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Big grey clouds :/

PostPosted: Tue May 18, 2010 1:24 pm
by Ithfifi
I don't know how many people read my previous posts that was under the name Ignacia.. but I suffer from depression, and have done for years. Sometimes I am able to sort of 'pick myself up' and other times, nothing gets through to me, nothing seems worth it at all. Although I have to say this week so far, I've been 'ok', or what I consider to be at my best.

I don't want to sound like a whiney brat but lately I've just been feeling more lonely. I know I have a really great family, but I miss being in a relationship (not that I would be in one just for the sake of it) its been over a year now, and sometimes I really wonder with all my hang ups if anyone could ever love me. There alot of things that someone would have to take on, I'm sure appearence of scars could be a pretty big put off, and if the scars are not off putting, then probably the thought of me doing it ever again could be offputting. I look at my sister (Not with envy, but awe) who is now pregnant, married, has a house, a great job and just had a promotion and I wonder if I would be ever to have all those things. I think she was engaged at 21 (she's 7 yrs older), which I am now.. so I wonder if I have any hope. I also wonder if my parents think of that when they consider the difference between us.

Today I just feel like theres little chance in my ever really exceeding. I'm jobless, living at home, single, I don't have many qualifications, All I really want to do is art but I don't think theres any way I could get a career doing it; I have no qualifications in it other then a GCSE A, I see wonderful artists who work freelance online,but I just don't think my art would be good enough.

This probably sounds really pathetic and moany..
I'll probably feel more optimistic tomorrow... I'm so erratic sometimes :/

Re: Big grey clouds :/

PostPosted: Tue May 18, 2010 3:32 pm
by captainf
Sorry to hear you're feeling lonely. Do you have any friends nearby who visit you and vice versa?
A relationship will form with someone at the right time. Dont worry about being single for 1yr, you will develop feelings for someone one day. Afterall you want it to be with someone who you're compatible with and also someone who sticks by you. I dont think they'd judge you for your scars - afterall, scars fade and sometimes you cant see them anymore, while others only show a little. The important thing is to treat them as best you can. However, it doesnt go without saying that no one should judge you for your scars nor make you feel bad about them.
Also regarding to self harm - okay, theres the possibility you could go back to it but the important thing is to work towards making your life as happy and as comfortable as possible as that will reduce your chances of self harm.

There are many jobs that require an artistic nature, you just need to find the right one for you. I think that your art is good. Your water colours are excellent and I think thats evident in your display pic of the fox. Im sure there is a company that will appreciate your talents.

As for your sister and you - I dont think you should compare yourself to her. Your life is a little different and you're contending with depression. I dont think your parents compare you guys so dont worry about it. Things will fall into place for you but focus on making your life happy - do the things you like, try to find a job you enjoy and make positive moves to having a happier life :)

Re: Big grey clouds :/

PostPosted: Tue May 18, 2010 3:55 pm
by Bel Bel
As a parent I know that all parents want the most is for their kids to be happy. I doubt they compare you to your sister either and I am sure you both have different parts of your personalities that they both love and dislike. Nobody is perfect.

Are you getting ongoing treatment?, be it medication or conselling or both, and if not perhaps that's something you need to consider

We all have scars, some are scars like yours others are stretchmarks, birthmarks, hair in the wrong place. Believe me when someone really loves you they see past all that. It's usually a connection that you get and things grow from there.

You can help increase your chances of meeting people by getting out there, joining classes, taking up hobbies etc

Also 21 is still sooo young, trust me being tied down isn't always as good as it appears from the outside. It brings it's own problems just as being single does

I agree with captain there are opportunities to do artistic jobs just not necessarily painting and drawing. Also most people don't do a job they would choose, it's a case of necessity and what you can turn your best skills to.

Meantime perhaps you could try volunteering or part time work if you can't get full time work. I think having a purpose to get up each morning will certainly help


Re: Big grey clouds :/

PostPosted: Tue May 18, 2010 5:20 pm
by Ithfifi
Thankyou both for replying.

I agree with you both, its just hard to put those things into practice.

Captain, I don't actually have any friends, and thats not being over dramatic. Since I barely go out, I don't meet people. And its not as easy to just 'go out' for reasons I explained on DA. The people I knew from school all live away because of uni, but these are people I've not seen since I was about 14..16, I don't think we'd even have anything in common.

Bel bel, I am having CBT treatment at the moment, I've been on and off antidepressents for years; me and my therapist both agreed I would stop taking them as I really didn't get on too well with them. As for going out, I am a very anxious person and I never go out alone, if I do it needs to be with someone close to me. Its been brought up in CBT and something I will be working on. Which leads me to work. I am currently signed off for depression, me and my therapist did discuss volenteer work which I thought would be a great idea, i did how ever break down and cry at the idea of being pushed too fast/being out on my own ~ I think more then anything, its the travelling alone which freaks me out, once upon a time i'd be travelling loads on trains and tubes (when I was in london, academy) to photoshoots and what not :(.

I am pretty much a hermit :s

Re: Big grey clouds :/

PostPosted: Tue May 18, 2010 7:48 pm
by captainf
Aww im sorry you dont have any friends. I can understand why though. You're in a difficult position right now and dont really have the chance to meet new people. I think that what you've got to do is prioritise your problems and tackle them - for example, slowly get used to going outside alone - this will take a while but the incentive is that once you can do it you can get a job, make friends and go out with them.. and even meet Mr Right ;)
You'll probably find that by prioritising things you start to achieve your goals and this will give you a great feel good factor. :) You may start to feel happier and life will improve in general too.

Re: Big grey clouds :/

PostPosted: Wed May 19, 2010 2:43 pm
by Bel Bel
I'm really sorry Ithfifi you really are battling alot right now.
I agree with captains advice but would alos add you could get penpals. At least that way it might help build your confidence and you may even get some friends who can help you when you start to go out
You are getting CBT so you are making the right steps to get better
As captain says take it slowly, you have the rest of your life and I am sure in a couple of years you will look back and see this all as a hazy dream

Re: Big grey clouds :/

PostPosted: Thu May 20, 2010 10:36 pm
by Ithfifi
Thankyou both; I know your right. I suffered from serious depression before, and life improved so I know I can do it again, its just sometimes really hard to remember that. thankyou for your replies <3

Re: Big grey clouds :/

PostPosted: Fri May 21, 2010 3:55 pm
by captainf
Just take baby steps and you will be fine :) You have a good support network too so you'll get through it :)

Re: Big grey clouds :/

PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2010 8:03 am
by kelcy
all people has their ups and downs and i mean everyone. and they have different ways of dealing with their problems. i feel what you feel because i've been there, there are several times that i really felt like giving up but i just gathered all my strength and lived everyday and do the things i need to do. sometimes to be happy you have to also help yourself and not depend on others. people who care about you will tell you things you should do to be happy and it is up to you to do it. i know you can do it, just find the strength inside of you to do it :)