Stupid Family!

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Stupid Family!

Postby RagDoll » Thu Sep 17, 2009 9:54 am

Hi all,

I am going down to Wales to see my Grandma tomorrow and I am NOT looking forward to it. As some of you will be aware, she's having an operation on her tumour today and she was visiting my Aunt when she became ill, so she's stuck down in Wales at the moment (which is a 4-5 hours drive from where we live).

I'm not looking forward to it because on top of my Grandma being ill, there are a load of family issues going on (which have been brought to a head because of my Grandma getting cancer and being unwell). My Mum has tried to put me off going, saying my Grandma won't really appreciate me visiting her etc. but it's just something I feed I need to do. If I don't, I might not see her again. I can't see her coming back up here even if the operation goes ok - she's 84 and she basically needs care.

I won't go into all the family issues, as it would take sooo long to explain it all properly, but in a nutshell, my Dad and his sister (the Aunt I refer to above) don't get on (that's putting it lightly). They basically haven't spoken for the last 40 years. I don't blame my Dad at all for that, as my Aunt is a horrible, evil woman. My parents reckon that she's only looking after my Grandma at the moment as she's after her money (she's not bothered with her much since she moved to Wales, but now she's looking after her). It's so bad that we're not even staying with my Aunt tomorrow - we're staying in a hotel and my Dad refuses to visit my Grandma in my Aunt's home. I know all of this probably sounds childish and petty, but that's because you can't appreciate what's gone on in the past. My Dad doesn't want to get involved as my Aunt is very manipulative and liar - he's perfectly civil with her when he sees her, he just doesn't want to be dragged into anything.

Anyway, all of this has been weighing heavily on my mind since my Grandma got ill and I just know tomorrow and Saturday are going to be tough :( The conversation with my Grandma (and Aunt etc.) will be strained to say the least. Part of me doesn't know why I am going to Wales, but there's a part of me that's worried that I will feel guilty if I don't go and something happens to her.

I am also going to miss my boyfriend loads. I'm only away for one night, but I'm not looking forward to being apart from him, especially when all of this is going on - he's just about the only thing that's keeping me sane at the moment. I haven't asked him to come along as I don't think my parents would have appreciated it (I suppose they don't want to drag him into the whole mess anymore than he already is) and it wouldn't exactly be a fun trip for him. It's just going to be hard not having someone there to talk to besides my parents, who will probably be driving me mental (well my Mum will anyhow!).

Ahhh! Someone please cheer me up lol.
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Re: Stupid Family!

Postby kerrie24 » Thu Sep 17, 2009 10:15 am

I dont really have any advice for you I just wanted to say I think you are right when you say you will regret not going.You are making the right decision to grit your teeth, go for your grandmas sake and put your family argument to one side,its only for 1 night,you might be surprised how quickly it passes.
Maybe organise something with your boyfriend for when you get back (meal,cinema etc) so you have something to look forward to while your away.
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Re: Stupid Family!

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Thu Sep 17, 2009 11:00 am

I agree with kerrie re: orgnising something with your bf when you get back.

As for visiting your gran, I think you are doing the right thing.
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Re: Stupid Family!

Postby ennis81 » Thu Sep 17, 2009 1:08 pm

You've gotta go Ragdoll, cause you would feel awful if something happened and you didn't. I've gotta a big family and there is always plenty of issues going on because we're all so close, just do what I do and let it all go over your head. Your just going to see your grandmother and thats it, don't let any other peoples issues bother you too much. and yeah it would be a good idea to have something nice planned with your fella when you come back so you have something nice to look forward to. Its just one of those things that you have to do :wink:
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Re: Stupid Family!

Postby RagDoll » Mon Sep 21, 2009 9:19 am

Well, I went down to Wales over the weekend and I'm glad I did now. It wasn't easy, not only because my Grandma looked for frail and seemed really down, but also because of family issues, but overall I am still pleased I went (and relieved it is over - don't know if that's a bit mean of me?!).

God only know what will happen next though - the nurse said my Grandma might need some radiography, which has never been mentioned before. We were told operating on bladder cancer was relatively straight forward - remove the tumour, give the patient a chemo drug the next day, then that's that. Part of me wonders if my Grandma would have gone ahead with the operation had she known she'd have to go through radiography afterwards (a nasty treatment) considering she's 84. Hmmm.
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Re: Stupid Family!

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Sep 21, 2009 10:38 am

RagDoll wrote:Part of me wonders if my Grandma would have gone ahead with the operation had she known she'd have to go through radiography afterwards (a nasty treatment) considering she's 84. Hmmm.


The hospital obvioulsy think she is well enough to recieve the treatment.

Are you sure radiography has never been mentioned before; maybe they mentioned it to your gran and she forgot with all the other stuff going on? Maybe they did the operation and realised that they needed to do a bit more and radiography was only thought about then? I don't know; I know you won't know; I'm just randomly grasping in the dark I suppose.

I'm glad you are happy you went, you have to do what you feel is right and I'm pleased you did just that.
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Re: Stupid Family!

Postby RagDoll » Mon Sep 21, 2009 10:52 am

It definitely wasn't mentioned before - we even had a leaflet from the hospital explaining the operation and its implications and it doesn't say anything about follow up treatment, such as radiography, just the chemo drug she'd be given as a one-off. Also, the specialist and nurses have been reiterating everything they've said to my Grandma to someone else (e.g. my Aunt/Dad) because it's not always sinking in with my Grandma (she's starting to lose her marbles a bit!).

Obviously the cancer must have been worse than they were expecting when they actually did the operation, hence why radiography has only been mentioned now. I just don't know if my Grandma would have agreed to have gone through all of this if she'd have known beforehand that she might have to have radiography afterwards, considering her old age.

They didn't say she'd definitely need radiography anyway, I think it depends on her biopsy results, so we shall see. Fingers crossed, she won't need it as I think it'll only make her go further and further downhill. She was already in a bit of a state when we saw her (mentally I mean).
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Re: Stupid Family!

Postby Skarlet » Mon Sep 21, 2009 10:55 am

My Aunt went through a similar thing. she can still turn the radiography down. My aunt had cancer of the uterus, if it had gone through 50% of the uterus wall she was told she would need radiograpy, it had, but she didn't have it, because of concerns of family history. My uncle had it as a young man, and it caused more damage then the actual cancer.
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Re: Stupid Family!

Postby RagDoll » Mon Sep 21, 2009 11:01 am

That's interesting to know Skarlet. What they originally said re: my Grandma is that the cancer had not perforated the bladder walls (they'd looked with a camera prior to the op), hence why the operation would be relatively straight forward. That's why this radiography talk has thrown us a bit. Perhaps in the fullness of time she won't go through the radiography (if she needs it), we'll see. I guess it's almost a shame not to give it a shot now she's already put herself through the operation though. I'm not sure.
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Re: Stupid Family!

Postby Skarlet » Mon Sep 21, 2009 11:04 am

I think it comes down to quality of life, over quantity. If it is going to prolong life, but make them miserable, I am not always sure it is worth it. Has to be the right decision for your Gran and your family.
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Re: Stupid Family!

Postby RagDoll » Mon Sep 21, 2009 11:12 am

Yeh, I'm not sure it'll be worth it really. What I am most aggrieved about is had we all known that (about the possibility of radiography), she probably wouldn't have put herself through the stress of the operation in the first place. She only did that because we thought she'd have the op and that would be that. If radiography had been on the cards I'm not sure she'd have bothered.
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Re: Stupid Family!

Postby Skarlet » Mon Sep 21, 2009 11:19 am

I think maybe that they couldn't be sure that all cancerous cells were removed, (that was the condition that my aunt would need radiography) and where they thought it would be a clean removal that obviously didn't happen. Can completely understand why you feel aggrieved. The full implications, wiht all outcomes should have been discussed with your family.
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Re: Stupid Family!

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Sep 21, 2009 1:01 pm

Well whatever happens I hope that your gran has the best quality of life she can.
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Re: Stupid Family!

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Sep 21, 2009 1:06 pm

Some radiotherapy is just a precaution in case the cancer has spread and isn't visible. My assitant at work recently had it for this reason.
Yes your gran can refuse any treamtent she doen't want but radiotherapy is nowhere near as bad as chemo. My step mum is having that so I know.
My assistant was coming into work everyday for half day and then going for radiotherapy in the afternnon. He had a sunburn type feeling where they did it and felt a bit tired but no other side effects.
They obviouly think she is strong or they wouldn't give it to her either.
Anyway it's ultimately your grndmas decision so try not to worry about it too much
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Re: Stupid Family!

Postby RagDoll » Mon Sep 21, 2009 1:37 pm

My Grandad had radiography and it affected him really badly, so even if it's not as bad as chemo, I still think it's pretty awful (for some anyway - probably depends on your age etc.).

We will see what happens anyway. Thanks for your posts.
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