Need to clear my head

[MisterModest]

Haha, just having a friendly ear to listen is more than just enough, as much as you are just observing, you aren't being judgemental and are being very helpful and constructive for me to just let it all out in the open without feeling at a loss, so I say once again I'm truly thankful.

Heh aye, isn't that just always the way? But that's reassuring to hear, as much as I have seen many people been told the same, it's just relieving to say the least. As it just comes and goes in waves over and over when I least expect it and it just drives me lower and lower dwelling on the subject without my control, as I just can't seem to find even 5 minutes to just practice breathing exercises nor to even calm myself down as I'm forever paranoid in my household. Just always. Even when I can assure myself that nothing is wrong, it just starts all up again because of the smallest of things, like (now more than anything) times I just want to be left alone to have a breather, but than one of my two brothers will just barge into the room. It's got the point where just the sight of my family discomforts me, and I know that's worrying.

But I agree, I have never judged another on their sexual orientation, as I believe that whoever we love is our choice. But it's just I have always, and I don't want to offend, been discomforted by the subject of gay men. Not that I have ever felt threatened, but as my girlfriend used to call me a "manly man" XD I really have no way to put it except I have always known my sexuality as straight as I have always adored women. And it's odd but, I have even tried um.. visioning myself in a homosexual encounter but I just.. can't? Like it's never myself, it's always other men, or I would somehow imagine things from the women's perspective (which is always my girlfriend...) I really don't know how to explain it which is most of the problem and I don't want to be too personal either h-hah but if I ever do come across myself in my own imagination it's always with my girlfriend. But you're right, I think most of the problem is rooted from my own judgement, I keep labelling it as "gay" thoughts. But aye haha, because of the groin problem I had started feeling at a loss of, well being a man which had gotten me distant from my girlfriend in the first place.

But you do make a good point there... i never intended nor ever wish to ever become a responsibility, nor do I feel the same for her. It's just worrying has become a daily thing, not that there hasn't been a moment we don't worry but within reason- especially now when I know there's so many things worrying her (all the things around us in all honesty) which in turn worries me. But you are very right.

[reckoner]

So you're living at home with your family? I think that's bound to make dealing with emotional turmoil much harder. As you say, you have no space both physically and mentally, but also I think families have a very fixed idea of the identities of individual members, when the reality is so much more complex and fluid (especially at 21), which adds another level of suffocation. I can tell you from personal experience that there is no lonelier place on earth than a crowd of people that don't know or understand what you're feeling. Especially family, who know you better than anyone, but not half as well as they think they do.

I can imagine that the intensity of feeling you're experiencing might be, at least in part, a measure of your living circumstances. You have less time to process the thoughts rushing through your head (I get mad thoughts too, I'm sure we all do, and have as little idea as you about where they come from). Assuming it's not easy to change your living circumstances, I cannot recommend highly enough, however silly or basic it sounds, the recuperative power of a good long walk. Four miles minimum. Gets you out of the house, away from your family and out into the landscape and the elements. Get a brisk pace going - it really takes you out of yourself. And watch lots and lots of high quality comedy.

It did strike me that your thoughts about sexuality seem more a reflection of your sense of masculinity than your actual sexuality. As a woman, there have been countless times when I've wished I were a man, but if men's statistical advantages regarding jobs, money, social standing etc. give you more freedom, the concept of masculinity seems as much, and in some ways more, of a prison to me than the concept of femininity. If I decide to get into power tools, my femininity is not as adversely affected as a man's masculinity if they start, I dunno, buying makeup. So I completely understand how you might feel the pressure to be masculine, and fear of failure if you can't - certainly if Top Gear is anything to go by! Frankly, I believe these concepts of masculinity and femininity are an elaborate and highly profitable fiction. I'm not saying there aren't differences between the genders (there is, after all, the small matter of biology), but that the qualities that make us admire and respect people transcend them.

It is a horrible feeling when events that impact your life in a major way are out of your control, like what has happened to separate you from your girlfriend. But you shouldn't have just one person on whom you depend. I suspect the relationship has insulated you and caused you to get locked into a world with just you and her in it, which you're afraid to leave. I think this is a real opportunity for you to expand your horizons.

[MisterModest]

Yeah.. sadly. And I just have to say, I haven't ever found anybody so.. understanding and realistic about the subject, so thank you. My family feel that "family always comes first" and sure, it does as family are your family, but there comes a time when we all need to understand that we are all grown individuals, all with our own needs and priorities. It actually took me a whole 3 years just just to tell my mother and sister about my online relationship, in which my mother had just responded with "well.. that's not exactly a relationship is it?", which is the reason why I was so hostile previously. I have been continuously fronted with this kind of response. Even by my own mother who has now entirely forgotten that I had once told her, whereas my sister does give me that freedom to talk openly about the subject, which I'm very thankful and grateful of.

The walk does sound very, comforting, but if I'm honest I have tried to do so in the past, but because I have grown so... cold towards just people in general over the years I just can't seem to find the peace of mind, anywhere, apart from knowing that my girlfriend is only a message away (as much as I wished I could be able to walk down the street or something and just meet up with her...) I constantly always feel, on edge I guess, like I'm permanently watched and judged wherever I am or go. But I truly appreciate the thought and I will be forcing myself, as much as I may hold reluctance to the thought, but I will make myself go on regular walks- maybe to the local park or fields and just not let things pressure me too much, as now of all times I truly need it.

Aye, sadly this is the world we live in where masculinity is always questioned and pressured, but the odd thing is I have never had a single thought of masculinity until now. I realise it is mostly due to my groin- which is mostly the reason behind my stress as I just feel it won't be resolved, which is the mindset I need to get out of, but it's alot to do with being away from her. It's like, i cant be the man to the only woman, the woman of my life as odd as it may sound? And also I feel I-it has heavily to do with sex, a-as much as we are far apart sex will always be there on the back of our minds (as we have consulted it alot, along with sharing intimate photos..) and we have been, way too frequently torn away from eachother during these times. Which just makes us both relate problems with this area, which in turn has made me feel, in the lightest way I can put it, castrated.

But you're right with feeling as if I have been locked away into our own world, as truly nothing else matters when I can talk to her, and just being able to speak with her makes every single day, a day. I don't want to sound Mooshy but, she is the world I have always wanted, of course I wished it could have been much closer, but none the less, as she was always the horizon I was looking on since before I could even remember. I just very much love her, and it truly hurts to be away, and I want nothing more than to take her away from all the hassles she has to put up with on a day to day basis, just as I know she does me.

Oh and I forgot to mention that I do have a friend of mine that I can actually call a friend unlike the rest, where we have been friends for a good 8 years or so but had recently told him about my relationship also (as I did fear being judged by my "friends" from previously being so, and if im honest just felt It was my business so why should it be a necessity to tell everybody?) But I was surprised as he just said "took your time", but I had realised I hadn't cared for his or anyone's judgement on the matter, but now I can speak openly about her to him also which is rather liberating.

(This is gonna sound weird but I never assumed you being a woman a-and I don't want to come off even more weirder by saying saying I'm glad that you are, as I feel I have been really missing the feminine comfort, so um y-yeah hehah)

[reckoner]

I have no brothers and sisters so your family sounds like a football team compared to mine! The difficulties I had with establishing my individuality under the glare of both my parents' concerns and expectations may have played out differently compared to yours ("family comes first" didn't need to be said out loud because there was nothing to compete with family loyalty - when I was small, I misunderstood the term 'only child' as 'lonely child' ), but I think the struggle to establish personal identity against the background of family is a universal one. I don't think any of us can really explore our individuality, with freedom anyway, until we're out of the family unit. I love my parents dearly but I have to take a deep breath and count to 10 at least once to get through dinner peacefully. So, while I wish for a time when my family understands that I'm a grown individual, I don't think it will ever come. I've also attained a certain level of peace since I stopped expecting it. You can only be patient and think of your family mantra as something that's intended for your protection and support, even if it seems stifling. Having a brother or sister with a sympathetic ear was always my impossible dream!

I can understand how strange the idea of an online relationship is for people, like your parents, who remember what life was like before the internet took over. Someone spilling their heart out to their lover looks exactly the same as someone working on a spreadsheet. Online provides a private space that allows you to express yourself more freely than is possible in the 'real' world where things like physical appearances and social norms play much more of a role. For example, I love the anonymity of being online and being able to talk about deeply personal things with complete honesty that can't be interpreted in the context of whether I'm a man or woman unless I want them to. I think it shows how online communication can be simultaneously completely real and completely unreal! I think it is also the problem - it insulates you from the realities of life, like whether she blocks the plughole with hair after a shower or squeezes toothpaste tubes in the middle rather than at the end. That wouldn't matter with a friendship, but I think it does with a long-term relationship where trivial matters become magnified. Online, the bubble of being in love can grow and grow, I think making it vulnerable to being pricked by reality at some point down the line - the trivialities and tedium of day to day life that a successful relationship must navigate. I think you have to be patient with people's apparent lack of understanding - for example, your parents know what it's like to maintain love while managing a large household populated by a small army of children. Personally, I think being together is a stronger test of love than being separated. And my parents also appear to have minimal recollection of conversations I've had with them!

Also, you'll never be able to take each other away from each others hassles - those hassles are life itself. Generally speaking, I think it's neither possible nor recommendable to get away from them, however desirable it may be - you can only provide support.

this is the world we live in where masculinity is always questioned and pressured, but the odd thing is I have never had a single thought of masculinity until now...

Actually, I think this paragraph demonstrates how your relationship might have insulated you from underlying concerns. Your relationship with her was your proof of your masculinity, which I think might be why you now feel emasculated. I think relationships can be detrimental to our personal development because it's much easier to accept ourselves if someone else accepts you. Proof of self-acceptance can only come when you're on your own. I think that one call with her that makes your day is too narrow a window for you to base your self-confidence and self-acceptance on. For me, it's a sign that you need to broaden the sources from which you gain your strength. I also think you might have grown cold to other people because you've come to rely on her. No one else seems to understand you like she does, so you stopped feeling the need to make an effort. The fact that you told your friend about the relationship and that he accepted it just shows how capable you are of breaking down your barriers and how you will benefit from it.

Try the walk again - go somewhere you've never been before. If you go to familiar places, you're right, you don't actually have to pay attention to what's around you and you won't get out of your head. But take care - don't want you to get lost!

[reckoner]

How are you, Mister?

[MisterModest]

Oh, hey Reckoner, I'm terribly sorry for not replying to your previous message.. i had been meaning to but.. well, I guess this answers your question.. i haven't been too good. More than usual I suppose h-haha. I had been able to talk with my online Therapist, but I only get half an hour sessions.. so we hadn't covered much. She seems nice though I suppose. I am really starting to feel, not myself anymore... like not as in I'm changing or anything but like I'm just not.. me? If that sounds weird or not... as I had this moment the other day where I was staring at my hand because my sister told me I "have nice hands" apparently and should become a "hand model" *blinks dumbfounded*. But as I was doing it I-it just felt like I was staring at someone else's hand... i don't know how to explain it i guess. I'm just starting to feel really, distant with and within myself. But i have been able to speak with my girlfriend more than before, which is really great, but even then it just feels as if we can't be the same anymore either... as I just miss her, and I don't know how many times it'll take to finally be told "alright I get it, you miss me". I don't know. I'm completely conflicted at the moment. The dreams have completely stopped which is very relieving, but now the thoughts throughout the day have become more constant. But I have come to the realisation that the thoughts are now just brought on from my wrong doing of searching it up on Google, like just something you can't unsee... but I don't know. Thank you for asking though, I'm just really, really depressed and lower than I was before.

Oh, and I just wanted to clear up about my mom, that she is a single parent and has been for a good 14-15 years now, and had never gotten married. She also said me and my brother aren't "normal" for being in a long distance relationship- or in her words "why can't you and your brother just be NORMAL and get into NORMAL relationships"- this was when I had gathered the courage to finally tell her about it all. My brother isn't as in such a long distance relationship as me though, his is a coach journey away... Lucky basket... and well my mom had been the nightlife "partygoer" rebel when she was my age, and expects me to be the same, as that's what she expects as the normal thing to do, as even though she knows full well about the relationship all she ever goes on about is i need to get out and "chat up some birds"... but that's my mom for you. My family aren't any better.