A moment of hopelessness

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A moment of hopelessness

Postby Reniassance » Thu Jun 26, 2008 2:21 pm

*Sigh*

Where do I begin..?

I'm 17. I was abused by my father up until the age of 15. I disclosed, and a year (and a few unfulfilling relationships) later there was a trial and we won and he got 3 years. I moved house and came to a new city and a new school. I then lived with my 2 brothers.

About 5 months ago I moved again, and went to live with my boyfriend's family (for a rent of £80pw) after I decided it wasn't safe to live with my oldest brother. My mum lives away from us and pays for everything.. Including for my brother, who doesn't work and made living at that house a nightmare. She'd rather see her 17 year old daughter move out with another family, than sort out my brother, who's in his 30s. my mother and I have a very love-hate relationship, and I feel abandoned by her.

I can't deal with my boyfriend's mother. She screams about everything, and has threatened to kick me out for a second time for something ridiculously trivial (I left my cereal bowl out, I think). She told my boyfriend 'either she bucks her ideas up, or she's out'.

I ain't waiting to be kicked out by a woman who's little better than a screaming toddler, and the search for a non-hostile living environment goes on.

So I've turned to shared accommodation. I'm going to see a place in a few days time...

I'm not sure how long it'll be before my resilience to whatever life throws at me just breaks. My life lately seems to be like one massive obstacle after another, and I can never find peace. I want peace, and my experience of 'home' has yet to be a good one. I don't want much; just a family/housemate/s who are just NORMAL, not dysfunctional in some paranoid, anger-management-issues way. I'm sick of having an aggressor in my life, and I hate it when people shout for no good reason, just because they can't deal with their own issues.

I'm beginning to think that there will always be an aggressor. I envy my friends who have even slightly functional families - who don't have to worry about rent, and who have a group of people to call family and a place to call home, where they can go and chill. My last two homes have been like a warzone, and in the one before that, I was molested.

On the flipside, I have two people who mean everything to me: my brother (the other one, not the one who I moved out because of), and of course my boyfriend. But I can no longer live with either of them :(

I just want the next few years to fly by so that I can finish my education, find a decent job, buy my own flippin' home and have my own family - and by Goddess, I will make a good job of it..! I won't make any of the mistakes that either of my parents have made. As I'm nearly an adult now, I will never know what it's like to be a daughter with loving, caring parents - but I sure as hell will be a loving, caring parent with a good, tight-knit family. That's my endeavor.

.. But it's so far away... And I worry that all of these things will turn me into a depressed cliche who will in turn carry on the spiral of dysfunction that exists throughout my family.

I know I need to stay positive, but I wish I could just take my brother and my boyfriend, and maybe my few good friends, and fly away to a different country and begin life anew.

... Thanks for reading.
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Postby Jess1234 » Thu Jun 26, 2008 3:06 pm

Hey huni

I'm not sure if I can offer you any good advice but I can really empathise with your situation. I'm also 17 and have been brought up in a dysfunctional family, I was also abused by my brother for 6years, physically and mentally. However my life seems like a nice walk in the park compared to yours.

I'm amazed at how strong you are to handle the situations in your life. As to your current living situation. Is there any chance you could talk to your boyfriends mother or even your boyfriend about how you are feeling and the way you are treated. As you are paying rent she shouldn't be acting that way towards you, especially as you are her sons girlfriend. Are you entitled to any benefits as you are under 18 and living away from your parents? I don't know much about how that works but maybe you could enquire about it if you haven't already.

PM me anytime
Jess x
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Postby Bel Bel » Thu Jun 26, 2008 3:51 pm

I think the best thing you can do is get away into a shared house. Maybe the first one won't be the right one but you will find somewhere.
At least this way you won't be dependent on your b/f either
I too know how you feel having grown up with a violent pervert of a step father for 10 years
We are bought up to believe home is our safe haven but for so many of us it isn't
Have you had an conselling and do you think it would help?
I personally never went down this route but vowed to make my life very different than that of my home environment and my child has always come first no matter what so we don't all end up the abuser becasue we had that inflicted on us
As Jess says you are strong and this woman is just making things feel tense again for you. The quicker you get away from her the better

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