Depressed

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Depressed

Postby splodge » Wed Nov 14, 2007 7:08 pm

So... The thing is I guess is that I don't think I'm ever going to be happy. Even when I'm at my happiest I'd always just rather die because I know that that's going to make me the happiest I possibly can be.

Lately things just seem awful to be honest lol Nothing makes me smile. I don't particularly like uni life. I don't like being at work and my "friends" lately have been really weird/treating me like dirt.

And I know you may say I should try to get help or whatever but that's not an option. I will not go to therapy and the one time I tried getting help from my doctor he basically said "It'll pass. I can't give you any anti-depressants because they will mess with your system when you start going on the pill". Yeah... going on the pill? Not gonna happen given the fact that I'm gay. I didn't however feel the need to tell him this.

These amongst other things are just really bringing me down. I find myself entertaining the thought of suicide on a daily basis but there's no way I'll even be able to kill myself. The only option available to me is taking an overdose which won't fix anything. Given my luck I'd probably just end up in hospital getting my stomach pumped or something and have everything go back to how it is now. So I'm stuck.

There is literally nothing I can do to be happy. I don't think I'm really looking for any advice, I just needed a rant I suppose.
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Re: Depressed

Postby retrochav » Wed Nov 14, 2007 9:20 pm

Hi Splodge,

Can i first point out to anyone who thinks an overdose is a pleasant sleep into the afterlife - ITS NOT! Often nothing happens at first then all manor of dreadful symptoms can occour - convulsions, heart failure, liver failure and commonly amputations - this along with the problems someone so desperatly wants to escape. At very least, its a stomach pump and possibly a spell in pyschiatric care - where decisions about getting out again can be out of your hands.

This aside, in your situation you really need to talk to someone. Your GP was very insensitive, but not all GPs would be. I would strongly suggest you talk with the Sammaritans to fully explore all your feelings. The Lesbian and Gay Switchboard may be able to tell you of local gay groups where you may find out about GPs who understand that not every woman is hetrosexual.

I really hope you will stay in touch with Problem Pages, as i really fear for you. Life is tough enough, but if friends and wider society isnt being as receptive as it should - it can be unbearable. If you need specific contact numbers please PM me and i will respond with local contact numbers for you. Please dont suffer these feelings alone.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Postby Xpose soph 07 » Thu Nov 15, 2007 11:45 am

I am really sorry to hear that you feeling so down.

With regards to Uni, are you away from home I no many people that have become severely depressed becos they have moved away, and if so you could always think about transferring to a closer to home uni.
Uni can be majorly tuff on people, everyone assumes its all drink and fun, but you are also alone alot, and have more time to think.

Do you go out much with friends from uni or have u joint any clubs?

Friends can be weird sometimes, I think its worse when ur still young as well, everyone seems to be fighting to be the better mate, or constantly involved...try talking to them...if there your mates they are going to want to support you when ur feeling this low, dont keep it bottled up, people are insentive sometimes and thoughtless so maybe u shud confide in one of them.

I think as well as seeking pro help which I feel you must do, you shud also speak to your parents, are they aware of how you are feeling?

I no life can be so rubbish sometimes, and throw some awful things ur way but try to remember there are many people in the world that love you an want to be there for you.

I hope this brings a little comfort please let me know what you decide to do.
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Postby splodge » Thu Nov 22, 2007 12:08 am

Thanks for your replies.

With regards to seeking professional help, I really am not going to do that. And yes my parents do know.

A while back I got really upset, was crying lots and basically told my mum everything. This is why I went to the doctor like I mentioned in the first post. But as far as changing GP, even though I'm 18 now I doubt my mum would "let" that happen.

She doesn't even acknowledge that I'm unhappy. She just assumes it's all better now when it really isn't.

And no I'm not living far from home to go to uni. It just isn't what I expected. I don't enjoy it and I don't have any motivation to go there in the morning. I can't tell you how many classes I've missed. I read that a lot of people doing my course (psychology) and others similar to it can't even get a job after their degree as well so that hasn't really helped me get any motivation.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Thanks again for you replies though.
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Postby retrochav » Fri Nov 23, 2007 11:46 pm

Splodge, you are 18, so your mum has no say in your choice of GP, unless you choose to tell her. Ask to see a different GP at the surgery as going through deppression alone is rarely a way to find a cure. Look up the nearest MIND charity to you and speak with them - they can give you support and advice that no one needs know about.

As for your studies, yes it is true that more and more of us have higher education qualifications. That does mean finding jobs that suit the skills is more competitive. That doesnt mean its impossible. Voluntary work in your chosen field can give you the edge, as you have working experiance in field and a reference. Also many charities have a few paid workers and so demonstrating your skills as a volunteer proves your capacity as an employee.

Death can sometimes seem an option when there is so much darkness around us. However, we have no solid proof that it is a final peacefulness, or anything else - we just dont know. What is known is that life has so many turns. Before uni, you wouldnt have met the people you know now, tested your skills in the way you have. Who knows where life could take you next if you will give it that chance.

Do at least investigate what else is out there, and seek help and support. If you were to attempt suicide, it could easily fail and you could find yourself severely disabled and with fewer options to turn things around. It really, really isnt worth going down that road.
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Postby splodge » Sun Nov 25, 2007 8:32 pm

I really would rather just be dead though.

I'm trying to do my uni work now but I can't even manage that!

Thanks for the advice but I've pretty much convinced myself that I'm going to kill myself now so nothings going to change my mind. I wish it could but...

It'll happen sooner or later.
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Postby pink stripes » Sun Nov 25, 2007 11:56 pm

Ok Splogde

Please Just Think About What You Are You Doing Here!

Killing yourself is NOT the right answer

Please please seek professional help from a counseler or your doctor

--x
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Postby snail » Sat Dec 01, 2007 5:20 pm

Hi Splodge

How have things been this week? We're all thinking of you.

Don't forget, many of us on this forum have been where you are now, or even worse, at some time in our lives. (I was, 18 years ago). At the moment your depression stops you from seeing things as they really are - it's like a dark cloud over everything, distorting your vision. But you will pull through it.
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Postby splodge » Sun Jan 06, 2008 11:28 am

Sorry I didn't reply.

But yeah, I haven't killed myself yet.

Right now I seriously cannot handle it. I've got some serious uni deadlines in for next week, exams and I cannot handle it.

I'm crying right now and I just want to give up. I wish I could just drop dead :cry:
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Postby teardrop » Sun Jan 06, 2008 11:46 am

aww bless. i think you may been working too hard at things and are wearing yourself down. go and have a lovely sauna and play some happy music. if your friends are being nasty then they are not friends at all. maybe when the weather gets warmer you will feel a whole lot better.this feeling will pass im sure.i think we all go through it at some time in our life. well i have anyway. chin up hun xx
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Postby snail » Sun Jan 06, 2008 12:08 pm

Hi there Splodge

It's great to hear from you - I was really worried about you. I didn't want to PM you uninvited as that seems like a real invasion of your privacy.

Here's one of these :grouphug: from everyone here. Don't worry too much about uni deadlines etc - in the grand scheme of things they're not that important. You've got loads of time later to sort it out if you want - I finished my degree aged 32. Just keep going as best you can for now.

You said you know that you're the happiest now you're ever going to be - well, actually, you get happier every year as you get older! I'm in my mid-thirties now and about a million times happier about my life than I was at your age. So far, I can confidently say each year was overall better than the one before it. So you've got lots to look forward to, believe it or not!
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Postby splodge » Sun Jan 06, 2008 12:50 pm

Thanks for the replies. By the way I don't mind PMs :)

I know you're trying to make me feel better but it just isn't working.

And with regards to uni, I don't really want to waste my time (or money) while I'm here. Right now, I'm trying to write up a lab report. I only need a pass (which is supposed to be really easy) to get onto the second year but I don't think I'm even going to manage that. This report has to be in tomorrow (which I only found out today) and then I've got the exam on Tuesday.

If I fail I seriously will want to do something.

And on top of that I've got another exam on Thursday and then I have to hand in a workbook on the Friday. I've started revision for both but I'm just rubbish at them. And I've started this lab report and the workbook but it really is too much work. I've asked the "head" of the course for help so many times already and it just makes me feel like even more of an idiot and it makes me feel guilty and embarrassed.

If I'd have known it would be like this I probably wouldn't have applied to uni.
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Postby snail » Sun Jan 06, 2008 1:07 pm

So sorry to hear that I'm not managing to make you feel better. If it helps, every word of my post is 100% true - there's nothing made up just to comfort you.

Just hang on sweetheart - I've been where you are now and it DOES get better eventually.
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Postby splodge » Sun Jan 06, 2008 1:30 pm

Sorry.

I feel like a complete idiot now. I've just asked a friend for help and yeah I don't even know half of the stuff she's talking about.
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