight of myself in a mirror and hate having my photo taken. I also hate hearing the sound of my voice. I hate pretty much everything about myself.
I care a great deal for my client but my heart is no longer in the job and I feel it has held me back for much too long.
It is some years since I was last in a relationship. I am single because I can not take on the responsibility of being in a relationship and it would never work with my current lifestyle.
I really can not stand it any more, it seems I am snookered all the time whenever I try to do something. I have considered re-training but I am not at a good age and I don't know what, if anything, I am good at.
I have a 16 year old daughter who I love very much. She is the main reason I have not taken my life, because I feel it would destroy hers at a very difficult time in her life. I could not go to my grave knowing that.

I really don't know where to go from here. Please help me, if you can.

Thank You.
robinbrum
Just Landed
Just Landed
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 10:32 pm
Gender: Male

Re: What is the point of this existence?

Postby Ticktock » Tue Aug 02, 2011 12:45 am

You have a daughter who no doubt loves you, you have family that you want to be with (not always a given believe me).

You do a job which makes a real difference to someone else's life, helping others is a rare privilege, I'm a carer myself and yes it can be hard work and unrewarding but you are proud of what you do.

You are a good person who has fallen on hard times, but while you have life you can change that.

All change is best started small, think of one small thing you can do which will make a real difference to you and start there, for example learning DIY.

Just one small success can start helping to break the depressive cycle you are currently trapped in.
User avatar
Ticktock
Familiar Face
Familiar Face
 
Posts: 352
Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2011 8:01 am
Gender: Male

Re: What is the point of this existence?

Postby snail » Tue Aug 02, 2011 4:55 pm

I hear how miserable you are, and it must be very hard indeed to feel like that.

What has your GP said when you have asked him/her? Have you tried talking therapies?
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

Najwa Zebian
User avatar
snail
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 4345
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2007 8:59 pm
Location: Your guess is as good as mine.
Gender: Female

Re: What is the point of this existence?

Postby robinbrum » Tue Aug 02, 2011 10:17 pm

Ticktock thank you for your kind words and it is good to hear from a fellow carer. Unfortunately none of the positive things you say filter through to my brain anymore, I am too long in the job and however commited I am to my client there is no escaping that the job leaves me feeling unfulfilled, exhausted and only heightens my sense of isolation...the negatives now outweigh the positives and I say that with a very heavy heart because the man I look after is the absolute salt of the earth and is very dear to me. But 12 years in this line of work is too long. Trouble is, I am scared of change and don't know if I will find anything better in these difficult times. Hence, I feel trapped.
As for DIY I am just hopeless at it. My concentration is poor and i have very clumsy hands. I would happily leave it all to the professionals if only i could afford to.

Hello Snail, I'm afraid the GP has just tried different medications - none of which have worked, some which have made me worse. I have tried CBT and that was useless. I am waiting to see a psychiatrist who can prescribe other types of medication and hopefully will have some more expert input. I could be waiting a long time but that's the NHS for you...
Thank you both for your comments - much appreciated.
robinbrum
Just Landed
Just Landed
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 10:32 pm
Gender: Male

Re: What is the point of this existence?

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Aug 03, 2011 4:14 pm

I agree with ticktock about looking at things you can change

However slow the weight lose it is in the right direction to be losing. Gym is difficult to get motivated for when your not depressed. Woudl it be better to spend the money on a class where you can meet other people. Go every other week to fit your work schedule. Meet new people and lose weight all at once. There is yoga, karate, dance, water aerobics etc etc. Look in your local paper for ideas. Don't be put off if the first class isn't your cup of tea. Move on to something else. Every person in these classes has that first day experience of turning up and being the new person.

Forget the DIY, if it's not your thing then don't worry. That's what keeps others in employment. I know your are depressed about your flat but I think the bigger issue is your job. However you could do some small things to change your environment. Painting is a simpe way to brighten up. Get your daughter to help you paint the walls a nice bright colour. Go to a car boot and find some new curtains, pictures, throws to cover up the worn sofa and chairs. You get the idea.

Can you look at working in a different caring environment not one to one. Perhaps a care home. If your job is making you depressed you need to change it. It is the most time you spend awake doing anything. I sense you would feel you let down your client if you stopped but if it drives you to such utter despair you must think of yourself. It isn't selfish it's being honest with yourself. It's your life too and right now you are miserable. Also a change of environment can mean meeting new people and making new friends.

You are never too old to learn a new skill, especially as there is now no retirement age, but I think this would just add to your woes so put that on the back burner until you fell a bit more together.

Do you have an idea how long it will be until you see the physciatrist?

Write a list of things you can achieve and tick off things as you achieve them. Start small and don't put unrealistic expectations on yourself. Looking back at the list in a few months may help to encourage you that change can happen.

I don't think you shopuld dismiss a realtionship just because you work odd hours. Lots of people have to fit around a schedule these days. Although again I would put this off for now until you are feeling a bit better about yourself.

All teenagers are trying, this makes your daughter very normal but I suspect you are over sensitive to it as you are depressed.

You say your scared of change aren't you more scared of things staying exactly as they are. Yes change means taking a bit of a risk and not every change works in our favour but with every bad experience you usually learn something useful. Change can be so positive if you embrace it.

I hope things get better for you
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

Cheap Pandora Charms UK

User avatar
Bel Bel
Fully Fledged Flatmate
Fully Fledged Flatmate
 
Posts: 6758
Joined: Thu May 10, 2007 1:58 pm
Location: Hertfordshire
Gender: Female

Re: What is the point of this existence?

Postby snail » Wed Aug 03, 2011 7:45 pm

Bel Bel wrote:Go to a car boot and find some new curtains, pictures, throws to cover up the worn sofa and chairs. You get the idea.

Houseplants are also a great way to brighten up a room. Common ones are really cheap from places like greengrocers or supermarkets. Pick flowering succulents or cacti, like Kalanchoe, that won't mind missing a week of water.

I would have thought, from my own experience with depression, that a counsellor would be more likely to help you than a psychiatrist. You don't seem as though you need medication to me, more a long term supportive relationship. But it's worth seeing if the psychiatrist can help now you're on the waiting list. Just remember, if it doesn't help there are other options.

I think the idea of evening classes etc is a great one (it really helped me). Also, I know it doesn't help to have people say you should be grateful for what you've got or anything (because it's what you think and feel about yourself that's relevant) but, just in case it cheers you; I would give anything to have a daughter, or a child at all, and I would love to have siblings, anywhere in the world, that cared about me.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

Najwa Zebian
User avatar
snail
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 4345
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2007 8:59 pm
Location: Your guess is as good as mine.
Gender: Female

Re: What is the point of this existence?

Postby Ticktock » Wed Aug 03, 2011 10:18 pm

Snails comment reminded me of my one real experience of depression, it was after my partner died, and in a year where several other people including my father had also died and I went a little bit crazy with grief, felt this great dark hole opening up in me.

I started buying flowers everyday when I went to work, making up little bouquets for friends, bringing them home to put in my flat. It is only afterwards I can see it was a coping mechanism, a way of brightening up my life so I could keep it together for my baby daughter.

After a few months I got a little bit more stable and the despair lifted, but without that I could have easily taken my life as my partner's death left me with nothing but my child, and now here I am a few years later with wife, property, promotion at work and a daughter who is the world to me, and a living tribute to the woman I lost.

Life can be terrible and wonderful, sometimes at the same time.
User avatar
Ticktock
Familiar Face
Familiar Face
 
Posts: 352
Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2011 8:01 am
Gender: Male


Return to Mental wellbeing

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest