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I can't sleep :(

PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2014 5:30 am
by Tarantula

About one night in every five I simply cannot sleep. My mind buzzes and it usually takes me until around 6am to switch off. Then I'll wake up around 11am and be a zombie for the day. I keep having to cancel plans because I just can't operate without my sleep. :(

Certain themes playing in my mind are common to my insomniac nights...

I'm not over the awfulness of my last 'relationship'. I go over and over it in my mind on these nights and feel angry and sad at what I endured. I don't think about it the rest of the time but it just gets in my head when I can't sleep and I want to lash out at him and at the same time I miss the fantasy I had in my head of him/us. NB: I don't miss how it actually was, which is why I eventually managed to walk away. I haven't spoken to him since we broke up a month ago, except when he text me some word salad last week, which I'm annoyed at myself for replying to however neutrally - it didn't go anywhere, but he is bad news and I need to stay away from him permanently.

Then there's the guy before that and, basically, same story in terms of lingering damage caused by that experience. It's like I've slowly and painfully woken up from my own delusions about both of those 'relationships' - and I'm ashamed I ever went there. I'm just disgusted at them, disgusted at myself, and disgusted by the reality that I'm actually with someone new now, who I impulsively rebounded onto three days after the last split - Tinder match - but who might actually be alright.

But what do I know? I'm so sick from questioning myself constantly, I'm so terrified of landing in another situation, I'm waiting for it to all go wrong... and when it doesn't - and it hasn't yet - I feel ashamed at how it started. He doesn't know, obviously. I know I needed to take some time off but this new guy seemed to kind and reliable (and attractive) so I went for it again, always scared of missing out on 'The One' by 'arbitrarily' choosing to be on my own.

I feel so sick from stress right now and I have a headache and wish I could just take those bad memories out of my head and erase them. I'm so mad about how badly I was treated before and the worst part of it, for me, is that they never apologised or showed any kind of remorse. I'm really vulnerable to people who never, ever, ever say sorry or back down even 1%. It hurts me a lot because I just can't understand how some people can be so cold. There's no closure for me.

This new guy seems decent so far but I'm scared of messing it up because I'm so desperate not to be treated badly again that I'm trying to fault-find. And if I find nothing, I just feel guilty.

I don't want to go back to any previous guy; if I did, I would unblock and go for it, try with him/them. But I feel so sick over how much of a doormat I was and I'm not sure how to let it go. I think that's why I'm losing sleep.

I feel ill.

Re: I can't sleep :(

PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2014 11:21 pm
by snail
Hi Tarantula

I can identify with much, in fact almost all, of what you're saying, particularly about the lack of closure when people don't apologise for treating you really awfully. Unfortunately I don't think there is an easy answer here. These are tough feelings that you just have to process. Like you, I do the not sleeping thing (for me it's more of a waking up in the middle of the night thinking Oh my god I've ruined my life thing) and I think it's about difficult thoughts that you can suppress during the day because there's more to occupy your mind. Practising good sleep hygiene will help (as I'm sure you are already aware) but other than that I think you just have to ride it out. Each time this happens you are dealing with these things a little more - I think that's why it's never every night, it's more like having 'sessions'. Eventually it will stop.

Re: I can't sleep :(

PostPosted: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:12 pm
by Bel Bel
If you usually go to bed at 10 got at 11. That way each night you are having one less hour and hopefully by day 5 your body won't be able to stay awake
Got to be worth a try.
Otherwise get a really gripping book or an audio tape to listen to
Use distraction techniques like trying to do a puzzle where your brain has to think
Glad you finally gave that guy the push you are so much better than that :D

Re: I can't sleep :(

PostPosted: Sat Nov 22, 2014 11:56 pm
by Tarantula
I broke it off with new guy because I'm messed up from the last and generally out of kilter.

Nothing proves this like getting deliriously drunk, going ballistic at new guy for no reason (well, for just TALKING to a bar girl), L bombing the guy before him - you know, Italian Mafioso-wannabe badman - and slapping new guy. Twice.

That happened last Tuesday night, I apologised profusely but didn't disclose the contact with the ex... until I broke it off with new guy last night. He was just lost for words, the poor guy.

Today I tried to wriggle back asking if there's any way he can overlook my awful behaviour and he didn't reply. I totally get it. I wouldn't give me another chance either. We have a mutual friend who says he'll talk to him for me but I dunno, I think he's made a clever choice.

Part of the reason I couldn't sleep is just out of guilt of knowing I'm still not over what the last guy put me through. I'm not over being a victim..

If new guy does get back to me I promise I'll be good and, now that he knows things, I think I could put it behind me, but...

This ain't the movies and in real life, I doubt this'll have a happy ending.

I messed up and I owned it and I'm paying for it. No one is giving me more of a mental beating up than myself. If I met me now, I wouldn't even know me. Basic standards have been compromised again and again this year. It's why, when drunk, I still want to make something of the past so that I don't have to face how much of a fool I was, and can write off some of that overwhelming emotional debt.

But now it's got to the point where I'm letting innocent new people down. I'm just down and out.

Can't feel bad forever. But at the same time, new guy seemed decent and I totally ballsed it up. Well done me.

Re: I can't sleep :(

PostPosted: Mon Nov 24, 2014 4:40 pm
by Bel Bel
I really think you need to be on your own for a bit and learn to be comfortable by yourself
Get to the point where you are picking who you want not just someone to be with