Where do I go from here?

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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby f-p » Tue Jan 24, 2012 9:42 pm

Thank-you everybody, thank-you so much for your kind words and support.

It just seems that everybody in my life wants to talk and nobody wants to listen. I just can’t take on everybody else’s problems and worries right now. I’m just not strong enough.

I did make an appointment to see the doctor a couple of weeks ago, but I cancelled it. That day wasn’t so bad... How can I go to the doctor with a smile on my face and then tell him that I’m really not okay, that I’m falling apart? I’m so afraid that they will think me a fraud.
I don’t cry anymore, I eat at meal times, I sleep enough, albeit sometimes erratically. I know these are questions that will be asked and I know my answers, I can guess what they will mean to a doctor. An attention seeker...

Please forgive me for appearing so obstinate. I know I have to go and speak to someone, and I will, I will do what I said I would and what you all so rightly suggest, write it down. I have nothing to lose you’re right, I need some help to hold this together. I won’t give up, I can’t! Thank-you
The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning ~Ivy Baker Priest~
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Jan 26, 2012 1:06 pm

It doesn't matter if you have a good day still go to the doctors. The doctor will understand that you have good and bad days. It's quite normal with depression type illnesses. Also if you write it down you are more inclind to talk about once your are there no matter how you feel. Often once people start speaking about it then it all comes tumbling out.
Perhaps you need to start telling people you are having some issues and really feel unable to be their shoulder to cry on at present. Hopefully it will make them realise that you need help for a change.
I am like you and am often used as the counsellor for all and sundry but because people are used to me being the listener and the strong one they forget that I might be struggling myself sometimes and therefore forget to ask me how I am. Mostly it isn't a problem but in your situation it clearly is but without a prompt people may not realise it's your turn to let off some steam and have an outpouring.
Hang in there and keep us updated.
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby f-p » Fri Jan 27, 2012 3:47 pm

I’ve made myself an appointment for next Friday,
I put it off all day yesterday, just the thought of going to the doctors and actually having to start explaining how I felt left me feeling sick and anxious most of the day, but it’s not all bad, that, and the fact that my concentration levels are zero and it’s starting to show in my work, has made me realise more than ever that I need to do this.

I don’t know how I’m going to handle it, I don’t know what I will be like, but at the minute, my insides are in turmoil, like a pressure building up inside. If I could go somewhere quite, alone, and cry it might help, but all I can do is sit quietly and wish this was all over. This isn’t how I want to live life; this isn’t how it’s meant to be. I just pray for the strength to see this through.
The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning ~Ivy Baker Priest~
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Jan 27, 2012 4:21 pm

Well done for booking the appointment.
Try to be strong. Start writing down how you feel and then you can give it to the doctor if you find it too hard to speak.
Remember too once you start to get through this life will be better on the other side. You can have that life you want.
You don't need to feel like this and you can get better but you must go through with that visit to the doctors to get that process started.
Keep in touch
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby f-p » Sat Jan 28, 2012 2:47 am

Thanks Bel Bel, I will no doubt be on and off here before my appointment. Please keep pushing and coaxing me, I need it, I really do.
I feel so alone tonight and sleep seems to be quite elusive. I've tried to start writing down how I feel but I can't find the words... Just alone, and scared! I've tried writing about things past, it's turned into some sort of rhyme/poem.
Perhaps I just need to take some deep breaths and close my eyes now for a while... I'm so tired.
Thank-you for helping me through this.
The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning ~Ivy Baker Priest~
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby rufio89 » Sun Jan 29, 2012 12:37 pm

How are you doing today f-p?
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby f-p » Sun Jan 29, 2012 12:54 pm

Hi rufio,
Feeling not too bad today, thank-you for asking.
Slept better last night so feel a little more rested, but constanlty thinking about Friday and worrying about how/what I'm going to say. I'm sure I'll be fine once I start....
Been invited out for dinner with a friend today, will be the first time in weeks that I have seen anybody outside work and family, might be just what I need. Life just seems a little surreal at the moment, I'm just drifting along trying to take each day as it comes...
The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning ~Ivy Baker Priest~
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby rufio89 » Sun Jan 29, 2012 1:17 pm

As someone else said, write down how youve been feeling. If you have a printer maybe you could even print off this thread and show it to the doctor?
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby f-p » Sun Jan 29, 2012 10:26 pm

I have made a start writing some stuff down, but it's more just bullet points of how I'm feeling throughout the day. I don't know how much detail I will have to go into at the doctors, it depends how much ne coaxes me I guess, but I'm hoping I give enough to make something happen.

But have been having an okay day today, Had a tidy round at home, been out of the house for a good few hours. And I've been to the grave of my friend, sat for a while, had a little cry and a chat with him, I think that helped. I'm almost worried that I'm going to be mostly ok next week and will feel wrong going to the doctors... But up to now I still fully intend to go.

I read back through the thread and I do remember the intensity of how I feel, the hollow feeling, the wanting to be knowhere, the feeling that my heart is going to explode right out of my chest. I don't want to accept 'okay sometimes' as everything, becuase I know that there will come a time that 'okay sometimes' will not be enough.
The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning ~Ivy Baker Priest~
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby highlandcow » Tue Jan 31, 2012 3:21 pm

I'm glad to see you intend to keep your appointment, F-P. I would do what Rufio suggested and keep a record of how your feeling and when if you get stuck with what to tell the doctor, you can have a written record. And printing off what you've written here will help too

f-p wrote: I do remember the intensity of how I feel, the hollow feeling, the wanting to be knowhere, the feeling that my heart is going to explode right out of my chest. I don't want to accept 'okay sometimes' as everything, becuase I know that there will come a time that 'okay sometimes' will not be enough.


I want to highlight this quote so the doctor can read it!

Hope you're feeling OK today. Let us know how you are. :)
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby f-p » Tue Jan 31, 2012 10:03 pm

Not doing bad today thank-you, am I okay or just emotionally numb; I don't know! But I really don't want to go to the doctors 8-[
I find I'm fighting the 'okay' feeling, Difficult to explain so I can only hope that somebody reading this understands where I'm coming from with that... It doesn't make sense, Isn't fighting 'okay' very counter productive? not to mention pathetic and immensely self absorbed.
But I know if I don't handle this right, I've blown my last chance of getting some help and next time the inevitable black cloud descends I will have nowhere else to go.

I only have access to a shared printer at work so unfortunately so I won't be printing this thread out, but I thought I might just write some things down that I have felt since coming here. One of those being the paragraph you quoted highlandcow, thank-you.
This is going to be so difficult and I have never been so scared of failure. Thank-you all for your encouragement!
The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning ~Ivy Baker Priest~
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby snail » Tue Jan 31, 2012 10:42 pm

If you don't like what the doctor suggests or things don't work out you can just go back again, or see another doctor - this is a health problem like any other, so I don't think this will be your last chance. This is the beginning.
How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.

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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby f-p » Wed Feb 01, 2012 3:26 pm

I know, I know, you're right. I'm just aware that if I bottle out this time or don't get it right, It will take twice as much to go back a second time.
I know I'm going on and on about it a little too much now, fixating on it almost. I guess I just need to stop thinking about it and let it happen now. What will be will be... I'll be ok
The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning ~Ivy Baker Priest~
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby snail » Sat Feb 04, 2012 8:32 pm

So what happened yesterday?
How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.

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Re: Where do I go from here?

Postby f-p » Sat Feb 04, 2012 8:55 pm

Hi,

Well, I went and it was okay I guess. I was a bit of a mess by the time I got there really, I guess it was like a mini anxiety attack, I just couldn't stop shaking etc. 8-[
But, he was really good with me and calmed me down enough so that I could tell him everything that has been going on and how I've been feeling. He's prescribed me sertraline and given me a number to phone as they operate a self referal system for 'someone to talk to'. Apparently, when I have my first appointment they will decide from there the best route of councelling for me. I'm going to phone on Monday. I wasn't sure about starting the tablets but after talking to him about it, I decided I would give them a go, hopefully to jump start the process of putting myself back together!

I'm so glad I went, I'm so glad that its out in the open. The next hurdle is the phone call on Monday.

Again, thank-you all so much!
The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning ~Ivy Baker Priest~
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