Just feel hugely down.

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Just feel hugely down.

Postby Kollette » Fri Sep 28, 2007 8:46 pm

Apologies before I begin (this includes massive rant).

I'm just feeling really down at the minute. Combination of things:
* I missed my period and can't really talk to my boyfriend about it. I dont want to worry him unneccesarily as he's had to go through abortion before and is really sensitive to the issue. Also I feel like if its nothing then thats insensitive and silly as he's been through the real thing.
* My home at the minute is a bit of a warzone.
* I dont get to see my boyfriend as we go to different universities and when I do see him/speak to him I end up being distant and cause arguments because Im upset that I know he is going away again.
* I had a really bad night out last night. It was my leaving party at work but it sucked. Plus a guy from work who is engaged to a girl at work has a thing for me and it gets difficult being in the middle of them.
* I just upset one of my housemates even though the issue was silly. I didnt even mean to cause the argument or upset her, it was just the icing on the cake and I snapped when I didnt mean too. I've apologised but still feel awful and awkward.
* Everything in my uni house keeps breaking and it is so frustrating, especially when it falls to me to sort out things when I have no clue whats up with them.
* Im worried about my sister as she is self harming and struggeling at school. I feel I should make it all better but I cant talk about it as I used to do it and its a difficult subject for me. I dont feel I could offer anything useful or constructive.
* My boyfriend doesnt explain things very well. He makes things sound awful and because im not there its hard to cope with. He tells me things in such a way it makes it difficult to understand what is actually happening.
* He also gave me an STD and it has been really really hard to cope with. Its all sorted but its still in my mind.
I dont want this to turn into a bf bashing but
* I have an issue with understanding sex within the context of my religion. Im not sure if its right and he knows how I feel but sometimes it feels like he isnt sensitive to how I feel. He comes to chapel with me but then insults my religion when we arent there and its hurtful. Im trying so hard to be good but he seems to like calling me a bad Christian. I have tried to explain how this makes me feel but the more people he is with it seems the more religious jokes follow. He can be sparse with the truth too or distort it. I always get the truth eventually but getting there can be tough and distressing.

Sorry, huge rant.
Apologies guys x x
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Re: Just feel hugely down.

Postby pink stripes » Fri Sep 28, 2007 9:55 pm

Hi there, sorry to hear that yur not feeling to great :(

Kollette wrote:I'm just feeling really down at the minute. Combination of things:
* I missed my period and can't really talk to my boyfriend about it. I dont want to worry him unneccesarily as he's had to go through abortion before and is really sensitive to the issue. Also I feel like if its nothing then thats insensitive and silly as he's been through the real thing.

Ok, if yuu really do think that there is chance of a pregnancy yuu must get it checked out, and sooner rather than lter so yuu can both decide on what to do.
Kollette wrote:* My home at the minute is a bit of a warzone.


Not really quite sure what to suggest here *sorry :(* but hopefully things will calm down
Kollette wrote:* I dont get to see my boyfriend as we go to different universities and when I do see him/speak to him I end up being distant and cause arguments because Im upset that I know he is going away again.
Ok don't waste time in being upset when he is with yuu - ii know its hard because ii have the same problem. Spend yur time with him being happy and enjoy being together :)
Kollette wrote:* I had a really bad night out last night. It was my leaving party at work but it sucked. Plus a guy from work who is engaged to a girl at work has a thing for me and it gets difficult being in the middle of them..
AS it was yur leaving party yuu don't ave to worry abotu this so much.
Kollette wrote:* I just upset one of my housemates even though the issue was silly. I didnt even mean to cause the argument or upset her, it was just the icing on the cake and I snapped when I didnt mean too. I've apologised but still feel awful and awkward..
Exlpain yur situation to yur house mate - i'm sure they will understand. :)
Kollette wrote:* Everything in my uni house keeps breaking and it is so frustrating, especially when it falls to me to sort out things when I have no clue whats up with them..
Ask for help from the others who live their - its their place aswell so they should help and they certainly shouldn't just expect yuu to do it
Kollette wrote:* Im worried about my sister as she is self harming and struggeling at school. I feel I should make it all better but I cant talk about it as I used to do it and its a difficult subject for me. I dont feel I could offer anything useful or constructive..
First of all in a situation like this people do sometimes feel like they can't help - but yuu know wht - yur her sister. yur so important and she will alawyas need yur supprt - Especially now when shes having problems. be there for, talk to her. Spend time with her. All this will help :)
Kollette wrote:* My boyfriend doesnt explain things very well. He makes things sound awful and because im not there its hard to cope with. He tells me things in such a way it makes it difficult to understand what is actually happening..
Ask him to explain things better so that yuu can help :)
Kollette wrote:* He also gave me an STD and it has been really really hard to cope with. Its all sorted but its still in my mind.
I dont want this to turn into a bf bashing but.
If it's still in yur mind then yuu nee dto talk to him about it - let him supprt yuu. :)
Kollette wrote:* I have an issue with understanding sex within the context of my religion. Im not sure if its right and he knows how I feel but sometimes it feels like he isnt sensitive to how I feel. He comes to chapel with me but then insults my religion when we arent there and its hurtful. Im trying so hard to be good but he seems to like calling me a bad Christian. I have tried to explain how this makes me feel but the more people he is with it seems the more religious jokes follow. He can be sparse with the truth too or distort it. I always get the truth eventually but getting there can be tough and distressing..
He shouldnt't be making jokes about yur religion - its so disrespectful and its hurting yuu so telling him and ask him to stop

Hope this all helps :D

--x
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Postby Kollette » Sun Sep 30, 2007 2:47 pm

Thanks :)

The house and my friends are sorted but im pregnant. It hasnt hit me yet though.
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Postby pink stripes » Sun Sep 30, 2007 3:17 pm

how do yuu feel about being pregnant? Happy or confused?

Have yuu told yur bf?

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Postby Kollette » Sun Sep 30, 2007 3:40 pm

Yes, we have decided on abortion. I can't provide a life for someone else, I cant do anything else, Im a student with my boyfriend 100miles away, hardly any money and I dont think my body could cope with this.

I do want a baby, but I want to be able to provide and give it the best life I possibly can. If this continues then that won't happen, and I can't sentance any one to that. It would be more cruel to do that.

Im very scared and I dont know what abortion intails, but I know that I wouldnt be able to forgive myself if I brought someone into the world only to give them a life which would not be perfect or where I couldnt devote everything to them.
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Postby brfc » Sun Sep 30, 2007 6:17 pm

its entirly up to you as too weather you have this baby or not but i dont believe theres such a thing as bringing a baby up into a perfect life.

i got my g/f pregnant by accident after only a month of knowning her and at the time i was living in a bedsit and she was living at home with her parents. i loved my g/f and could see a future together. (funny only after a month i know) anyway we decided to keep the baby and work around all the problms that comes with having a baby and with the help of freinds / family we now rent our own 2 bed place and couldnt be more happier. before you go down the route of abortion make sure that it is what you want or you,ll end up regretting it later.
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Postby Kollette » Tue Oct 02, 2007 9:24 am

Part of me doesnt want to hurt it, but I guess thats just an inbuilt thing.

But I really can't. Even if I was to drop out of uni I couldnt expect my bf to do that aswell and nor would I want him too so I would have no help. I wouldnt want it to be brought up by my parents as their marriage is in rapid decline and home is no environment for a baby.

I am expecting to always feel a bit bad and strange about what I have done afterwards, but I would feel a million times worse if I subjected someone else to my home life with my parents.

I am in no financial situation to do this on my own, even if I dropped out (which I am not prepared to do, I still have 1 and a bit years left of a degree, and 4 years for a MA and PhD before I leave!) I am already in over £10 000 in debt due to top up fees. Where I am living now is rented accomodation with other students and so I would have to move out if I had a baby. It would also arrive in the middle of my exams.

So if I had a baby, the father wouldnt be around much, they wouldnt have anywhere to live, I wouldnt be able to provide because of debt and I wouldnt be able to get a decent enough job as I wont even have completed my degree.

I had a slightly difficult upbringing because of my parents and the decline of their marriage and consequent problems of that such as my mum drinking too much etc and I always vowed to myself that I would be happily married with a house and security before I had a baby, so that atleast they have security at home.

Maybe that situation wouldnt be perfect. But it will atleast be secure.

You have managed to provide a secure home environment for your baby, but I wont be able too yet, not for a little while either. I want the best for my baby and if s/he doesnt get that then I would not be able to forgive myself.
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Postby Bel Bel » Tue Oct 02, 2007 3:15 pm

You have put good reasons forward why not to have the baby and you aren't exactly stable in your relationship with bf from what you've written previously.
Don't beat yourself up about it what's done is done and you need to do what you think is best.
The actually procedure is not too bad and is over relatively quickly.
Once you have got through the abortion you will have to deal with the emotional side of it and you will probalby feel down and out of sorts for a while.
Make sure that you get better contraception for the future though, sorry if this is stating the obvious
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