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Help me from falling in the pit again

PostPosted: Tue Nov 25, 2014 5:37 pm
by Nomad
Oh boy. Here we go again. I have 20+ years of battling with depression behind me and despite the reading and the bouts of therapy, the mindfulness courses and the self awareness work - here I go again.

For the first time I feel much more aware that I am going down. In fact I think I am already a fair way in, but I reaaaaally want to do something about it. I've been here too many times before. This time it is a little different, it feels I am doing it with knowledge and life experience. It feels like I am weirdly in control of myself, but in fact what I am in a numb, buried person going through the motions.

I'm deliberately not running at the moment, in an attempt to face it all. Which makes me feel doubly scared and vulnerable, and alone. I've gone through many cycles over the years of changing jobs, moving, leaving boyfriends, dating others, literally moving abroad and so on, to try and dislodge the grimness of 'me'. Ive just come home from another continent where I was literally hiding in the jungle for a few years. Now I'm trying to study in a desperate attempt to 'follow my heart' - but I am not sure if all I have done is great another excuse to be cut off. " oh i cant do that as i have to study". And that in itself is making me worse as I am spending a l lot of time alone (nothing new there) and procrastinating like there is no tomorrow, feeling worse all the time in a sea on self doubt and low self esteem.

So being back in normal society is tough in itself. In my late 30s and literally knee deep in new borns and couples. I love my friends, but i find it harder to be around them. My very best friend, a wonderful friend, has just had her first. Things change, I knwo this is so. But I want to change. I dont enjoy the pressures of society and being in a city, but i do enjoy being near to people or i think i may disappear all together. its like i feel i have to force myself to be here. trying to be normal. I left another failed relationship earlier this year, and have returned to a 'home' where injury has forced me to give up old sporting hobbies (my main sense of belonging) and where everyone around me has moved on or is so very settled that they are not free.

So what do you do... You get on with it. And I am trying hard. I am exhausted by trying. I am 'trying' not to put too much pressure on myself. I am 'trying' to meet new people. I am 'trying' to deal with some demons. I am forcing myself to go to events alone which in itself takes a lot of energy. I am trying to find more people like me. But who is that. I dont have any single friends (bar one who lives a long way away), and I love the guys, but they have their own thing.

What do I do about my loneliness? I am exhausted with fighting it. I'm not an obviously lonely person which makes me even more isolated, as no one realises. What do I do say "by the way, you might not realise it but i am really lonely, its making me depressed, can you help me". My best mate would look at me blankly and maybe laugh as i'd say it with a sort of formal coping tone, being all so practical and sensible as i am with everything.

I feel so incredibly disconnected from the rest of the world. I dont feel like I fit anywhere. Most of the time no one knows where I am or what I am doing. I have perverse images in my head of me falling down the stairs and no one finding me for weeks. I've a history of depressive illness and i'm worried im heading down a slipperly slope but dont know what else i can do about it. I try to go to things but lately find myself cutting myself off more and more from people I know.

I am however not helping myself writing this as I have a deadline and an unwritten paper.

If anyone has any good positive active ideas of how I can lift myself I would really appreciate it. I feel I'm trying so many things and still I am slipping. I cant remember the last time I had a libido (probably a good thing as there are no men in my world) which is probably the longest it has been absent (over 6 months). I cant remember the last time I had physical contact with anyone, other than dance class. Oh and last week my mate gave me a hug as I was sad about dad going into a home (he has dementia - also not helping the joy).

Violins!!! I dont want to be negative and self absorbed and woe is me, I really dont :-({|=
There is an article on here about depression at the mo and it says about looking after yourself and not giving yourself to others. I'm not even available to others. I want to help my friends and my family, but I am just not here.

Re: Help me from falling in the pit again

PostPosted: Mon Dec 01, 2014 4:44 pm
by Bel Bel


sorry on caps

If you bleed you treat it so why not get treatment for not feeling well in your head?

Re: Help me from falling in the pit again

PostPosted: Wed Dec 10, 2014 6:18 pm
by Nomad
Thank you - for some reason I never saw this reply. I have been up and down like a yo yo.
I have been to doctors many times in the past and have been completely put off. I am not convinced the nhs know how to deal with mental health and in the past it has ended up and a greater problem for me. When i was young i was put on pills which were not well planned for me and hard to come off and i really dont believe in taking things anyway. I dont think they are the answer unless you literally cant eat or function.
Later i was refered for CBT which in the long run has been helpful but the GPs were awful each time and made me feel more isolated. Then later when i had a crash i was signed off work with depressive illness, but they had no suggestions on how to help me long term.
These days I am trying my own ways (mindfulness courses, yoga) and used to see a therapist too but dont feel that is useful now. i like to be more pro active. Because of the ups and downs its hard to stick to a path. Sometimes i wonder if i am bipolar. But ive known others with the condition and i seem so ok compared with them. Mostly.
Who knows, i'll keep muddling and try to cope. If i have another drop i may bring it up with a doc again but it makes my heart sink at the thought.
Thanks for replying though

Re: Help me from falling in the pit again

PostPosted: Thu Dec 11, 2014 9:50 am
by Bel Bel
you could call MIND they may be able to offer some other options or at least a friendly ear from people who understand