Can't cope anymore

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Can't cope anymore

Postby bethd_15 » Thu Aug 04, 2011 5:30 pm

I have written on this forum before and even been to the doctors about feeling depressed but I'm at a complete dead end. Nothing is getting better and I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts now. There's no significant problems in my life but I have always suffered majorly from a lack of confidence and have always been prone to moods. I'm just so irritable, tearful and angry most of the time and I hate how it's affecting my relationships. My boyfriend blames himself all the time and last night, I fell out with my whole family and ended up hitting my sister; I can't control my anger when people don't stop winding me up. I'm fine with them all now but don't feel in a happier mood at all. It's getting worse and worse and I don't know what to do. I have no confidence and I'm so insecure. For example, I have applied for jobs because I'm made to and even been to an interview but have no confidence in myself that I'd be able to do the job. Also, I'm starting college in September but don't even want to go and I don't know what I want to do with my life. To make matters worse, I worry about my boyfriend constantly; his dad killed himself almost two years ago, before I was with him, and he struggles with anger and depression. The thought that he'll kill himself is always on my mind and he seems to be getting worse because he has family problems, plus he worries about me. Then there's my "friends"; they just don't care in the slightest. They seem to go places with each other, never tell me anything and have never been concerned if I'm down. I seem to just be in a depressing circle and don't see the point in life anymore.
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Re: Can't cope anymore

Postby reckoner » Thu Aug 04, 2011 7:49 pm

I've felt similar to this before - an inability to live in my own skin, to the point when I dreaded seeing anyone I knew. A good friend recently told me how he got so depressed once that he had trouble crossing roads.

I, too, could get so angry that, especially if I was drunk, I'd lash out at my then partner and hit him.

This is my theory, I don't know if it will relate to you, but here it is anyway.

There's always a particular reason behind the incident that puts me in an irritable mood. That irritable mood triggers memories of all my other irritable moods and, somehow, I forget the actual incident that put me in a bad mood, and get swept up in how generally irritable I feel I always am, therefore how rubbish everything must be. Without ever addressing what put me in a bad mood in the first place.

To give an example: I would get in a bad mood whenever my then partner updated his LinkedIn profile. It felt like he was banging on about his LinkedIn profile to deliberately wind me up that I hadn't done mine. Once I was in a bad mood, that was it. No going back. Whole evenings would go by in silence while I went through in my mind all the things that had put me in a bad mood recently.

A long time later, I actually sorted out my own LinkedIn profile and, suddenly, I had one less thing to put me in a bad mood. He could bang on about his all he liked and I didn't care because I'd done mine too.

My example is probably completely irrelevant to yours. It's just that you don't mention any details about what has upset you in your post, but that the whole of life has gone bad, with big reasons that you can't do anything about, like bad friends and having had suicide happen around you.

Maybe you need to look at the details of what upsets you in any single situation, without spinning it out to other examples, so you can figure out a way of fixing that one single thing. In my experience, letting myself drown in all the bad things in my life became an excuse to hide from the world rather than sort any of it out. But every time you fix something, you feel better.

Finally, it's just impossible to know if you can do a job until you do it. Don't be afraid to stick your neck on the line. Don't be afraid of failure. Just smile a lot, give it your best, that's all anyone can ask.

I hope this helps and apologise if it isn't relevant to you.
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Re: Can't cope anymore

Postby bethd_15 » Thu Aug 04, 2011 8:57 pm

Thanks for taking the time to reply, your response has made a lot of sense to me. I can get irritable about a lot of things and like you said, it can be so small that I forget what it was and I think about all the other times I've been irritated and angry. For example, I get annoyed at pretty much everyone and get worked up about things when really, they shouldn't effect me. I'm a highly opionionated person at the same time, which doesn't help, hence I feel more strongly about things. I'm just sick of the way I react to situations and how I behave; I'm just becoming so depressed.
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Re: Can't cope anymore

Postby reckoner » Thu Aug 04, 2011 10:28 pm

I had a pregnancy scare once. Suddenly, all I could see around me was babies. On the TV, on the street, I was surrounded by babies. I doubt that there was any actual increase in babies. But because that's what I was thinking about, that's all I saw.

Maybe it's the same with you. If you feel insecure, you can get obsessed about how insecure you are. Every little thing you notice is another example. How you can't do a job, can't go to college etc.

You have to do all the things that believing you're insecure stops you from doing. If you start following your insecurity and don't get a job, don't go to college, all you'll ever do is reinforce what you can't do. You have to start showing yourself what you can do.

And, yes, being opinionated can be unhelpful. It can convince you that you're right about something that you may not be right about. Like how 'incapable' you are.

My guess is that you get mad at people because you're mad at yourself. I think if you stop hating yourself, you'll find your attitude to everyone else will change.

Stop being sick of yourself and how you to react to things. Think about what you're reacting to. What about giving an example? When was the last time you reacted badly to something? What was it about?
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Re: Can't cope anymore

Postby bethd_15 » Fri Aug 05, 2011 9:49 am

That's right, everything I do I don't look at the positive side of. I'll excuse my efforts in a good situation and think it's the end of the world in a bad situation. I can't pinpoint exactly why I'm feeling so down at this moment in time but ever since I was a very young child, I've struggled with my moods and been quite difficult. I don't know if I'm just prone to depression or if things in my life have made me have such low self-esteem, etc.
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Re: Can't cope anymore

Postby reckoner » Fri Aug 05, 2011 2:14 pm

My Mum, who would also say she is prone to depression and has told me of her suicidal tendencies in the past, is exactly the same. Makes excuses for her achievements, almost completely ignores praise, but obsesses over any tiny thing that could possibly be construed as criticism. She drives me nuts, frankly, and paying her compliments, which she often deserves, is the most unrewarding experience you can imagine.

You're right, this is your problem: you're incredibly sensitive to bad stuff and probably completely dismissive of anything good. But you know what? That's the quality that makes my mum so special and so unbelievably good at what she does. It actually drives her. I believe your 'problem' could do the same for you: drive you to do the best you possibly can.

So the fact that you have insecurities is a classic opportunity to consider what the benefit might be. Say you and another person accept a job doing the same thing. You're dead insecure, the other isn't. You both write a report. The other person is so confident they've done a good job, they forget to spellcheck it. You are paranoid and insecure and check it over and over a million times. You take longer to give your report in. But you spellchecked it, made sure it was as good as you could do. I bet your report is better.

You don't have to change who you are. You only have to pay much more attention to what you can do than what you can't. You can use your insecurity to your benefit, so you must NEVER let it stop you from doing something.

It doesn't matter if you don't know what you want to do with your life. That's not what folks will tell you, but people talk an awful lot of rubbish. I'm nearly 36 and I'm still working out what I'm going to be now that I have apparently 'grown up'. As long as you keep yourself open to possibilities, things will work out. They just will. It only makes sense in retrospect. The fact that I'm still deciding is making my life more exciting than it has ever been before. Didn't always feel that way, let me assure you. As I've said, I used to feel like you do now.

Some positive qualities about you I have already noticed: great spelling, punctuation, expression so you can already say 'excellent communication skills' - the most commonly found requirement on any job specification. You're self-aware - too much so, but better to start from there than the other end of the spectrum. You've got a good head on you. You just need to use your powers for good rather than self-destruct.
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Re: Can't cope anymore

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Aug 09, 2011 3:48 pm

Hi Beth
Is it possible to get your parents to pay for some cognitive therapy. It is a fantastic form of therapy that helps you change the way you think about situations which in turn affect your mood. If you had more control over your reactions then you would find the moods would lessen.
This is a horrible way for you to have to live and I am sure you are riddled with guilt once you have an outburst which just adds to your depression and feelings of inadequancy.
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

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