Everything's plateaued

Go here if you need cheering up, or if you feel the urge to cheer someone else up!
Forum rules
NEW USERS HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEIR FIRST POSTS TO BE APPROVED BY AN ADMINISTRATOR. Rules | Essential Information | FAQ | Support | Twitter

Everything's plateaued

Postby LME79 » Mon Mar 23, 2009 8:36 pm

Hi all,

I feel a bit down in the dumps about things at the moment ...

The first one is that I want to marry my boyfriend. We've been together for years, lived together for ages and a lot of my friends my age (I turn 30 next year) are getting engaged or getting married this year. I know it makes me sound pathetic when there are other things going on in the world but it's relative to me. I aired my views about it a few months ago and he said that he knows he wants to be with me, he knows he wants to have children with me but he's just not ready for marriage yet. I'm not sure I understand because if he knows all this stuff and happily admits it, then why does he seem so scared? He said he's not scared as such, but I can't think of another word. A couple of people said maybe issue an ultimatum as in tell him I'm going to leave if nothing happens within the next 12 months but I'm not sure I'm up for that as I do want him to ask because he does feel ready, rather than pressured ... my issue is that I don't understand why he doesn't feel ready.

I got upset at work on Friday because we were talking about someone at work that had just got engaged and when I looked sad about it my colleagues were saying that getting a house is more important and "maybe that's what your fella's saving for". Well, yes, owning a house is important and we're saving for that but we only have £1200 in savings at the moment and will have about £5000 by the end of the year. I do love our place at the moment but it's rented and we want to get on the property ladder but the recession means that I'm not getting a payrise, a new job so I can't put much away in savings at all. I say "the recession" but in reality my company are just looking for an excuse not to pay people more and fire people - the company is cash rich and has no debt, according to the board, so goodness knows what they're playing at. Also, our bonus structure has completely changed from last years and this year's targets are now unreachable so I'm not even going to see extras for all the hard work I put in. So they blame the recession for not giving payrises and redundancies but they still expect me to make more money this year ... it doesn't add up and you can't reason with these people. My boyfriend suggested taking a job cut (i.e. moving from account manager to account exec at a different company) if I wanted to get out that badly ... I'm still being paid an account executive wage doing a manager's job due to my company screwing me over a couple of years ago. I can see where my boyfriend is coming from as I wouldn't have to take a pay cut but it'd feel like all my hard work this past year and a bit would've been for nothing. I apply for jobs but I've been rejected so many times, even though I know I'm good - it just so happens the area I work in is fairly niché and I can't make a 'clean' switch as I have to rely on the old transferable skills game.

My relationship is the only thing that is slightly different in the sense that we now have a house instead of a poky flat but the relationship itself is the same level - we're still doing exactly the same things and are no further to getting engaged. I'm on exactly the same pay as last year even though I'm managing my own department and I can't see us getting on the property ladder until something like 2015, when house prices will shoot up. I'll be 35/36 by then and I want to be trying for children by then so I just feel pretty rubbish about stuff. I know that I could be in a far worse situation but, like I said earlier, it is relative to me.

So yeah, it's not just marriage thing, it's pretty much everything ... I feel like everything at my life is at a complete and utter standstill - it's ok, but it's not going anywhere, it's just staying exactly the same and not progressing.

Work = exactly the same as last year with nothing to show
Money = due to work, I am getting paid exactly the same and because of the new bonus structure at work, that means I can't put as much money as I would like into savings
Relationship = exactly the same as last year only with a better living place but boyfriend still "not ready" for marriage despite our history

Hope you can offer words of advice!

:cry:
I want to be..a tree..
User avatar
LME79
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 1926
Joined: Sat Dec 18, 2004 9:44 pm
Location: The edge of reason
Gender: Female

Re: Everything's plateaued

Postby Weasley » Tue Mar 24, 2009 10:12 am

Hi!

I know exactly how you feel!
My love life is non existant! I had a kind of love life until December last year when I left my then fiancee and house (mortgaged). Now I'm stuck with sofa finance in my name, golf club finance in my name and paying half a mortgage for a house I'm not living in! We did have a tenant lined up but they dropped out at the last minute. We were due to get married in September this year but I had the embarrassment of cancelling everything - not to mention a wedding dress which I still owe £200 on and will never get to wear...
My work life is bad too. I finance cars but with the recession no body is wanting cars. While the garage side of the business is doing well and keeping us a float, we are constantly been pressured in to hitting targets. Another thing that winds me up is that the other girl that works here has a higher basic wage than me - £3K higher! How unfair is that? I'm at that point know where's I'm just about ready to give in, my wage is pittance!
Thing is, thing's happen for people at different times. I had the house, the financee and the wedding, but they didn't make me happy. I am honestly more happy living back with my parents been respected and loved than I have been for a long time. And so what? I've taken a step back (well, a LEAP back!) but I'm happy and I can move on again. I'm looking at new jobs now and there's nothing to stop me jacking in work altogether and going abroad.
People do things at different times in their life...there is no one there saying "right, 24 time to buy a house. 25, time to set wedding date. 26, get married..." You do it in your own time when you are ready and comfortable. So what other people your age are getting engaged, married and house's etc...your time will come. There are people my age (I'm nearly 25) who are married, have the house AND a couple of kids to boot. That's not for me. On the other hand my auntie and uncle were together for 27 years before they finally tied the knot in February! There's no right or wrong way to go about things and although your frustrated your boyfriend isn't ready to get engaged etc, he will. Isn't it better to do these things when your both ready rather than one of the relationship feeling pressurized? That's how I felt. I'm now one of the only single people in my group of friends who still live with mommy and daddy. All my other friends live together (rented or not) and have super boyfriends and wedding plans but I'm happy as I am. If I'm not married until I'm 40, I'm okay with that. I'm a true believer you can't plan your life - I had planned to be married this year, a kid or two by the time I'm 28...
As for the house - when I bought mine I got a special deal with Barratts where there was no deposit and they gave us all of our carpets and electrical appliances free. It was a new build and I know for a fact because house's aren't selling, all the developers are giving away stuff. For example, some apartment by my parents - FREE gas, electric, water and council tax until 2010 plus no deposit! Have a look at the new builds.
I hope some of what I've written has made you feel better. My life could make ANYONE feel better about theirs!!!!
xxx :)
User avatar
Weasley
Part of the Furniture
Part of the Furniture
 
Posts: 538
Joined: Tue Jun 05, 2007 5:53 pm
Location: UK/USA
Gender: Female

Re: Everything's plateaued

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Mar 24, 2009 1:01 pm

I can only suggest you turn your thinking around
Instead of everythings the same be grateful you haven't been fired, think of the consequences to your life then
Your boyfriend has made a great suggestion with the job move if your really not happy

I agree that you shouldn't force your boyfriend into marriage as it won't be becasue he wants it but if you really don't understand why he won't do it you need to sit down with him and ask him, he may well have very valid reasons you haven't thought of or it could purely be the money and getting a house
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

Cheap Pandora Charms UK

User avatar
Bel Bel
Fully Fledged Flatmate
Fully Fledged Flatmate
 
Posts: 6758
Joined: Thu May 10, 2007 1:58 pm
Location: Hertfordshire
Gender: Female

Re: Everything's plateaued

Postby LME79 » Wed Mar 25, 2009 7:53 pm

Hey,

Thanks for your advice.

BelBel - we've had The Chat about it and he said he can't explain why he's not ready yet, but he said that marriage isn't as important to him as it is to me, though he does want to marry me someday. Very vague answer but unfortunately it's the best I'm going to get. We talked about whether it was house or wedding first and his answer was "whatever comes along first". I know you're right about the job situation where I need to be grateful that I have a job, but it really is making me unhappy - a job cut would just be a move for the sake of it and, although I'm unhappy, I need to do what's best for my career. So I guess I just need to learn to live with it and keep plugging away.

Weasley - I wouldn't ever pressure him into it, that's not something I would do as, like you say, it has to be right for both people and I really don't understand why he's not asked me. It doesn't cost much (I'm not one of those girls that need a massively expensive ring or a proposal with my name in fireworks) - all I want is to be with him for the rest of my life and I want to celebrate that with people close to us.

I wish I didn't care or that he was in the same place I am now but then life like's to lay these little tests!

I don't know, I'm not sure I'll be happy until at least one of the things above changes for the better. The engagement thing gets to me a lot more for some reason, but again, I'll just have to live with it. I'm starting to learn how to push it to the back of my mind but, if I'm honest, if I'm not engaged by the end of the year I know I'll be very disappointed. I know there are couples who live together for 20 years and are fine like that, but that's not me. Marriage is important to me and my boyfriend knows this. I just feel like I'm doing this --> ](*,)
I want to be..a tree..
User avatar
LME79
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 1926
Joined: Sat Dec 18, 2004 9:44 pm
Location: The edge of reason
Gender: Female

Re: Everything's plateaued

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Mar 26, 2009 11:48 am

have you suggested he show his commitment to you with the engagement so you know that marriage will come one day
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

Cheap Pandora Charms UK

User avatar
Bel Bel
Fully Fledged Flatmate
Fully Fledged Flatmate
 
Posts: 6758
Joined: Thu May 10, 2007 1:58 pm
Location: Hertfordshire
Gender: Female

Re: Everything's plateaued

Postby LME79 » Tue Apr 07, 2009 10:07 pm

Hey Bel Bel, sorry, didn't see your reply until just now for some reason.

I haven't suggested that because I don't want to pressure him at all. Besides, it's everything ... it's now April and I realised tonight that I have achieved precisely nothing this year.

1. Can't get a new job for love nor money
2. Current place won't raise my pay
3. Failed driving test
4. Relationship the same
5. Am putting weight on and am getting past caring about it - my mindset is a bit "what's the point"?
6. Am trying to save but it just doesn't seem to be getting to a decent amount

Yesterday I felt absolutely fine but for some reason things just hit me tonight and now I just feel so upset and I just want to cry.
I want to be..a tree..
User avatar
LME79
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 1926
Joined: Sat Dec 18, 2004 9:44 pm
Location: The edge of reason
Gender: Female

Re: Everything's plateaued

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Apr 08, 2009 9:11 am

lilmissespana wrote:1. Can't get a new job for love nor money


But that isn't you it's the whole job market

lilmissespana wrote:2. Current place won't raise my pay


Again for the same reasons as before

lilmissespana wrote:3. Failed driving test


You failed one test that millions of people fail; it's nothing to be so upset about. I have two friends who eventually passed on their 8th or 9th time.

lilmissespana wrote:4. Relationship the same


You need to talk to your boyfriend about it - maybe suggest what Bel Bel said; also if I was a guy and I wanted to propose if my gf kept bringing it up I think I'd wait until she stops bringing it up for it to be a suprise.

lilmissespana wrote:5. Am putting weight on and am getting past caring about it - my mindset is a bit "what's the point"?


Why don't you try a nice walk once or twice a week or try and cut out some unhealthy foods and still have them at a weekend as a treat? It's a step whilst not doing much about it if you aren't feeling so good within yourself. I also think if you do attempt to loose weight (if you want to) you'll feel happier within yourself.

lilmissespana wrote:6. Am trying to save but it just doesn't seem to be getting to a decent amount


It's hard with rising prices of EVERYTHING; no wage increase and rubbish interest at the bank. I have an ISA where I was getting over 5% on it; I'm now getting around 1% - so it's not like you get much from actually having money in the bank. I have the deposit for a house in the bank and I got hardly any interest on it - it's in one of the higher interest accounts.
A hug is a great gift, one size fits all.
User avatar
dipsydoodlenoodle
Long Term Lodger
Long Term Lodger
 
Posts: 3928
Joined: Fri Feb 08, 2008 4:24 pm
Location: England
Gender: Female


Return to Cheer me up!

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron