Where do I go from here?

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Where do I go from here?

Postby f-p » Sat Oct 29, 2011 11:47 pm

Hi... I'm new here and just want to get this of my chest!

Ok, So I feel like I've dragged myself up from the gutter time and time again just to end up back in the same place, wishing I had the guts to just take myself out!

Up to now this year, I have found and lost some one who I thought could be my life partner, I've had to reconcile with my dad who I never had any love for but who has sufferd a major stoke, lung cancer and serious blood clots, he's still paralysed and struggling with speech but is hopefully getting there. I've been 'raped' and I use the term loosely as it was someone I was dating and I didn't do much to stop it. A close friend has hung himself and another has died from cervical cancer at age 23.

Everythime I think I am back on top, I suddenly plummet into dark place where I cant find my way out, not always a reason for it! I don't have the ability to talk about how I feel, I can;t find the right words. I can't do anything but smile and say I'm ok when I'm in company, I feel like a fraud and a freak and I hate myself. I just want somebody to understand, I want to be ok but I don't know how! I'm 35 for gods sake and I feel like a helpless child despite the fact that I'm holding down a job, a mortgage and the pretence of normality.. I just want out!!!!!

It's one big pity party in my place :-({|=
The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning ~Ivy Baker Priest~
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby Vix1 » Mon Oct 31, 2011 10:12 am

Hi there

I can relate to a lot of things you have said, especially the part when you said about just as you think your back on top you plummet back into a dark place. I too have coped with a lot of tragedy and loss of loved ones over the years, starting from my teens when my mum got diagnosed with breast cancer, I then saw her battle for the next 6 years before finally succoming to the illness when she was 52. From that point on it seemed to be one thing after another, My sister got pregnant and miscarried and ended up in the Priory suffering from depression after I found her trying to take her own life by overdosing on pills in her bedroom. My grandfather, 2 close family friends and great Aunt all died in the space of 1 year. My best friend got diagnosed with cervical cancer, although she luckily pulled through, there is so much more that has happened over the years, I am beginning to loose count! I am now 35 years old too, and feel that I cant truly be happy as I am waiting for the next bad thing to come along, so I find myself just existing and waiting for the bad things to happen instead of enjoying each day.

I am sorry I dont have much advice for you, I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your thoughts and I can fully understand what your going through xx
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby f-p » Mon Oct 31, 2011 10:06 pm

Thanks for your reply Vix.

I'm sorry for everything you've gone through! :(

I've got to the stage where I won't allow myself to be happy. If I find myself getting happy, I make it stop. I think it a self protection thing, I wish it would stop, but I think this is my life now!
The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning ~Ivy Baker Priest~
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby HappyGoLucky » Tue Nov 01, 2011 9:32 am

Hi,

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear of all that you've had to go through. :grouphug: Whenever you find yourself in a dark place, try to just not think about it and keep yourself busy - maybe take up a new hobby? Don't keep allowing yourself to constantly think negative thoughts. I know it's easier said than done but I do believe that you can do it. As for not allowing yourself to be happy, remember that everyone deserves to have happiness in life and you are no exception.

You are not a fraud, I guess maybe you're afraid of "burdening" people when you talk about your problems? However, good friends will be there for you so if you ever need to talk to them, do give it a try. Otherwise, have you thought of taking counselling? You did say you found it difficult to talk about how you feel but you just did it by posting here and that's a good step.

I'm sorry if this doesn't help much but I hope that you will be okay. Take care.

Vix1, :grouphug: I'm sorry to hear about what you've had to cope with and hope that you'll be okay. Take care.
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Nov 01, 2011 2:11 pm

Hi

The first obvious thing I thought of is you should talk to a grief counsellor. They are very good at putting perspective on death in relation to you carrying on with life.

I understand why you feel so dark and afraid but have you tried to think about it a different way. You are wasting the precious life you have waiting for these bad things to happen. Life has up and downs, there is no getting away from this. People die but ultimately you only get one life. Do you want to make the most of it and look back and say more days were good than bad or just exist as you are.

I know this seems simplistic but it is. Actually trying to achieve this may be where you need help and if grief conselling doesn't help then perhaps cognitive therapy.
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby f-p » Tue Nov 01, 2011 8:16 pm

Thanks HappyGoLucky and Bel Bel. It's strange (but not unusual) when people are nice to me... It makes me cry lol. Your replies just did that 8-[

I know my friends would try to be there for me if I tried talking to them, and they have been in the past, but for 1, they all have their own problems, and for 2, I just can't seem to articulate how I feel. It comes out all wrong and I end up feeling embarrassed for feeling so UGH!

I have thought about counselling of some form, but I'm scared that if I go to the docs, I won't be able to say what I need to say. I'll go in and smile, then make up some lame excuse why I'm there and walk out feeling 100 times worse than when I went in! I just know I will do this!

Years ago when I was going through a rough patch, I did get put on AD's and sent to group therapy, I hated it.... Everytime I went I over acted like some confident young woman and I'm sure everybody thought I was a fraud. Like I had no real reason to feel like I did. I just stopped going in the end!

I guess I'm going to have to pluck up the courage to do something eventually though... I can't carry on like this
The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning ~Ivy Baker Priest~
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby HappyGoLucky » Thu Nov 03, 2011 4:36 pm

It's good to know that your friends would be there for you. They may have their problems but I'm sure they would not want you to be unhappy.

Since you may get quite tongue-tied, how about writing down how you feel and then showing it to the counselor? You seem quite alright doing just that from what I see here. Stop worrying and thinking that talking about your problem is an embarrassment because it's not. It's okay that you find it hard to articulate how you feel since many have difficulty doing just that at first. A good counselor helps you to open up and talk about things. I think you should give counselling a go. :)
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby f-p » Mon Nov 07, 2011 6:55 am

Hi,
I’m just carrying this on here as it doesn’t seem worth a new thread.

I have realised that a lot of my negative feelings come from comparing me to others. Not just how they deal with life/problems etc, but generally.
I have this horrible feeling of inferiority 90% of the time, this in turn makes me either snappy or short tempered or withdrawn.

I toyed with the idea of counselling, but I have been put off the idea by something an online friend of mine has said.
He basically knows all my problems and feelings via an online journal. I posted the other day that I was thinking about counselling and he replied with a thought that:

‘I think you know exactly what the issues are which you need to resolve with yourself.
Maybe this just needs more time to get over.’


Now I may not know this guy in real time, but he has been a real good friend to me, listened and helped me through some tough times. But these words cut me for some reason. I read them as in ‘get over yourself now’ perhaps he has a point!
I replied quite sharply and there was a bit of banter but now I can’t sleep for thinking about it. I have PM’d him and apologised for being so negative and in a strange way I feel like I’ve had some sort of defining moment. I feel happier right now than I have in months.

But I can feel this underlying sense of something rotten inside me. I know I will continue to compare myself against others. I feel like the only way to get people to show they care about me is to be unhappy and see who’s there. But deep down I know that will only end up pushing people away ultimately. And I know how screwy that sounds and that it is totally wrong!

And I don’t know what I hope to achieve writing this. I guess I needed to vent somewhere where nobody knows me. That is strange in itself as normally, I would hate to be the newbie, the anonymous one!

This is a complete ramble I know.... Do you think I’m screwed up? :-s
The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning ~Ivy Baker Priest~
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Nov 11, 2011 5:03 pm

No you didnt screw up you reacted emotionally. If you are feeling down or out of sorts this is quite normal. You have apologised too.

Comparing yourself to others will never work. For one many people run around doing exactly what you did at group conselling - THEY FAKE IT.
People live their lives on credit (making out the have money), or live their lives to impress (making up stories or exageratting situaitons) or live their lives to hide, cover up or pretend to be something they are not so comparing is a complete waste of time. People also don't always tell you how things really are becasue they are embarrased.

You are who you are. You can change small things but fundementally the quicker you learn to accept yourself the quicker you will be comfortable in your own skin and what will follow from that is a more relaxed confident person. This is who you want to be, not a carbon copy of someone you THINK is perfect.

Try not to be so hard on yourself.

As for not needing a counsellor, well some people find they can't sort that muddle in there head without someone helping them. There is no shame in seeing a counsellor or asking your doctor to see one. As Happy suggested write everything down if you feel you won't be able to talk. Reme,ber too the doctor will ahve seen a lot worse than you and will probably know if you in there under false pretences. He can't help if you don't ask!
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby f-p » Thu Dec 01, 2011 10:20 pm

Hey all. Before I start, can I just say thank-you for your support!

I haven't been on in a while, I've been trying to spend less time in my head hoping things will improve. And maybe they did for a while, but something still isn't right. I just don't feel like I fit into anything.
I have my birthday coming next week and I'm dreading it.
I'm going to carry on plastering a smile on my face and going about my business. The early mornings don't always leave me feeling anxious anymore, but the evenings are slowly killing me. Not to mention that I've never been good at Christmas time, It's the loneliest time of year for me and always has been.

I'm going to make a promise to myself, a new years resolution if you will... If things don't improve after Christmas I will go and speak to the doctor, I don't want to carry this on through another year.
In the mean time, I am going to keep a private paper journal so that I can keep track of my feelings, without anybody telling me to snap out of it, It will either work as a cathartic healing board, or it will serve a purpose and stop me hiding from my feelings when It comes to talking about them.

I might stick around, see if I can offer advice to anybody else but I don't know, I feel pretty useless.
But either way, I want to say thank you for lending me your ears, eyes and thoughts.

I hope you are all fighting your own demons and winning f-p
The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning ~Ivy Baker Priest~
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby snail » Fri Dec 02, 2011 12:07 pm

A journal sounds like a very good idea.

Please do stick around, we could always do with people who can offer insights to others who are struggling. And maybe think of it like this, that you aren't so much fighting your demons as making friends with them, and accepting them as part of you 8)
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby f-p » Mon Jan 23, 2012 11:39 pm

I can't do this anymore....
I'm empty, I'm all used up!
I only ever wanted someone to see the empty space behind my eyes and care enough to dive in and save me.

It's self pity and its as ugly as sin. I don't even know who I am anymore.
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Jan 24, 2012 5:28 pm

I can't see your eyes but I feel you pain in the way you write.
I think the only one who can save you is you and that has to start with doing something you haven't done before. You need to get some professional help
Don't assume it won't work. You don't know until you try and what you are doing now is not working so you have to try something new. The way you currently feel what have you got to lose.
Write down how you feel and show it to the doctor if you feel you won't be able to talk about it.
You have dealt with so much it is no surprise you are feeling so low but I believe you can come through the other side


:grouphug:
People really do care so please get some help
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby highlandcow » Tue Jan 24, 2012 5:41 pm

I agree with Bel Bel. I haven't commented so far but I can feel your pain in your writing too.

Please go to your doctor. They will want to help. As Bel Bel said, write things down to show them if you can't find the words. You need to take care of yourself, with professional help.

You've been through a great deal, my heart goes out to you. But you don't have to live with this feeling, please speak to someone who can help you.

All the best. xox
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby snail » Tue Jan 24, 2012 5:48 pm

Are you having a particularly bad time at the moment, FP? :( Do you want to tell us about that? Did you see your doctor?
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