This isn't me

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This isn't me

Postby dragon_rider » Tue Jan 17, 2012 4:49 pm

I have never suffered from SAD before - I don't know if I am now. But I am so down at the moment, and I don't know what to do about it. :(

I am generally a happy person, always laughing, always cheerful. I have my moments when I'm down or angry, but in general I'm cheerful and happy. I have a lovely life - wonderful husband, lovely home, great friends.

But at the moment I am really down and everything is upsetting me.

For example:

I am a member of a panotmime group and we are a month away from our performance. I don't have a particularly big role, but I have agreed to be box office and sell the tickets. This in itself is straight forward, but trying to get the marketing team to get the actual ticket designs to me is proving impossible, and when I emailed them asking if they could get them to me today (Tuesday) as I had the chance to print them all off (which takes ages and a lot of ink!), I got a really nasty email back saying that there was no need to have them so soon, I have no right to demand these things, I don't know how hard it is getting all the designs done in time, etc etc. Now, I felt that this was harsh, but normally, I would get a bit annoyed and send a sarky email back, but I just started crying. It ruined my entire afternoon and left me feeling competely drained and upset all day.

Then, I met my mum and brother for a drink after work, and it was all quite nice, I was starting to feel a bit better, when my dad rang to say that he had some bad news about my Grandparents' will. He'd been to see the solicitor (my Gran died a couple of months ago) and had then relayed the information about various things to his brothers. One of his brothers (well, his wife) kicked off about these things, she didn't like this, she didn't like that, she wanted a certain piece of jewellery and wasn't happy that she might not get it and so on, and then she accused my dad of refusing to see his brother because he's in a wheelchair (the brother, not my dad), which really hurt my dad as he isn't like that at all. It was really nasty and uncalled for, just because she can't have her own way. So that really upset me, and on top of the stuff in the afternoon, I went home and cried for ages and I just don't do that.

Then today, my mate at work was in such a bad mood and was being really nasty about everything I did, like I'd booked an appointment and he didn't like the timing of it (not that he'd said anything to me, so how was I to know?) and things like that, little things that really don't matter and would usually get me giving him a sarky reply, or telling him to b*gger off or something. Today I just sat at my desk and cried quietly. He didn't know I was, I sit behind him. But I just don't do that! I never cry like this. Everything that happens is making tearful.

These are just a couple of examples of the things that are making me upset. On Sunday I started properly crying, I mean, can't breathe, snot everywhere, hiccuping sobs type crying because I was tired and I had to get things ready for the next morning. The thought of having to get up and go to work, the fact that I was comfy on the sofa but had to get up and do the washing up and make the lunches for the next day etc, just caused me to practically have a break down. My husband didn't know what to do. He helped out with the jobs, but it wasn't even having to do them, it was just the fact that I couldn't just go up to bed, I had all these things to do. I hate that life intrudes so much, I never have enough time to do anything, or just be me these days.

I just don't know what to do, and even sitting and thinking about this is making my tummy go tight and my throat hurt which usually means more tears. I am so tired all the time, it doesn't matter how much sleep I get or how much I try and rest, I am always tired. I just don't know what to do. This isn't me, and I don't like it at all. I've never been like this before. Can you develop SAD?

Apologies for the essay but thank you if you made it this far. :)
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Re: This isn't me

Postby snail » Tue Jan 17, 2012 5:45 pm

SAD is a possibility (assuming you're located in the UK right now or somewhere of similar latitude) but if you have no history at all of greater depression and tiredness during the winter it's unlikely, as it doesn't happen suddenly. MIND have a lot of info on SAD:
http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_a ... e_disorder

Otherwise, is there any other possible cause? Any changes in your hormone levels like the menopause, or stresful or upsetting events in the last 5 years? Or any painful events from further back that you have only started dealing with recently?

The trouble with depression is that it's difficult to pinpoint any one cause, as things interact (i.e. winter light levels are low which can affect the brain, but winter is also cold and gloomy and Xmas can be stressful etc). Sometimes finding the cause doesn't matter of course, it's more about how to deal with it.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: This isn't me

Postby dragon_rider » Wed Jan 18, 2012 10:32 am

Thanks Snail.

I have never suffered from everything like this before, apart from about 10 years ago when my then boyfriend went to university, I missed him and got dreadfully upset and dissatisfied with my life, but I had a very obvious reason then.

I've had a think about things that have happened - a lot has happened in the last two years or so, I moved in with my boyfriend, then we got married, then we bought our new house. These were good things but they did tire me out and so I suppose they could be a factor. My mum had to have a massive operation September last year, which was quite a shock, we didn't know she was ill. She then got rushed to hospital on New Years Day with chest pains which turned out to be pleurisy so that was all quite panicky.

I've made an appointment with my doctor to talk about these things. I wrote a lot of the stuff down last night and talked about with my husband, and I do a lot of things. I work full time, and then most evenings I have either a band rehearsal, a panto rehearsal, singing lessons, church stuff... I am often so busy that I can't unwind at the end of an evening and end up going to bed later than intended. I have recently given a lot of stuff up - I used to be a youth worker in my church, but have dropped that as it was possibly the most stressful thing I was doing - but I am still tired. I am exhausted when I wake up in the morning, I am exhausted all day and I am exhausted by the time I get to bed.

On top of this, I have put on a lot, a lot of weight over the last 2 years. I think this stems from having got married, I love cooking for my husband, and treating him to cakes and things (Don't mean to boast but I make some amazing cakes) and so we have both put on weight, but I can't shift it. I've been running (ran 2 half marathons and a 10K) and barely lost a pound. My husband doesn't help, he loves me like this, he says he loves how cuddly I am, and I think he really means it. I love that he doesn't care and a lot of the time I don't care either, but sometimes, usually when something else has upset me, I feel disgustingly fat and huge. I can't seem to find the time, or the energy, to exercise, it's too much like hard work.

So, I am going to see my doctor and try and get this all sorted out, I hate being so miserable, it's just not me, I miss the happy, bubbly, laughing person that I am.

Thanks for your help.
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Re: This isn't me

Postby PinkLaydee » Wed Jan 18, 2012 3:22 pm

wooooah you need to slow down just reading your posts made me feel knackered. Its good to have fulfilled life of hobbies but it sounds like at the moment your doing far too much. you seem like the type of person who takes on board the problems of your family etc because you are close to them and care. But you need to just throw caution to the wind and have some YOU time. This time of year is often hard anyway dark cold nights when you have plenty to do but its too cold and miserable outside that you dont want to go out.
I think its brilliant that your going to see your GP but there are steps you need to take to just relax and work on getting your energy levels back and feel good about things again. We all have different ways of making ourself feel relaxed mine is to take time out have a bath, watch old movies from my childhood with a hot chocolate on my own. just having these few hours with nothin to do with no-one disturbing me is enough to just give me a boost.
I myself am not a depressed person at all but now and then when iv took on a bit too much an my energy levels are low i find myself weeping at anything and everything.

Good Luck an Hope you see a reversal in mood soon x
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Re: This isn't me

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jan 18, 2012 4:44 pm

I assume your not pregnant as that has a massive effect on hormones
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Re: This isn't me

Postby dragon_rider » Wed Jan 18, 2012 5:05 pm

Hi Bel Bel

It's not impossible that I was pregnant, but it's highly unlikely. I had my period the week between Christmas and New Year so if I am, it's only by about 2/3 weeks maximum. This has been going on for longer than that though, so I don't think that's the case.

I will mention it to the doctor on Monday though, and perhaps they can do a test or something.

Thanks :)
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Re: This isn't me

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Jan 19, 2012 11:45 am

Might be worth doing a test just to rule it out. Some people do have periods whilst pregnant
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