A long rant...read if you can

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A long rant...read if you can

Postby gatekeeper » Thu Jun 15, 2006 5:31 pm

Hi all, I need an outlet. Basically, my parents are having problems for the past 10 years and we don't really know the full story. (me, my mum and sis.)

It's a really complicated problem with so many details and my dad's obviously not being honest with us. But he's a good father and I love him a lot, a bit of a daddy's girl. Anyway, when they quarrel, they usually do not speak to one another for months. My sister and me become messengers and it's been like that since I was 8 and she 5. We're 18 and 15 now.

None of my friends, not even my best friends know. When I was younger, I used to pretend I had a happy family with parents who're happy together, pretend I don't know what it's like to live with parents who don't get along. Basically lived on memories because there were times we were happy and then they would quarrel and we'd be unhappy again.

Anyway, I'm feeling so down now because they fought on Sunday and are not speaking to one another. To me, the full story doesn't matter anymore. I mean it's like even if we know the truth, we'd have to get on with our lives and if we don't we still have to get on with it. Why waste time digging up stuff?

I want to call someone to talk but can't because none of them knows my family's like that. Besides, I'd probably sound suicidal/depressed and don't want to make anyone worried. There is this good guy friend of mine, we talk almost every night about everything, I like him. I want to call him to let him know but 1. his phone's spoilt and keeps switching itself off, I called him he hasnt returned the call yet, so maybe he didn't see my text or something. 2. He doesn't know, I don't want to make him worried, I don't want to drag him in this messy family thing. 3. I don't know how and where to start.

I suddenly feel alone, I just wish I can walk out of it all, disappear or whatever. I don't want to die but yet keep getting morbid ideas like the most painless way to die, how I want my funeral to be like, who's to give my items to and so on. It's like, my brain's telling me not to leave my loved ones, I have responsibilities and so on but my heart's going "we won't make it, run or perish and let it pull you down. " There is no option of trying to cope and making the best of my life. Then when I'm feeling too down and someone would do something sweet or send me a nice text even though they don't know I'm down and I would just cry and go "I don't want to leave these people behind, I want to stay but I can't cope. So yea, the people around me would just freak out if they read this.

So I decided to type it all out here. I just want to feel better, let it all out and maybe see if anyone could say something that'll make me feel a little better, maybe give me the will to hold on.

It doesn't matter if no one reads it or replies since I only wanted to let it all out and can't type all these in my blog for obvious reasons.

Thank you all for your time, I already feel slightly better typing it out.

PS: This has got to win the longest post award! :P
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Postby Liquidius » Thu Jun 15, 2006 7:29 pm

Well, I did read it, all of it :) *gives award for very long post*

The thing with parents is you have to remember that their relationships are as fragile as yours or mine. Just because they're married, it doesn't make it any easier. I don't think I know any parents that are happily married, especially after a long period of time together.

I hate it when my parents fight, and refuse to talk to eachother, especially when I'm visiting them at home. You're right, you don't know the truth, but maybe in some ways it'd be better if you didnt. At the end of the day, it's up to them to sort out their differences, not you. It's not you relationship, as much as you'll want to help.

Just remember, whatever happens, they both still love you. Just because they argue, it doesn't make either of them bad people.

I can't say I understand, because when my parents argue, it just annoys here, but everyone on PP is here for you! :)
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Postby gatekeeper » Fri Jun 16, 2006 3:26 am

Thanks for reading it all. You're right, they have to sort their problems out. But my mom gets a bit emotional and she depends on me for support. My sister tries not to add on but she's quite badly affected. She looks up to me.

I just feel that I can't break down in front of everyone and surrender. I feel the need to hold on for as long as possible. Life will return to normal soon and until then, I'd speak up for my dad in front of mom and tell dad what she's feeling.

I want to talk to someone, the people on my msn now are either busy or acquaintances. I called my friend twice but it's switched off. Anyway, I don't want to make him too worried, he has a psychiatric condition, I don't want him to go into depression again.

And thank you for whoever's reading this, I really need to get it all out of my system, that's all.
gatekeeper
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