How long before engagement/marriage

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Re: How long before engagement/marriage

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Jul 14, 2009 3:30 pm

Well i was with my fella 12 years before we got engaged and 14 years when we got married
I got married to my daugthers dad very briefly when i got pregnant, felt pressured to do so (long story) and it was all over by the time she was 6 months old
I suppose because I had done it I wasn't really bothered but once he actually asked and it was all off his own back it felt really nice to be asked, so definately let it be his idea it really will mean so much more to know it's what they want not what they think they should do

i think it's really importnat to go through ups and downs before commiting too. It's all well and good when the relationship is relatively new and fresh it's easy to roll with the punches but 5 years in and stresses and strains can take a toll and this is when you really find out how good a relationship is. You have also had time to get bored of the person. Living together a year is still early days realtively speaking.
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Re: How long before engagement/marriage

Postby RagDoll » Tue Jul 14, 2009 4:00 pm

Yeh, most of me totally agrees with what you're saying Bel Bel and I will wait until he asks me because I don't want to pressure him or anything.

It's funny though - if I were to ask my Mum her opinion on the matter I know she'd be all for commitment. She's been married to my Dad since she was 18 (he was 21) and they were together 4 years before they married. She always maintains that she'd have married him sooner if it'd been possible though (obviously she had to wait until she was 18). Perhaps she's just a bit mad (haha) but my parents relationship is honestly the strongest and most successful relationship I've ever come across. It's clear how much they love each other, even after well over 30 years of marriage.

My Mum seems to think that too many people won't properly commit to a relationship these days and they simply won't work hard at making things work. I'm not saying she's 100% right, but I think she has a point.

PS: I know my parents might have just got lucky/be the exception to the rule and whatever else, but I still think they're an inspiration :)
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Re: How long before engagement/marriage

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Jul 14, 2009 4:05 pm

I totally know where you mum is coming from
It's so easy to walk away nowadays and people do it too easily without really trying to sort out there problems
Affairs seem to be very commonplace too and that shows a real lack of respect for your partner
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Re: How long before engagement/marriage

Postby rufio89 » Tue Jul 14, 2009 4:08 pm

I personally am a fan of people being together a LONG time before they're married. 5 years plus.

However, true story:

My Grandma was on holiday with her boyfriend when she was in her early 20s. My Grandpa was on holiday with a friend at the same time. My Grandma went to a bar without her boyfriend and was reading. My Grandpa walked in to the bar and saw her sat there, said "That's the woman I'm going to marry" and went and talked to her, and proposed the next day. She said no, and said he was being ridiculous, but they ended up getting engaged within 2 weeks.

They had their share of ups and downs but they were happily married for well over 50 years.

I think it's such a lovely story, because they are TOTALLY not the kind of people to do something like that. They're very well educated, very strong minded, very sensible, careful planners and very, very intelligent, and it's just such an incredibly out of character thing to do for both of them. I think it's lovely :)
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Re: How long before engagement/marriage

Postby RagDoll » Tue Jul 14, 2009 4:19 pm

That is a lovely story Ruth - my parents are dead sensible and intelligent too, all of them obviously just felt they'd met the right person :)

Bel Bel - it's funny you mention a lack of respect as my Mum always says that having respect for your partner is the most important thing in a relationship (sorry if I'm making it sound like my Mum's the fountain of all knowledge lol, *speaks in a child-like voice* "well, my Mum says...").

It's interesting what you said about affairs - why do you think that is? Just a symptom of people not being able to commit? Do you think there are more affairs these days or are more people just getting caught out? Do you think social networking sites and an advance in technology in general has a role to play? Sorry for the million questions, it just interests me.
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Re: How long before engagement/marriage

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Jul 14, 2009 4:37 pm

Yes it could be more getting caught but just as easily it's easier to conduct affairs, transport, mobile phones, less neighbourly watching out for each other etc
As for social sites I think they aid but you will only go looking if you want to do something or something is wrong in your realtionship and you're not dealing with it
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Re: How long before engagement/marriage

Postby RagDoll » Wed Jul 15, 2009 8:56 am

Yeh, I agree it's easier to conduct affairs now.

I do think social networking sites can cause problems in relationships - for example, my Mum's friend is happily married, set up a Facebook profile and someone she used to date (from back in the day, before she was married) started sending her messages. It was all perfectly innocent stuff, but her husband got all jealous and didn't like it. I guess it just opens up new avenues for people to be able to get in touch/new lines of communication, which isn't always a positive thing.
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Re: How long before engagement/marriage

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Jul 20, 2009 1:01 pm

OMG about 2 years ago everyone at work under 30 got engaged except 2 of us. This year they are all getting married.

My bf's sister got engaged last year, I think they'd been together 3 years, she's now 20 and him around 26 or 27.

Me and my bf have been together 3 and a bit years, I'm not fussed on it really, it would be nice but it wouldn't change anything. My aunty and uncle are trying to pressurise him into doing something about it; but I'd like him to want to do it himself rather than doing it because he feels he needs to. Also when we were on holiday he did mention "even if we did get engaged I couldn't afford a ring". He just up and came out with it. It's a lifetime committment, so I don't feel it should be rushed. Although lately he has been saying he "never wants to loose me, and he's realised how much I do mean to him" - hence the improved effort.
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Re: How long before engagement/marriage

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Jul 20, 2009 3:27 pm

he will find a way to afford a ring when he really wants to do it
I hope he isn't expecting you to buy your own, do not do that :o
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Re: How long before engagement/marriage

Postby spacegirl » Mon Jul 20, 2009 4:02 pm

I like that dipsy - shows if he is going to ask you to marry him it will be a serious commitment and he wants to do it properly instead of some rush job for the sake of it and especially not because he feels pressured to by family members. A friend of mine was proposed to by her (ex) boyfriend like this:

"will you get engaged to me?"

After seeing the look of horror on her face he proceeded to say

"don't worry, we don't have to get married, it'll keep my mum happy"

He spent thousands on the ring on store credit, then had to return the ring, and could only get a refund - in store credit...

So yea, my point is, i don't think there's any point in getting engaged/ married until both people are 100% ready - it has been discussed, and they plan to actually set a date for a wedding!
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