The worst jokes on the planet

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Postby HappyGoLucky » Mon May 26, 2008 5:24 pm

:lol: Thanks for sharing Steve!
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Postby Steve1213284 » Tue May 27, 2008 8:43 am

Thanks for moving them to the right thread. Maybe I can think of some more. :)
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Postby m_m » Tue Jun 24, 2008 12:28 pm

I really liked this one:

President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. He begins his remarks with "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"
Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the President's ear: "Mr President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."

:lol:

This one was apparently voted America's favourite joke:

Two friends are playing golf at their local course. One is about to chip on to the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "That is the most touching thing I have ever seen. I never knew you were such a sensitive man."
The man replies: "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

After many years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform his duties as a husband between the sheets. He goes to his doctor, tries a few things, but nothing works.
"It's all in your mind," says the doctor, and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." The psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says: "I can cure this."
He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. "This is powerful healing, but you can use it once a year," says the witch doctor.
"All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; after that it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home, and that night he is so excited and anxious to surprise his wife. They get into bed and he says: "123," and just like magic he gets an erection.
His wife rolls over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"

This one made me laugh:

A drunk is staggering down the street with one foot on the kerb and the other in the gutter.

A policeman stops him and says, “You’re drunk.”

To which the drunk replies, “Thank God! I thought I was crippled.”
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Postby m_m » Tue Jun 24, 2008 12:42 pm

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

This one was apparently voted the UK's favourite joke:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."
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Postby brfc » Tue Jul 29, 2008 10:22 pm

just come home from work and the g/f said did you eat you pear earlier.

i said yes but i could only find 1!


she said i only gave you 1.


well i said how can that be a pear?

((pair)) :D
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Postby peecee » Tue Jul 29, 2008 10:25 pm

brfc, hun, I think I'm going to have to ban you... :wink: :P
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Postby brfc » Tue Jul 29, 2008 10:32 pm

peecee wrote:brfc, hun, I think I'm going to have to ban you... :wink: :P



hehe :D
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Postby fairy of darkness » Wed Jul 30, 2008 12:02 pm

lmo that camel joke had me laughing on the floooooor
my brother didnt find it funny at all but i couldnt even breathe haha
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Postby snail » Fri Aug 08, 2008 7:46 pm

Two female friends had gone out for a girls' night out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic with the cocktails. Walking home incredibly drunk they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties!"

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between her legs that said, 'From everyone at the fire station, we'll never forget you!'"
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Postby Lust » Fri Aug 08, 2008 8:31 pm

My friend taught me this one...

How do you catch a rabbit ?

...


Hide in a bush and act like a cabbage

](*,)
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Postby HappyGoLucky » Mon Aug 18, 2008 4:19 am

Lust wrote:My friend taught me this one...

How do you catch a rabbit ?

...


Hide in a bush and act like a cabbage

](*,)



OMG


:rofl:
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Postby allyp » Tue Sep 09, 2008 11:25 am

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and shouts "you've all got 30 seconds to get out or you will all die." From the back, a tortoise shouts "you swine"!!!"
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Postby Jess1234 » Tue Sep 09, 2008 12:53 pm

allyp wrote:A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and shouts "you've all got 30 seconds to get out or you will all die." From the back, a tortoise shouts "you swine"!!!"


haha!! That made me laugh!! I had to read it twice though! :oops:
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Postby pink stripes » Wed Sep 10, 2008 10:11 pm

snail wrote:Two female friends had gone out for a girls' night out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic with the cocktails. Walking home incredibly drunk they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties!"

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between her legs that said, 'From everyone at the fire station, we'll never forget you!'"

ahahaha :lol:
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Postby pink stripes » Wed Sep 10, 2008 10:38 pm

ok well after reading paof jokes i thought i would join in the fun #-o

There are three men, an irish man, a scottish man and an english man. They are camping out for the night in a field. They all set up their tents and un-load their bags. The irish man unpacks a sandwich and says to the other two ''it's incase i get hungry'' so the other two continue to un-pack their bags. The scottish man then gets out a beer and says ''it's incase i get thirsy'' so finally the english man un-packs his, he pulls out a window.. the irish man and the scottish men look totally puzzled.. so the english man says ''it's incase i get to hot in the night then i can wind the window down''

#-o
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