No-one is listening

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No-one is listening

Postby u_l_g » Tue Sep 20, 2011 10:59 pm

I've just been diagnosed with depression, I have a low dose of anti-depressant and am waiting to hear about counselling. I never wanted to go on drugs but if this is all the have to offer I have no choice.

My boyfriend has clearly got no idea how to handle this. I've a horrible feeling he will just dump me. He's gone terribly distant and we've rowed a few times under the pressure lately. Maybe I'm just paranoid undercuts depression though.

I have 2 friends who I talk to about it online, but one had pretty mch told me to leave him alone now because he has depression too and can't handle it. The other seems to have stopped answering me and I fear it's probably for the same reason.

I feel like I'm crying out for help all the time, so why is no-one listening or helping? I just want to be told it will be ok and not be trapped down here on my own. I don't think I've sunk dangerously low yet but I'm scared I will if I'm left here. I just want help and don't know how to ask any more :-(
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby snail » Wed Sep 21, 2011 10:46 am

Well, when you get your counsellor, he or she will always be there to listen, and you can talk about how you feel without holding back or worrying. However, with other people the problem is that they don't know what to say or how to help, and (as you've discovered with your online friend) they are often trying to deal with their own issues as well. This makes them worried, or distant, or uncomfortable. It would be great if you had friends or family in your life that could help or advise you, but it sounds like you don't, and to be honest I don't think people usually do. It will be down to you, your doctor and your counsellor to get you through this, so lean on them as much as you need to. Just interact with your boyfriend and friends in a normal way, as much as you can. It might help to compare the depression to a physical disease like measles or cancer - if you were suffering from something like that you might expect your boyfriend and friends to cheer you up and go out places with you, but you wouldn't expect them to help you treat the illness, because they wouldn't have the expertise.

A couple of other things; it will be OK although it might take some time (I've been there), and you can always post how you're feeling on here. We may not be able to advise you much (like your other friends can't) but all your posts will be read. I read them all :P
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby u_l_g » Wed Sep 21, 2011 5:45 pm

Thank you for your reply snail. That's the kind of advice I've read before on the net but it makes a real difference when a real person says it to you in their own words. At the times when my friends are around and they are able to remind me of these things and that makes an even better difference. I only wish my boyfriend could be as supportive because that would make the biggest difference of all. He can barely even acknowledge me at the moment, let alone my condition. I don't expect him or anyone else to fix me. I expect I will have to do all the work guided by the pills / doctor / counsellor. I just want to know that he still loves me and remembers the real me and won't leave me because of this. I suppose only time will tell now if he can do that or not. I do fear how bad I'll get if he leaves me though. It's having him so far that's given me the strength to keep fighting this, to keep getting up and going to work in a morning. Because I don't want to be a burden on him and I want him and I to have a chance of happiness together. He isn't even giving me the chance to tell him that now. He witnessed one panic attack and the word depression and ran for the hills. And I don't blame him really :-(
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby snail » Fri Sep 23, 2011 10:54 am

Well, how he deals with it is up to him, really; it's his struggle. I would think a lot of his behaviour is to do with not knowing how to help or being frightened, so he will probably get more comfortable with it over time.
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby u_l_g » Thu Sep 29, 2011 2:35 am

Last week was awful. This week I felt like things were feeling better. I got my counselling appointment even feeling so much better I wondered if I needed it any more. But now at 2am not able to sleep due to anxiety I can't wait for it to come round. Worried about how I will talk to a counsellor about how bad I feel, if I see her when I'm in a good mood? Because when I'm in a better mood I forget just how bad I feel about everything!?

Anyway it's thoughts of my boyfriend that are keeping me awake tonight. Last week he was asking me to move in with him. I think he thinks it will solve the problem because I'm unhappy where I'm living at the moment. I explained the best I could it probably wouldn't help with the depression and I'd rather us both stay where we are for now because well be able to save the money we need but also because I'd rather be better before we take that step - I don't want to do it to try fix things, I want to do it for happy reasons. Maybe I didn't explain clearly enough that I would like to though. Because he's started being distant again. Not calling or texting when he used to call me every day. He's definitely changed. I've tried to talk to him about the whole thing a few times but he just tries to avoid the whole subject. He's really unresponsive tonanythimng I say or do. I don't get it. One minute he's asking me to move on with him, the next he's ignoring me. Of course I'm left layer awake all night totally confused about what's going on and unable to get an answer from him. Has he gone off mr? Is he scared off by the depression? Is he just am ignorant pig!?


I'm starting to fond myself telling myself maybe I should finish with him because I just can't handle the stress a relationship is bringing me right now. But then I worry that feeling is just the depression taking hold and making mr do self destructive things. I'm scared I'm about to lose someone I actually love.I can't wait for the counselling to start
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby u_l_g » Thu Oct 06, 2011 10:29 pm

Why. Why is no one listening! It doesn't seem to matter how loud I scream no one cares that I'm falling apart. I'm taking the pills and going to the counselling and so far they've only made things worse. I know I need to help myself by keeping these things up but it's not enough, it's nor quick enough. I'm losing my boyfriend. He's distant and flaky to the point were I've started getting angry and walking out on him. All I want is to feel safe and I can't. I can't get better if I have no hope of feeling safe. What do i have to do to make people realise how much pain I'm feeling and that it's getting worse and I need some help. I'll be standing on a bridge before anyone notices, and I don't want it to get that far. So I do what I think is sensible and tell someone, but the docs are quite frankly slow, unorganised, stupid and my boyfriend just runs away. I increasingly feel there is no hope for me.
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby snail » Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:56 pm

u_l_g wrote:I can't get better if I have no hope of feeling safe.

You can, but that may make it take longer. Your safety isn't dependent on the other people in your life, it's about you. Things can happen at any time - you can't control them, and that's the nature of existence. Your boyfriend will behave however he behaves, try not to focus on all the little things he does too much and question their meaning, as it will exhaust you.

It sounds to me as though your boyfriend wants to help but doesn't know how to. Have you tried asking him how he's feeling about this, and what, if anything, he's worried about? (Rather than telling him stuff about it, I mean).

How was your first counselling session, by the way?
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby u_l_g » Sat Oct 08, 2011 1:25 pm

I have been trying to ask him how he feels but only when I've been feeling strong enough to talk sensibly. I spend a lot of time (most days) in a pretty panicked state so don't really have much ability to have a proper conversation. By the time I do though I think he's just so desperate to squeeze some degree of fun/relaxation that he wants to avoid the situation completely. He came through for me yesterday and really helped me get some respite but now he's back to avoiding it again. He has said he can help me sometimes but sometimes he's got his own problems, and that he likes the person behind it but can't deal with the depression all the time. He did apologise for the mixed signals. He asked me to move in with him last week but this week he said he was thinking of ending it. On Wednesday night he called me in the middle of the night because he was worried but on Thursday night he asked me to leave his house. Although he ended up helping me feel better in the end, I do ultimately feel even more insecure now.

First counselling session went ok but didn't make things better at all, worse in fact. After so long feeling alone I feel suspicious of someone who seems to genuinely want to hear my most ridiculous thoughts, and it is hard to start talking when I've had to suppress a lot just to get through the days. Admitting there's a problem and letting out suppressed feelings hurts a lot, more then denial. I had naively thought that would be the point it started getting better but I realised it will take much more time and effort then that. Realising that myself was hard, and explaining that to a boyfriend who doesn't understand to start with even harder. 

Anyway I feel well enough not to cry today and I'm just so relieved to have a break from myself I'm not thinking too far ahead today, just so thankful for a moments peace.
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby snail » Sun Oct 09, 2011 4:58 pm

I can understand that; I remember how hard my counselling sessions were at first. They used to hang over me the whole week. I hardly slept the night before. I kept going to them as much out of desperation as anything else; I had tried everything else. That lasted for about a year, then I noticed that they had got easier. After 18 months to 2 years, they had become the highlight of my week - I always left them feeling better about myself, my life and the universe than when I went in. I don't think it will be that hard for you (I was in my mid-thirties by the time I started counselling and my life had come to a complete standstill) but it's still something you have to very much stick at unfortunately. Some weeks will be better than others. Like you, I felt that if I let everything out, including all the things I had been suppressing, that I wouldn't be able to cope - the answer is to respect your own instincts and let out what you feel ready for.

And yes, definitely take every respite that you can. If you're having a good day, make the most of it. Don't be too discouraged though, if the next day isn't as good - it's a journey. Eventually there will be more good days than bad.
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby u_l_g » Wed Oct 12, 2011 3:51 am

Another counselling session done. Feel more confused then ever. But kind of numb too, like I can't be bothered to cry about it anymore. maybe that's the pills starting to work or maybe that's all me. Don't know.

Think things are going better with my boyfriend because he's not distant any more and even more willing to talk to me.

I still feel trapped though. I feel like everything in my life is awful apart from my boyfriend and I'm scared that will turn bad too and counselling is only confirming this so far.

I slept great last night but tonight I'm laying awake driving myself crazy. :-(

I only get 6 sessions and then I don't know what happens after that. I'm feeling 6 sessions will not be enough. My counsellor surly can't figure me out enough to help in 6 sessions????
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby captainf » Wed Oct 12, 2011 3:24 pm

I think the sessions can be extended, or your doctor can send you for another 6. If not is there a youth center you can go to as they often offer counselling for free.
Use your counselling sessions to say everything you need to say and get everything out in the open. When I was 19 I did that and it made me feel alot better.

Sounds like things are up and down with your boyfriend. All you can do with him istalk to him, tell him how you feel and ask him if he feel he can be abit more supportive. He may then understand how you feel and be abit more on your side as opposed to appearing as if he is working against you. The trouble is you say he is suffering from depression too and so this may cancel eachother out as both of you need a support network. Hopefully he will come around to the idea of being supportive and you can help eachother out which is what you want to do ideally. Good idea on not moving in with him yet. As you say, do it for the right and 'happy' reasons.

Whats your family like? Is there anyone you connect with within your family? I ask because it maybe a good idea to open up and talk to them too. The trouble is that alot of people who are depressed suffer in silence and no one truely knows what is happening to them. On the surface they seem fine and inside they are dying. Try opening up, try talking to someone like a relative or a close friend. The friends worthy of your friendship and true friends will stick by you.

Whats the cause of your anxiety? When you are feeling anxious do you try any breathing techniques to try and relax yourself? My friend used to suffer with anexiety and before bed he used to listen to classic music and said it helped him sleep at night.

It will certainly be alright, you just need to work through things in a timely manner. Also dont put too much pressure on yourself. Take baby steps and you will be fine.
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby u_l_g » Wed Oct 12, 2011 11:04 pm

I'm getting the impression you guys think I'm young, but I'm 28. I'm living back at my mums because every man, job and home I've tried so far has failed miserably. Even living with my dad ended in emotional disaster (he's even more messed up then I am) my mums is rubbish but it's stable. She's strict and overbearing and I don't like my step dad at all. He's pretty uninterested and rude to me which leaves me with no reason to forgive his alcoholic ways that have upset me in the past.

I have a sister who I talk to who understands but she is very busy with her own young family so I can't disturb her a lot of the time. Calling her up just to cry in the middle of the night would be selfish. I have a few other friends but they are one by one starting to ignore me. Suppose they are sick of hearing about my problems. My boyfriend is struggling but tries to be supportive sometimes.

I'm so lost tonight. My mum I'd nagging amd nagging to k ow what's wrong with me and step dad is shouting to chuck me out and mum threatening to chuck him out and all I want is for them to leave me alone.

I want to run away so badly. Ibe done that before though and I know it's not the answer, but I just don't know what is :-(
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby captainf » Thu Oct 13, 2011 1:29 am

Ahh sorry! Didnt realise you was a year older than me. I am sorry that so much hasnt worked out for you but it doesnt mean you will always have things going wrong in your life. I think that what you need to do is utilise your support network more. For example, talk to your sister more. Yes, she has her own young family but she will not want you to suffer like you have. Do you think your mum was trying to reach out to you earlier when she was asking you what was wrong? Perhaps you should try opening up when she asks whats wrong. It maybe that once she hears how you feel things may improve as she begins to understand you more.
Your step father sounds very unsupportive and so if I was you I wouldnt bother with him. He sounds like too much trouble to contend with.
Have you talked to your friends and asked them about their absense? If you feel they have become flakey because you're depressed maybe you can try finding some new friends that arent there only when things are good.

I think you've just gotta start speaking up really and being truthful about whats on your mind, whats dragging you down. Tell your family, friends and boyfriend about it. Be completely honest. If they know, they might actually be alot more supportive and nicer than you think. Dont bottle stuff up, that will drag you down. Just be honest and open up, it will lift a weight off of your shoulders.
Remember how the runway lights looked one night long ago when you were lost and found your way, and how-you still dont know?
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby u_l_g » Thu Oct 13, 2011 7:17 am

Telling people my feelings has only succeeded in pushing people away. First my friends, increasingly my boyfriend and sick of feeling abandoned. Everyone says to open up and tell people how I feel but in my experience so far - telling people I want to die seems to put them off talking to me. I've told everyone that I feel I can tell how I feel - even the doctors who just dose me up and send me on my way feeling no better.

I can't talk to my mum anymore. Maybe I should try but I feel like she's been opressing me for so long and making me feel like a useless unwanted spare part, that I'm just not interested in having anything to do with her more then I have to. I don't want her to change, I just want to get away from her.
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Oct 13, 2011 12:46 pm

I think Snail made a good point before. Some people don't know how to help so they would rather not hear about it, others have there own problems and don't want to add you to their list of worries and some people are just selfish.
Either way that's why I think you should try to get everything off your chest with the counsellor. Although we may all be different people most brains function in a similar way so the counsellor probably already has you sussed out and knows how to continue treatment. Sometimes we are not ready for help and other times we have to progress at a slow pace to achieve a positive outcome.
My sister has just been through much the same as you. She started off feeling worse once strating treatment, apparently that is normal with anti depressents. She started to get better so stopped taking the tablets and got worse than ever. Now she is back on them and stable again. She too found it difficult to talk but said once she did it made her feel so much better. Just to get it out feels like she had unburdened herself. Ok it hasn't solved all the problems but now she is tackling them one at a time. She even left her b/f as she came to the realisation she was only with him becasue she felt needy and once she got a bit stronger she realised he wasn't at all right for her. I am not saying that is the case with your b/f but I certainly think you shouldn't consider living together until you are more settled within yourself.
Hopefully at some point you wil be able to sort out independent living where you don't feel if it goes wrong you end up with no home. Sometimes it's better to rely on yourself than others and you are less likely to be let down. However it doesn't mean you have to be alone or lonely, just independent. This in itself can be very rewarding and make you feel like you have achieved something. It also means you are less likely to stay in a relationship that isn't really what yoiu wnat but you have no where else to go.
Could you look into moving into shared accomodation if home is upsetting you.
I think you should tell your mum why you don't want to talk to her. If she knows the negative affect she has had on you then maybe she will start react in a more reasonable manner. Don't make it into a row or rip her to shreds session, that will make you as bad as her, just say because you are low every negative comment she makes adds to your feeling or despondency, point out your mum may not even realise she is being negative but you are very sensitive at the moment. Tell her you are getting help but her being available to talk to would be nice but you don't always feel up to talking to anyone. She is your mum she should be the one person who is always there for you.

I hope you start to feel better soon

Feel free to PM me.I am not always around to respond straight away, especially at the weekends but you can just use me as a place to vent your frustrations privately if you want.
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