Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby captainf » Mon Jun 22, 2009 4:56 pm

It doesnt shock me at all, rufio. Infact, I dont expect you to.

I just find it immensly annoying that I should spend my spare time replying to numerous topics of yours in the last few months, to which you constantly ignore my advice, then come back and complain about the same things and then you have the cheek to call me closed minded.. maybe try using my advice and if it doesnt work for you then i'll have more respect for you.

I also understand I should of put this on a PM but you really are annoying me today, rufio.
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby peecee » Mon Jun 22, 2009 4:58 pm

Children, children!!! :)

My mum would have said "take it outside". [-X

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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby captainf » Mon Jun 22, 2009 5:05 pm

Yeah, sorry peecee. :P I did say in another topic that a certain discussion should be taken to private message but no ones taken up the offer.

I want to make it clear I have no intention of causing hurt or ill feeling.
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby jen » Mon Jun 22, 2009 6:52 pm

Ok really sorry to nit pick on this one but captain your words wern't that you "though it was immoral". If this was the case, i wouldn't have originally responded as that is simply your own opinion (and everyone afterall is entitled to their own opinion) What you actually said was "anyone who has a friend with benefits is not a decent person and can't possibly have any understanding of a relationship" - this is why i originally posted a response (although i'm starting to regret it as i hate it when people fall out and argue) I responded originally because i felt that by saying what you said, you were calling me indecent which i personally don't think i am.

Also i really don't think it was necessary for you to personally attack rufio there. Yes she may have had some advice that she didn't follow but that is her choice and i'm sure it has nothing to do with the original topic of this post.
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby rufio89 » Mon Jun 22, 2009 7:56 pm

Thank you Jen
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby captainf » Mon Jun 22, 2009 8:12 pm

Jen, yes I understand. I probably should of said that I thought the situation was immoral, but not necessarily the people, and I do addmit that I was wrong to say that those people do not understand the context of being in a relationship. So I happily hold my hands up there and I apologise. I was however reading other bits of information on that topic regarding to the guy commenting on other girls etc and it was starting to come accross that he may not potentially be the nice guy he appeared to be, however that whole situation from what I understand was resolved and therefore there is no problem.

As for my comments at rufio. I think that after maybe replying to 5 or 6 topics of hers and having had my advice ignored again and again and then seeing her complaining about the same things I thought that it was fair of me to just remind her that however small minded she may of judged me to be I have advised her on numerous occasions only to see my advice ignored and then see her complain about the same things again. My advice may not be popular, but just like medicine sometimes its good for you.

I do however understand that with the recent deaths in the family that rufio has had to go through ofcourse have led to her having a very difficult time and she has my deepest sympathy on the matter as I know all too well what its like to lose relatives.

Finally back to the topic at hand..
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Jun 23, 2009 8:32 am

RagDoll wrote:I don't agree. I think people are mostly saying "each to their own" - you're entitled to your views, as they are entitled to their opposing views. They're not judging you, they just don't agree with what you're saying.

The difference is, you're preaching what's right and wrong and saying people are wrong to live their lives in a different way to yourself. It's all about having respect for other peoples' opinions.


I agree with this to be honest.


I always get to know people before casting a judgement, as people can tell if she see the size/shape/personality/sex/colour/views etc of all my friends.
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Jun 23, 2009 8:35 am

rufio89 wrote:I think it's completely unnecessary to talk to me, or anyone, that way.

Shockingly enough I dont spend my time thinking of things to say that you'll agree with my opinion on.


My comment isn't aimed at Ruth or Captain_flynn...it's general but the beauty of this site is people agree, people disagree, it's good to hear it from other peoples points of views because someone will always come with something new that someone hasn't thought of before.

Although I do think Captain should be more willing to say "we agree to disagree" instead of pushing his point at being 100% right.
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Jun 23, 2009 8:39 am

captain_flynn wrote:It doesnt shock me at all, rufio. Infact, I dont expect you to.

I just find it immensly annoying that I should spend my spare time replying to numerous topics of yours in the last few months, to which you constantly ignore my advice, then come back and complain about the same things and then you have the cheek to call me closed minded.. maybe try using my advice and if it doesnt work for you then i'll have more respect for you.

I also understand I should of put this on a PM but you really are annoying me today, rufio.


Ruth hasn't also always followed everyones adivce on here; but she comes on here to ask her question and to see what people would do in her situation...she'll then I assume think about her opinion and everyone elses opinion and do what she thinks best...it is an advice site, not a tell me what to do site. It's the same as saying "I wouldn't touch the wet paint if I were you" and still touching it - you didn't follow my advice but I tried to help the best I could in that situation. Ultimately at the end of the day it's Ruth's own opinion, her feelings and her life which are hanging in the basket so she want's to try and do the best thing possible to keep a happy balance.
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby snail » Tue Jun 23, 2009 2:45 pm

All this stuff about judging or not judging each other is very confusing. But I think I can shed a bit of light. In fact most people haven't objected to the Captain's opinion, they've objected to the way he's holding and expressing it. In fact he could have expressed completely the opposite opinion, and would still have had the same responses.

For example, the Captain could have said:
"Casual sex is not for me, I don't want it and it wouldn't meet my needs". That is a helpful way to hold that opinion. It is helpful because it's accurate (it describes the Captain's own feelings, which are one of the few things a person can be certain about) and because it is confined to himself - he hasn't taken it outside himself, and used it to condemn other people. Therefore, if he holds that opinion in that way, he will be sure about what he wants, and is not likely to come into conflict with those around him. Therefore, that's a useful way to hold it.

But he expressed it on here as:
"Casual sex is immoral, those who do it are dirty and weak-willed". That's an unhelpful way to hold that opinion. It's inaccurate (the Captain can't ever really know how moral/immoral/dirty/weak/stupid etc anyone else is because he can't know their feelings). It also says nothing about his own feelings, so it won't help him to make choices based on his own wants and needs. And because he has taken it outside himself and is condemning others, it is also likely to bring him into conflict with the people around him. So it's not useful - it won't make him or the people around him happy.

He could have expressed the opposite view, but still in an unhelpful way, for example:
"Sex with multiple partners is natural, people only stay in monogamous relationships because they are too repressed or too weak-willed to rebel against social conventions". That's the opposite view, but it's just as unhelpful - once again, it is inaccurate (talking about other people's motivations), doesn't help him decide what he wants (says nothing about his own needs) and is likely to bring him in to conflict with the people around him. And it would have generated the same negative responses from other forum members.

So this isn't about opinions, just the way in which they are held and expressed.
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Jun 23, 2009 2:55 pm

dipsydoodlenoodle wrote:Although I do think Captain should be more willing to say "we agree to disagree" instead of pushing his point at being 100% right.


Snail said what I was trying to say earlier but much better.

My objection was to the way Captain seemed to be stressing his point was right and everyone else was wrong; rather than as snail said saying "it's not for me".
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby rufio89 » Tue Jun 23, 2009 3:21 pm

I agree.

I would, however, also like to point out for the record that Captain Flynn sent me a very nice PM, to ensure there was no ill feeling caused and to offer me his support, which was greatly appreciated. :)
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby captainf » Tue Jun 23, 2009 3:27 pm

Some interesting replies. I addmit I only skim read them but I understand that the way I said things may of not been to your liking and thats fine by me.

However, before you even thought of writing your replies I was actually up at 3am this morning sending a personal apology to both Jen and rufio.
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby rufio89 » Tue Jun 23, 2009 3:34 pm

However, before you even thought of writing your replies I was actually up at 3am this morning sending a personal apology to both Jen and rufio.


and, as I said, mine was greatly appreciated, as I'm sure Jens was also.
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Re: Friend with benefits - Right or wrong?

Postby captainf » Tue Jun 23, 2009 3:39 pm

Yes, she was also very appreciative.
I didnt see your post until I posted mine as we must of typed our replies out at the same time. :)
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