Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

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Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby captainf » Sat Jun 20, 2009 1:46 am

This discussion came up in a topic where I stated that I thought it was wrong. However it diverted attention from Broken Chords original topic so as the mods suggested i've created a new topic..

So my personal opinion on the matter that its wrong. I think it degrades the meaning of sex and I believe it generally degrades those involved. It has its own implications in that although it may start as fun it can often lead to a complex situation that isnt at all pleasant. In addition making sex a casual thing is one of the reasons why STD's (or STI's - whichever term you prefer) spread more.

In my opinion those involved are often scared of commitment and cant addmit to it or have some sort of confidence issue and the sex makes them feel wanted. Obviously a bad way but I know a few people who seem to live like that.

I have never had a friend with benefits and i'm quite happy about that. I value sex as something that should be shared with a partner when you're in a loving and committed relationship.

Whats everyone elses views?
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby kerrie24 » Sat Jun 20, 2009 9:05 am

I dont think its a good idea either,I wouldnt want to sleep with just anyone and if it was a true friend then I would be scared it would jeapordise the friendship.I think relationships take on a whole new level once you have slept together and it would never be the way it was.Plus I seem to fall for people easily and couldnt do no-strings.
Id be interested to see if it had worked for anyone though.
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby jen » Sat Jun 20, 2009 10:52 am

I think it's a case of "each to their own"

I personally wouldn't do it again because i love the feeling of "making lover" with my partner rather than just "Sex". However when i split with my ex, i felt i needed to be close with someone and have the intimacy but without the pressure of a full blown relationship that early on. I met a guy who i became friendly with and he sort of became my "friend with benefits". However after a while, i realised that i needed to be on my own. Admittadly after my relationship with my ex ended (with him cheating on me) i felt really low, my confidence was at rock bottom and i just sort of went off the rails, drinking a lot etc and just needed to have that feeling of being close to someone again. I know that this probably wasn't the right way to go about it but at the time it felt that it was
what i needed. I was on the pill and we always used protection. I had only ever been with my ex and when he (my "friend")and his ex had split they had both been tested and he hadn't been with anyone else so no chance of std's and very very low chance of falling pregnant. The thing is, i ended up liking him a bit too much. Although that's probably because we would see each other for weekends at a time and it wouldn't just be sex. Sometimes we would just chill out or go for long walks or drives.

As i look back on it now, i wouldn't recommend anyone to do the same. I would actually advise them against it, although i don't think that i am any less of a person for my past mistake. When i met my current partner and we had been together for a while, i told him everything about my past (ex, friend with benefits etc). I was quite upset and felt ashamed but he said that he didn't care about anything in the past as the important thing is the here and now. He also said that if i hadn't had that experience then i wouldn't be the person he has fallen in love with. This was really a wake up call for me to stop feeling bad about the friend with benefits thing (which is why i felt so compelled to respond to your original post captain). I think that although i wouldn't recommend it to people, i certainly don't think i'm an indecent person because of it and reall don't think people should be judged by something in their past. After all it's our past that makes us who we are now.

Anyway i know i've gone on a bit but i do think it's up to the people who are in the situation. I don't think it's for me and i wouldn't do it again but i also wouldn't say to someone "don't do it - it's wrong".
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby LME79 » Sat Jun 20, 2009 1:57 pm

I think it's each to their own as well - there's no right or wrong. As long as both people know the score then whatever. I used to have a friend with benefits (now my boyfriend) but, like jen, I don't believe that makes me an indecent person. I know it's not for some and yes, people can get hurt if one is expecting more, but I don't think people should be judged as that's not what defines them as a person.

Regarding the STD part, if you are using condoms (not just the Pill) then the spread of STDs is minimised. If you have four sexual partners and don't use protection you are more at risk of getting and transmitting and an STD than if you have eight sexual partners and ALWAYS use a condom.

I want to reiterate again that if you are having regular sex, whether it's with a long term or short term partner, then ALWAYS use a condom (unless of course you have both been checked and given a clean bill of sexual health). If you suspect you may have caught an STD then please make an appointment with your GP or local GUM clinic.
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby captainf » Sat Jun 20, 2009 4:02 pm

I'd just like more clarification on this..

but I don't think people should be judged as that's not what defines them as a person.


So what must someone be judged on? I mean if you're gonna just sleep with a friend then its quite natural for others to think you have little respect for the true value of sex. Everyone judges, how many people use the term chav or refers to someone as a slut for having slept with alot of people, all judgemental but apparently its wrong for me to say its indecent to sleep with a friend..

Its funny though how alot of it starts out as someone having low confidence. In addition, I stated in my original post that the danger is that you could start to fall for the person.. and the two people who have replied to this topic who have had friends with benefits have done just that.. In which case theres no evidence so far that you can keep it casual without it becoming complex.

Just for clarification though I do understand what contraception is used for but you probably also are aware that its not 100%. Truth is not everyone is careful and in having casual sex whether you believe it or not you are taking a risk in more ways than one. Alot of people often find out that their ex boyfriend/girlfriend was bad in one way or another and therefore what makes you so sure that a friend would be 100% honest? I stand by what I said previously that using sex casually is whats caused STD's to spread significantly.

Jen, I never knew you felt so bad about your past actions. Its pretty sad that you felt that way but I can understand the reason why you felt bad about it. Atleast your partner was understanding. In addition you also learnt a lesson.

I think Kerrie's point sums it up perfectly..

I think relationships take on a whole new level once you have slept together and it would never be the way it was.


This especially rings true if you're going through a crisis of confidence but also applies in general too.

I think what I have trouble understanding is why people do it in the first place? I mean, just like everyone else i've had low points where my confidence is low etc but to be fair I havent for one second ever thought that sleeping with a friend would help. I much prefer to solve my problems at hand rather than introducing more complex situations. Perhaps I just think things through more than most or as I said before maybe this is a question of morals and values.
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby LME79 » Sat Jun 20, 2009 11:49 pm

Not too sure why you took that so personally - I was speaking generally as I know people are judged on it. I mentioned the contraception to reiterate a point to PP members, same as we reiterate to PP members in Physical that doctors are best. I didn't say anywhere that I was sure that a friend would be so careful - all I wanted to reiterate to members was that unless you both go for a test at the start of a physical relationship, you will not 100% know what's what, unless you know all their sexual partners. Even if you've only had two sexual partners and don't sleep around, how are you so sure that your next long term partner has been careful in the past? You don't. You trust. But my point is you have to be careful.

Sex can be just for fun if that's what both parties are after (where people need to be honest from the start which I should have added before) - as I said, friends with benefits isn't for everyone and yes, it's easy for someone to get hurt, but I disagree with getting judged on that. People will get hurt in all sorts of situations, whether it's one night stands or a long term relationship. My point is that you can have no strings sex and not have to feel bad about it. People should be judged on all their actions, not just those in the bedroom. I don't know many people that judge others badly on their view of sex - all of my friends have the same "each to their own" viewpoint. I have personally never slept with a friend to get myself through a crisis of confidence.

I personally believe that as long as people are happy with themselves and can hand on heart can say they're a good person (like I can) then they shouldn't care what others think at all. I was never called names when I had a friend with benefits (I was actually quite open about it) but if I was, there's no way that would have bothered me. My life, my choices. I was careful and I had fun. Nothing wrong with that in my opinion but again, I do believe each to their own.

Regarding relationships not being the same once you've slept together - although that's true in many cases, I think situations are just what you make of them. I had one night with an old friend of mine and we're still great friends - there's no awkwardness or anything, believe it or not. Maybe that's just me, I'm guessing I have quite a different approach to this sort of thing.
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby captainf » Sun Jun 21, 2009 12:46 am

Indeed you do have a different approach the trouble is though is theres no evidence to show you can have meaningless sex without it getting complicated. You ended up with your friend with benefits (so it wasnt so meaningless afterall - it became a relationship, or in other words it got more complex) and Jen also stated that things developed further than just sex.. so at the moment no ones saying it can work apart from from 2 people whos situations became more complicated.

Even if you've only had two sexual partners and don't sleep around, how are you so sure that your next long term partner has been careful in the past? You don't. You trust.


I'd ask them. If I was in a relationship which included sex then I know for sure id be in a relationship that has been sustained for a good amount of time and be in a position where we can tell eachother anything and in addition to that talk about anything. So I would actually ask the question and I would also answer the question too so that it was even.

I personally believe that as long as people are happy with themselves and can hand on heart can say they're a good person (like I can)


I suppose thats more of an opinion than a fact though. I mean we all have opinions of ourselves about whether we are good people or not but others also make their opinions of us too. Its down to the basis of what makes a good person in your own opinion.

People should be judged on all their actions, not just those in the bedroom.


Agreed but even if they are judged on all their actions, the bedroom part still comes in to it. I still think that this shows that someone has a complete disregard towards sex and its true intent.

My personal opinion on this is that sex is becoming way too casual and society has itself to blame. Too many people treat sex like its some kind of toy and have little to no respect for it. Yes there is contraception but this isnt my point. My point is that I dont think sex should be something experienced unless in a committed relationship. Its just dirty to just sleep with a friend and just shows loose morals. I have a friend whos 21, shes religious and she told me I was gonna go to hell because I have had 2 relationships that involved sex (god help some of you here.. haha) Now im not religious in the slightest but I really think that its commendable that shes still a virgin, granted she is because of her religion but I think that it was a very good guide for her and she hasnt gone off the rails and done silly things that are potentially regretable. As I said, I am not religious but I do have a high standard of morals and I much prefer to sit here and say that I have only had 2 relationships that have involved sex rather than saying that i've had X amount of sexual relationships and a friend with benefits inbetween, because if I did I would just feel ashamed of myself for letting my morals slip in such a way. I know for sure that I value sex and I know that the next time I have sex it will be because I love my partner and im committed to her.
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby Skarlet » Sun Jun 21, 2009 9:36 am

I don't think it is either. It is up to the person who is in that position to decide if it is right for them at that time. If they regret it afterwards then they have learnt from bitter experience that the relationship isn't right for them. Everyone has things about them they regret, not just about sex, and this history is what makes someone who they are today. You learn from life, and sex is just another part of that. I don't particulary want to go back to when girls were told it was a sinful dirty thing. where they were s***s if they enjoyed sex. Sex is used too much these days in adverts, in tv shows but at least we can be open about it, and talk about it.

I don't think saying that people who enjoy sex, and have experienced it with a series of partners are loose, or dirty is okay. Your opinion is that it should be kept in relationships is fine for you, but not for everyone.
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby snail » Sun Jun 21, 2009 10:36 am

Yes, I'm glad we're all being honest but I have to say I'm really shocked at what the Captain is saying here, that people who have casual sex are "dirty" and have "loose morals". Captain, what you're effectively saying is that anyone who doesn't agree with you is immoral :o You talk about sex's "true intent" - what is sex's true intent, and why do you think only you know it? Particularly when you are a very young man with little experience. Sex is an activity that two people do - they can attach as much or as little meaning to it as they want. It can be the most intimate thing they ever do, or it can be like playing a game of table tennis - it's up to them. Your 'religious' friend attaches maximum meaning to it, and will only ever do it with one person. That's what's right for her. Other people attach little meaning, and will do it with almost anyone. That's what's right for them. Both points of view are perfectly valid.

You are mixing up two things here - whether casual sex is immoral or whether it is dangerous/difficult. It is not dangerous if people are careful with their own safety (contraception, not getting into strangers' cars, etc). I agree that if they're not, it can easily be dangerous, and often is. And for most people (by no means all) it is difficult to achieve without emotions becoming involved, and if you said you avoided it on those grounds I think that's reasonable.

Oh, and by the way, anyone who tells you you're going to hell ISN'T a friend.
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby Skarlet » Sun Jun 21, 2009 10:41 am

Snail, i was trying to get across the same point, but you said it alot better then I did.
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby LME79 » Sun Jun 21, 2009 11:16 am

lIndeed you do have a different approach the trouble is though is theres no evidence to show you can have meaningless sex without it getting complicated. You ended up with your friend with benefits (so it wasnt so meaningless afterall - it became a relationship, or in other words it got more complex) and Jen also stated that things developed further than just sex.. so at the moment no ones saying it can work apart from from 2 people whos situations became more complicated.


I've had two friends with benefits, one is still a great friend of mine who I regularly see without awkwardness and the other with whom it got "more complex" I now own a beautiful house with and have a great life. So if that's "complex", I'd rather not have simple.

I'd ask them. If I was in a relationship which included sex then I know for sure id be in a relationship that has been sustained for a good amount of time and be in a position where we can tell eachother anything and in addition to that talk about anything. So I would actually ask the question and I would also answer the question too so that it was even.


Yes, you'd ask but whether you believe their answer would be based on trust. I don't know many people that have had a full on conversation with their exes about the number of partners coupled with what contraception, whether a condom split once - like you, it's based on trust. My point was that unless you both get tested at the same time, then you don't know 100%, no matter how much you trust someone. That's not me being cynical, it's fact.


I suppose thats more of an opinion than a fact though. I mean we all have opinions of ourselves about whether we are good people or not but others also make their opinions of us too. Its down to the basis of what makes a good person in your own opinion.


Well, I know I'm a good person and the people that matter in my life know I am. There are about ten people's opinions that I actually care about (all in real life), but the most important opinion is my own opinion of myself, as it should be for everyone. If I had a friend that didn't think I was worth all that, they wouldn't be a friend to me.


My personal opinion on this is that sex is becoming way too casual and society has itself to blame. Too many people treat sex like its some kind of toy and have little to no respect for it. Yes there is contraception but this isnt my point. My point is that I dont think sex should be something experienced unless in a committed relationship. Its just dirty to just sleep with a friend and just shows loose morals. I have a friend whos 21, shes religious and she told me I was gonna go to hell because I have had 2 relationships that involved sex (god help some of you here.. haha) Now im not religious in the slightest but I really think that its commendable that shes still a virgin, granted she is because of her religion but I think that it was a very good guide for her and she hasnt gone off the rails and done silly things that are potentially regretable. As I said, I am not religious but I do have a high standard of morals and I much prefer to sit here and say that I have only had 2 relationships that have involved sex rather than saying that i've had X amount of sexual relationships and a friend with benefits inbetween, because if I did I would just feel ashamed of myself for letting my morals slip in such a way. I know for sure that I value sex and I know that the next time I have sex it will be because I love my partner and im committed to her.


Well done to you, if that's what you believe. I have a different attitude to you about sex, obviously, but I haven't judged your approach - all the way through this thread I've said each to their own. What I don't like is that you're calling me (and others) dirty and immoral. Have a friend with benefits isn't dirty, as long as you take precautions. Casual sex has been in play since the 60s so it's not as if its something that's recent. It's actually a lot better than the 60s as we're more educated now with regards to precautions and consequences. I'm not going to start on religion but if anyone said that to me, they would not be considered a friend as I don't hang out with people that judge so easily.

Thankfully, I don't care what most people think of me as I'm happy with myself and I have my complex life with a loving boyfriend and great friends so you're entitled to think what you want, I've put my point across 8)
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby rufio89 » Sun Jun 21, 2009 11:24 am

I agree with snail. I think sex is between the two people involved , whether they're a married couple or 2 strangers in x club. So long as both parties are willing, on the same page about where they stand, and take the necessary precautions, i don't think it's anyone elses business, and they certainly shouldnt be judged. Not everyone believes sex is a physical expression of love - myself included. Also I think captain Flynn is being incredibly closed minded, and my in my opinion staying a virgin until you're married is a bad idea, sex is an important part of a relationship, and it's important to have sexual chemistry. I hate to think what your friend would think of me, yet I don't feel like I've done ANYTHING wrong
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby captainf » Sun Jun 21, 2009 3:40 pm

Well I must thank LME for giving an example of where it didnt get complex.

As for discussing previous situations with a partner, I dont see the problem with it really.

You talk about sex's "true intent" - what is sex's true intent, and why do you think only you know it?


Didnt say I was the only one who knew its true intent.. however how many times do we see on here people posting saying that the true intent of sex is an expression of love between two people who love eachother? In addition its how you make babies too. So those are the true meanings of sex. Like I said, its not really a toy. I may have little experience regarding to sex in that i've only slept with two people but I dont treat it as a casual thing and I never will. I have no intention to come over as patronising in that sense, Snail, you're a good member of this forum but I am just answering your question.

Oh, and by the way, anyone who tells you you're going to hell ISN'T a friend.


Its her religious belief, therefore she thinks if you have sex before marriage you're going to hell. Its not a personal thing she has against me, it comes down to her religion and I understand that.

Also I think captain Flynn is being incredibly closed minded


Yeah, im also quite arrogant sometimes.. although speaking of being closed minded, rufio, do you ever use the advice I post in your topics? Ive often found that you tend to overlook what i've said and dont seem to put my advice to you into practice, so when it comes to being closed minded maybe we're alike.

my in my opinion staying a virgin until you're married is a bad idea


Thats where the appreciation part comes in to it. If I had a partner who was a virgin and they said they wanted to lose it to me i'd feel very honoured that they would see me worthy of such a thing. Now I make it clear I didnt say wait until you're married, i'm speaking in a general term of being in a decent and commited relationship.

I can understand that my views may of caused some form of upset between you however this is my view on the subject just as you have your own. You dont agree (nor like) my opinion and I dont necessarily agree with yours.
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby Skarlet » Sun Jun 21, 2009 3:48 pm

May I ask a couple of questions of you CaptainFlynn? if it is too personal then by all means don't answer.

If you met someone, a really special girl, who ticked all the right boxes when you got to know her and you fell for her, but then found out that she had slept with more then 1 person, had a relationship along the lines of a friends with benefits would you end it because she is 'loose moralled' and 'dirty'?

In Broken_Chords thread, you said that sex's true extent was to create children in a loving and commited relationship. I wondered if you think that sex should stop once a woman's fertility does?
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby captainf » Sun Jun 21, 2009 4:00 pm

Thanks for the questions..

If you met someone, a really special girl, who ticked all the right boxes when you got to know her and you fell for her, but then found out that she had slept with more then 1 person, had a relationship along the lines of a friends with benefits would you end it because she is 'loose moralled' and 'dirty'?


No I wouldnt. I would be grateful that they were honest about it. In addition I must add that I stated my own opinion on the matter, if a previous partner of mine had done such a thing I wouldnt condemn them for it.

In Broken_Chords thread, you said that sex's true extent was to create children in a loving and commited relationship. I wondered if you think that sex should stop once a woman's fertility does?


No you are misinterpreting my point. I believe that sex is an expression of love between two people in a committed relationship.. sex is also used to create a baby.. in other words if you wish to use sex in a fun way with a girlfriend or boyfriend then by all means go ahead.. but ultimately if you're in such a committed relationship you should also be prepared in one way or another to be responsible enough if a baby is created. So to top it all off, if you are in a committed relationship then by all means enjoy sex.. and if you want to have children then thats what sex is for also.
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