No-one is listening

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Re: No-one is listening

Postby u_l_g » Tue Oct 25, 2011 7:05 pm

Urgh. It didn't take long for things to go bad again, I feel like I occasionally get ten minutes respite from myself then it all comes crashing down again. I felt like I had a bit of progress in counselling the other day. Felt like I had a few things a bit clearer in my head. All I wanted to do was tell my b/f about it but he's been unavailable to even talk to me and a few things have happened to upset me, including him just not being here, and I've forgotten why I felt so good the other day or what it was I'd figured out. I'm back to square one laid in bed feeling trapped and crying, unimportant to everyone and uncared for. All I want to do is get out of my mums for a bit and I can't even do that because my b/f has borrowed my car and won't come see me. I've tried to tell him how rubbish I feel and it would help but I don't think he's really getting it. I feel so trapped and alone :-(
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby u_l_g » Wed Oct 26, 2011 5:05 pm

Also venlafaxine is making me feel sick. I'm still not sure I want to take antidepressants so I'm putting myself in the care of the Nhs and doing what they say. But I'm not sure. Especially if they are gonna have side effects. I feel rubbish enough as it is. Confused and have no-one to talk about it to.
B/f is still ignoring me. I'm letting him because chasing after him is just painful and degrading. It's upsetting me a lot though. Especially as I'm stuck home with my parents this week because he has my car :-(
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Oct 27, 2011 12:44 pm

I agree you must be seflsih right now and look after your own needs

I am glad you are feeling a bit better

lEt's hope this move will help the process of getting better

Remember you may still get bad days but think of it as just that one day out of many that have the potential to be good
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

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Re: No-one is listening

Postby u_l_g » Thu Oct 27, 2011 8:08 pm

Is it so wrong to turn to other people for help? Everywhere I turn they turn their back on me. Even my friends who have also suffered depression don't have time for me. It hurts most that my boyfriend doesn't though. I spend a lot of time telling myself either it must be my fault he's ignoring me or he's not and I'm imagining it. But maybe he really is just being an unsupportive selfish idiot? How could I possibly tell in this state. I feel like of I died no-one would mind. Some might even be a bit relieved. All I want is to feel loved and safe. It's all I want. So many other people have that - why not me? What did I do to deserve this? :'-(
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby snail » Fri Oct 28, 2011 3:10 pm

Well, it's not wrong to to turn to other people for help, it's natural to try anything if you're struggling. There'll be different types or amounts of help on offer, depending on your situation.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: No-one is listening

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Nov 01, 2011 2:15 pm

I think you have to get better before you are able to judge whether your b/f is selfish or unable to support you.

The friends who have had depression may be scared to help as they fear it will drag them back to a dark place.

There will be people who do care but don't necessarily show it everyday, people get wrapped up in their own stuff.

Was this a bad day when you wrote this or are you still feeling low?
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby u_l_g » Wed Nov 02, 2011 11:16 pm

Ok do I've moved out of my mums. Tough time but I think this might be starting to make things a little easier. My counsellor took 5 sessions to help me through that one! Things are up and down with my b/f still but counsellor has started helping me work through that one with suggestions on how to communicate with eachother. I feel this could slowly start to work too. But all these are just surface issues, unrelated to the deeper problems making me unable to cope. I just can't get at them right now due to all this surface stuff. But I can see I'm ever so slowly getting through the task. My problem is that I think the counselling may be working but I only get 6 sessions! They extended me two more but all they can say is there is no more funding after that!? What does that even mean!? I'll be left to cope alone and if I can't and I slip back to feeling suicidal again it's tough jelly and I'll just have to do it because there isn't enough sausage funding! I've paid plenty of tax, and still as I'm ill I'm doing so. There should be enough sausage funding.

My second problem is the pills. I've been on venlafaxine for two weeks now. I can definitely feel it. I get nausea and these funny head rushes like cold shivers. These are manageable side effects though. I'm wondering if they are working too because I haven't felt like dying or hurting myself at all even when I nearly broke up with my b/f. It was jelly and there are still many tears but it's like the edge that I was falling off more and more is not around at the moment. Today however, as I was switching from the two a day to the slower release 1 a day - I went about 24hrs without taking any and it was absolute hell. I've never felt so sick in my life. I couldn't concentrate at all at work, I couldn't stay awake once I was home. The nausea was unbearable. I took my pill tonight as planned and I think I'm feeling a little better. I'm really worried that this was because I came off the drug for 24hrs. Is it possible to have withdrawal symptoms like that so early on on such a low dose? (I'm on the lowest) or maybe it's the side effects actually getting worse? Either way I'm worried about it. This is why I never wanted to go on pills. Its not natural and my mind and body is messed up enough without poison like this. I fail to see how playing with your brain chemicals, enduring side effects and experiencing nasty withdrawal symptoms can help ones mental health, especially when pills won't ever reach the underlying causes and counselling will. If they'd given me the option I'd have spent my tax money on more counselling instead of drugs.

I'm really angry that they'll put me on a drug I don't want for 6 months but will only give me the counselling I do want for 6 weeks. 
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Nov 11, 2011 5:09 pm

You are more likely to get the conselling extend if you get to the deep rooted issues. If they think you have just have minor problems (surface) as you call them they may not consider you really need more

Can you talk to the counsellor about private sessions at a reduced rate, many will do this.

Yes withdrawing from these types of tablets should always be done under supervision from the doctor. Not necessarily the ones you are on but many cause violent outbursts if suddenly stopped.

Plase continue with the treatment for now they apper to be making a difference just from what you have posted.

If the conselling gets stopped go back to the doctor and tell him your concerns and ask him what happens next.
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby u_l_g » Sat Nov 19, 2011 12:33 pm

Things have not improved yet :-(

I had a couple of good few weeks where I felt better. When I went to counselling though I was crying because it brought things back to the surface. So I wrote a long letter to my boyfriend about how his refusing to support me through my problems was making me feel. He apologised profusely, admitted he'd been wrong and took me out for a great meal and payed me lots of attention and promised to be more patient and listen more. I felt great.

But then I ran in to sone problems with my dad that really upset me and brought up a lot of painful memories and feelings. My b/f was busy so I waited two days to talk to him and when I did I wa quite upset and had a lit I needed to get off my chest. Within 11 minutes he put the phone down on mr and refused to talk because I "only ever talk about my problems" which isn't true. So I've been struggling on my own another few days to deal with the feelings I've been having. He wanted to see meclast night but I told him no. I'm thinking of breaking up with him. He's such a fair weather boyfriend that u don't feel I'll ever be able to rely on him in the future. He's fine with me when things are good but ignores me when things are bad. Surely that's not fair? I don't know what to do anyway.

I still can't bring myself to talk to my mum either.
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby snail » Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:50 pm

Like Bel said, I think you need to get a bit better before you can really judge his behaviour. Having said that, if the relationship is adding to the strain on you and you need to end it in order to help you concentrate on yourself, then ending it is an option. Or could you take a break from the relationship for a while?
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby u_l_g » Sat Nov 26, 2011 4:01 pm

So distraught right now.
He said sorry, I told him he was running out of chances but let him off again. Things went back to being good. Had more bad dramas with my dad though and then got ill and he reacted selfishly not finding time for me again. Cos I was too ill too I wasn't paying it much mind but then he left his laptop open on his emails and I saw he'd been contacting his ex g/f saying how much he missed her. I left the house.

I never intend to see him again. He has treat me badly and betrayed my trust. It is over. I love him so much and keep trying to think of scenarios how it might work out but o know it can't. I can't get his betrayal out of my mind.

The worst thing is I've sensed this was the problem the whole time. I begged and pleaded with him that if he thought he didn't love me to have mercy and leave me sooner rather then later. He was stringing me along, making me feel I was the crazy one imagining it all.

I don't know where to go from here. I'm so alone now. I was starting to feel stronger because I thought I had a future with him and now that's gone. I'm so lonely. I have no mum or dad to turn to and I have no one else. I feel like I was not meant to be here. I'm not right for this world. I won't survive it.
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Re: No-one is listening

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Nov 28, 2011 5:33 pm

Look you are low and feeling bad but don't do anything silly. Your life could actually now change for the better.
It sounds like he was dragging you down anyway. You don't need that and you're instincts were right that he did not have his heart in it. So you know now you can listen to your instincts with men and you will be right.
I think now he is out of your life you have the best chance of getting better. Seeing new opportunities and when you are better finding someone worthy of you.
This is a perfect time for you to totally concentrate on yourself.
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