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Just need to tell someone

PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 5:38 pm
by EllenMayfair
Have so much in my head I need to tell someone, I don't know what I expect people to say but I need to have at least one person in the world to know EVERYTHING that is wrong with me even if they don't know who I am.

I have depression, I sometimes think not being able to feel is good, it stops me from feeling a lot and that is good with all the stuff going on. I cry sometimes though and cant leave my bed because everything hurts too much and I just scream silently. I can't do that much more, the walls are thin in my university halls so I have to be silent so I just try and not have the bad times.

I am anorexic, I think, definitely an eating disorder, ironically the anorexia feels like a good thing in my life right now, I started eating more though because my hair started falling out and I would rather be restricting calories and be fat with hair than eating nothing but thin (beautiful) and bald. I purged a few times but only want to save it for emergencies, I get the urge a lot now but don't do it, I am thankful I am at university and the halls have communal bathrooms as it stops me. I read it can destroy your throat and teeth, I know it can, so I would rather starve. Starving feels good too, I found a website that calculates how many calories that you burn just by living and you can average it out by what activities you do. I like to subtract what I eat from that in my mind, it makes me happy to see what is being burned. Its like imagining I am a furnace burning away all the disgustingness just by being strong and not eating. I lost weight, each pound feels like happiness and victory, I hadn't felt that in a while so anorexia is definitely a good thing.

Still suicidal sometimes, not as much as I used to be, its slow but I am making things better but am thinking that I could be bipolar as the main change in my behaviour is new periods of elation where I hardly sleep and am just everywhere, my friends have commented on how during these periods I talk faster and more than usual, after these periods I sleep at minimum 12 hours a night and can barely leave my room. I just can't move. If I let people know they might stop me from completing my goals as people with confirmed mental illness can't do the things I want to do, or even do some stuff that I do already, the reason I want to kill myself less is because these things have made my life better. If I tell people I cannot help myself alone like I have been. I don't want to tell my family or friends, but that leaves professionals who will only force me to do stuff I don't want to do. Let me reiterate, I am NOT going to kill myself, at times I have been weeping and desperate to die, but I am a stubborn person, I don't give up on anything. I won't hurt my family, their happiness is worth living like this. I feel like I can be a sacrifice to make sure they won't be sad, and it makes it feel better.

I am scared to come out as bisexual, this is just the tip of the iceberg of the torm that is my life, not only do I get a crappy hand I have to deal with a confusing sexuality. For a while I was so low I thought I was asexual so I missed out a lot of the firsts you have in the mid-teenage years. Due to trust and body issues I can't let people see me naked, so no sex or relationships, I am so lonely, I wish I was the type of person that could have casual sex. I can't though and the way my friends perceive me is on a very thin balance, I can't let them know I am all this but I have to try to be honest with them. So I can't have casual sex, because they would judge me and they have to see me as what I want them to see me as. I am on the edge of something and I don't know what. I would say breakdown but I have been keeping myself together for years, I can't tell whether I am getting better or better at pretending.

My Dad is, and has always been (he was worse when I was a child) verbally and occasionally physically abusive, very controlling and it fuels my self-hatred, my parents just divorced and I am deciding whether to keep contact with him, I have forgiven him as I can't hold on to any more negativity but he keeps on being a git so its difficult. I don't want to burn a bridge to that side of the family but I don't see the logic in perpetuating this negative relationship, but when I talk about just letting it die out it hurts my little brother and other family members on his side who I love and want to keep contact with.

I am feeling rejected and alone, I once told my mum I had depression and wanted to die and it just made her talk about her feeling depressed, the conversation concluded with me consoling her and her deciding to go to counselling. I hate how selfish she can be sometimes then I feel bad about that because she has had a difficult life too, but she has a huge support network I know because she has talked to family, friends and church members about her problems and then reports back to me, I don't have anyone and tried to open up that one time because even though I don't want to talk about it I knew that I should try and she ignored me. She should be the adult for once.

The main thing that has probably been an origin to my problems is T, my brother, he died when I was young but when he was alive the world was colourful and beautiful, but now I can only remember his death. I remember how cold my feet were, and wet, because I couldn't find my shoes when we have to leave the house when he was take to the hospital. We had to go next door whilst the paramedics performed CPR, he had already been dead for a while. I can see why Mum is sad too, but she is old enough to remember the happy times with him and I wasn't, that night when he died is my strongest childhood memory. That isn't fair and I really miss him. I feel like everyone around me is too innocent and I don't want to tell them because it will hurt them, I don't know any better because its all I know. When people try to ask me about my happiest childhood memory, I don't have one, between being an outcast, death, abuse and depression it has all swept away. But the abuse wasn't enough for a genuine complaint, I know others with really bad lives and I feel selfish.

This is too much to tell one person. I am lonely because I have no one to trust, I have tried. But telling one person ALL of this, I cannot do that to anyone. It would be selfish.

I am good at self-analysing, I highly doubt that there is much that anyone could tell me that I don't know about how I feel, psychology has always been a strong point for me. I know I should be talking this out with someone and getting, hence the writing it out. I was thinking out writing a letter to a family member or putting this up online somewhere, even if this ends up being just for me then it is okay. I wish things were easier. I have to carry on going, working at making things better. But sometimes the just not caring of the depression mixed with the tiredness of not eating means I can't function. Its been a bit better lately but not much, I couldn't have written it out like this before. I wish someone could scoop my heart out of my chest and make it sweet and light again. It feels like a gaping chasm sometimes that weighs me down, I feel too young to literally know how a heavy heart feels. It all seems so melodramatic, like I have made it up to be sad, like so many bad things for one person is stupid and so statistically impossible so it has to be bull. When I get like this, too sad, it gives me a headache at the back of my brain and I feel a like I am going to be sick. I feel tired too, even though I'm not.

I want to be able to see the beauty in the world, so I am working on being better, I don't want to stop until I see the world the way happy people do. I make sure I have rules so all of this doesn't get too self-destructive. I just wish it could stop though.

I know this is crazy long, thanks if you managed to get to the end. Just need to purge to someone anonymous.

Edited for swearing.
Peecee (Admin)

Re: Just need to tell someone

PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:04 pm
by retrochav
You have been extremely brave by opening up like this. That suggests to me that you have the seeds of strength that now need to grow.

You eating disorder is linked to control. When everything seems chaotic and out of control it's natural to want to control some aspect of life. Food is an obvious choice. Like self harm, it replaces one pain with another, and initially seems to counter emotional pain. Yet as you know, masking pain doesn't take it away. You have correctly identified that the physical dangers of an eating disorder are rotten teeth, damaged intestines, hair loss etc. additionally you'll stop periods, have brittle bones, and many other illnesses. Even if skeletal looks were beautiful (and its not) you'd be far too ill to appreciate it.

The rapid cycles of mood sounds like bi-polar disorder, or manic depression. It is common to have what is known as co-morbidities with it (additional mental health issues).

None of this makes you a bad person. It isn't a punishment. It's an illness that can be managed and sometimes even cured. I suffer with manic depression and used to have "highs" and "lows" like you describe. I struggled with my body weight (as a gay guy the ideal is presented as super muscles or stick thin) I wasn't naturally built to be either!

After years of trying to cope and keep it secret, I wrote down how I felt and gave it to doctor. I was so low I didn't care if they planned to section me. Actually the doctor explained why I felt like it and arranged counselling. I didn't want antidepressants, fearing I would get hooked. The doctor rightly said that if I had diabetes I wouldn't fear the medication, or if I had an infection I would take anti biopics. So I tried them. It took a few weeks, and counselling took a few months, but I felt better. My doctor phased me off the medication and now I only go back for short bursts if I hit a very bad low, which is less and less.

I would strongly urge you to discuss it with the doctor as I did. You have had to cope with far more than a person should ever have to, and you deserve better.

As for your sexuality, there is nothing wrong with bisexual feelings. It's none of your friends business who you may choose to sleep with. You have made the right choice by not having lots of casual sex right now. It would make you feel good for a short while, then you would feel repulsed, used and hurt. Far better to focus on you and your needs, so that you will feel strong enough to enjoy love with the person, or people you want to be with - as opposed to going with people to feel validated.

You have found the strength to break the silence. Now find the strength to break the illness. Good luck

Re: Just need to tell someone

PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 11:54 am
by Bel Bel
I don't think you are living at the moment but just existing
You can have a life but you will have to be brave and tell the doctor
I agree with everything Retrochav says
Perhaps print off a copy of this post and take it with you
The quicker you start to get help the quicker you can start to see the beauty in the world again and free yourself from this dark place you are in

Re: Just need to tell someone

PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 3:13 pm
by snail
I do agree that seeing your GP is the best place to start. But if the idea of talking to your doctor seems very frightening, something in between telling members on this forum and telling your doctor could be to phone the Samaritans. You could then experience talking to a real person about it, and see how that feels. My boyfriend is a Samaritan, and he really values the fact that he is an ear for people who feel they can't say what they are saying to anyone else.

Perhaps you could also come here again from time to time, and let us know how you are getting on.

Re: Just need to tell someone

PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 3:31 am
by EllenMayfair
Thanks, guys. Actually writing down my problems has helped me a lot in and of itself. I haven't really put everything together as one thing before and normally each problem seems too small to bother people with (though all together seems too big!) and I am trying to focus on sorting each thing. I have never been one to talk about my problems at all so just opening up and admitting I need to tell someone has been really difficult for me. Normally I am the person people go to with problems but I don't like to bother people so I normally deal with everything alone. Another aspect is that I have had depression for most of my adult life so I really don't even know what 'normal' is, having all these problems are pretty normal for me, but since I wrote this I have been having good days so things haven't been so bad. It really reinforces that I need to start talking about it, and will start looking into different options for help. As I am away from home I am away from my normal GP, and to put it simply the one here is a complete b*tch, I know that I would be way to uncomfortable to talk to her. But I am looking into the different counseling services I have at university.

Also I would really love to thank you retrochav, I have reread what you have put a few times when I have started to go into the dark place a little bit and it really helps me center myself and think about things logically and calmly. So honestly, what you said is exactly what I need, thanks.