I just want

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I just want

Postby Daisy_Chain_Saw » Sun Sep 28, 2003 1:32 am

This sounds pathetic, but lately ive been finding it hard to work up the will to face my friends and family, do my homework and even get up in the mornings. If I had my way I think id spend most of my time by myself. I’ve started to snap out easily at my family and friends as well, usually over little things that shouldn’t bother me. I find it hard to accept people in my life. People have also said that I’m changing, I always seem pre-occupied and get annoyed easily, :evil: I know its true and I want to go back to being the old me, except I don’t know how, and I don’t want to fake it.
My mum died 3 years ago when I was 12, people said I was coping with it really well but the truth is I haven’t even began to cope with it, I’ve just buried it in my mind. I never really talked about it, I just pretended that it hadn’t happened for about 6 months, and refused to talk about it, even though my school wanted me to see a counsellor, I just refused to believe it, except now its suddenly hit me, like wham! :o And I’ve realised that I don’t have a real understanding of myself, and if I don’t have that, how am I supposed to understand other people and have proper relationships again?

I dont mind if no one writes back, i just neede to get it off my chest.
Thnx 4 reading it.
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Postby woopdecker » Sun Sep 28, 2003 1:54 pm

You might be trying to shut yourself out form everyone 'cause of what hapend to your mum, as you said it's only just hit you, but it might have hit you before without you realising it. If you bury things like that than no doubt it will come back and bite you in the bum, so to speak :wink:
I feel like shutting myself out all the time, and i can get snappy at times, it's just because of what i'm going through, i just dont want the fuss, but sometimes i do break down in front of people, so YOU need to talk to your friends and tell them what you've put on here.

Hope this has made sense, and i've hoped i help.

Luv Maz
some people never listen. Others never try, with eyes and ears shut tight.. the world just passes them by.
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Postby Lorelei » Sun Sep 28, 2003 2:08 pm

Hi, Sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum.
I suppose when she died, you tried to be really strong for everybody else and didn't allow yourself to grieve properly.
Maybe you have siblings or a Dad that took the loss very hard at the time and you didn't want to make things worse for them by falling apart too.
Now that everything's gone back to normal, you don't have anything to be strong for and you don't know what your purpose is or who you are.
And you're finally allowing yourself to be depressed.
This is a time in which it is very important to get to know yourself, as you have already pointed out.
Maybe you should go to see a counsellor now as you want to make sense of your depression. Talking to a professional could help you to do that.
You also said it helped to get it out in this forum.
You could try keeping a diary or journal about how you feel about things.
That's really helped me.
When I was younger, my family lost contact with my father. My Mum relied on her parents for support and they looked after us a lot. They both died and My Mum had a breakdown with the grief. But I stayed strong until 3 or 4 years later, when everything was back to normal, then I got very depressed, had eating disorders, didn't get on with people, shunned my friends and fought with my family. I was dealing with grief and missing my Dad, but later than everyone else.
I saw a counsellor and I found that writing really helped.
If you read back over what you've written after even a couple of weeks, it will help you to get to know yourself all over again.
I know you feel lost now, but I'm sure you know that it will pass and you'll be all the stronger for allowing yourself to have a weak moment and grieve. Of course, you don't want to wallow in misery but you need to let yourself go through it. I really hope you feel better soon, keep us posted on how you're getting on. xxx
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